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Posted: 1/10/2007 6:30:48 PM | | Well,how would you have felt if the shoe were on the other foot,like before you lost your weight?You said yourself she has a great personality and is pretty,you have been going out for a while,why now have you decided she may not be good enough for you?Maybe she is too good for YOU,so,do her a favor and move on,some other guy will be lucky enough to appreciate her for who she is as a whole person,sorry,just being honest. | |
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Rhett1
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Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 77 | |
| am I a dick for doing this...
Posted: 1/10/2007 10:25:43 PM | My ex and I were together for 2 1/2 years. I weighed about 10 pounds less when we broke up than I did when we met. When he left me, he said that he "was tired of trying to make me lose weight", and "I've never liked that you were overweight". Well, it would have hurt a lot less if he had been honest in the beginning than going through that amount of time, asking me to marry him and making all of these future plans. You can't make her lose weight. Leave if you're not happy. She deserves someone who will be supportive and you deserve someone that you are attracted to. I don't think you're being an ***hole for saying that you want someone in good shape...you can't force it, and years from now, you would be leaving her anyway, because the odds are against people who are overweight. A lot of overweight people will never lose it, or they will gain even more.
I know this sounds negative, but I really do think that you need to take her feelings into consideration. Just don't give her the "I'm dumping you if you don't lose weight" speech. If you do, she should have the legal right to kick you in the nuts. | |
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Posted: 1/11/2007 3:17:07 AM | | Lots of people, men and women stay home and watch tv and eat ice cream instead of going out to bars and having "anything is better than nothng" relationships and lonelyness and depression can cause weight gain as can injuries, illnesses. I like the advice of taking her for walks, treating her with kindness and not putting so much on the weight thing. If you really feel she is a great match, why not have her over for a huge salad and then go hiking, or walking, swiming, rollerblading or you know anything active. When a person falls in love,, things change, they often drop weight, look happy and become more active. She may want someone in her life that likes her for who she is, not just what she looks like. You are not a better person for losing fifty pounds, just lighter. You would be a better person for looking past the extra weight, supporting her self esteem, realize that she has been protected, sort of being saved for you. Just think, if she drops fifty pounds what a babe she will look like, but if there is nothing else but the body, snore... you have the opportunity for having it all. Just dont say anything negative, call up your friend and go bike riding, then talk about how she feels, try to find out inthe kindest way if she is interested in becoming a healthier weight. if you blow her off, she drops the weight and you want back in, you wont have her whole heart, just part of it. good luck and good question, it makes me feel strongly that you are a good person... just dont let the media BS tell you how to feel, tell you what is attractive, or tell you what is good, cool and beautiful. Use your own mind, take it back from teh manipulative corporations that just want to use these images to sell you stuff. | |
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Posted: 1/11/2007 4:59:52 AM | Jeeze, you talk like your all that........
Get off you high horse, Why did you date her in the first place if you thought her weight was a issue? Its not like she gained a shit load of weight in the month you were dating!
The only positive thing I can say to you is........Atleast your honest
The best thing I can say to you is................One day you will lose all your hair.........I hope PAY BACK IS A ****!!!!
Let the poor girl go, I am sure she can find someone who will appreciate what her "good points" are and not have some****head point out her one "bad point" (according to you).
I am chubby (maybe to you I am fat.......who cares) but I am also honest,sexy,healthy and could probaby give you a good run for your money when it comes to being a smart ass......but if you ever told me I needed to loose weight because YOU were having a problem with it........ppppffffftttt! Ya better duck because the war would be on..
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Posted: 1/22/2007 2:17:49 PM | Scenerio #1
You date a perfect girl (Barbie)....You love it...she is pretty, she is thin.....not much personality but she looks good. She turns you on. Your happy. Not the greatest in bed but oh well she turns you on at least. You are connected on a physical level.
Barbie gets in accident.......disfigurement happens, she gains weight due to not being able to be so active anymore.
What do you have left??? Not much.
Scenario #2
You are dating a sweet, fun-loving, and caring girl that you have connected with on a emotional level. Physically not attracted to her because she's over weight, maybe not the prettiest (big nose, eyes too close together....whatever). Amazingly she makes you the happiest you have ever been in your entire life. You have the best sex of your life (wowhow could this fat chic) make you feel good??
She's in a accident...disfigurement happens, she gains (more) weight.
What do you have left??? A sweet, fun-loving, caring girl who you connected with.
OK I am not saying all pretty or skinny women are not sweet, fun-loving, or caring. That would be just as bad as the OP.
This is one reason I don't post a pic on my profile. I could be the prettiest, thinnest girl or I could be the not so pretty (but cute), thicker girl......I want to find someone who likes me for me and not what I look like.
