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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/22/2008 7:01:35 AM | I don't think men are missing out by not dating single moms.
If it's not for you, it's not going to work out.
Being a mom is a lifestyle.
Some guys don't like anorexic girls, some big breasts since those prevent enjoying certain sports, some don't like dedicated athletes, others don't like single moms or career women.
If the potential partner's lifestyle doesn't work for you, you're right not to date that group. | |
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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/24/2008 12:26:53 AM | After reading this thread, I'm quite disappointed with how some people act, and that's on both sides of the issue.
One of the prime issues I've seen has to do with a sense of entitlement that some people have and some has to do with selfishness masquerading as selflessness.
For instance, I have lost count of the number of times someone has said "My kids come first." If that's true, where does the guy come in? Second? I doubt it. That's probably reserved for your job or yourself, since both of those are essentially required to take care of children. So that leaves a guy fourth at best on your list. Would you tolerate being fourth on a guy's list? I don't think so. And that's what bugs me. People expecting unequal effort put into the relationship and using children as an excuse for that. That isn't selflessness. In fact, it's the exact opposite, but using it gives the single mom the moral high ground.
The second problem I have with "My children always come first" is that, no, they really shouldn't come first all the time. My mom was a single mother after my father passed away, and when she was going on her first date with my step father, I was crying because I didn't want her to leave. Her words to my stepdad: "He'll get over it." And I did. Children don't always need to come first.
And that's the problem I see here, and could be why some of you are still single, is that a lot of you are takers. Rather than saying what you can give to a potential relationship, it's all about what you can get from a potential relationship and if guy isn't willing to put up with that unequal effort, he isn't a "real man", whatever the heck that means.
The simple fact is that motherhood is going to be a negative for most of the people in the dating world. You have less time, less money, less energy to give to a relationship. That, combined with the potential for drama with the ex, and potential future financial liability, means that single mothers start significantly in the hole when it comes to dating. Adding on to that, the me, me, me attitude that I described above isn't going to help.
What do men miss by not dating single moms? Maybe the person of their dreams. But, until single moms start realizing the negatives, how to counteract them, and let guys know that they understand the issues, the guys aren't really going to care about whom they are missing out on. | |
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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/24/2008 2:49:47 PM | | Thearmylife... Until you have a child growing in your belly and give birth to that child... DONT EVEN GO THERE ABOUT THE CHILDREN COMING FIRST...my child comes first before any man..Thats the way it is.. You would be suprised at how many men understand this. I dated a man in my younger years (windowed with a daughter) and i understood his daughter came before me. Thats his own flesh and blood. I would never put a grown mans needs before my childs (as that what she is a child) Im not talking when shes older and left the house. I am saying though while she is a child, yes she comes first. If no guy understands this then i dont care i just wont date. Simple as that. It takes a fine mature man to date a single mum!! Oh and as you mentioned that alot of us single mums are "takers" no its not about being a taker. Its called being a good mother. Making sure our children have happy fulfilled lives. I dont think putting your child first is having a me me me attitude. You say your mum went on a date and left you home crying. Then said in front of you to the man "he'll get over it" I think you have issues that need to be resolved. You say children shouldnt come first. Oh boy!! Hate to inform you but if my daughter is sick with a fever. Im going to ditch any date and put her first to look after her. Thats the sacrifice you make when you become a mother. Oh by the way. I have talked to many men off this site. They seem to think the same way as i do. That my child should come first. They actually like those qualities in a woman. Its so amusing. I mean your bagging us now for being good mothers and putting our children first. Yet if a person came on here saying oh its not about my kids i dont care what they think about me dating.They'll get over it. She would be labelled a bad mother LMAO.. Alot of women are with me on this one. Our children do come first! Sorry but if your going to date a single mum, understand this.If you cant go find someone that will treat you like a child and put you "first". Im a kind caring compassionate lover and girlfriend to have. Just one thing my girl comes first. If you cant understand that. Bugger off and dont date me!! The men i choose to date though are alot older than you over the age of 21 thats for sure, and they have a certain maturity to them and they understand this and appreciate that quality, that i am a good mother that cares for my child! | |
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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/24/2008 4:00:59 PM | meggzey78 well said! I know of so many stories where the mother puts the man first. I know of stories where the men abuse the family and the kids, but the mom still stays with him! That's your blood! Your child is your blood born from you.
