| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/17/2006 8:49:08 PM | I was with an ex who had drink and drug problems. I didn't really know the extent of it until we got together. If i'm being honest it really dragged me down trying to help him. We split up a few times and he'd get himself into states. Was always threatening to kill him self, so i would take him back and try help time and time again. But then he started using violence towards me and i couldn't cope with it.
He then did try to kill himself (not just because we weren't together, he had other issues in his life too) it just seemed i was used as the excuse for all of his unhappiness.
And he would never admit that he had any problems. I felt very very guilty and believed i had made someone want to take their life, it took me a long time to get over that.
The last straw was not long after he had come out of hospital, he got very drunk one night, and pinned me up against the door with his hands around my neck.
I couldn't help him anymore, my safety was at risk. He then left my home and got caught by the police drink driving, he was charged, and ordered by the courts that he get the help he needed.
I'm so glad i got out when i did, and hope i never experience anything like that again... | |
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| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/17/2006 11:42:06 PM | ok this is a good question....
my answer to it is yes i was with a bloke for 7 years who had an addiction to alcohol and gambling...i tried to curve it and help as best as i could by giving him better things to do with his time but nothing!!
i also beleive now that he has an addiction to being naughty...always looking for ways to be just that...
did i stay or run...well i will say that i didn't run he did as he new he had a good woman and couldn't handle it the fact that i forgave him for gambling our bill money and i made do with what i could...
i would have helped him but with any addiction they have to want to help themselves first and then someone else can step in and help them get control..
i still love this man i am talking about but not enough to take him back and go through what i went through for 7 years, i love the fact he gave me kids but i couldn't put the kids back through that again...too much stress and since we have been seperated( about a year and a half) i have accomplished alot more in that time than i did with him...
i hope i didn't just ramble on here hnd i made soem sence...lol | |
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mish
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Joined: 2/15/2006
Msg: 28 | |
| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/18/2006 6:10:13 AM | Tony's journey.... I have to say first of all, Thankyou for what you have written. I will reread again as tonigth been hard to take things in.
Also like to say thankyou again, for in the past from the other forum when you were also there... you gave me advice etc, the last few times i didn't take any notice of it before you left. I wished I had of :(
So.. on that, I'm also sorry for not listening to you!
I had to learn the hard way! All i can say is atm, ppl will believe and hear whatever they wish too.. they will truly not know the real story of what's going on.
Tony..I believe you are very right about the last guy, you know who! My self esteem levels dropped, by have managed thanks to friends who have helped me along the way.
It's only in the past day or two that I realised how bad he is with manipulating, harrassing, and stalking.. I did ask this question in another thread, Someone following you from thread to thread and cracking childish jokes about you, is that classed as stalking? He believes it's not.
Him and his friend also made out im doing the harrassing when all i have done is stuff about and chatting with friends.
Alot of ppl msg'd me over it, supporting me, and telling me what they see.
It took me awhile to realise.. but I don't remember the word you called it tony back when you were on the other forum.. but am clearly thinking now he does have it.
Atm, he still thinks I want him? I told him directly that I can do alot better and deserve alot better then him! I also told him i was over him ages back, that I also regret being with him and knowing him. I know harsh,but what do i do? trying to get him off my case.
Told him my thoughts but hes still persistant that I want him.. but am now ignoring him.
I know you saw it in the past Tony... I know I'm not seeing thigns either when others can see it too. some will disagree with me on this but most won't.
So once again thankyou tony.. and deeply sorry for not listening etc when I should of! | |
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| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/18/2006 7:07:21 AM | Mish,thank you for your post.Mish my Friend I really appreciate what you have said,but please do not be hard on Yourself!!!
Mish we are all Human and we all go through stages of learning and awareness.somebody being able to see something, at a time when we could not, do"s not make us a lesser person in any way!!!!It just means two People may be at different stages of Growth at the time.But it in no way makes one better or worse than the other.We go through basically three stages,firstly we do not know we do not know,then secondly we start to know that we do not know and thirdly we start to know that we do know!!!
Mish, I can see your Growth and awareness has acelerated and that is special for me to see.I love to see People start their Journey at becoming the best they can for themselves!!!
Mish your journey has started so welcome aboard.It is an exciting and fascinating trip of self discovery,self awareness,growth and learning.You will start to bit by bit unearth and get to know the real you!!!!You will discover new strengths,interests,ideas,views,new ways of thinking within you!!!Mish we have a hard or Abusive past,we adopt defense mechanisims to cope and survive.These defense mechanisims may include Denial,justification,Rationalisation,avoidance and many others.Adopting these Defences is like putting 10 Jumpers on at once!!!To see the real you,one would have to peel all the Jumpers off, as your hidden in underneath it all.