Whatever happened to not judging books by the cover???
I should also add.......that I had this happen to me. The man and I had the most awesome relationship. We connected on a emotional level. When we did finally sleep together he told me I was the best he had ever had. He also told me I am the only one that in real life has made him truly happy.
The last time I was with him I shouldn't have been. 5 min before our last ever lovemaking he told me he wasn't physically attracted to me. Funny 5 min after he told me that he was hard and ready to go. Maybe he was using his imagination to get up......
He told me this...I was the fattest chic he had ever been with.
OP.......don't tell her anything about her weight...
Trust me I know this myself.....It hurts like hell and ever since then I feel like I am fat n fugly and I don't think I am good enough for anybody. To the guy who did this to me.......thank a$$hole. | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 2:36:42 PM | | NO I DON'T THINK YOUR A****BUT IF YOU DO LIKE HER AND IF SHE UNDERSTANDS YOU AT THIS POINT OF THE RELATIONSHIP YOUR BEST BET IS TO SIT HER DOWN AND EXPLAIN TO HER ABOUT HOW YOUR FEELING....IT MAY NOT BE A BIG THING BUT IF YOU RESPECT HER AND SEE A FUTURE WITH HER YOU NEED TO FACE IT HEAD ON IT WILL BRING YOU CLOSER AND RESPECT EACH OTHER MORE THE NEXT TIME SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENS....IT WILL BUILD STRENGH BETWEEN YOU.....THE HARDEST THING TO DO IN ANY SITUATION IS ALWAYS ALWAYS THE RIGHT THING IT WHY IT'S SO HARD...BUT TRUST ME ....IF IT'S MEANT TO BE YOU WILL WORK IT OUT....ALWAYS LISTEN TO THAT LITTLE VOICE THAT GAVE YOU THE THOUGHT TO TELL HER AND NOT JUST WALK AWAY FROM HER....IT WILL WORK OUT | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 2:42:18 PM | | Did you just now notice she was over weight? I mean a whole month and you just realized geez she's too big for me. You are a d---! | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 2:43:32 PM | | why do overweight girls always try to come to the rescue of other overweight girls? and always with the thyroid/medication/i can't step away from the dinner and dessert table excuses? the fact is, most people who are overweight are inactive. or have never been shown effective methods of action to burn fat. being overweight, while being unattractive, is also unattractive for your medical records. higher tryglyceride levels, increased stress on your joints, often decreased bloodflow to the pelvic region which inhibits s e x u a l relations...higher cholesterol, blood pressure, etc etc etc. so not only are people who are overweight not attractive (now i'm talking overweight, not just the "i could stand to lose a few pounds", they're still good in my book), but they are also a drain on the economy through higher health care costs, if not now then definitely later on in life. that's all-state's stand. oh and people who are in better shape are more likely to survive things like car accidents. not to mention routine trips up the stairs. but that's for another day. | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 2:47:20 PM | | If you loved her her weight would not matter..... so it isn't love and you need to let her know that........let her know that she is a friend and that is it......... | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 4:57:26 PM | As one who is a little overweight now and who has been more overweight and also regular size in the past, I just wanna say that I'm so tired of people saying "If you really loved her, her weight wouldn't matter." People, we can't help what we're attracted to. I personally am not attracted to men who are overweight. And this despite the fact that I, too, am overweight. I can like them and enjoy their company but attraction is a gut thing--it's either there or it's not. And if it's not there, it's not there.
So, to rlian, I think you need to continue the friendship but let her know that you'll be just friends. I personally would not tell her that your feelings might change if she lost weight b/c if she could LOSE the weight, she could GAIN more weight. Generally, people's weight goes up and down and it wouldn't be fair to like her/don't like her based on what size she is. I suspect that you wouldn't be attracted to her if she lost weight. LIke I said, attraction is either there or it's not. I think you'd only be a d%$ if you kept stringing her along letting her think there's going to be more to this relationship than there will be. | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 5:18:04 PM | | Sorry....but if you can't accept her the way she is at the moment....I suggest you find someone else. You can't impose your lifestyle on another....whether it be with healthy diet changes, exercise, etc.....change is only temporary even if she does lose some weight. What happens in the future....should she gain even a few more pounds? You either accept her for what she is or you don't....don't try to change anyone! Good luck... | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 5:50:53 PM | No, sweetie, you're not a d**k. I had to comment, though, in defense of all the NOT FAT girls.
