| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/3/2006 1:07:19 PM |
he should have thought about that before having unprotected sex with you. and you my dear... no matter your choice, i hope you've learned your lesson and i seriously hope you start using a birth control method of your own. how many children do you have to have as an unwed mother to understand you're making poor choices in life? i know that sounds harsh but you really ought to consider a lifestyle change so this does not become a regular thing for you and your children.
whosyourbadkitty: First of all not everyone that gets pregnant had unprotected sex. Not everyone that gets pregnant wasn't on birth control. And not everyone that gets pregnant needs a "lifestyle" change. She might not have been sleeping around. Having sex ONCE gets you pregnant for nine months. Condoms don't always work and neither does birth control. I'm not in her situation at all but I'm an "unwed" mother in your eyes, I'm sure. I'm divorced and had another child by someone after I divorced my husband. I'm also a single mom. She's going to be a single mom too. In HER case she should probably give the baby up for adoption. In my case I kept my kids and we are doing fine.. but still either way no place to JUDGE other people.
We should never look DOWN on someone unless we are there to help them UP! | |
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sl004
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Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 77 | |
| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/3/2006 2:53:24 PM | He is your advice donot get an abortion, you will regret it for the rest of your life. And GOD will not be to happy with that either. If your boy friend doesnot want to take the resposibility for his actions or his mistake which you both new Right for Wrong then let him go like you said and raise the child with out him. Also you can take him to court for child support later. If you can talk to your Mother or Father then that would help you out also in your decision making. Don't leave them out of this!
Good Luck to you both on the decision you make because you both will have to leave with it the rest of your life.
P.S. If he is not the right person for you then another will come into your life!
God Bless You! | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/4/2006 7:51:18 AM | | I dont know what to tell you to do. I got pregnant once and had an abortion. I often think about it, and now, 3 kids later, I regret that decision. I have to live with it for the rest of my life, and it is very hard. I just wanted to say that hopefully that wont happen to you, but for me it is very hard to live with, the regret. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/5/2006 4:51:51 AM | whosyourbadkitty - what are you talking about, the chick is already pregnant, right now she doesn't need birth control, read the topic again and apply it to my last response  | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/5/2006 6:28:14 AM | | lurvaboy... i was talking about what you stated in that last post... "My ex was never much more to me than something to poke." you should have used a condom and had more respect for this gal than to consider her nothing more than "something to poke." i guess what goes around comes around and you'll remember "that chick" forever. it gets better though lurvaboy... then you said "When I found out she was pregnant, she was for having the baby because she had already had an abortion from someone else and wanted to keep this one, or thats what she said. I was for it because I didn't believe in abortion." that sounded nobel of you until you said... "i no longer believe abortion is wrong, just get it done soon." all the while you knew right from wrong because you said... "When your in love, have a ring around your finger, then have some kids." but you didn't do that did you and next time you'll probably push the gal to have an abortion when what you should be doing is using CONDOMS. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/5/2006 6:30:41 AM | OP- do what is right for YOU. If you are not comfortable with an abortion, do not have one to appease this man. This is a two-way street, you are both liable here. If he chooses to walk away and not be involved, that is HIS choice. But you have a choice to raise this child alone.
Whatever you decide, do it with a healthy dose of reality and eyes wide open. It will all work out no matter what you decide. Let him make his choices and you make yours. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/5/2006 7:35:34 AM | LOL @ whosyourbadkitty, guess you really put me in my place!
i could tell you that i was young and dumb
i could tell you i've never asked a women to have an abortion and since my second, infact the week after she was born i had a vesectamy, purely cause i hate condoms.
