| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 5/28/2006 1:09:59 AM |  Gee, doing the yard work is such a way to empower yourself. just imagine all that power at your finger tips, the power of life and death, too mow or not...plant or pull...but what is best is the chance to create and make it truely your own...digging in the dirt is good for the soul and it is a way to put things back in order after all your hopes and dreams have been smashed because you took a chance and trusted....the hope is after the storm and the seasons you will be able to truely have new growth and be a new highbred , pest resilant and disease free...ie( not bitter, able to trust, willing to try again)  | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 10/1/2009 8:35:35 PM |
Anyone else, who's ex left them, discovered it was the habit and not the s/o they missed?
My circumstance being a widow was very different. At the end of his life, I was his caretaker, and we were together 24/7. When he died I didn't know what to do with myself, having all this time on my hands.
Honestly, I didn't miss the dialy dialysis, the respirtatory treatments, the shots, the dressing changes, the ostomy changes, counting out pills, going to doctors appointments and the pharmacy and the hospital.
What I missed was the company and companionship. I miss his sense of humor.
I miss his unconditional love. I miss his love of life, fighting to live just one more day.
I miss being adored. I miss being told every day I was beautiful.
The routine of life, taking care of him was a habit, which I was relieved when it ended.
The person was never a habit, he was a blessing.
Now that the pressures of being a caretaker are over, life is entirely different. I guess I have had to learn to live a life where my needs are more central. I still have the kids to raise, but the freedom to do what I want to do when I want to do it is amazing.
I look forward some day to sharing my life with another man, but am not in a hurry. I have two kids to raise to independence. When the kids fly the coop, I would gladly partner with another soul, hopefully for the rest of my days. | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 10/2/2009 12:14:27 PM | Boy, you guys had it rough. The First time, all I took was the kids beds,
second time, the den furniture and half the towels/kitchen, etc.
The 3rd time, he got the couch, his bed, two end tables, tv and coffee table, all he could fit in the assisted living center room.
I just keep giving and giving and giving.
And yes, it was just a habit and I was scared, that's what I was, scared.
outdoorgirl | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 10/2/2009 12:32:50 PM | Someone who throws you away and just stops by to "see the dog" is NOT your friend in my opinion.Congratulations on your new found independence.I went thru all that and now I don't let people use me.(Storing their crap they don't want at their house)You will soon see that your "type" will be a woman who will respect you . | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 10/2/2009 1:11:13 PM | Good topic!
I can't speak to the question of a given relationship being just a habit - I don't have the best track record for longevity there anyway. I know I've "pined" for some who left and others I was relieved. I'm certain a lot of the "pining" was more for the familiar comforts ofthe relationship than for the person herself!
What I have found after many years of mistakes (my part and theirs) is that, for me, just being in a relationship was a habit! When one failed - I ran for the next. When I was single - I felt I was doing something wrong! If I wasn't at least dating - I felt I wasn't "normal" like everyone else around me! So I'd do my grieving or decompression if you will (usually a very short period) , get back on that horse, and proceed to ride blindly into the next catastrophe!
Strangely enough, most who know me would never consider me as either co-dependent or as someone who needed a partner to validate himself. I've never had any problems leaving behind places, things, and even people when it was time to go! I've always been able to "stand on my own". I always claimed that I just chose not to.
When I found myself alone at 44 after being left behind by someone I truly thought was my soulmate, it forced me to consider what I might be doing wrong. After all, if the single common denominator in several insoluble equations is me - I must be a large factor in the fact that the equations are unsolvable! I finally did the one thing I'd never tried. I didn't look for the next one, I looked at what I had in my life without any one else in it.
A few years into this agonizing new experience - I finally realized I didn't need someone to be happy! What a revelation! I even figured out that alone doesn't always need to be lonely. I was still a long way from any kind of real enlightenment - there was still a lot of bitterness and blame laying to be overcome - but I was learning.
It took a lot more time to finally realize the root of the problem - I was addicted to the comforts of being with someone - I just wasn't choosing those partners for anything beyond the fact that they were available! Basically a habit of not being alone!
So yes - relationships can be the result of habit. The loss we feel when they dissolve IS often from the fact that we've fallen into comfortable, familiar, patterns of behavior and we agonize over the loss of those comforts, not the partner who left us (or we left) behind. Even when we know our lives are truly better despite the "loss". Some habits just aren't easy to break away from.
Cheers  | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 10/2/2009 1:26:54 PM | I was crushed when my ex-husband left but it was the best thing he could have done for me. I would have put up with all his sh*t til hell froze over because I was bound and determined not to divorce again. He took the option out of my hands and I thank him every day for it. I was miserable towards the end of the marriage and it would have just gotten worse.