I'd bet money that all the people who are saying you ARE wrong haven't been to a gym or out for a run in a very long time. They probably didn't read the label of what they ate today and made sure sugar wasn't in the first five ingredients or kept their portion sizes appropriate or counted to be sure to stay under 1500 calories today. Yes, the entire majority of the country is over weight. YES, it's disgusting. Move a little bit, it'll go away. Saying you can't is just laziness. Becoming overweight? Just laziness. Yo yo dieting? Stupidity. Saying you can't loose weight, not really trying or seeing a doctor or nutritionist to do it right.
I have been on both sides of the fence, feircly over weight and just average, extremely thin and extremely fit. (and for the record, right now, in between). All of them I had control over. I never looked to fat girls for support, and I sure as H**L didn't stay at home feeling sorry for myself with my cat blaming the world for my extra pounds.
Don't hurt this girl. She is probably over weight because she's been hurt and doesn't know how to deal with the feelings. Self esteem issues, abuse, break ups and the world make you depressed. Depression makes you lazy, plain and simple. You telling her you think she's fat will just continue the cycle.
Its not fair to her to "pretend" you're into her. Be honest. "I love you, I love your personality, but I am not physically attracted to you."
OR be fair to yourself and find something you ARE physically attracted to--her eyes, her smile, her hands...and build on the positive.
And for the record, making BB people feel "comfortable" with being BB is just making the problem worse. If they were forced to conform to the fit world, they'd be doing a whole lot more to get healthy! | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 6:08:34 PM | To Rlian @ Msg 1.
Well, you've been "seeing" this girl for a month now. To me, seeing means 1 or a couple times a week with no committment to be exclusive.
You did ask for advice and it's not like you've been stringing her along for months nor have you indicated any physical interaction.
If you came out and told her that you had lost 50lbs, it could encourage her or it could have here hear you as saying she is fat.
One idea would be to simply plan your dates and outings to include healthier foods and activities without overdoing it. If she is up for it, then you have allowed her to make her own choices. If not, then you will have to make up your own mind of whether to continue to pursue her or not.
I agree in part with some of the other answers that people should not expect others to change just to suit our preference, but at the same time I don't think people should have to change their preferences just to avoid being seen as an inconsiderate jerk.
All of what I just said implies that you are seeking advice to see if it is possible to move to the next phase of your relationship. If you were actually trying to see if this would be a reasonable excuse for cutting it off, then no.
At the same time, this reminds me of a story I once heard.
A man walks over to his neighbor and asks to borrow his axe.
The neighbor responds with, "No, because I have to make some soup"
In reality he should have just said no and not felt the need to give a reason, it was his axe to lend or not. So if your looking for a plausible excuse, then just say no. And the sooner the better, there is no good reason for walking down a dead end street nor for leading someone else there either. Well, there may be 1 or 2 but I don't partake.
My 2 cents,
WeeLamm | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 6:20:02 PM | | I would say be up-front and honest with her. Communicate your feelings to her. Tell her how her being overweight bothers you. See if she would not want to workout with you. Give her some healthy food ideas. Sometimes it takes that special someone to motivate us. Communication is a must! Good Luck! | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 6:35:21 PM | Well, from what you've written it sounds like you really like her, get along well, etc. How overweight is she? Is it something you can gently introduce into conversation, maybe talk about the weight you've lost and how much better you feel?
Its a shame to let something that sounds like it has potential fall by the wayside just because she is a few pounds overweight. Too bad you can't see past that and entertain the idea that maybe things will be great for you guys in all areas.
Good luck. | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 7:06:49 PM | OP: Yes, you are a d**k. What if you gain "a few pounds" in a few months or a year due to a physical problem or worse? True love knows no boundaries and can overcome every obstacle. Love her for 'who' she is and not what she 'looks like.' You will change in time as well..trust me.
Sans | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 7:23:47 PM | I'd say end it. Women and men on POF talk about Chemistry and you don't seem to be receiving it from her. The perfect woman is your best friend with chemistry. Without Chemistry, she becomes.....just your best friend.
Don't change her, let her find someone that will treat her well, be her best friend and finds her the most beautiful woman in the world. | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 7:36:00 PM | "Losing weight doesn't make anyone a better person. In order for anyone to become a better person, they would have to make changes on the inside. Outside appearance doesn't have anything to do with how a person is on the inside. "
That isn't always true. There are countless cases where people have gotten much higher self esteem based on their new "Exterior".
If his goal was to lose 50 pounds and he achieved his goal, he become a better person for it. | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 7:36:17 PM | My reply is a little "old" but here goes My ex husband constantly monitored the way I looked - I had to be thin and with long blonde hair. What I am getting at is, he loved me but his love was focused largely (it seemed) on my appearance - how good I looked with him, how others looked at me etc. Fortunately, for the most part it was easy for me but a nightmare when I wanted to change my hair or while losing the pregnancy pounds.