i could tell you this chick purposely got pregnant to hold onto me after i gave up drugs and she thought she'd lose me
i could state that my thoughts have changed with the increase of personal knowledge
i could tell you these things badkitty, but i don't need to justify myself to you, who the hell do you think you are judging me like that? | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/5/2006 8:13:00 PM | lurvaboy... you just did justify yourself to me... why, well, my only guess would be your guilty conscience. that's a good thing though, having a conscience that is. it's one thing to make mistakes, never own them and continue to make the same mistakes... it's another to be a man and admit them and to do that publicly. . far be it from me to "judge" you lurvaboy... i've made plenty of my own mistakes in life. some just learn quicker than others. ;) i'll tell you one thing... if you've really had a vasectomy... you've done the right thing and i commend you for being a man and taking that sort of responsibility. if only you've learned something from your mistakes, you've truly grown. it's far better to share your experience with others in an effort to keep them from making the same mistakes than to guard those "secrets" as if no one ever makes bad choices. people can learn from what you've done in your life, believe it or not. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/5/2006 9:26:11 PM |
it's far better to share your experience with others in an effort to keep them from making the same mistakes than to guard those "secrets" as if no one ever makes bad choices
well yeh thats what i thought, before i got bashed by you! why the hell would anyone say anything bad about themselves on this forum if they think they'll get bashed by people like you?
p.s. go to hell! | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/6/2006 11:27:23 AM | | joker of wilds, I would tell any woman to explore all her options, think through her situation, and then the hell with what anybody says, it's YOUR decision! | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/7/2006 9:55:50 AM | see, women are twisted these days WITH the thought that it is ONLY their decision. IT IS NOT!!! it takes two to make the baby, not one, but now adays the court doesnt see that and maybe thats why some women think the way they do...it really should be BOTH parents responsibility and decision. obvioulsy he cant MAKE you have an abortion...but if it goes that way, your keeping it, and he doesnt want a part of it, then so be it, but by golly, dont try to get money out of him, YOU made that decision not him. yes it takes two to make it, but it also takes two to keep it, so if your up for keeping it,and hes not, then thats YOUR decsion. leave it at that, and forget he exists. if he is a man, he will come around and want something to do w/ the lil rugrat...
regardless of your personal feelings toward each other, need to do what is best for the baby, i read one person said that "how good is it for the baby when moms here and dads there..." seperated. HELLO!! IT TAKES TWO! thats the way God made it.
now im not saying abortion or adoption is the answer, but maybe girls and guys shouldnt be so quick to jump in the sack w/ whomever they are attracted to. WAIT! a little bit, get to know someone, mentally before physically. THERE, problem solved | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/7/2006 4:40:28 PM | | What you have gotta ask yourself is "can i manage on my own" and i dont just mean when youve got a screaming little bundle who takes all of your time but also financially as children cost more as they grow older. Im a single mum of a 13 year old and its hard as i get no financial help from her father. Please please really think about what you want to do hunny and good luck with your decision | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/7/2006 7:05:09 PM | hndsum... and what men need to realize is that it's the WOMAN'S body, therefore, it is HER choice. but by your standards it only takes two to make the baby and if i'm reading your post correctly... when it comes to child support... she's on her own if SHE decides to keep the baby. i don't know which turnip truck you fell off of but you've got things bassackwards.
if she aborts, they both pay financially and she pays physically and mentally for the rest of her life.
if she keeps the baby, they both pay financially and she pays physically and mentally for the rest of her life.
if she carries to term and gives the baby up for adoption, they both pay financially and she pays mentally and physically for the rest of her life.
if you need to understand what his financial obligations are under any of those circumstances, you shouldn't be giving advice in public forums. and if you don't understand by now WHY it is the WOMAN'S decision and not the decision of both partners... i don't know what to tell you. it always baffles me that men think they can shoot their sperm off in any random chick and think they now are "responsible" enough to make a life or death decision for an unborn child they don't carry for nine months, they don't give birth to, they don't breast feed, they do everything they can to avoid child support (not in all cases of course) and some poor gal is left wondering what to do next... left holding the baby THEY created. PUHLEASE! | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/7/2006 8:38:07 PM | To the guy who got the girl pregnant, sorry dude, you are pretty much screwed here. If the girl wants to have the baby, then she is going to have it, if its yours ( no offense, no one is for sure its yours at this point ) then you are going to have to pay for the child or go to jail. At least two decades of support of some kind and virtually no chance for you to ever go on things like vacation or have an early retirement. Theres no real way around it man, you slept with the wrong girl ( at least for you ) at the wrong time. Mentally preparing for it now is all you can do.
