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Posted: 2/13/2007 8:37:53 AM | | Well seems to me she already is a gorgous person and well if you are attracted to her in every other way then it shouldn't matter what she looks likes....Ok well now there is limits...And everyone has them.....Yes l'm talking to you...l don't care who you are...Someone could be the nicest person in the world but if they looked like freak show off Harold and Kumar l can bet anything no one would have anything to do with them...l really wish people were blind...ls sad that people have to worry about stuff like that with all the other shit that goes on in life...l have to make sure the person l allow in my life isn't going to hurt my children...So sorry if llooks aren't that big of a concern for me...lt's so hard to meet people these days that you do click with and you really should be ashamed for feeling that way especially seeing as how you have been there yourself...Personally l think she deserves better...And if you did care the only thing that would matter to you is trying to help her lose for her health not to make you feel better...lf you think you need an average person date yourself cause l bet you's get along just fine..... | |
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Posted: 2/13/2007 8:48:44 AM | | Instead of immediately putting her on the defensive for suggesting that she lose a little weight, maybe you could suggest that you both join a gym together, at least be a little more active in your lifestyle (i.e., hiking, biking together) | |
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Posted: 2/13/2007 8:49:55 AM | | I agree with BReal! You should have said goodbye along time ago. As for hurting her feelings she WILL get over you! | |
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Deco45
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Joined: 1/13/2007
Msg: 154 | |
| am I a dick for doing this...
Posted: 2/13/2007 8:56:12 AM | | You are fooling yourself and her. Sadly, you seem to be making a judgement on how she looks. That is really a shame since you claim to hit it off so well. Just consider this, if she were to loose the weight now as you so request, would she being doing it for you or her? Sometimes even after loosing weight, one can gain it back especially for women, what then when you have invested even more time into the relationship? | |
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Posted: 2/13/2007 9:01:43 AM | | I don't think you should encourage her to lose the weight...I mean she will just dump your shallow azz for someone who truly DESERVES her...yep keep her insecure! | |
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Posted: 2/13/2007 9:10:57 AM | I'm not reading this whole thread...but based on the OP. I think you should suggest doing active things together. "I'm going jogging today, you should come with!" "Let's go walk the dogs". "Let's go rollerblading" hiking, swimming, row boat. There are a bunch of fun activities that you two can do together that will help promote a healthier lifestyle.
If you outright suggest she lose weight...that's not going to go over so well. Besides, "loosing weight" is not a healthy goal.
Changing your lifestyle to encompass more health consciensouc (i can't spell that word so i gave up) activities is a good thing. | |
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Posted: 2/13/2007 9:15:39 AM | YES,YES,YES, you are not only a****but a prick.
If you were 50 lbs overweight I bet you still are not no handsome devil
by any means, do you guys ever look into a full length mirror.
Your personality makes you a****and a prick.
Get real, a man does not make the world go round. | |
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Posted: 2/13/2007 9:49:05 AM | | sorry but if you cant accept her physicall appearance for what it is then maybe you should just leave her alone . to lead her on would be kinda cruel. you dont really sound like the cruel type so i think you will do the right thing. and please dont mention to her about losing weight. she has probley tried many times and obviously not succesful. just tell her you only like her as a friend and enjoy being around her . | |
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tdh46
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Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 159 | |
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Posted: 2/13/2007 10:31:11 AM | No Rlian, You are Not.
I am female , not overweight, and old enough to remember that Paul McCartney was in a band BEFORE "Wings ".
Way back when, girls/ women had this theory: That it was possible to find a guy - and then change the things about him she did not like. This did not work / has never worked/ will never work. People should be respected for what they choose to be.
Know what is acceptable to you before investing yout time and (emotional) energy.
My dealbreakers are Married , Alcoholics, Liars of all sorts, or Druggies at the top of the list. Other preferences figure in later. I don't think I could be interested in an obese person, or couch potato either, because exercising and healthy eating is too big a part of my life.
What you might consider is put pencil to paper , decide what you want, and when to cut your losses if there is no match , sooner rather than later.
By dragging on, you are 'burning daylight' , both yours and her's and the real potential partners both of you could have.
Best of Luck | |
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Posted: 2/13/2007 10:39:25 AM | Ok...I'm not going to bash you for this because it sounds like you really do care for this girl and you're really struggling with this issue. And, while you can't help what you're attracted to, obviously you weren't too repulsed by it or you would not have let her get this far.
The question is..is it something you think you can get past? If her losing weight is going to be a condition of you being with her...hit the road. You're not doing her any favors by stringing her along.
