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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/25/2006 7:56:48 PM | Well... mine was 5 years (16 off and on - highschool sweet hearts) and one child. He came home 3 days b4 our son's birthday...1 week b4 rent and a month b4 Christmas and said he didn't want to do this anymore. Three weeks later he took our son for an overnight...that was when I found out about the woman he left me for. OUCH! Then his dad told me about the Year of girls...double OUCH. It has been 6 months and it still hurts every day...especially that he is happier without me and I have...well...our son lol. Oh and a mound of bills that were ment for a double income family LOL!
Get some proffessional help cuz thoughts of killing yourself are scary...you can't do it on your own. Drugs of the legal kind can help...you don't need them for life. And the one you are doing now...get a network of great people to support you.
We can all get through this shit together. That which dosen't kill us, makes us stronger!!!
We need to unite and make them wish they never left! But Never take them back! | |
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Posted: 5/25/2006 8:01:05 PM | i am glad to here you say how precious life, your life is, soulmate4you. i am sorry to hear of your break-up. well after 29 yrs its much more than that. i have friends who have gone through and are going through a similar situation: marriage ending after many many many years. that is not the only purpose in your life. this only means the end of one...and the beginning of another part of your life, and a redefining of who you are as a whole.
my mother lost her friend of 45+ yrs to sickness. but because she realised who she is as a whole she is able to wake up each day and get out of bed with purpose. she is surrounded by loving support that reminds her of who she is and what she needs at times when she forgets (because her friend isn't there to remind her).
let me know, anytime, if you need a reminder of who you are. i'm sure you are precious and beautiful without your husband. | |
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Posted: 5/25/2006 8:21:32 PM | daisygirl,
i am sorry to hear of your loss. yes loss, for you did or still do love your husband and the father of your child.
when ever you are able, remember he may SEEM happier, but if you were a fly on his wall you would now a different truth. as you and your son continue to address the loss that comes up you will grow closer and closer to a place of health and hope that you never experienced before. he has made a choice for himself. his choice doesn't change who you are and how wonderful you are. you know that, your son will come to know that(he already does, he just can't tell you yet), your family friends co-workers, and many other people know that. i know that and i haven't even met you.
keep on, you're a success. it does get better and easier. the bills do eventually go away, because new possibilities will open up to make better for you and your son.
a little aside, i too enjoy the collingwood area. i have family in collingwood, and my children and i enjoy wasaga beach. there is a nice spot at a small lot amoungst the cottages that is just right.
take care, and keep on  | |
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Posted: 5/26/2006 8:13:23 AM | | sorry hun that is not true! Men CAN get full custody of the children. My father had full custody of me since I was 13 months old. My good friend has had full custody of his son since he seperated from his wife 4 years ago and another friend has joint custody with his ex wife. It happens all the time | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/26/2006 8:42:44 AM | Your missinformed, as I said, I have been active in the Father's Rights movement for years,from marches to filling courtrooms, from speaches to everything inbetween. I believe that because a few of you happen to know someone who knows someone that got full custody, and we are taking about full custody here,(as guardianship, joint custody bring no rights), you believe that you know the truth.
The point is, like it or not, we as Fathers have no rights.If nico's ex decides she does not want to lose custody, she will not, it is that simple. I have been in the courtroom and heard evidence given against unfit mothers, things that will bring tears to the eyes of anyone.
Now I am not saying that it is not possible,miracles happen,but just because he is a better parent means nothing in the eyes of the courts, there is big politics at work here people.
Lawyers will promise you the stars, and hand you a shiny rock, in return for your thosands of dollars,what do you think these people do?, every Family lawyer in Canada will tell you that you have a chance, what do you think they are going to tell you?,the truth?.
What I am doing here is telling people the truth behind a system bent on the distruction of the family as we know it, for what you may ask?, money.
I have reseached this topic to death,spent many hours in law librarys looking for presedents,you know what I found?,a corrupt system,period.
Now before you get all bent out of shape and slam me for being negitive, google father's rights, read some of the heart-breaking stories out there,and come back to this thread informed.
I trust nico has looked into the site info I sent him,he needs to know what he is up against here, it is a long climb up that hill, and he needs to be prepared for it.
One out of every 5000 custody cases will go the Father's way, this is not a made up number, it is the truth,it does not matter the living conditions, the abuse,nor the mental stability of the mother's in question,it is a system built upon ideals,the wrong ideals.
As I said, do some research,but be prepared,for what you will find is sad, to say the least,this is why we hang from bridges,not because we have nothing better to do,but rather,because we believe that children are the future, and we want nothing more than to be a part of theirs.
