Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 76
view profile
History
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?Page 4 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Dating is just that shopping without commitment.
I myself find it hard to do so...nice to get to know one at a time.
 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 77
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/20/2010 3:48:40 PM

Short answer, no.


Long answer: It shows the person you're dating that you aren't investing 100% of your efforts and thoughts on them. It's telling them they're just a placeholder until something better comes along.

Your friend should date one person at a time. It's usually pretty apparent by the second or third date whether any compatibility exists. If it doesn't then by all means move on to the next one. The question to always ask yourself is, would you want it done to you?


Great answer...

Someone recently told me they think they let the perfect one for them slip away, because they didn't take the time to get to know that person. As soon as she found out she was one of a crowd she was gone... I know I react in the same way... My feelings are if you are interested in me, then take the time to get to know me without distractions.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 78
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/20/2010 5:32:43 PM
If by dating, you mean meeting people and spending time with them in a non-intimate (non-sexual) way, then it's acceptable if the person is comfortable with doing that.

Honestly, I think the concept should only come up if someone asks, then answered... then that person can decide if they're cool with it.

But I should note that boy-and-girl going out from a matchmaking site (even if it's not a 'Date' per se), is sexual. Otherwise, hetero dudes would be meeting dudes on POF to hang out at BW3. But obviously if it's not -intimate- there's less room for someone to object to being in cahoots with more than one person at a time.

Cons: Might be time-challenging to arrange meetings with different people and might feel guilty, like you're a "player", but if you're honest with the person upfront you aren't.

Well said. BUT even if you are upfront, you only lessen the chances or extent of the word "player" used on ya. Essentially "player" will be used when the guy isn't interested, and the girl (led on or not led on) had her hopes up. Another thread which I found interesting was about a guy saying a buddy of his would hang out and all the girls KNEW he slept around and was kind of a loser, but he was charming (and I assume attractive), and the girls would -still- hook up with him, thinking they could change him. He's called a player even though everyone is aware and no trickery involved.

It shows the person you're dating that you aren't investing 100% of your efforts and thoughts on them.

The topic depends on what one calls "Dating". Some use it very loosely to mean you've gone out on A date with someone with a mere possibility of seeing them again at some point in the future. I disagree with that, BUT if one is going to use the term loosely to mean to go out on a date with more than one person...

... then you're really just periodically spending time together, but call it what you will. My question is this: During this time you're supposed to put 100% of your efforts and thought into them every day, through say, 3 weeks despite having seen then 4 times out of those 21 days? That's sort of stalkerish, don't you think? :) Tons of calls, emails, texts, etc... or maybe pleading to go out every night.

Point being, during the getting-to-know-ya phase, you're not spending much time with them. It's not standard or expected that a first date lasts 6 hours and the second date is the next day for 6 hours, and the third date is the next day for 6 hours, etc. IF that were the case, YES, I am on board with ya.

But in that initial phase, no, you're not sacrificing efforts & thoughts by exploring other options, unless you have extremely little time on your hands to barely occasionally see even one girl or even periodically hang out with friends. Basically, people get jealous, let's be honest, that's the real thing.

If a guy said to you "Oh, I have plenty of time. I'm on a pseudo-vacation for a month where my work is limited, I have no kids, and lots of free time. So I can have a first date with you, and have plenty of time to have a second date with Barbara, and set up a second date with you if we do well together. Don't worry -- no shortage of time on my part!" -- would you be relieved? ;) It's jealousy.

I don't think any of us LIKE it, and on the inside most of us dislike it... but some people come to accept that's the way it is. Just like emailing more than one person at a time.
 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 79
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/20/2010 6:27:54 PM
... then you're really just periodically spending time together, but call it what you will. My question is this: During this time you're supposed to put 100% of your efforts and thought into them every day, through say, 3 weeks despite having seen then 4 times out of those 21 days? That's sort of stalkerish, don't you think? :) Tons of calls, emails, texts, etc... or maybe pleading to go out every night.


I am going to try and answer YOUR Question... although, I skimmed back and could not see where your scenarios came from.

100% efforts and thoughts into them everyday

I for one couldn't put 100% effort and thoughts into anyone, as my day is really busy from 5:30 on most days until I hit the pillow... But, If I found someone I was interested in, I would like to think if I had a free moment I may think about them and maybe send a text occasionally. Not sure how that would become stalkerish though. I am not a person who would call someone much either. Now an email might be possible now and then....