I'd say that what a guy could be missing out is a nice hard working woman. If she is a single mom and you write her off just because of that, you could be missing out on someone very nice. Especially at our age. I mean come on, at our age, almost everyone has kids. Though I should say that if you are a man who doesn't like kids, you should definitely not go out with single women. | |
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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/24/2008 5:08:16 PM |
It takes a fine mature man to date a single mum!!
Or maybe it takes someone who is willing to ignore single moms baseless insults.
Oh and as you mentioned that alot of us single mums are "takers" no its not about being a taker. Its called being a good mother.
No, when you expect to be #1 in a man's life, while expecting him to accept that he is near the bottom of the list in your life is most certainly being a taker, only it comes with the moral high ground because you can say "it's because of the children" and that makes you a good mother, rather than a taker in a relationship.
You say your mum went on a date and left you home crying. Then said in front of you to the man "he'll get over it" I think you have issues that need to be resolved.
Actually, no, she didn't say it in front of me. She only told me a few years ago. So, congratulations on making false assumptions. And I certainly do have issues, just like anyone, but none of them are related to the fact that my mother knew that I'd get over the fact that some strange man took my mother out on a date, which is why I was crying.
I dont think putting your child first is having a me me me attitude.
I think it's safe to say that you completely and totally missed the point I was trying to make. Balance is the key. Expecting a relationship when you don't put any time or effort in, but at the same time expect the guy to put in a full effort without his needs being met is precisely what I'm talking about. People who do that want all the benefits of a relationship without the effort to make it work, which is the me, me, me attitude I'm was talking about.
If you cant go find someone that will treat you like a child and put you "first"
I don't want to be put first. What I do want is an equal relationship.
Bugger off and dont date me!!
With your insulting attitude, that is my plan. | |
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sdmage
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Joined: 9/16/2008
Msg: 533 | |
| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/24/2008 5:25:31 PM | This coming from someone that got snipped many years ago because he didn't ever want kids...
There are some fine women out there that happen to have kids. I don't know if I could really deal with younger kids, as I tried dating someone with a 3 year old years ago, and it was always an issue. That woman was a serious catch too, and crazy about me, but I couldn't get past the "instant daddy" thing, and just wasn't ready for it. At 42, I'm a little older, wiser, and I would have made it work.
I recently met another woman, two older kids, and I'm so blown away by how cool a lady she is. At times, I can appreciate how she isn't like how I would picture a Mom...way too cool, but at the same time, I really dig on how those years of raising kids has turned her into a beautiful human being.
We have a serious distance issue standing in the way, but I know that if it doesn't work out, I don't think I would ever discount single Moms again. Some of them definitely come across as desperate basket cases, but they aren't all like that. Just might be the coolest person you've met. | |
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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/24/2008 5:36:07 PM | meggzey, for the first time I found your post unreasonable.
Are you saying that you always let your children have their way? Because that's what happens if you refuse to let them "get over it" sometimes. No child was ever damaged by not being spoiled, in fact it's quite the opposite--you are doing them NO favours by not ever saying no and showing them that NO ONE gets to be first and have their way all the time. Are you going to follow your child through his/her life making sure that everyone is nice to him? Go to his employer and ask for your child to have the job he wants or a raise? Of course not!
It's our responsibility parents to teach our children ALL the things they needs to know to be happy, reponsible adults and part of that is not getting your way sometimes. Are you one of those selfish, childish people who says no to their children and then babies them because their pouting or throwing a temper tantrum? I can't count the times that I have disregarded my child's bawling or temper tantrum because she didn't get her way or because she got in trouble for misbehaving--it didn't hurt her one little bit, but it did teach her that manipulation won't get her what she wants.
Secondly, this guy is not telling you to neglect your children for a man. He's pointing out that your partner needs to be just as important as your children--in different ways. That's not rocket science, it's common sense. There should be room for both partner and children in your life without neglecting either party.
If you're married and have children, do you stop going out for evenings with your spouse because you have kids? Do you ignore your spouse because you have kids? I sure hope not, because it's not fair to the spouse or your children.
