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Posted: 5/16/2006 10:05:50 PM | a few years ago, i met a girl at a bike rally function with my friends ,she was great looking ,and a better personality,not fat, but really big hips and legs..normally some say im shallow , i would never even approach anyone with that type of physical attributes,, but we talked and eventually dated and ended up in a relationship, her thick legs were a non-issue,she even asked me onced iif i thought she had a fat legs, i said "your legs are a little thick!" she laughed and gave me a hug for being sensitive i guess,,?to this day im not entirely sure!.what im trying to say is , if a guy like me who likes barbie type girls can see past such physicalities then there is hope, hang in there a little longer, and dont tell her to lose weight, you may lose her both as a GF and a good bud...eventually we split but not because of her thick legs,imaturity on both our parts mostly hers lol!! and my inabilty to understand whats on her mind,, like im Kreskin!!..............and i have yet to this day have seroius relatioship wt anyone remotely close the the bond we shared..but im not bitter!! .. but you need to ask yourself if she wasnt willing to lose weight for you,would you continue??and thats your answer there.
good luck | |
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Posted: 5/16/2006 10:05:52 PM | | I recently dropped 150 and I did it for me not because someone else wanted me to. If she is typical overweight she will get angry then depressed and then break out the chocolate and ice cream. She will lose it if and when she wants to not because you want it. | |
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rlian
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Joined: 2/20/2006
Msg: 28 | |
| am I a dick for doing this...
Posted: 5/16/2006 10:15:22 PM | | well the general consensus i'm getting is that its a bad idea and a pointless effort... so i think that i'll just have to move on | |
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Posted: 5/16/2006 10:35:17 PM | A few pounds versus -
I've been seeing this girl for a month now and we click so well. She's perfect to me personality wise
Do her a favor and cut her loose for someone that will love her for her. Clearly, you're not that person. | |
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Mimi T
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Joined: 3/31/2006
Msg: 30 | |
| am I a dick for doing this...
Posted: 5/16/2006 10:35:51 PM | ^^^^^...but if you would lose maybe 5 to 7 pounds, I would be happier^^^^^^^^
HarleyKat..... You should have told him to find a stick and shove it 5 to 7 inches up his a**..
Just a thought... lol | |
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Posted: 5/16/2006 10:49:04 PM | i would of told him..give me your clothes..and tossed them to the curb..stating..there i lost at least 5-7 now i gonna lose more.
lets say 160+ ....now you are on the curb also   | |
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Posted: 5/16/2006 10:51:13 PM | I think that you can fall for someone even if they are corpulent and I can see the original posters thinking too. You can begin a relationship with a corpulent (fat) girl and enjoy their company, enjoy having sex with them, but not be completely there.
I think that if you REALLY love someone you would try and change them when it comes to weight. Being FAT is just as bad as smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. If you love someone you will try and get them to stop being stupid. In this case stupid is being fat or smoking, but there are lots of other things that will end you life quickly. I can't believe all these fat women saying stuff like, "if you love them you won't try and change them". What BS that is! It is the other way around, if you love them you will jerk that ice cream out of their lap! Tracy (buccaneer38) | |
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Posted: 5/16/2006 11:04:13 PM | that is suck a cop out on things. bottom line is..if you dont like what you see, dont look then...no-one asked you to in the first place. how can you say its love when you dont know someone well enough.
when the time has come and you accepted the person for themselves and accepted them as such..then you can truly be concerned for them as themselves. He never once said he loved her...
but as for stupidity...its not against the law..so you are free to go. | |
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Posted: 5/16/2006 11:13:28 PM | Some here have given you some good advice; however choice of words in your question may have left you wide open for judgemental criticism from others... IMHO.
There's nothing wrong with wanting physical attraction... it's a prequalification... no two ways about it. Although that doesn't mean that the woman you're with has to be perfect, just perfect for you. That's precisely why I say in my profile... "I think mutual attraction and admiration are important for the long term; however depth of character, honesty and respect are foremost for any relationship. I don't settle for less than what I want and would rather be alone than with someone that doesn't fit."