C-Realist: MY question is:

Where did you get your ideas from that they would be stalkerish and where did the Jealousy part come into it? Examples would be good. It is not a good idea to project what you think onto someone elses way of dating, unless you know for a fact what you say is true.

Personally, I know when someone is interested in me and when they are not. I don't waste time with people who are not serious about dating or like to play games... that doesn't mean I expect them to think of me 100% of the day, call me constantly, or text and email me... What it does mean is I would like them to have the same ideas about dating as I do that one person at a time is acceptable. If it doesn't work after a few dates fair enough move right along to the next person. No big deal... and you know you have given it your best shot.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 80
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/21/2010 12:36:07 PM
I am going to try and answer YOUR Question... although, I skimmed back and could not see where your scenarios came from.

They're hypotheticals. I'm challenging the notion that when you're in a getting-to-know-ya phase with someone, you're sacrificing your thoughts & effort with them if you go thru that with anyone else at the same time... not just for you but for EVERYONE, as you say. :)

I would like to think if I had a free moment I may think about them and maybe send a text occasionally. Not sure how that would become stalkerish though.

That isn't. But that's not 100% efforts & thought into them every day. You couldn't text more than one person, or email more than one person? You'd cut off email to a family member when you feel it'd be appropriate to email a guy you just met? My point is that no, it's not a lack of available time -- to be blunt, if all it is is an occasional text, I'm just calling BS on that in terms of "lack of available effort", that's all.

Analogy: Some people (usually gals) say they don't want to meet a guy from online within a couple weeks because of safety reasons (even if it's a Sunday afternoon in a crowded cafe)... when really, it's just shyness for most who say that.

Where did you get your ideas from that they would be stalkerish and where did the Jealousy part come into it? Examples would be good

You said 100% of efforts & thoughts into someone (every day). That is stalkerish. That would be obsessing about them and texting them non-stop. Again, 100% of efforts. For busy people it'd be less, for not too busy people it'd be more.... but 100% of just about anyone's time? No... as you say here:

that doesn't mean I expect them to think of me 100% of the day, call me constantly, or text and email me...

Okay, see? You're actually NOT asking for 100% of one's thoughts & efforts of someone you just met, right? So why is your absolute rule that someone would be sacrificing thoughts & efforts toward you, if they were merely occasionally giving a call or a text to someone else? Point being: It's not about lack of effort.

I asked this question to ya, but you didn't directly respond. What if a guy had TONS of time on his hands, so there'd be no wiggle room to say he was sacrificing time to once-in-a-while call or text you during that initial phase if he was doing the same to others?

It's not about sucking time & thoughts away from one person, if someone has enough time to do so -- it's in that "pre-dating" process of getting to know ya. There's no day-to-day time spent together (yet?). If it was merely about time & thoughts, then someone emailing and calling their friends and having many of them you wouldn't like and would think was rude or playing games. But it's not... why is that?

Because it's jealousy. You think a guy isn't into you "enough" or taking you seriously if he's also getting to know and has a date lined up with another gal. That's not necessarily true at all. Demanding that someone cut off all ties from the opposite sex if they are going to go out on a date with you, and at all times until it's been established that you two will not go out on another date, is pretty selfish... or better put: jealous. That demand defines jealousy.

Jealousy isn't necessarily a bad thing, of course. One should be jealous of their spouse, or bf/gf. They want them and nobody else. And just as in those cases, it's not about "time" and "effort" -- it's about having 100% DIBS on them. :)
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 81
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/21/2010 12:43:33 PM
When I tried dating more than one person at a time, I was called selfish and wanting to have my cake and eat it too.

Simple answer: No
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 82
view profile
History
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/21/2010 1:04:45 PM
I am of the "no" side here.

If you are dating, you should, in my opinion, focus your attention to the one you are dating.
 wanderer1999
Joined: 2/10/2007
Msg: 83
view profile
History
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/22/2010 10:55:43 AM
I think it depends on the person and situation.

When I'm initially dating, I usually let the woman know that I'm going on dates with different women, and when I'm ready to become exclusive, I'll let her know.

When I met my current GF, I was talking/dating several women simultaneously. After multiple dates, it became a gradual process of elimination. All the women involved were good women. The others just weren't right for me.

When I knew that she was the one that I wanted to be with, I told her that I was interested in dating her exclusively and asked if she was interested in the same thing.

