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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 2/15/2007 3:27:37 PM | | I didnt bother reading any elses reply,BUT what would taking care of family have to do with a relationship???(If there the opposite sex) has a problem,you need to say to them family comes first...NO DOUBT..just my thought | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 2/17/2007 11:02:28 AM | there are many aspects to "life" that are not storybook and do not offer fantasy solutions. if you are meeting someone new and that is all s/he he talks about, especially online, then it might be difficult to join the conversation. i would suggest that if it consumes your life, that you join a support group where others are on the same page. if you can lead a balanced life, and are rejected then that is her or his problem.
i know a man whose mom has alzhemier's and who has moved in to mind her. his brother also helps, as well as the "ex" husband. she's very feisty, attends his men's group (!) and he has a wonderful woman in his life. he does have a life though. the mom is difficult, so they finally got some help with a 24 hour aide. this man has to work, but still a large amount of time is spent on the mom and the girlfriend cannot have him 24/7, but she also has a life.
having someone dying a slow or difficult death is time consuming. so, i would imagine if you were single, you would have to rely on the people already in your life to be there for you. that is why we should all have balanced lives before disaster strikes and when it does (because it will in some way or another), just do it "one day at a time"! life does not give you what you cannot handle. we are in our bodies to learn lessons and sadly, this is one of them.
now that you are alone again, i hope that you feel blessed to have assisted her with her departure. it is a gift to both people as to it's lessons, but agonizingly painful to lose someone you love. if no one comes on your scene right away after a loss, then i also suggest support groups. when i have been down and out in the past, people did not climb through my windows to see me. i had to go out and confront the world and in so doing, some surprising and amazing events did follow.  | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 2/26/2007 3:55:36 PM | Me AGain
What better way to say thank you to our parents then to help them when they need us? I moved 600 miles and gave up a long term relationship to help my dad. He wasn't the best person, and believe me, he was a difficult taskmaster, and made me cry more than I will ever admit to anyone-In a word he was a **stard most of his life. But his childhood was screwed up too. I'm sure my childhood was no more bizarre and dysfunctional as everyone else out there. BUT, when it all comes around I helped him and he finally said he loved me.
Would I date someone who was taking care of his parent? YOu bet I would. I wouldn't think twice about it. And I would help out in any I could. Again, just me trying to keep my Karma at it's best! Robin | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 2/26/2007 4:15:07 PM | | I was truly blessed to have two wonderful parents. I lost my dad over ten years ago, but one time while driving him home from a doctor's appointment, he told me "When I'm not around anymore, I want you to take care of mom". And that's what I'm doing. When we are kids, our parents take care of us, but when they get old, then the rolls reverse. I think it's sad that someone won't date a person who takes care of an elderly parent. They should think about when THEY get old. Who is going to take care of them? Puts a whole new perspective on things. | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/2/2007 5:30:25 AM | YES in all capital letters! I was one of those also blessed with 2 wonderful parents and am only child. My mother had liver cancer in 94 and passed in less than a month. My father was about month later told he had spinal cancer. I took care of both of them prior to death and was with each at their passing. To be honest, I was privilidged to have been able to have those last days and conversations with both of them. My x and I seperated during the illness of my mother,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, he simply couldn't handle it, I also had 2 children, as well.
Personally, it takes a strong person to be caregiver both emotionally and physically. It shows the true character of the person, imo.
Life is full of twists and turns, life and death -------- and is ooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so short. To me family must come first. The balancing act is difficult, speaking from experience, but in all truthfulness, I feel blessed to have been given the opportunity to have been able to care for each of my parents.
To those of you who would not date someone in that position, perhaps you should take a 2nd look at your perspective. Blessings to all | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/3/2007 10:33:32 AM | Krekker50 said:
I took care of my mother and the women I talked to online when they found out they just stoped talking to me. What are your thoughts on this?
I hear you and I feel you.
I am taking personally care of my 82 yr old mother for the past 18 months, with some assistance from 2-3 part time helpers, at home. I have not much time to go out because I am redoing the household from scratch too.
Not only do I get a "red card" by online contacts, but in addition both my mother's/family's and my own friends cannot be bothered to visit her or me at home. They would all rather go out in cafes and pubs. And since I cannot do that, we are mostly alone. She watches TV and I post of POF Forums (lol). Some friends and relatives, on the phone, have told me that I am either a hero or a fool and that I sacrificisng my life for her. Nobody is around to help except the paid help. Nobody comes around for a visit and we live in a big city and the place is not too close for comfort.
It stinks but it has helped my realize a thing or two about society and its driving forces!
To top it off, I am stuck in a country which is not where my best job ops are.
Am I complaining? No! I am doing my duty. Things could be worse!
I am not in a position to go out on dates, no time, yet. But even friends not visiting, that sux big. At least now I know I had no real friends, in this country, and that is good, because it has propelled me to look for new ones, ones who are not into cafes/bars or into "traditional" dating. How long will I have to take care of my mother. Indefinately. I am her only able relative.