My point is, it would be a lousy relationship if physical image was a major piece of criteria. What I would have suggested was to engage your friend in fun (exercise) activities and watched the pounds melt away. But again, if her physical image was such a big priority you would be constantly watching her - like my ex did to me......I don't think you are a "dick", just a guy who is really not sure what's more important - a great girl and friendship or physical image. | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 7:38:45 PM | "See what happens when you bring up the subject of weight here? You get all the overweight women whining and calling you shallow for not finding them attractive. You get the thinner and average people calling you an @ss because you have a preference yet most of them wouldn't respond to an email from an overweight person thus making them hypocrites, and you get the fetishists who love big women also calling you an @ss. On the other side, you get the ones who support you and say its normal to have preferences and you're not shallow which starts arguments from the other groups.
About the only thing I can see that this guy might do wrong is asking her to lose the weight. That's out of bounds to me. Either live with it or don't. No middle ground here. I too lost a lot of weight a few years ago (200lbs) so i know what its like being big and feeling unloved and unwanted, but just because you've been there and know what its like doesn't mean you should be accepting of an overweight mate. Its just not attractive to most people. And those who tend to be okay with it are not usually attractive themselves and have learned to accept the fact that most likely they have no choice in the matter. While I hated being rejected when I was bigger, I never got bitter or blamed others for my loneliness like so many here seem to do. Accept the fact that most people are not interested in you romantically or lose the weight, bottom line. "
aka Joe: That was a great post and thanks for the honesty. It's funny how people want people to tell the truth, only if it fits their truth. IF it doesn't, then you suddenly become an insensitive creep.
Keep on posting. | |
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Posted: 1/23/2007 10:29:32 AM | to add on to my earlier post....and this relates to this website basically...when did slightly overweight become average? i see so many girls post "average" in their profiles, when it's clear from their large arms and expanding midsection (none of these girls seem to post full body pics for fear of being revealed as ::dun dun dun:: overweight). attraction is attraction, he's not a****for doing any of this. now if you know going into a relationship a person doesn't like to workout, doesn't care about weight, but just happens to be thin because they're still young...then when gravity and age catch up with them, you have no one to blame but yourself for not seeing ahead to that time. however...if you meet an active person, court, date, etc....and then all of a sudden they settle into the relationship and become lazy and make poor choices in food selection, you've gotta toss 'em. they misrepresented themselves. either way, if a person is no longer attractive, you have to do what makes you happy. if her "fuller, curvier body" (another GREAT description of overweight) does it for ya, stick with her...you're a lucky man. if it doesn't, however, and she doesn't think she needs to lose the weight, then you have to go through your own weight loss program and ditch the dead weight (her).
on a side note...girls who are overweight...stop talking about your racks...if you weren't overweight, there wouldn't be a very good rack left behind. the end. | |
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Posted: 1/23/2007 12:22:30 PM | | slum: I came to her defense and I'm far from being overweight. News flash I do have a thyroid condition, and I did gain weight before medication. | |
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Posted: 1/23/2007 12:53:10 PM | yeah I have to say your kinda a****lol
you cant be with someone and think of all the ways you would change them........thats not good. How would you feel if it was the other way around? YEESH!!
so glad all men are not like that | |
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Posted: 1/23/2007 1:07:01 PM | i'm not saying everyone who came to her defense is overweight...i was just noticing a trend between the overweight people and those who defend them. majority are overweight, and think the guys are d*cks, and always refer to the skinny girls as b*tchy and "sorry i can't be barbie, look elsewhere". i mean when did the thin girl become such a problem. i know lots of thin, athletic girls who are very nice.
anyway i still don't exactly buy into the thyroid condition, but if the medication helped you, then that's great, so why do so many girls complain about their thyroids and not do anything about it? no one seems willing to admit "i'm fat, i don't want to workout, i don't care that i'm fat, deal with it." it's always "it's my thyroid, or this medical condition, or this other one."...maybe sometimes it's the lazy disease. or the "i can't push back from the table disease." overweight people just need to be honest, and stop coming up with excuses. and stop taking up the pool at the gym when i want to swim. :-) | |
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| am I a dick for doing this...
Posted: 1/23/2007 2:52:48 PM | yea... you fall under the dik category.... IMO
please op dont listen to this^^
interestingly, I have the opposite problem right now, in that I am talking to a girl who I am physically attracted to but not mentally
even if you make her lose the weight shell probably gain itback anyway because it wasnt her who really drove the effort
you're not shallow op, or a dik, what's the point of being with her in a relatinoship if you can't get it up anyway | |
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