This is the Truthisee................................................................. | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/26/2006 9:41:30 AM | | Perhaps this might help you. Postpartum depression is considered a form of mental illness. Her actions were the result of illness, not malice. It is difficult to understand addiction and mental illness. This is something she had to work through. It wasn't your stuff. The pain that others cause us through their addictions can bring us to our knees. Seek out support groups ( Al Anon is one ) that can help you deal with your loss, and the pain she has caused you. The company of good and caring friends can help a great deal. You need to grieve and to heal. Love will come into your life again if you believe it will. | |
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Posted: 5/26/2006 7:32:03 PM | If you ask me, you should have put your wife on the bus and kept the kids. You sound like a caring, hard-working, loving person -- a good father in other words. She sounds like an unstable, decietful, vacilating, drunken, loveless b*tch -- a horrible mother. I don't know the whole story though.
-kevin | |
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| when does the pain end......
Posted: 5/29/2006 6:31:02 AM | Nico
You thanked one other poster for showing you that you are not alone.
You are far less alone than you think. Suicide is the third highest killer in Australia and suicide by men suffering from post divorce trauma is higher than all the rest put together.
It's a figure of one in thieteen divorced men.
Part of the pain, and a big part too, is the loss of the kids. The expersts in this arre on a site called DID.s Dads In Distress. Get hold of them. | |
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Posted: 5/29/2006 6:36:28 AM | | the bigger your heart; the longer the pain; i got a very big heart; my heart still hurts over a woman ;that left back in 1995; my heart hurts for years after losing a friend that i care about its all in what kind of person you are | |
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Posted: 5/29/2006 6:57:12 AM | I think you need to contact her and see how things are? perhaps get into some marriage counseling. She has some issues why she feels the unhappiness about being married and having kids. she is still young and does not want to feel smothered into a role she was not ready to be in.
You two were supposed to be a team..and you let her separate herself from her family...she was not going to get it together going to the bars while your at home with the kids. You both needed help and needed counseling on what to do to make the situation better. Allowing it to happen leaves you just as guilty as she is...sorry to say it..
Her behavior was not appropriate but you allowed it to happen..she needed as much guidance as the kids do...and you allowed it to happen and not cry in your beer..or here.. | |
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Posted: 5/29/2006 7:13:58 AM | That's why you call yourself.... "WORST DATE" because you are..and don't call me IDIOT>>>
HE ALLOWED HER TO GO OUT>>>>>>LEAVE HIM AND THE KIDS AND GO OUT TO DO WHATEVER SHE WANTED..instead of sitting down with her and communicating on what is going on with her???she was depressed because of hormone disfunction..she needed post partem counseling and medication and marital counseling..and instead of going that route..he was setting her FREE...
Don't call people IDIOT"S when you don't know them.....that's rude!!!! | |
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Posted: 5/29/2006 7:32:04 AM | You are doing the right thing already: reaching out to family and friends, counseling, seeing a psychiatrist (to prescribe short term medication for sleeping and depression), and talking to people with similar experiences.
Start a new job. Figure out who you are all over again. Make short and long term plans for your life. Join a gym or start up jogging. Adopt a pet. *cough* Get to know a few POF women. An Xbox and Tivo comes in handy when you have a lot of freetime. | |
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Posted: 5/29/2006 7:37:06 AM | I cannot say when your torture will end, but I just can't get past you giving up the children, she should have made it to the bus, but why give up everybody you love. | |
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Posted: 5/29/2006 7:50:48 AM |  with all the advice here about YOU- Get visitation for your kids!
Can we all just stop and think about these poor little ones that have not seen their father for a year! The pain you are going through over the loss of this woman- never will compare to the loss of your children's love!
Common dude! get to a lawyer and get on track- focus--- it is NOT your heart that you should be caring about- it is your bond with your kids- You wait longer- and you will not know them anymore- and worse yet- they wont' know you. The next one with your ex will fill your shoes quite well. Now, see the light? Forget about your pain- focus on your childrens!
Sierra | |
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Posted: 5/29/2006 7:58:34 AM | I suppose I can relate, my ex-GF from many years ago now was like that. Man, we were so in love, I have years of wonderful memories of all the things we did together, then she started drinking and having 'psychological issues', and I stuck by her side (thats what you do when you love someone) and helped her get help, and things did get better. But several months later, it ended with her cheating on me, and yes, like you I was willing to try and "work past it" if she was willing, but she wasn't.