What I think some of the single mothers in here might not be accounting for, at least the older ones, is that things have changed both socially and economically since they probably had their kids. Things have changed drastically in the last 5-10 years. Consider that 10 years ago, there were few cellphones out there and very few people had Internet, now look at the world. I think the cost structure to raise a child has changed as well. This girl doesn't sound like a DuPont here, she is likely to go into the social welfare system, live in near poverty in most cases and her child statistically has a greater chance of having emotional issues and be incarcerated. And that child will grow up with no father or a father who clearly does not want him/her.
I wouldn't tell this girl to have or not have this kid at this point. Its not a great idea to make long term decisions based on pure emotion. I think its a good idea to sit down, relax, take a moment of pause and talk to a range of people, not just other single mothers. And I think some of the single mothers here ought to be honest about the financial realities of being a young single mother. Most of them were not eating steak dinners on fine china every night. I also think the father should have some input into your decision, the decision is yours, but if you box him out now, you will box him out forever of your childs life. That might be fair to you but might not be fair to the child.
If you have the time to make a decision, then take a few weeks and really think about it. There are no wrong choices, just choices that are wrong for you.
If theres an object lesson for the men here, its to consider every sexual encounter as someone you might have a child with ( if thats not a sobering thought, I'm not sure what is. If men really thought that way all the time, most women would never see sex again. ) | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/7/2006 9:55:41 PM | If men really thought that way all the time, most women would never see sex again. )
Neither would the men at least as far as women go but then I suppose they could just stick with each other.
Everything else you wrote you certainly make alot of assumptions about people(single mothers)..I am sure that you have heard that old adage before..you know...one of the things that makes you, you?
Of course that is probably based in some part on emotion. I am sure you don't always come off as an a**to women. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/7/2006 10:26:47 PM | laurelmoonstar wrote ...
I dont know what to tell you to do. I got pregnant once and had an abortion. I often think about it, and now, 3 kids later, I regret that decision. I have to live with it for the rest of my life, and it is very hard. I just wanted to say that hopefully that wont happen to you, but for me it is very hard to live with, the regret.
@joker of wilds ...
I have four children ... miscarried 2 additional, and recently lost the baby of the bunch at the age of 22 ... last October. I understand the loss of a child no matter what the stage or age.
I worked in a clinic in Hawaii that confronted this issue everytime our OB/GYN was in the clinic ... two days per week. I can't begin to tell you how many "morning after" pills we dispensed. As a nurse, it's not my call to pass judgment or advise my patients one way or the other. My only obligation is to see to that they know about the side effects they may have when they consume the pill and how to use the pill correctly.
This is a rough call ... for sure, if it were me ... if there was any question about regrets, I would not have an abortion. As Laurelmoonstar posted ... it was very hard to live with the regret. As is the case with our lives ... what's done is done and once it's done, there is no taking it back.
Please give this a lot of thought and try not to allow yourself to be influenced by people who will not be around to help you raise your child (should you decide to have the baby) and certainly do not allow the father to force you to do something that in your heart you know you may not be able to live with for the rest of your life ... the rest of your life!
I will never forget the births of my children ... still remember them very vividly and always smile. I have also never forgotten the sadness of the loss of the other two that miscarried ... fortunately, that is not so vivid as the births were.
I will never get over the pain of losing my son ... it will stay with me until the day I die. Please forgive me ... it is a pain that is undescribable and only those who have ever suffered it can know what I mean.
Choose wisely and be prepared to live with that choice. Good luck and don't be afraid to ask for help from family and good friends ... those who love you and support you will not let you down. If necessary ... I hope the welfare system will be there for you ... let's hope you do not have to use it though.
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/7/2006 10:35:31 PM | The girl is a 21 year old single student.
Seriously, what kind of job skills do most 21 year old students have? This isn't meant to piss on the original poster just make a point that there are some serious financial questions she will have to face very soon that will impact the rest of her and her childs life.
Sure if you have some help, maybe some family, maybe some good friends. But if this girl is on her own, she is going to be churned through the social welfare system. Some of you women have probably been there, some men too.