We've been together for over 2 years now, and have been quite happy.

For me, I felt being honest was important. It's easy to meet someone and have some interest. However, it takes time to determine whether it is physical, pure infatuation or something more meaningful.

I explained that to every woman I was dating, and none of them had any issue with it. In fact, all of them were impressed and thanked me for being honest about the situation. Apparently, there is no shortage of men that go out of their way to tell a woman that they are the only one for them, even though they have multiple women on speed dial.

Will that work for every guy? No idea. For me, there's no other way I would date. I don't believe in leading a woman on, and I don't believe in being dishonest either.

Has that probably cost me a few opportunities with some very nice women? Probably. However, a woman who would have issue with that would most likely not have been the right woman for me.

Wanderer
 mz taken
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 84
view profile
History
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/22/2010 11:27:02 AM
^^^wanderer, I've had my honesty swing back and smack me in the face. I too have dated "potential" interests simultaneously, ones that have not progressed to intimacy beyond a simple kiss good night, if that.
one man that i told that on occasion I dine or view movies with a male friend just as I would with a female friend couldn't live with that possibility. he told me that he won't date a woman that "sees" other men. I really liked him and was hurt by this archaic judgment of my "morals". I told him this after our second meet, figuring to be upfront and not mislead, especially as having opposite-sex friends can be misconstrued as being more than friends, I thought explaining the non-intimacy of our friendship would ease any misconceptions. I was wrong.

too many attach much to the idea of "dating", imo there are stages of dating that call for certain mutual allowances and later to mutual boundaries.

sometimes dating is like throwing out a spike strip before you even turn on the ignition.
 Codeguru
Joined: 9/29/2009
Msg: 85
view profile
History
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/22/2010 9:30:24 PM
Hard to have an opinion on this since I haven't quite gotten to the process of dating one person at a time yet. Must be nice to have moral quandries such as this though...

Codeguru
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 86
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/23/2010 12:37:05 AM
especially as having opposite-sex friends can be misconstrued as being more than friends, I thought explaining the non-intimacy of our friendship would ease any misconceptions. I was wrong.

Yep. You are more than friends if you're meeting someone from an online matchmaking site like POF... even if going the "friends first" route. If you were truly platonic, then you'd be comfortable with him flirting with a waitress or bartender in front of ya - lol.

BUT, just because you're more than friends, doesn't mean there should be a commitment. And just because you're more than friends doesn't mean you're Dating, either! DatING means there's an established redundancy of going out, with a present understanding that you are to go out again, too (hence the "ing").

Going out on A date doesn't mean you're dating them, even with the possibility of another time up in the air or even confirmed. But you are more than friends for the time being at least.

I agree that one shouldn't be DatING more than one gal at one time. DatING implies (by default), commitment. Why? Think about it... (example):

Bob: "Hey, you do know that cutie over there who just left? She waved as she was leaving..."
Tom: "Oh yeah, she and I are dating..."
Bob: "What? Are you serious? I'm not a close friend, but I figured I would have heard... wow, how long? Why didn't she come by and chit-chat? She and her friends were here for a good while..."
Tom: "Oh... well, I had a blind date with her yesterday. Don't know if she's that interested in me or not yet. I left her a voicemail a few hours ago, though..."
Bob: "Okay, you're not dating her. You went out on A date."
Tom: "Yeah, we did. So we're dating, right?"
Bob: "No, you're a moron. Nothing's established yet. You're supposed to say you're datING a girl after something's been established and you're continually seeing her. It implies you already 'got' the girl. You haven't."
Tom: "Well... what am I supposed to call it? Friends? We're not JUST friends..."
Bob: "Does everything require a common one-word label, even if it potentially misrepresents? Call a king of spades and a queen of hearts, a king of spades and a queen of hearts, even if it takes you longer to say than two-pair. She's a gal you had a blind date with and are waiting to her back from. That's all you need to say to define it. Those two cards are not a two-pair, and neither are you and she right now."
 Adam-30
Joined: 12/23/2009
Msg: 87
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/23/2010 7:27:01 AM
Just wondered, is multiple dating normal for Americans (that side of the world)? as here I don't know anybody who would want anything further to do with another person who sees other people at the same time whilst seeing them, even many women automatically brands the guy as a two timing rat (player to you yanks) and the guy brands the woman as a slag who wants her cake and eat it too.