Thus, I hear you! | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/3/2007 11:55:14 AM |
Some friends and relatives, on the phone, have told me that I am either a hero or a fool and that I sacrificisng my life for her. Nobody is around to help except the paid help
I hear you there I am in the same boat. While I do have my own place and work a demanding schedule my free time is spent taking care of my elderly parents as well. Not that I am able to spend much time at my place. In fact right now it is just more money going out. The only good thing about it is that my place is paid off.
To top it off, I am stuck in a country which is not where my best job ops are.
Am I complaining? No! I am doing my duty. Things could be worse!
I love my area of the country and it is rural but that just means all the best paying jobs are all out of the area. Complain ? No !!! I would rather be making sure that my parents are taken care of then be 1000 miles away eaten up with worry.
How long will I have to do this ? Till the end the is no other way.
So a lot of us are in the same boat. Not that it makes it any easier to deal with. Friends ? Well like you I quickly learned that what I thought were friends were merely acquaintances.
It certainly opens up your eyes to peoples true character, or lack thereof. | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/3/2007 6:39:00 PM | My family is first in my life...
I have someone who needs me more than I ever thought they would. She used to hold my
hand as a child and I felt comfort in her love and strength.
And now I'm able to return that love and strength as she depends on me to hold her hand.
Time takes it's toll on all of us...and caring for an elderly parent is commendable and I
dutifully,proudly accept the responsibility. Irregardless as to whether or not that
would make me good dating material.
Would I date someone in my position? Certainly not.
In relationships you have to "Take the time, to take the time".
And I already know the sacrifices that have to be made.
Skunk | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/4/2007 12:22:09 AM | "Would I date someone in my position? Certainly not"
Well, I would. Why not? But I would not expect them to "go out" as much as I would otherwise!
Unless one implies that by dating one looks for eventual marriage and that for one to have a commitment to an elderly relative means less "commitment" to one's date or willingness to make ONE more commitment. It goes back to what some women and men mean by commitment by their other half. In some cases, it means breaking away not only from parents and other relatives but also from friends. It is called "Monopoly", is it not? | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/5/2007 7:19:52 PM | Nick, and others caring for or who cared for elderly parents etc. Kudos to you all!
My dad died a couple of years ago, and being a registered nruse practitioner and having cut back to 2 days work a week, I cared for him for 18 months 5 days a week, and worked 2. But the community (rural) kept us fed, helped out, took mom to dr's appointments, etc. so besides the little bit of help from hospice for dad (an aid a few hours a week) and a paid housekeeper (12 hrs a week) I did most of it and the getting up at night, plus the medical end. But It was my priviledge. He died at home in dignity. He was my "step" dad, married my mom when I was threee, but he was my DADDYand loved me and he didn't have to. So I feel blessed to have been there for him.
My mom is getting a little confused right now, and she isn't happy with me (organic brain syndrome, not "her") and fortunately I am able too get a live in companion/caregiver to stay with her, but still supervise things closely. It is difficult to become your parent's parent, especially if they become combative or angry.
Rather than be put off by a "caregiver" I would be quite impressed with their value system. Sometimes the parent becomes so combative or ill that it is impossible to care for them at home or alone, but "doing the best you can for as long as you can" is a sign to me of a worthwhile person. | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/6/2007 8:14:06 AM | "is a sign to me of a worthwhile person"
Well, then, I guess not many wish to date a worthwhile person while this person is doing his/her duty to his/her parent(s). I am talking from experience, not ideology.
Words are words. And I have heard many of those. If I had a USD for each one of them, then I could buy ... California!
I am afraid that society these days, so scared of death, thinks that old people symbolize - TO SOME - mortality and they keep away from them as much as they can "not to be depressed". Shameful!
On the contrary, - TO THE SAME SOME - babies symbolize life! Is this true and is it part of glamorization of "youth" and "beauty" dynamic?
PS. I personally take care of my mom 7/7 but I have some assistance 21 hrs per week. | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/6/2007 8:17:03 AM | Nick I think the thing that we have to remeber is that many of them do not wish to comprimise on the amount of time that they spend with a person. Quanity versus quality.
For me the quality will win out everytime, in that like so many other things I guess I am in the minority. | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/6/2007 8:25:41 AM | | My mom lives in her own home on the same property i live on, she is "going down hill on a bob sled" right now I have a live-in caregiver/companion with her but I over see her care. I was fortunate to find someone who badly needed a home at the time she needed a companion so it is helping both of them. He gets room and board and a small cash payment and takes wonderful care of her. But that may change at any time for me. I am fortunate that at this point it is not 24/7 bvut could be. | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/7/2007 1:11:43 PM | | If people have a problem with this, they need to stop and remember who took care of them when they were a child. And would they want to be alone in their old age? I don't have kids so I don't know what I'm going to do when I get a lot older, hopefully I'll have excellent neighbors because my own family of brothers and sister, neices, nephews don't give a hoot about anything but their own lives. When I went through a painful divorce my parnets were there for me, they were the only ones there for me! They have become my best friends and we help each other out, and I will be there for them no matter what! | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/7/2007 1:39:26 PM | It's painful of course. However, after years of making money, looking forward to retirement I ask myself do I want to accrue that kind of person who has so much devotion to others that it disenables her, depletes the relationship. As for sacrifice I've sacrificed my whole life. Now is the time for freedom. Not more baggage by someone else's responsibility. It's time for retirement.