Mish that cowardly creature born in 68 is Narcistic Personality disorder and a bad case!!!It gets its kicks out of hurting Women however it can!!!It picks on those weaker as it is a pure Coward.He fears me, as he knew I knew what he was and he fears me exposing him!!!!yes somebody following you around on the boards is Stalking as far as I am concerned!!!!
Mish the other Idiot was very good at what he did.You know the one that when it came down brought things for the Party.Buying thing is how they put you off the Track that you are being used!!!Mish this type are hard to pick as they deliberately set out to confuse the Victim.
Mish again,please do not be hard on yourself as you have gained from this.You have learnt and gained more awareness.Big difference between you and these losers off the other site.You will go onto learn,grow and deal with any issues and become all you can!!!The Idiots will stay where they are and remain idiots!!!! | |
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mish
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Joined: 2/15/2006
Msg: 30 | |
| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/18/2006 7:28:25 AM | Thanks for that Tony.
Well, over the past few months have been doing alot of soul searching etc.
Slowly but surely have been able to start looking ahead at much brighter and happier things.
Think, though, with what the last one did, how till this day he still tries to manipulate myself, and yes others around him. I have watched.. and is very good at it.
The first one you talked of, has actually apologised not so long back. But he has got himself work, he actually seems happy.. he's certainly heading in the right direction. Sounds like he's actually been doing his ow bit of searching.
But he apologised etc, he had a very lengthy emai sent to me and was nice to hear him say he wished me well etc. we have the occasional chat and thats fine.
But the last one, that's the problem one.. he is definitly good at what he does that's for sure.
The amount of times I would apologise to him over things he made me feel guilty for etc. Normal would talk again.
Think it all got worse when I told him I was not apologising to him anymore as I have nothing to aologise for. told him to take responbility etc.
Look at it.. I was away with him for over a week. I go away somewhere else to finish the last 2 days of my holidays. Then... On the way home I find out he's dumped me, then immediatly he has his profile up online, within two days of ending it he was dating! he was actaully on date and got into a relatonship with her. well he ended it with her, straight away he was with another, and ended that one too.
Don't know who is with now or what but is still doing his "game" playing with myself.
Is why ignore.
I was over him, and well and truly now... Told him I am beginning to know what to look out for in the guys.
But he had a habit of making me feel bad when I shouldn't of.. the way he went about things didn't help my selfesteem.. to be honest .. and sorry if it offends others, but also you know my history tony.. so what i also told him was that I would prefer to be hit by the ex then to cop his crap. He thought i was joking! I said no, the way he has treated me..it's emotional abuse.
I have been through the lot, and he does this.. therwe's a diference now.. I pull myself up alot quicker.. I also know what to look for in a guy, also in no hurry if anyone comes along.
But yes..did feel ashamed of myself for even knowing him. Is it bad for someone to feel that about someone?
Never did. but I do... I guess he taught me a lesson, just cos he may of done some good here, the true colors came out so therfor lesson, slow down take your time when beginning out. | |
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| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 5/22/2006 7:14:13 PM | i always here if you need someone to chat to or am on yahoo messenger lildude567536@yahoo.com if you want to talk Tony | |
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| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 6/26/2007 5:17:02 PM | I stuck at an emotionally charged relationship once. The longer you stay & try & sort it out & make it better the deeper the hole you dig. In the end they just resent you for your efforts anyway.
You can't force people to seek help if they won't recognise they have a problem. Get out quick | |
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| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 6/26/2007 5:49:58 PM | I have seen the damage done to someone who lived with a fruit-loop who would lose it and then lash out at women. The physical scars MAY heal over, but those emotional scars may never quite heal again. It disturbed me to hear tales of mental anguish and physical abuse over the smallest things and the constant reminders of no self worth.