Yeah, 4-1/2 years together, I thought about ending it too... interstingly the two things that stopped me were that I knew it would totally crush *her* with guilt, and I still loved her (and still do in some ways, and I'm sure always will) so I couldn't do that. And the other was this little almost 1y/o kitten she had brought home, Beau, who she left, who would cuddle with me and purr, and I thought "I could never do it, who would take care of him?" (and I still have him to this day, I'm going to be very sad the day he dies). And no, the pain will not just go away... but it will fade with time.
Life does go on, I've dated and had some wonderful experiences since, but you need to work on yourself and get help if you need it. I didn't date for almost 2 years after that, and I still don't think I was ready when I did, I still had 'trust' issues, although she was a wonderful woman and in many ways helped me to feel like I might actually be "desirable" to a woman (because after that breakup, I felt worthless). Don't rush yourself, but there *is* life after her, you just have to heal and be open to it.
I agree with some of the poster's here tho, do something to get at least shared custody of your kids. do it *now*. Because the longer you wait, the more the court it going to say "he hasn't wanted to have any contact with them for over a year, why should we give him contact, obviously he doesn't care." | |
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Posted: 5/29/2006 8:06:23 AM | Why are you (arealangel) even commenting on this thread? You are single you have no kids how you can you possibly offer any constructive opinion? This guy is contemplating ending his life and you tell him it's his fault, what nerve you have. The reason I may sound a little angry is that I am going through the same pain. I have been seriously contemplating ending it all and happened upon this thread but have to agree with worst date that you may be just what he is accusing you of being. I have been looking for reasons to get out of bed and maybe the anger you have just stirred in me might just be enough to wake up tommorrow, if only to uncover people like yourself. I would like to thank the rest of the posters on this thread, I don't feel so alone any more. Anger is about the only thing I've got left. I can't stand the pain either. Tell you what brother I'll hang in there if you do.
truthisee do have any info for the kitchener area? if so could you email me. | |
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Posted: 5/29/2006 8:14:31 AM | | From my own personal experience I can only suggest you get a good lawyer(ask around) but be careful. Don't get carried away with anger, it can get expensive. See a Counsellor! It was the number one best thing I did! As for when will the pain goes away, it goes when you choose for it to be gone. Also, surround yourself with friends and family that are supportive. Best wishes. | |
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Posted: 5/29/2006 8:30:08 AM | Hmmm..not sure if I should reply to this thread, but since I already started I'll give you my opinion. Firstly it has been exactly a year today (memorial day) since my ex of 18 years dumped my ass. I never knew what hit me. We came back from vacation, she left the house for 3 days and wham, it was over. Took me some time to figure things out but I did. For 15 years I was a jerk. I did my own thing, didn't give a damn what she thought and she couldn't live without me. Now I was never abusive to her physically or mentally I just did my own thing. the last 3 or for years I gave in and became a WUSS, a NICE GUY. My life evolved around her. I would die for her her. I changed jobs 4 times for her etc etc. I tried to make the relationship work harder than she did. And you know what? The harder I tried the less interested she became in me untill she finally dumped my ass and I know for a fact she was cheating on me prior.
After we broke up I felt the exact same way you did. The thought entered my head every hour of the day. I finally woke up and realized what happened. What I had become. A WUSS, A NICE GUY. Women HATE nice guys regardless of what they say. They want the bad boy, the one they fantasize about taming but know they never will. I decided to go back to my roots, started playing with bands again, dating women (made sure my ex knew about it), bought my own home, started too work out daily, always kept myself occupied. I don't give a damn what women think of me. It is irrelevant. I am well dressed, well groomed, good hygene, wear trendy clothing, have many hobbys and am always busy. My ex calls me daily now, sometimes several times a day. She wants back and I tell her "No, you'll just get in the way". I'm a jerk again and women can't get enough of it. They live in my reality and they are nothing but guests in it regardless of how hot they are. There are many many women out there my friend, don't sweat it.
I'm telling you this not to brag but to give you something to think about. What women say they want and what they really want are 2 different things. You have to read between the lines. It takes time and lots of practice but in the end you WILL come out the winner. Here are my suggestions....start working out a lot (this actually works in reducing stress), get back in the swing of things, look good, smell nice, stay well groomed, have nice hygiene, get some trendy colognes and use them, and take up hobbys to occupy yourself with. And stop being a NICE guy and a WUSS. Reframe your being and everything will work itself out....trust me on this. As far as your kids go, well I have no experience in that, I don't want kids, never have and never will, I do suggest that you get yourself the best lawyer you can afford and fight for them. Kids always come out at the losing end in these situations.