Yes, children require more effort at times and some patience on the part of the man or woman who dates a single parent. They have to be flexible enough to understand that the parent sometimes doesn't get to be spontaneous or may have to run home to look after an emergency. But that doesn't mean that the date should be treated like crap!
Nutt | |
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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/24/2008 5:36:16 PM | **runs around waving her hands frantically in front of thearmylife**
Pick me Pick me. I'm free I'm free..Friday night is good for me.. no no wait.. oh my bad sorry.. my son comes first. he has a fever.. have to cancel.. hey, but since you were gonna take ME out anyway.. coulda swing by with some takeout for ME and leave it on the counter? you cant' stay with ME ..my son might wake..it's all about me dammit.. now get out..   
ha ha.. i made a funny..  | |
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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/24/2008 5:40:59 PM | Seriously though..
If I am going out on a date with a guy the only way I will be cancelling is if he really does get sick..then I have to stay home. Just about every single parent I know is like this save one and he is a single father, not mother. You are telling me you would respect a woman who leaves her sick child with a sitter?? If you would, then I have no respect for you. It's not about the children come first all the time. No a man doens't come first all the time either and certinaly not in the beginning. Certanily in the beginning I come first, as i'm sure you come first when going out. Dating isn't about who is #1 and who gets picked over who. It's about making the right choices with everyone in mind. If the single moms you have met have always cancelled on you or played the me me me card you are referring to, then you are either meeting the bottom of the barell scum or you are the problem..
Would you like to borrow my mirror?? | |
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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/24/2008 5:57:03 PM | no no no children who are always put first expect to be first for everything, which means no dates for mommy or daddy. I think not. I know my friends and I need me time desperatly. I need to go out with an adult on a date and just be spoiled and be taken away from the whole mommy scene in order to keep my sanity. my child comes first? sure... if there is something going on where he has to be taken care of or he gets sick or the sitter doesn't show, what else can I do? I think that's what most people mean by saying my child comes first. However it is not something I feel I should have to relay to someone who is wanting to date me. I am actually seeing someone and he has said it to me, that my son comes first, i have never uttered those words to him. So good guys know this without having to be told. they also know a good parent when they see one and know that they will get thier much needed and deserved attention once the home crisis is over.
I don't know about other single parents, but dates are so special to me, because they are all about me having a good time with someone I want to spend time with and see, who hopefully returns those feelings, which doesn't involve chuckie cheese. Sign me up for a few a week please. My son will get over it. Plus.. he is normally sleeping at grandmas or at a friends or at school or i have him with a sitter and probably put him to bed before i left. My son gets sick.. rain check ... oh i ask for it..  | |
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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/24/2008 10:25:13 PM |
Thearmylife... Until you have a child growing in your belly and give birth to that child... DONT EVEN GO THERE ABOUT THE CHILDREN COMING FIRST...my child comes first before any man
You might find it surprising how few people are actually able to separate wants from needs aswell.
And that being REASONABLE about where which things comes first SHOULD be a given. I think what he may have been driving at is that anyone that feels the need to state "my child comes first" is not only giving off a signal that potential dates are starting lower with this woman than with any other (making any other more attractive to start with) but, that they are either mildly retarded or assume the men are mildly retarded and must have basic common sense spelled out for them. If it is the former, we'll assume she won't be a great conversationalist and if it is the latter..... who wants to deal with that situation? | |
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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/25/2008 12:08:13 AM | | Nutt.. i actually find your post unreasonable. Just because i said i will put my child first before dating. Does not mean my child is spoilt and gets her own way. No i dont let her get away with temper tantrums and no i wouldnt let her speak rudely to adults etc. But i will not put a man before her needs. Say for instance she is sick. Im going to stay at home with her and not date arent i!! My child has been in and out of hospital since she was born. So yes she does come first before dating. Yes i treat my partner well, but my child has different needs to a man. If hes going to act like a baby and get all cut because i say i love my child more than him. Then no id prefer not to date. Nutt i am entitled to my opinion just like you are yours. Please dont go jumping to the conclusion that my child is spoilt, i give in to her and that i am childish for saying that her needs come before my own or a mans. Shes only 15 months old. Yes when you do have a child you do make sacrifices, and you realise its not all about you!! Oh and no i dont ever treat a man like crap or a date like crap. Just because i say my child comes first and doesnt in any way mean she is spoilt and i treat dates or men like crap!!!! NUTT there is a huge difference between putting your childs needs first and letting them be brats and having their own way!!! NUTT my child has been in and out of hospital on oxygen with lung problems since the day she was born.I actually find it insulting that you would assume she is spoilt and i let her have her own way because i said i put her needs first. I have spent many nights walking the floors with her crying, and sleeping on the floor next to her bed in hospital.So yeah if she gets sick i will put her needs before a mans,and mine when shes that ill. Please dont jump to assumptions about my child being spoilt. You have no idea!!! no idea what she has been through already in her short life. She is in no way spoilt, even if she has been sick i havent spoilt her!! | |
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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/25/2008 12:14:14 AM | I totally agree with you notinnocent. Unfortunately, that's not what most of the single parents are saying here. They are saying that their child comes first ALL the time and the other person should suck it up.