My question for you... Why do you think there is a possibility for more than just friendship in this relationship? My suggestion is that you write two lists... what you like and what you don't. Then write about what you want to do... be brutally honest with yourself. This will help you to find the words to be honest with her and possibly be her friend.
Good luck to you,
Jack
"Success is learning to deal with plan B"--author unknown | |
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Posted: 5/17/2006 12:54:46 AM | You're not a d!@# yet, but telling her you want her to change who she currently is will get you into that category.
It sounds like you've made a connection, a feat that is not easy to pull off. However, if you're not physically attracted, there's seldom anything you can do about it, now or ever. Asking her to change is unfair to her since you are asking her to lose weight for YOU to like her. It gives off the impression that she, as she currently is, is not good enough for you, a sentiment that no one likes to have expressed to them. If she is to change, she will do it of her own accord, for her own reasons, not because someone else is willing to accept them once they do so. Telling her to fit into your mould is DEFINETLY not the best course of action if you care for her any at all. You either take her as she is or don't take her at all.
No matter which way you look at it, you did manage to "click" with her. If you can not get into her physically as is, then you at least seem to have made a friend, rather than a partner. Do not ruin either possibility by attempting to change her.
(I am curious, though, since you didn't find her attractive in the first place, why did you initially persue?) | |
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Posted: 5/17/2006 1:04:50 AM |
^^^^^^^ what ever happen to acceptin one for who they are...now he has to try an change her? i dont agree...you either like her for who she is...or you dont...plain an simple. accept without changing them.
It can't hurt to open her up to a healthy lifestyle. Nobody likes a girl who sits on her couch eating a bag of Cheetos for a snack. | |
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Posted: 5/17/2006 1:32:46 AM | I read most of the responses to this and I have to chime in.
It seems fat chicks are freaking out about this, threaten by this. As a fatty, I have to say that I DON'T feel threatened by this. I've had my moments when I cliqued so well with someone in spite of their physical appearance. I've also toughed it out when a person was just so good for me in so many ways but I wasn't physically attracted to them.
I didn't mean to gain weight, I was running two miles a day and within weeks I had gained thrity pounds, then thirty more a tiny bit slower, then a few more. I didn't know I had a low thyroid or a glucose intolerance. I had changed my diet on doctors orders to one that had nearly killed me (same doctor lost his license later, he had apparently switched my records with someone else when he gave me advice), and years later I struggled with small strokes until one debilitated me. Once I gained control over my health, naturally active and one to eat healthy, I've lost thirty five pounds and kickin a$$ in the activity department as a youth cports coach (I love my job, especially during soccer season) and yet, I've found the remainng weight just hanging on for dear life thse last few months. I'm healthy, but fat and I don't like it, but I may never get back to the weight I need to be. I'm not in GREAT health, because the facts are inescapable that excess fat will kill a person early. Now, here I am, a fatty with very strong muscles and good aerobic fitness and months of not progressing towards my goal at all, it's enough to make me want to give up if I weren't naturally a healthy living person. Someone who isn't naturally active and likes healthy foods, she'd have a nightmare to lose weight, especially without support.
I CANNOT find myself sexually attracted to very overweight men (though a round faced kinda pudgy but strong guy is *totally* my type) primarily because I am active and I want an active partner in my life. I can feel very strong feelings for a very overweight man and I have told two that, if they were healthier, I would consider a long-term relationship with them. I don't want to sign myself up for future nursing duty if I can avoid it. Car accident, I'll be at your side, hamburger heart attack, you're on your own.
That said, if it's important to lose weight and get in shape, after a month, she will have said so. She may never achieve the goal, but your support can be the foundation for a fantastic relationship. You bringing it up out of the blue will just be the reason it eventually ends.