You are not alone, you just have to learn how to live again is all. Best of luck! | |
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Posted: 5/29/2006 8:51:41 AM | | Oh and one more thing , arealangel, that is the most ridiculous post I've read here yet. This guy is contemplating suicide and you tell him it's partially his fualt?????? What are you nuts? What you need is a good spanking ....from me !!!!! | |
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Posted: 5/29/2006 9:02:55 AM | Hi...you basically told my story...yep...been there ...done that. But the good news is that you are on the right path. Go and talk about it join a group. It all takes time. If you miss your kids, find a way to see them. You need to reconnect with yourself and them and create a new "normal" when you are with them. This is the hardest part but ...it can be done. Soon enough you will see how happy you are as an individual with out all the drama of living with a woman who is suffering with some form of substance abuse/depression. Life can be good again...you can be happy again..just remember you were happy before you met her and you can be again. The groups will teach you and empower you to gain control of your emotions and become stronger...Dont ever loose hope though..you HAVE to believe that these feelings are only temporary and you have to go through it before you get out of it.
***Hope I helped*** | |
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Posted: 5/29/2006 9:06:56 AM | I see some confusion here, as far as visitation with the children. I see my children almost every weekend, sometimes I miss one because of work, but I make it up to see them as often as possible. It's not like i'm not making an effort to be a part of their lives. They live 500 miles away, but that drive is short when i know that my kids are waiting at the end of it. coming back sucks though.....
There is a whole new situation now, I just spent the weekend with the kids and found a few things out. First, she has not told her parents anything. It's not my place to inform her parents, and so I haven't, but I thought that she had so I let a few things slip on mistake, I swear.
Her routine, now, is to drop the children off at daycare and go to school. After school, she picks up the kids, drops them off with grandparents, and then dissappears for the evening "studying" and doesn't come home until the next morning to take the kids to daycare.
Her PARENTS told me that the kids need to go with me, that I would be the best parent for them right now. I then made another mistake, and asked her, if I could take the kids until she straightened up. She refused. Her reason, "It will hurt too much to see them leave" She AGREES that I would be the better parent, but it will hurt her too much to see them leave.
I move back to my hometown in 3 weeks, I have an apartment set up, I have the truck, I have a job waiting, and a whole group of family and friends waiting with banners. I would LOVE to get out of that moving truck with my children, but she won't let me take them. So what do I do? Truthisee is right, statistically I only have a 2 percent chance of obtaining my children through the courts......
It looks clean cut, but stories and opinion change when they sit in a courtroom, and a judge doesn't know me from Harry, doesn't know the situation, just knows where the kids are at now, and looks at how much disruption will occur in their lives by uprooting them again. I made a mistake by letting her take them with her, but I had no choice. I couldn't do it with them here. Anyone from the DC area will let you know that if you don't make 80k a year or more, you can't support a family by yourself....... | |
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Posted: 5/29/2006 9:16:39 AM | | nicodomeus... my first thought was why on earth would you put the kids on the bus with that woman if she were such a threat to herself and then i read the rest of the thread and see that other's picked up on that bit of info. you should have NEVER put your kids on that bus with her and you now have a moral obligation to get them back. you don't get to have kids and abandon them when life gets tough, they depend on YOU, their father, to protect them and raise them the best you can. abandoning them was not acceptable. it's time you fix that mistake. | |
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Posted: 5/29/2006 9:18:47 AM | | Worstdate, didn't make myself clear enough I guess. Yes I am nice, I open doors for women, walk on the outside of the curb, pull chairs out for them, I am polite etc etc. What I don't do is hold purses, let them make decisions for me, don't take any shit from them, I hate flakes and let it known up front that I do, I buy them flowers on my terms, not theirs, etc etc. We just have different takes on what a nice guy is I guess, which is ok, doesn't make either of us wrong. | |
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Posted: 5/29/2006 9:27:26 AM | I guess I was just being naive. I love this woman, I've seen what kind of mother she could be, and honestly, she was, in the beginning, a far better parent than I could ever be. I can't even put my daughters hair up in a pony-tail for Christ's sake.
It was also not set up to be permanent, just to take a breath, let some pain heal, and then try again. I have no family or friends in this area, we moved for the money, and she had her folks there that could help her with the kids until we could work things out.
I was stupid, I know. I didn't, and still don't, want to look at her and think that she is capable of destroying our children, but the proof is there now. I need to remove my children from that household and take them home with me. But I can't just pick them up and leave, she won't let them go.....
This I think will become a battle, and at the end of it, her whole family will be destroyed. I love and respect all of them, and don't want to see that happen.... | |
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