Nutt you have taken me the wrong way.. Think what you like i dont really care. Ive had a sick child since she was born. So yeah i will put her needs before a mans. That doesnt mean to say i would let her be rude to a man and let her be naughty and expect him to suck it up. You have taken me the wrong way!! oh well i know what i mean!! and just for the record i dont go around saying to men my child comes first. Its just something that i know. | |
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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/25/2008 12:35:37 AM |
If I am going out on a date with a guy the only way I will be cancelling is if he really does get sick..then I have to stay home. Just about every single parent I know is like this save one and he is a single father, not mother. You are telling me you would respect a woman who leaves her sick child with a sitter??
No, I would not respect that person. As I said, it's about balance. Any child's well-being comes first and that should be obvious to anyone who has a brain in their skill, but should a child's WANTS (read: not NEEDS) also come before everything, which is one interpretation of "my child ALWAYS comes first"? It's about balance, and that is the criticism I have of this thread - many of the women who complain about lack of dates seem to have the same balance issues that I am describing or at least are projecting that image. Coincidence?
ChocolateNutt - Thank you for saying in what sentence what I could not say in paragraphs.
All I'm asking for is a little balance. And, hopefully, a little less insults. | |
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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/25/2008 7:22:29 AM |
Nutt you have taken me the wrong way.. Think what you like i dont really care. Ive had a sick child since she was born. So yeah i will put her needs before a mans. That doesnt mean to say i would let her be rude to a man and let her be naughty and expect him to suck it up. You have taken me the wrong way!! oh well i know what i mean!! and just for the record i dont go around saying to men my child comes first. Its just something that i know.
Well that would explain a lack of dates. And it should also be evident why in this case few men are likely to be interested, it isn't that the guys are lacking anything. Having sympathy or empathy for someone does not mean they are likely to be considered a "good date". | |
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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/25/2008 8:53:43 AM | Many men have priorities in their life that have to come first and cannot devote 100% of their time to dating a woman. Anyone ever been a cop girlfriend/wife? (or any serious time consuming proffesion?) How many dates got canceled because someone was robbing a liquor store, dinners went cold becasue there was repeorts of a suspicous person next town over, how many romantic nights planned fell apart because some idiot decided to drive drunk and wrap himself around a tree, how many times have we had to stop in the middle of sex because his partner is getting his ass beat and needs back-up, how many weekends trips that we couldnt go on because he has to sit in court alll day, how many times in the middle of a conversation his radio goes off and he forgets what i was saying, how many lonely friday nights because some illegal immigrants just washed ashore on a boat,,,,and SO ON!!!!!!!
His schedule was just as or more demanding as mine as a single parent. I think that that gave us a huge underlying respect for each other.
And somehow we still managed to love each other. | |
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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/25/2008 9:27:52 AM | meggzey, you need to calm down. You become almost irrational at any response disagreeing with your posts. This is a public forum where we all have the opportunity to share opinions, and questioning your comments is NOT a personal attack on you--it's a discussion.
And, I have not taken you the wrong way--I took it the way you typed it. What you typed in your first post apparently was not what you actually meant, because you blasted the other poster for merely pointing out that there should be room for the man to be a priority as well as the children. You did NOT state that you do make room for your partner to be important to you or that your child comes first when she/he's NEEDS to, you stated very clearly that your child ALWAYS comes before a potential partner. You also clearly stated that it was wrong for the mother of armylife to say he'd get over crying. Have you not ever left your child at daycare or with some babysitter? My child HAD to go to daycare from a very young age because I had to earn our living, it was nonnegotiable (the alternative is living in a cardboard box under the bridge in a city where the temperature varies from -25 C to -45C several months of the year), and she regularly cried when I dropped her off. But when I returned to pick her up, she was laughing and playing with the other children as though it were the time of her life.