I loved the man but I sure disliked the person he'd become. That's no way to live in a marriage. | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 10/2/2009 9:29:57 PM | In the case of my husband's death I missed everything- him, his laugh, our times together and our marriage. And I missed him on behalf of our 2yr old son.
In relationships, I've learned that I hang on for too long as I end up with broken men whom I think are a work in progress and I look for what's in them deep down- while ignoring what's on the service. believing in the fantasy that they'll meet wonderful me and I will heal them. Now how dumb is that.
I end up hurt and resentful because I'm with men who are emotionally unavailable and emotionally impaired. They can't give to me. We both hang on too long because of the fantasy and the comfort of having someone in your life. And then it deteriorates as reality sets in and the thing spirals downward.
Have I learned?? I sure hope so but can't promise. Time to look at this to assess why I do this. | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 10/3/2009 3:32:34 AM |
My suggestion is to - call everyone - exes - kids force them to come and remove their junk or toss it out - get rid of things that remind you of your life before (before right now) and make the place YOUR PLACE.
This is such great advice! Three years and more on, and there's still cr*p in my attic that belongs to my ex. He's married now, got his own place, but can he be bothered collecting his stuff? Think I'll get me a skip... | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 10/3/2009 4:08:15 AM | I was so un-prepared for the major change...I spent years packing and unpacking tons of "things". All the little parts of that former life. I just couldn't give them up. They were my security blanket.
Then, finally, I put all of it on ebay. Sold off the "stuff" of a life that was long gone.
I guess I had to get out of the habit totally before I could do that.
Now I have only the small number of this which are MINE.
Unlike Ron, I had to live on my own for a good long while before I could do it. | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 10/3/2009 4:27:41 AM | OP ditto, I was so ashamed that I did not miss him one day, never have (talking the ex husband). But now see there are others like me.
and reading the post about the fit and healthy male, that is so important to me, well its because he was a boring fat lazy coach potato, I know what I dont want again everrrrrrrrrr!
I have made the place my own, apart from the two pink sofas (which are going to be covered with new red covers, always hated the stupid pink sofas).
My bedroom is yellow and white, it is stunning and a room I love now.
But to really mve on - thinks it is best to sell up and move out, make a new place your place with no memories in the walls. | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 10/3/2009 7:17:41 AM | OP, it took me a long, long time to realize when my routines are 'upset' then I'm a basketcase. I've been single for 26 years but had lots of boyfriends. One lasted for 5 years, one lasted for 7 years and the most recent one is like a revolving door but you know what? At my age I can now see the chapters in my life that have closed so abruptly were actually meant to close in order to start a new one...even though I thought there should have been a few pages left to read. Well, the chapter was just over. No ifs, ands or buts about it.
I now just shrug my shoulders and realize the only constant in life is change. Even my animals get upset when their routine is disrupted. We all do. When the 'familiar' is suddenly taken away, we can't see how great our lives can be without that other person. I look at the 'now' of my life and automatically see the 'future' of what it can be. I'm not happy now, but I will be and it's all up to me. I guess maybe I've been conditioned to transport my emotions to a time when I know things will be better...call it a defense mechanism or whatever but it certainly works for me.
I miss a lot of people that I've known in my life and know that I landed in their life or they landed in mine to teach me something. I've since opened myself to learn those lessons and move on instead of holding onto an emotion like anger or bitterness toward that person for a long period of time.
Sans | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 10/3/2009 8:53:10 AM | Not a nurse: Good suggestion. I have an opportunity in another city and am full of conflict about the idea of moving at this stage of life. On the other hand, I feel rooted to this house I shared with my late husband. Not because it's full of memories but because it's just here. And it has made realize I'm stuck in non-movement. I have made great strides but physically breaking with the past is a good thing. Get rid of the stuff, get new stuff and start anew. Scary- but cleansing too.
Never would have pursued an oppty in another city but this just happened. Meant to be. And gets me far away from my own revolving door relationship which is an energy and emotion sucker. All will be good in the end. | |
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| Was it loosing your s/o or the habit that was upsetting
Posted: 10/3/2009 10:43:17 AM | In my case I'd have to say it was the habit as I know now that we were done long ago. Like may of us, I don't do change well, although its often said that change is good for the soul to help keep us alive. Still, it didn't make me feel any better when my ex tried to throughly destroy my life, family, and professional relationships.
Still, I remember the advice of an old preacher of mine and that is to "always choose life". As comfortable (and as miserable) as my life was, I'm on the road to a great new destination! Now, its just to find someone to enjoy the journey as much as I do!
George | |
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