Even meeting with her ex scared her to death and standing next to me, she used to cower behind me to avoid his presence. It only took a bit of me setting him straight that got him to know that I hit back unlike defensless women and I had so many opportunities of giving him some of his own back but the best form of revenge was the doubt I placed in his mind about whether I would follow through with my promises. | |
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| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 6/26/2007 7:19:46 PM | | Ex suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder, eating disorders, and finally an addiction to spending money. Believe she still does to an extent, but she seems alot more controlled these days. | |
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| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 6/27/2007 12:52:42 AM | | My ex-husband has Asperger's Disorder, being married to him was like living in the twilight zone. He had obsessions, compulsions, strange behaviours and was sometimes violent. I was prepared to stand by him and make a go of things but he refused to seek help for himself - you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. He refused to acknowledge there was anything wrong with him so has never been formally diagnosed, although I spoke to many different mental health professionals who told me he had the disorder. Even when our eldest daughter was diagnosed with the same disorder (this condition is hereditary) he still refused to accept there was anything wrong with him. I had to make a decision in the end for the sake of myself and my daughters to leave him. Toughest thing I ever had to do. | |
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| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 6/27/2007 5:42:05 PM | ^^^^^ wow I think i need to look that up. that sounds like a partner i use to have.
I also left him because I was young and he scared me with the things he did.
He never thought there was anything wrong with him either but he did suffer from depression. And i thought that was why he acted like he did. But maybe it could have been something more | |
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| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 6/27/2007 8:45:36 PM | | Indiegirl, many people with mental disorders suffer from depression and/or other coexisting conditions. My daughter has Asperger's Disorder and AD/HD, she suffers from depression and anxiety also. The world is so stressful for them because they know they are different. ASD people have many sensory issues - e.g the sound of a pencil tapping may be like a gong thundering in their ears, someone accidentally brushing by will be like a violent shove. They don't understand much in the way of non-verbal communication (body language) so most of the time people are speaking a foreign language to them. There are various therapies and behaviour management skills to help them adapt but it all boils down to whether they want to be helped. Early intervention is the key, which doesn't help those adults with the disorder, who are mostly already very set in their ways. | |
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| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 4/5/2008 2:58:59 PM | | people with addictions can really bring you down,you can't help them as they have got to want to help them selves..... | |
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| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 4/5/2008 8:56:55 PM | At the time of writing this, I have a very dear friend, who next week faces court on alcohol related charges. Will probably end with a jail term.
At this point I am listening to all the reasons why they cant possibly get treatment, along with their admission that they are an alcoholic.
I'm at a crossroads, I know that this person needs my help more than ever, but I need to protect myself if they are not going to seek treatment soon. I'm lucky, I'm not married to this person, or in any sort of physical relationship with them, so alot of the extra emotional turmoil others are speaking of I havent had to experience.
I guess for now, I'm still the support person, only time will tell. I can relate to the points raised of being pushed away because you get to close, then dragged back into the mess that these people call their life, along with their need to blame everyone and everything else for their problems.
I'm glad this thread started, and have already gained a deeper insight into what is happening. Thanks.... | |
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| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 4/5/2008 9:18:35 PM | You have to think about what you can live with. I don't mean just you, shelle...but any of us - no matter which side of this sort of relationship you are on.
The sad, sad part is that eventually somebody has to say enough. And mean it. So many of us with emotional stuff will not even see that we have problems....until that happens. Some of us not even then. But not putting up with behaviours that are hurtful, physically or emotionally, is crucial. You must draw a line in the sand. I have done it, and had it done to me.
And I hope that finally, I have found the key that has let me react to fear of being controlled - I so want to be able to behave emotionally as an adult. It took 41 years to work out why I got so fired up (not physically) when I was feeling threatened...but it feels sublime to finally know. And to know what to do about it. I also accept there will be times when old defence mechanisms will kick in...hopefully less and less as I get used to feeling fear and recognising it as an old reaction.
It must have been absolutely exhausting for the people around me, and heart breaking. I can never apologise enough to them for their hurt I have caused. As an aside, I have been doing counselling on and off for years, since I was 18 in fact. Getting 'better' is a life-long process.
Some of you already know my problems arise mostly from being sexually abused for the first 12 years of my life, and being clinically depressed - but I've had successful medication for that for over 7 years. I don't think BDP is my problem, tho I was convinced at one point it might be becausue I went thru a string of dysfunctional realtionships, and sabotaged any good ones that I had - and couldn't seem to stop those behaviours, no matter how much I tried, or how many times I promised myself I would. As a result, I lost the most amazing person I have ever met as my partner - and I regret it to this day. He just couldn't take up the slack any more.
To anyone in a relationship, or with a friend who has signs of this type of behaviour...be strong. Set boundaries and stick to them. Seek help and support - for yourself - they may follow by example, but they may not. It is scary. No doubt.
You do people no favours enabling bad choices that they might make. And it is hard if there are children involved...but you must think about what is best for them...what you want them to grow up as. They see much more than we give them credit for..and they soak it up like a sponge.