If, on the other hand, you find that this is something you can live with, then and ONLY then should you talk to her about it...and make it very clear that you are in for the long haul regardless, that you are not asking her to change FOR YOU, but rather for herself, because you want her to enjoy a long and healthy life. Just make it VERY clear that you are going to stick around no matter what her size is, and offer to help her make a few changes in her diet, and offer to be her workout buddy. There's lots of activities that you can enjoy together that will help her take the weight off. The most important thing with this kind of conversation is to make sure she understands that it's not a big deal to you...it's not a condition, it's not a deal breaker, you are not saying to lose the weight or say goodbye. | |
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Posted: 2/13/2007 10:59:43 AM | OP, there is nothing wrong with having a physical preference - I've never met anyone who didn't like or dislike something physical about the opposite sex. I do wish you hadn't let things go on so long, but obviously you really do like her.
However, please don't tell her she's too heavy for you. As you say, stating the obvious. I guarantee, she KNOWS she is overweight, and she KNOWS it's an issue for you. Women with any excess pounds are perfectly aware of it, we don't need other people to point it out. And while I too have lost a significant amount of weight, I know it is not easy and can't be done at the drop of a hat, nor can it be done to please somebody else.
I don't intend this to be mean, just thought-provoking: If you can't get over her weight now, what will happen when her hair goes gray, she needs glasses, gets veins in her legs and spots on her hands and wrinkles on her face? Everyone changes, and what looks good to you now may not look so good in 5 or 10 years.
Have you ever heard this: Women marry a man thinking he will change. Men marry a woman thinking she will never change. | |
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Posted: 2/13/2007 2:36:12 PM | | i say you're a****for sure it took you a month??when did it really click in your head 28 days later??hows her personality?an ex of mine has gained some weight but she had a beautiful personality and if i ever had a chance i would go back to her and i'm not basing this on her weight on her personality,get it?? | |
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Posted: 2/19/2007 2:00:46 PM |
I used to be 50lbs overweight many years ago and I’d liked to think I’m a better person for loosing it.
Ya. I'm sure you'd like to think that. But you're not. You're only a thinner person.
Good luck.
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Posted: 2/19/2007 3:25:08 PM | some of these responses are just disgusting. News flash people! He has a right and a perfectly reasonable request.
Now you say you were overweight as well? Well firstly Id like to says congrats to you for losing the weight. Heck of a achievement and you are a better person for doing it.
If you want my opinion. Just open up and be honest with this person. If you can't work things out then u need to end the relationship. Though at least give it a good try because finding someone thats nice and loyal is a difficult thing to come by.
Weight is a touchy subject but I believe if you yourself make the effort to keep yourself in shape. (look your best) Then you have the right to expect the same from your partner.
Weight personally is not a deal breaker for myself but Physical attraction is Statistically a large part of a relationship. If things are going to last you need to be comfortable with someone in every way. If not the chances of you staying together are slim. | |
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Posted: 2/19/2007 4:21:18 PM | You're in a tough situation, I'll grant. I won't be one of those people to say "zomg you're so shallow" or even, "you need to tell her first". I understand about being attracted to someone in different ways, which may or may not match up.
I will try to offer my advice, which is hard because I'm having to put in words things which I've only really thought about before, in vague in-my-head terms.
I'd say first, ask yourself just HOW attracted you are to her as a person, mentally, personality-wise, etc. Because I've met someone whose body I was fine with, but whose personality was so hard to deal with that it would never work out in the long term. This could even be said of my recent ex, though we did usually get along. But just consider, if you get along as well as you say you do, which of the two are harder to find (good body or good personality that clicks perfectly with yours). Think hard about whether, once you're comfortable with them, you couldn't mentally overcome the issue of her weight. Most guys should ask themselves this anyway, just since there's a likelihood that the girl will eventually gain weight, and there damn well better be a good level of compatibility in personalities at that point.
My advice would be, perhaps, to do both things. That is, accept her as she is, but tell her your feelings early-on. For most people this will be a big conflict, though perhaps it is a risk worth taking, if it's that important to you. Telling the truth would be the most important thing if you're gonna take this approach, and put it simply: she means a lot to you, and you love her for her, and your personalities are a perfect match, but you would honestly be more physically attracted if she lived a healthier lifestyle. Don't say "lose weight or I lose you", and be prepared to live up to that. But what you can do is ask her to participate with you in becoming healthier, healthy activities, and healthier eating habits.
Now, my ex always hyper-reacted and blamed me for "wanting to change her", even though I honestly thought she was alright like she was (but at the same time she would have been HOT if she'd been at a more healthy weight). However, if the situation were reversed, I would honestly not mind so much [then again, i guess guys are different like that]. There are some things that I wouldn't mind having the proper motivation to do, even. Unfortunately I'm not sure whether your girl will be as rational / understanding about it as that, but if the alternative is no better, why not? you just have to choose your words very carefully, make sure she knows you like her either way, and be ready for a sticky situation. If you're lucky, though, it might work out well.