So be a**** have your desires, date her all you want, it's a free country, and it's what just dating is about. Just tell her that you don't feel, at this time, that she is long-term compatible for you, or that perhaps you aren't ready for an exclusive relationship with her. If she wants to lose and is making the effort, find CONSTRUCTIVE ways to help, and make sure to get her input on how she wants that help. Keep in mind, that her efforts may amount to only good health, and not weight loss and you might want to putting your spare change in a jar for the day she blurts out "I was thinking of getting liposuction..."
Gini | |
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Posted: 5/17/2006 1:49:10 AM | Magor**** Your on here to find that special someone, Not to find someone to change, I would think. Accept her the way she is or move on. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, maybe what u r feeling is what everyone around u would say if u were in a releationship with a heavier woman, ever think about that? U of all people having lost the weight, should no the mental games one plays with them selves, its not very much fun. Then add some smuck who jumps in and pretends to care about every part of you, including the extra LBS.
I myself have lost alot of weight, heavy or not, I'm still the SAME person. Only difference is, it's easier to buy clothes. Just a month into it, hmmm, I'm thinking sex has been introduced? If so, well something made u do it the first time, whats stoppin yah now? OTHER people?
Just my thoughts: Remember, do onto others as they would do to you. Reverse the roles..... | |
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Posted: 5/17/2006 2:01:57 AM | | Yes, absolutely reverse the roles and I would want to live, so if I get hugh by eating more colories than I expend, get me off my a$$, tell me you love me anyway, but your going to whittle that lard off my a$$ by getting me moving and helping me do push ups away from the table and McDonalds...............Love means pulling the cheese burger out of their pie hole. | |
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Posted: 5/17/2006 2:28:34 AM | I have to agree with justasassyone. I don't think anyone wants to be fat and as she points out... there are lots of reasons women (or anyone) can't lose weight. Just ask anyone that has had to take large doses of prednisone (steroids) for extended periods of time. Believe it or not sometimes losing weight is not physically possible due to medication side effects.
Also, to the****in training that asked "am I a****...what happens if she loses weight...you marry her and have children and she puts on more weight than she had to begin with or ... she is put on medication to save her life that causes rapid weight gain. What are you going to do then? Divorce her cause shes fat and wont be able to lose it. If you ask me that definitely would qualify you as a class !**** | |
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Posted: 5/17/2006 4:02:53 AM | | you're not a**** you can't help who you are attracted to physically. HOWEVER , at some point don't all the good qualities she has and the fact you said you click so well with her have to count for something? She's probably already sensitive about her weight and although it might just seem like pounds to you , it's most likely a big deal to her. I don't think mentioning a healthy lifestyle to her is a good thing (I know I'm in the minority on this one!) Why? because you said she is active and healthy already - clearly your concerns aren't based on health - they are based on physical attraction. | |
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Posted: 5/17/2006 4:28:50 AM | Hey, rlian, I think you're very considerate by not wanting to hurt her feelings, probably more so than I've been in similar situations! I also play guitar but not as seriously as you. Anyhow, you might tell her that your doctor advised you to do regular exercise and that it would be great for the two of you to walk together. See where that leads you. A lot of women love to take walks. But if she objects, ask her if you can have a frank discussion with her. If she objects to that, realize that her "objections" are a part of her personality. That is something you'd have to be concerned with throughout your relationship. Anyway, Good Luck and hope the relationship lasts and goes on to the next level. By the way, I like the Yanks even though I live in Cleveland. I'm tired of all
these whiny sports fans here. If we can't win the pennant, we should learn from those that do!
-libre rich- (Also one who has lost 40-50 lbs. It's difficult to maintain that weight loss, but necessary for health reasons. Tell that politely to your girlfriend.) You are better for having lost the weight. | |
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Posted: 5/17/2006 5:04:24 AM | Dude, try this, buy a membership at a gym for both of you and go with her.