I did a lot of babysitting when I was in my teens, most of the children cried when their mommies left. Two seconds later we were playing, colouring and having a marvellous time in my care until bed or until the parents returned. Sometimes a child crying is NOT about a child's needs but a manipulative tool that they have learned from birth will get them what they want. It begins as telling the parents they are hungry or soiled and continues on to other needs or wants. It's our job to tell the difference between needs and wants. And crying under those circumstances won't hurt my child, your child or anyone else's.
I'm sorry that you've struggled with a sick child, but many of the other posters on this forum have had similarly traumatizing experiences. Your experience doesn't mean that every other person is against you or that you have to struggle against the world. It doesn't mean that every person who questions or disagrees with your posts is attacking you. We all love our children, too!
If you want your posts to be interpreted as you intended, then you need to type clearly what you mean without the knee-jerk responses to other posts. Calm down! Take a breath and reread your post to ensure that it is actually saying what you mean! I know it's hard when it's a topic that is important to you, I have the same problem sometimes. And you can feel free to remind ME to relax when I get carried away, I don't mind at all.
Best wishes,
Nutt | |
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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/25/2008 3:21:15 PM | A really late reply I guess but........I could never have kids of my own so adopted ..So not only am I a single mum,but have a child biologically belonging to a guy I never even met.I work full time and am not a scrounger in any way.So where do I fit into everyones thoughts?...My child would come before anything,everyone....how selfish am I.? and should I care what others think. cos I dont!!.But wouldnt change a thing.....I claim from noone and he is my responsibility in every way... | |
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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/25/2008 5:07:55 PM | Another late reply but better late than never...
I am a single mom with three kids! OMGOSH--are you still there or did you run off once I said that LMAO! It seems that number turns guys away if not from the onset, it does once we get acquainted and unfortunately I never hear from them again. It's frustrating as I try to be upfront with that as I don't want to put my kids in the broom closet only to POP them out after I've dated someone for awhile. They are a reality and apart of my world so either accept it or move on I say!
I have to admit, I didn't read each and every thread on all 22 pages of this forum but I did poke here and there and do believe there should be a balance between a partner, your child/children and work too...let's not forget time for ME lol! I am a business owner too and as one I find it is difficult to make all this balance.
I wanted to join in on this forum to get advice from those single moms (and men/dads too) who have had the same challenges I have had and to see how ya'll have balanced all that are on our plates.
I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts and opinions.
Thanks.... | |
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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/25/2008 5:15:23 PM | | Nutt. I just read meggzeys original post. I didnt misinterpret what she was saying. I think your the one that took her the wrong way.She stated she puts her child needs before a mans. You made a comment about her child being spoilt and her not being able to say no and her treating dates like crap because she said her child comes first. She then further explained that no her child isnt spoilt and why her childs needs comes first. Good for you meggzey you sound like a great mum. I read your post and totally understood what you were getting at!! | |
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| How are Men missing out, If they choose not to Date sigle moms
Posted: 10/25/2008 5:36:39 PM | Nutt..i think your the one that is picking everything she said to pieces. sheesh you said for someone to remind you to relax when you get carried away. Well ok RELAX.. She posted a comment on her views. You jump straight on her analysing every single thing she said. She goes on further to explain to you why she feels that way. Again you have a go at her for not explaining herself properly.
"And, I have not taken you the wrong way--I took it the way you typed it. What you typed in your first post apparently was not what you actually meant."
I read her posts too and clearly understood what she meant! She keeps on explaining in further detail because you keep picking everything she said to peices!!
"This is a public forum where we all have the opportunity to share opinions, and questioning your comments is NOT a personal attack on you--it's a discussion."
Yes it is, why are you jumping on everything the poor women said. You may have been questioning her comments, but wow so rudely and jumping to assumptions. So she gave you your answers just as nicely as you asked her the questions!! | |
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