I prolly shouldn't have posted all this on a dating site..... | |
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| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 4/5/2008 9:22:00 PM | Re my last comment.......I used to be scewed up but I'm alright now... 
Really, I thought it might help somebody else if I was honest about my experiences. I have no shame about the abuse part from when I was a kid...but I carry quite a lot about my ways of coping in my adult life. So it's not easy to disclose....but it feels good to know the truth. | |
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| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 4/5/2008 9:34:47 PM | I don't think I have ever been involved with any emotionally disturbed men, though my friends may disagree (zip it Naamah!! )
But I do have quite a lot of emotionally disturbed friends......god they are hard work!! | |
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| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 4/5/2008 9:44:13 PM | Bewitched,i'll give you a hug for that post.I can relate to some of things you mentioned.Nothing like what you've been thru.Your a brave girl,keep going.
Whether you shouldn't of posted this on a dating site Nah,its all good. | |
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| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 4/5/2008 10:03:52 PM | Hug taken, Bucky - god, you've got long arms!
You just do what you have to to get thru the day.....like breathe! (I can highly recommend a BIIIIG breath before a dummy spit, btw ) | |
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| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 4/5/2008 11:34:44 PM | | I think one of my ex-partners might have had borderline personality disorder; it would explain her uncontrollable jealousy, her desperate need to control my movements and finances, and her explosive outbursts of anger at me which often seemed to have no justification, or were out of proportion to the situation. I only know this now because a former wife of my father's displayed very similar behaviour towards me and everyone else in her life (including her own children) and had apparently been diagnosed with the same problem. Life with an emotionally disturbed partner can be hell on Earth. | |
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Naamah
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Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 47 | |
| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:03:45 AM |
I don't think I have ever been involved with any emotionally disturbed men, though my friends may disagree (zip it Naamah!! )
..but...but...but....
But I do have quite a lot of emotionally disturbed friends......god they are hard work!!
Zip it Hilly.
I've never been involved with any men who are emotionally disturbed to the extent being discussed here. I couldn't do it. I have never been one to be drawn to relationships that have a flavour of of parent/child, strong/weak, psychiatrist/patient, or whatever. Some people like "fixing" people ( a friend of mine's sister is a classic for that and seems to seek out people who need her help to get sorted out, and is now marrying one) but I am not made that way. A relationship is an equal partnership that should involve mutual support. Life will bring all of us on and off days, ups and downs, times where you are powering along, times where you crumble a bit, good and bad moods...and in a partnership there should be a mutual support. If one is always needy or moody or always leaning on the other, expecting the other partner to be the 'strong one' or the 'fixer'...pffft...that's not something I'd get into with them. If they developed an emotional disturbance later, once we were already together and something happened or changed, that's different. But I'm no martyr and I'd have my limits. | |
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| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 4/6/2008 1:56:09 AM |
I'm at a crossroads, I know that this person needs my help more than ever, but I need to protect myself if they are not going to seek treatment soon.
Good for you recognising your limits in being able to help someone with an addiction. Its really important to make sure you are emotionally safe when dealing with someone who has an addiction disorder or mental health disorder, something that is difficult to do. I work in the industry (Dual Diagnosis - AOD and Mental Health) as well as have a parent who likes to drink (alcoholic) but we have boundaries which limit the impact of his behaviour on the family... these work really well because we are all prepared to enforce them.
You mention your friend is facing a gaol sentence so in effect they will be coerced into treament as there is no alcohol in gaol ( well not licit stuff anyway). They will have to deal with detoxing and then living an abstinent lifestyle whilst they serve there time and if they are lucky may get seen by the AOD workers or the AOD specialist and be put on Campril. For some people this is enough for others its just the beginning of the road. Treatment in the community is sometimes hard to access but at some point your friend will realise life suxs with an alcohol addiction.
Good luckw ith it all | |
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| Emotionally disturbed partners
Posted: 4/6/2008 2:25:17 AM | ^^^Hey Rainbowskin
My ex just migrated to Perth...his your classic narcisstic, cheating, lying, womanising, violent son of a ****....if I send you a photo and a mockup, will you hand out flyers to warn the lovely ladies of Perth for me ? as a sister to sister thing ??? but seriously he has just married, the sad thing is, that wont stop him from playing ........
Its ok Rainbowskin, trust me hon I date them too ....oh I also go on and marry them as well.......that makes me doubley stupid....!!! | |
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