It can be fun working out together.
Tell her how you feel and make it a health issue, not an attraction issue.
It's worth a try. | |
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Posted: 5/17/2006 5:12:52 AM | hmmmm this is how it will work out if you tell her to lose weight..
she will feel like shit.. her self esteem will take a blow.. she will attempt to lose weight cause now she's going to feel as if no one will want her because she is overweight..
she will lose, gain, lose, gain.. when all is said and done she will maybe lose the weight and keep it off if she's lucky.. if not.. she will mess her metabolism up and struggle with weight for the rest of her life..
she will date.. on and off for years to come..
but the cut from her first loves rejection will be to deep to ever heal..
so yup go on and tell her to lose weight cause your just not into her..
or.. be nice and just tell her.. your just not into her.. nothing wrong with her.. just simply your done..
if she does lose weight for you.. chances are she will resent you... for a long time to come. | |
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Posted: 5/17/2006 5:34:35 AM | I know how you feel. I myself lost 200 pds and it can be done. There is surgery out there now that does work. And I have managed to keep my weight off for 4 yrs now. I myself have to have a physical attraction and if the guy is overweight I will not go out with. The one thing is you knew she was overweight when you met her. You should not have proceeded with this if this was a problem. | |
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Posted: 5/17/2006 5:42:54 AM | For god's sake people (esp the OP) its LOSE weight, not "loose".
When you LOSE weight your pants get LOOSE.
That being said... Tell her you'd really like her if she'd just drop a few lbs and see how quickly your dillema resolves itself. She'll probablly drop at least, what? 160, 170 right then and there. | |
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Posted: 5/17/2006 5:50:45 AM | Hi rlian,
You're not shallow for having your preferences...we can't help who we are attracted to.
Bottom line is you're not attracted to her...stop leading her on and move on. Let someone who finds her gorgeous now and not "potentially gorgeous" have her---it's only fair to both of you.
Good luck. | |
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Posted: 5/17/2006 5:57:46 AM | he is being ****
i used to be a bbw and if a man would tell me to loose the weight i would tell them to take a hike. Now i presently have about 15-20 lbs to loose and i look great. When i started to loose weigth i was ready. i do have some men who tells me im 2 fat. if you claim that you were 50 lbs over weight you would understand her reason why she doesnt want to loose the weight she isnt ready | |
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Posted: 5/17/2006 5:59:35 AM | Mimi and TooSassy and JamieCat....thanks for the funny comments!  It was such a non-issue for me, and no real loss to just say, "C-ya'!"
I think Ginibins post rocked...I too, am attracted to attractive people...I just think anyone can see past the superficial aspects if they allowed themselves. We should all be blind when first meeting someone new! What a revelation that would be!
I don't think the OP was talking morbidly obese or even completely unhealthy. Just cause your BMI is a little high, does not make you someone who is lazy and sits on the couch eating Mallomars while you watch Jerry Springer reruns. There are sooooo many reasons that active, healthy people can be overweight...won't even turn this into that sort of thread...but the point is, if we as humans are that shallow...we are missing out on a lot of great relationships. | |
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Posted: 5/17/2006 6:12:46 AM | rlian, how much weight do you feel like she needs to lose? I think you could realistically expect her to lose a pound a week on a healthy diet/exercise plan...if it's 25 pounds you're talking about, are you willing to stick with her for 6 months?
If you approach the subject VERY diplomatically, it might work. But it's a touchy subject, so she might be offended even if you come across as a blend of Mr. Rogers, Dr. Phil, and Oprah.
IMHO: If you feel like you could commit to being there for her while she lost the weight sensibly, go ahead and bring up the topic as tactfully as you can. Telling her that you'd like her to lose weight might hurt her feelings, but so would telling her you're hitting the road because she's too big for her. She would get over both eventually, but what I think would really hurt would be if she agreed to make some changes and then you jumped ship anyway.
Good luck. | |
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