I don't know if others will flame me for having said this, but I have to agree with what some others have said: you are entitled to have your preferences as to what you find attractive or not. But at the same time, i have to agree a bit with the people who suggest you accept her for who she is... My problem with that is everyone cries and complains instantly about people trying to "change" their partner... Well I'm sorry, but every relationship EVER is about both partners changing themselves a bit to be a better fit for the other. If you say i'm wrong, you're in denial. It's just that most of the time it's not explicitly stated, and in the worst case it gets to be a passive-agressive back-and-forth game. Well, if she wants to be with you, she should be willing to undertake a bit of adventure and pursue a healthier lifestyle (provided that you participate 100% with her on it, and accept her WHATEVER the result is). And if you're considering dumping her over the issue anyway, she should at least be given the chance, no? | |
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Posted: 2/19/2007 10:22:48 PM | I wonder if she was at home right now thinking "I wish his penis was bigger, but oh well...he's a nice guy and maybe I'll give him a chance."
If you really DO like her, or even care for her, tell her how you honestly feel and keep it warm, kind, considerate and honest. Don't sugarcoat it.
And maybe till she loses it, turn the lights down lower. Feeeel your way around for a change. | |
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Israd
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Joined: 10/10/2006
Msg: 168 | |
| am I a dick for doing this...
Posted: 2/19/2007 10:31:39 PM | | attraction is a big ordeal. I've met tons of nice guys, and met tons of good people, but let's face it.. we care about who we are dating, sleeping with and so on.. and there for we want someone who cares about themselves to the same extent we do.. | |
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Posted: 2/19/2007 10:47:58 PM | HEY EVERYONE... THE ORIGINAL POST WAS MADE IN MAY 2006...
Chances are probably pretty good that whatever the OP was going to do has already happened...
Hmmm... now I have to live with never knowing the resolution... *sigh* | |
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Posted: 2/20/2007 10:47:42 AM | ok heres my advise, i dont understand why men have this hole thing about how women look, to me looks are not everything, its the person inside and the personality if u do click as u say, looks shouldnt matter 2 u.
being overweight myself id rather be they way i am with a bubbly personality and have a man go for me because of who i am, not because of the way i look, i wouldnt want a man 2 be with me because of my looks because i would think that i was just a painting on a wall and he would want 2 show it off.
girls always hear men saying wow look at her shes fit or stunning, u never hear a man say wow shes lovely got a great personality.
im not saying u should make ure self like her but just think would u rather be with some 1 u click with or just a pretty face and body? | |
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Posted: 2/20/2007 12:32:09 PM | Okay- here's my question- does what she eats seem like alot? If a guy asked me to lose more weight (I lost 70+lb in the last year) I would probably burst out crying because I am very careful about what I eat, I go to the gym 5-6 days a week, I can run 10km- but my body refuses to lose anymore- I am a size 6-8 and it seems pretty happy here and I think I would have to go to unhealthy extremes to force myself to lose more. If she's in the same situation that would be so hard for her to know that her body's natural resting point was too 'fat' for you.
But to address your question- if she is eating unhealthily tell her you are going on a 'health kick' and you'd really like her to adapt to your healthy lifestyle too because you want her to be healthy and around for a long time (and you're doing the same). If she doesn't exercise better yourself, start running, join a gym, see if she wants to come along to spend time with you. But if she's already healthy none of this will do it- she may just have a bigger frame etc. If that is the case then you need to end it and not get more and more attached so it hurts more and more- just my opinion... | |
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Posted: 2/20/2007 12:52:49 PM | Tell her that that you don't have romantic feelings for her. Set her free now so that she can meet a guy who accepts her as she is right now. If you do that, you won't be a d*** anymore unless you do it again.
Good luck | |
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Posted: 2/20/2007 12:57:56 PM | | If you really feel that would want to take it further with her...then her weight should NOT be an issue. If you are not attracted to her looks and this is what is stopping you from taking it further then you are fooling yourself to believe that it would be better when she lost weight. Think about this...you tell her how you feel ....she looses weight...you think she is looking great....but now your not the right person in her eyes....because you have judged her based on her size and not who she is...physcial attraction should only be a small part of your compleate attraction to someone...you need to think about age alone will change a persons look...what happends if she got disfigured because of an accident...again she will look different...would you still care about her?....You need to stop fooling yourself and her. | |
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Posted: 2/20/2007 7:56:58 PM |
She's perfect to me personality wise
You know what? She can lose weight...but you are always going to be a**** 
That is just so stupid, shallow and immature. Nobody will keep a great figure forever. What matters in the end is what is inside.
May you and the barbie you dump her for live in eternal misery.......  | |
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Posted: 2/22/2007 1:36:05 PM | Yeah, justasassyone, but it's OK for a guy to look like a complete slob. I can't tell you how much this double standard pisses me off. We are expected to dress the way he wants us too and look like a Barbie Doll, but it's perfectly 'normal' for said *&#$^ to walk around with his belly hanging out of his white, grease-stained, sleeveless wife-beater shirt with his flabby arms flappin' in the breeze. Just the kind of man I want to be an object for.
Man do I have issues........................LOL LOL | |
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