I personally want to get to know a person properly and I don't have the grass is greener on the other side attitude.
 SilentInk
Joined: 3/20/2010
Msg: 88
view profile
History
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/23/2010 7:34:05 AM
I couldn't do it. Don't know if it's acceptable or not in this society, and I am sure it is considering I see everyone around me doing, but I just couldn't. I don't think A) It's fair to the person I am dating, considering I can't give him my full attention because I am busy with someone else and B) I can't multitask with anything else, so I am pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to multitask with men. I mean it must get pretty confusing. Like "Hey, do you remember when we talked about that?"... "Um...we never talked about that"..."Oh must have been with my other guy." FAIL.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 89
view profile
History
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/24/2010 2:41:49 AM
Yes, it's acceptable.
I don't have a problem going on first meets and going on a date with different individuals during the same span of time. I'm upfront on what my idea of 'dating' is on the initial phone call, before meeting. No one's had a problem with it ever.

I can meet someone on Saturday afternoon for a walk (first meet) and have a first date with someone else later that weekend.

When I met my last bf (from here) I was also in the midst of casually corresponding with two other men. Our first date together was following a week where I'd met one man for dinner and the other for coffee. Our first date together was a short mid-week thing, and a few days later I had a date with the man I went for coffee with the week before.

I knew by the start of the third week who I wanted to see more of and advised the other. The third man was no longer in the picture, as I told me that I didn't see us as a match.

Imo, it's usually clear when you want to explore a relationship with one person. It's also clear when someone is not a match. I tend to know after a first meet where things will go. If I'm unsure, I'll agree to a date the following week. I won't go beyond 2 meetings/dates with someone if I don't see the possibility of a match, ever. And sometimes, you can get lucky and know from the first phone call; the meet/date only confirming what you already understood.

This kind of thing may not be for some, but I prefer it It's a great way to not get overly invested or too caught up too quickly in one person.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 90
view profile
History
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/24/2010 7:37:00 AM

When I met my last bf (from here) I was also in the midst of casually corresponding with two other men. Our first date together was following a week where I'd met one man for dinner and the other for coffee. Our first date together was a short mid-week thing, and a few days later I had a date with the man I went for coffee with the week before.

I knew by the start of the third week who I wanted to see more of and advised the other. The third man was no longer in the picture, as I told me that I didn't see us as a match.


There is a HUGE difference between DATING someone, and going out on a date with someone.

Here's how I think..remember, just my opinion, and it's really not complicated...

DATING someone is that you have decided, individually initially, that you want to see more of this person and you have decided to concentrate on one person.

GOING OUT ON A DATE is you are looking to find someone to DATE.
 Fresh fish is best fresh.
Joined: 7/29/2010
Msg: 91
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/24/2010 9:50:27 AM
I would probably get their names mixed up, so for me I would not be able to do that.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 92
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/24/2010 4:36:19 PM
There is a HUGE difference between DATING someone, and going out on a date with someone.

Yep! Or even a date or two or possibly even three or four, depending on how things have unfolded... not so much about the # directly, but an understood redundancy. If I can safely say I'm "dating" a girl, there's the mutual presumption we are going to see again very soon -- without any "plans" set, and we have already seen each other numerous times and it's been understood before without any plans set. No "gee, does she like me?" thoughts always racing thru one's head. It's already been established.

GOING OUT ON A DATE is you are looking to find someone to DATE.

Very true! A word that can be used in different ways...

... but I think some people like to use the word to mean the exact same thing in different contexts because of the fact that yeah, we're all going to be at least a bit jealous underneath it all if someone we really dig is going out on a date with someone else. Or even happily emailing someone else!

I think it'd be hard, in the POF world, not to go out on A date or two with more than one person in the same general span of time, if they're active in the "dating scene". Because you'd pretty much have to almost NOT be exchanging emails with more than one person at one time. It'd be pretty much the same violation. Why?