Statistically speaking, what future does this child have? Everyone wants to talk about the mothers rights, what about the quality of life for this child? To potentially grow up in poverty without a father?
And yes, I'm sure there are men wiping their brows and breathing sighs of relief right now over past girls they slept with in their youth and are glad they did not have a child with them. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/7/2006 11:23:02 PM | OP- In the end, do what you feel is right. The men have no idea what it's like to have a little person growing inside your belly. Especially the ones that have no children giving you advice. However, whatever decision you make will be okay.
Does it really matter if you'll be eating steak dinners on fine china as one poster mentioned? Money isn't everything that's for sure. Talk to people close to you and you make the decision that's right for you. Yes, this is a very emotional decision and one you'll have to work out. God bless you, Sweetie. Kat | |
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chey81
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Joined: 4/19/2006
Msg: 95 | |
| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/8/2006 5:06:12 AM | If you are serious about having the baby--- then I think you should have the baby. He will hopefully come around in time once he sees what a beautiful child you both created--Having a child will definately make him grow up if he hasn't already!
Abortion is killing a life that you both created, and to me it is wrong.
I raised my daughter by myself and worked 2 jobs most of her life while raising her. Her dad never paid me a dime, but hopefully men have changed since then.There are programs out there to help unwed mothers. Good Luck! | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/8/2006 5:33:47 PM | | The fact is.... it is your body and you make the decisions so why should he decide that you should have an abortion. Your family and friends will be there for you no matter what decision you make, but don't let him make it for you. Chin Up... good luck in your best decision. | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/9/2006 7:13:53 AM | | Okay the original thread on this one was from 5/7/06.....its been alittle over two months....I think a decision on the posters part should have been made by now....so we can probably quit posting on this one....whatta say?????? | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/9/2006 8:42:06 AM | | it would be nice if the OP came back with an update. if we stop posting, this thread will fall through the cracks of the OP's thread list and inquiring minds want to know the decision she made... | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/9/2006 6:13:58 PM | I know it sounds cliche, but you have to follow your heart!!! When a pregnancy is unplanned the first while is very rough, but things really fall into place later on (issues resolve themselves!!). I know that you are facing a lot of uncertainties right now, but you just have to trust that YOU know what the best decision is for yourself, and what you can and can't handle. You can't let ANYONE bully you into ANY decision when it comes to such an important decision. If having an abortion is something that you feel you can't do, then simply don't do it. Although it's important to consider the father of the babies feelings, you do not owe him anything, and really he is not respecting your feelings on wanting to have the baby if he is pressuring you. The guilt of having an abortion is much greater, and more life altering for you than his "inconvience" for having a baby will be in my opinion. Also in my opinion everyone is a little bit "irresponsible" before they have a child, but pregnancy and caring for a child really makes most people wise up (of course there are some exceptions), so I really don't think that's a valid reason to not have a child personally. Bottom line.....do a lot of soul searching, and don't let anyone persuade you either way!!!!
((((Hugs!!)))) | |
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| I need some advice...
Posted: 7/9/2006 6:44:44 PM | Gecko....you need a reality check buddy!!!! You have zero respect for women and are obviously just looking at them like a dispensable play thing, and the fact of the matter is anyone who uses women this way without regard for their humanity DESERVES fully what they get.
A father by law HAS to pay child support, and if a man tries to get out of paying for that "poverty ridden child" who is a COMPLETE seperate being from the mother he needs to give his head a shake. It is not the mother's fault that a father would try to punish the woman by forcing her into poverty, either out of spite, lack of caring, or selfishness. In reality HE is the one who is punishing the child, NOT the mother. Why does the woman have to be the one blamed for the patheticness of a dead beat father???? The mother did not put the child into poverty because she is not getting financial assistants from the father, it is the father who is contributing to the poverty.
The fact that the OP is 21 and a student actually is more indicative that the child will have a good future because she has attended post secondary education....why don't you check the statistics on that one?? Sure she may suffer a bit financially for a short while, but I would bet she will turn the situation around. Having a child gives you MAJOR motivation!!!
I'm sure that there are also many women out there wiping their brows that they did not get pregnant by past boys that they have slept with in their youth as well. | |
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