What are you supposed to do when emailing back-n-forth with, say, 3 different people starting roughly around the same time? Suddenly STOP emailing because you set up a first meeting with someone? Or drop the other 2 emails saying "I'm sorry, we can't meet, even though I said that idea sounds great sometime. I know we have fruitful conversation and we're both attracted, etc., but don't look at your calendar for a solid date, because it ain't happening. A guy just asked me 2 mins ago and, technically, I WAS free. I can't go out on a date with more than one person! Good luck!"
 mosaic storm
Joined: 12/29/2009
Msg: 93
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/26/2010 2:27:16 PM
I am in agreement with most of the posters, that there is dating as in casual stuff like going out to movies and then there is dating that includes intimacy and stuff like spending the weekend together.
I've been very confused by a man I met on another dating site. He says he's "dating" a woman and it sounds quite intense and intimate - they do often spend the weekend together. Yet he's now on POF and his profile says he's looking for longterm. I asked him whether she's aware of this and he says no but he doesn't feel guilty because it's sort of "implied" that they are not longterm. He thinks she's about ready to dump him, so he's busy trying to line up the next GF. He says that if he gets involved with anyone with longterm potential, he will tell her about it. They haven't even talked about whether they are exclusive or not.
So I told him I certainly won't be meeting him for coffee until his relationship is over, with no chance of reconciliation. He calls it dating but it sure sounds like a relationship to me. Like a FWB relationship but an undeclared one - lots of assuming but no straight talk.
I'm very open with anyone I'm dating if there are any other men in the picture. Before being sexual, I have the talk about STD's and monogamy.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 94
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/26/2010 4:25:28 PM

Because you'd pretty much have to almost NOT be exchanging emails with more than one person at one time. It'd be pretty much the same violation. Why?

Yeah. Why? I was ususally exchanging messages and setting up meetings with 4 or more women at any given time. I didn't expect most of those meetings to go anywhere, so I didn't see any problem continuing along until such time as one of those meetings went further.

What are you supposed to do when emailing back-n-forth with, say, 3 different people starting roughly around the same time? Suddenly STOP emailing because you set up a first meeting with someone?

I expected a woman to stop once she met me if she decided to date me.

Or drop the other 2 emails saying "I'm sorry, we can't meet, even though I said that idea sounds great sometime.

That actually happened with one woman I went out with. She told me she had meetings set up with two other guys, so I told her to meet me last. Instead, she cancelled her other two meetings to meet me sooner. The date went pretty well, but she had some issues with me being an athiest. All I can say is that she should have thought about that BEFORE deciding to meet me. My expecttions were what they were. If a woman wanted to date several guys at once, she could either do that and expect me to never be more than an fwb or she could not include me as one of those guys. My life. My rules.
 *MrP*
Joined: 8/21/2010
Msg: 95
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/26/2010 4:55:52 PM
I think it's OK to go on a first and/or second date with more than one person at a time. After all, this is the getting to know each other stage where you should be figuring out whether he/or she is a keeper or should be thrown back into the pond.

I view a 3rd date as the "make or break date", meaning that one should decide by the end of the 3rd date whether to date that person exclusively or to look elsewhere. Dating more than one person after a 3rd date is completely unacceptable in my view.

MrP
 Justdonald
Joined: 2/15/2010
Msg: 96
view profile
History
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/26/2010 5:57:22 PM
Never deliberately not date other people until you have some type of agreement/commitment. I mean dating in the Happy Days method, not the typical suburban high school or East Coast Unversity style.
 Apollodorus
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 97
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/27/2010 6:28:04 AM
No it is not acceptable to date more then 1 person at a time. it shows me that your not really serious about invest time into a relationship. a relationship takes time and concentration and you can't possible concentrate on having a relationship with someone if you are dating multiple people.

If you are on a date with me that means you like me enough to only see me otherwise you should not be on a date with me.

my philosophy is " Don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option and if you can't make them a priority then they don't have the right to be in your life".
 Apollodorus
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 98
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/27/2010 6:39:44 AM

My life. My rules.


definitely I totally agree with and if they don't like it, too bad for them
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 99
view profile
History
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/27/2010 8:01:47 AM

I view a 3rd date as the "make or break date", meaning that one should decide by the end of the 3rd date whether to date that person exclusively or to look elsewhere. Dating more than one person after a 3rd date is completely unacceptable in my view.


Is that because you follow the "third date rule" regarding sex?

I have dated a few women at a time until I've decided who's the best match and who also appears to feel the same way about me. Then we'll discuss exclusivity. That could be 2 dates, or 10, but usually we'll both know after a few dates.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 100
view profile
History
is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?
Posted: 8/27/2010 8:22:21 AM
no ring or not have had the "exclusive" talk = see and do whomever you please. there are no rules until boundaries have been established.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > is it acceptable to date more than one person at one time?