When I planned for retirement I didn't plan for a partner with such huge burdens she can't honor commitments to a relationship. She's torn between a new life and carrying another burden.
Sometimes it takes courage to disengage from parenting, grandparenting. Take time for yourself. You've earned it. Okay for others. But not everyone.
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/7/2007 3:25:47 PM | So napjoe when your parents need help are you just going to give them the old heave ho ?
Not everyone feels the way you do. Many of us would prefer to make our parents lives worth living, rather then have them stuck in a nursing home hoping that someone will come visit them once a month. | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/7/2007 3:52:02 PM | It is 1 am where I am. Just gave my mother a snack (food not junk-food) and her night meds (7 different ones), got a snack myself (or rather, I should say, my "dinner") and now I have sat down to read the recent posts in this most interesting thread.
First of all my warmest greetings and utmost respect to all people who are or have taken care of a relative in need. Doing what you are doing or did, especially in a society like the US society today, qualifies you, in my view as "heroes". I am not in the US, but I am a doing is also rare, but not as rare as in the US. Kudos to DRG and all of you in North America, thus!
Some comments on some of the above posts:
1) The OP is: Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
It talks of "dating". It does not say "would you marry", "live together', "become FWBs", etc, etc. "Dating can lead to many things, later". "Dating with the intent (lol) to marry or
find/"secure" an SO" could be one of many "dating" reasons. Or not.
Thus the "dating" word leaves the topic a tad vague and open to posts from people with different things in mind, as some previous posts show!
2) A poster mentioned "abusive parents" cases. I hear, but stlll parents, especially the mother, did GIVE their child, 9 months of co-existence (in the womb). How does one forego the "debt" for such "service" (if one wants to even be Cost and Benefit, or "what have you done for me lately" oriented. It was not lately, but every parent, especialy mother, gave a lot to her kids. THAT IS A DEBT.
3) I agree with the poster who said that he could not live with himself (due to guilt) if he did not do what he is doing. ME TOO. It has to do with HONOR, DUTY and SELF RESPECT - or an active consciousness.
A lot of people, especially women mention/employ the notion of "self respect", usually when it comes to sex.
Self respect does not mean, mind you, egocentrism or "me only". It often means sacrifice, like soldiers at war doing their duty for their country, or for humanity, not maximizing their "me" benefits or enjoying it. Would someone call it "quilt avoidance and hence a purely "for me" choice? Maybe, in extremis, someone could, but I won't.
4) Does it take "courage" to opt for self preservation with guilt (eg "disengage from parenting, grandparenting" etc) than self sacrifice with self respect and honor? Is courage the appropriate word for it, I ask! And I am only implying a certain answer (ie it is an open question).
5) In (modern) Greek there is a saying: "A bachelor lives like a king and dies like a dog, the married/family man lives like a dog and dies like a king".
I think that parents DESERVE to live their old age and die "like kings", ie surrounded and supported by their children (and spouse, if available at that stage in life).
I am a "Bachelor" type (i.e. it means I would not mind to die like a dog, alone, when I am old, actually I have thought long and hard about this in previous years and I decided then that dying alone would be - even - best because I would not impose huge emotional and other burdens on loved ones (kids, SO, etc)), but I am a bachelor with parents. It is like a single mom (cause I have no bros or sises to share the duty), and I feel like one. They have all my respect too.
Would I date one (a single mom)? Of course I would.
Date, not marry or LTR.
Date, because both of us, I think, would cherish these moments together, before each went back home to carry on the "duty" at hand. Because the duty is mine to bear and mine alone, I am not looking for one to share it with me, that would not be fair.
These thoughts for now.
Greetings to all from SE Europe, where - at least- the weather is the same in Celcious as it is in much of NA in Farenheit (lol)!
So: Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Of course I would, same as for single moms. DATE and share quality time together with a person who knows quite well what "quality time" means (due to the duties at hand, children or relative care)!
PS. I am actually at present at least not looking for somene to date. I am looking for "discussion friends" with shared interests. That is quality time too.
<img src=http://www.plentyoffish.com/smiles/icon_201.gif border=0> | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:41:49 AM | Actually, I only like to date women that are taking care of a younger parent. The trouble is, I'm having a hard time finding any of those.
In the over 45 section you should expect to run into only three kinds of people. Those taking care of a parent(s), those that have buried their parents, or those that at some point in the future will be taking care of their parent(s).
Thinking about it, I guess there is a fourth category, those that let others take care of an elder parent. And no matter what I say about that category it will be wrong. | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/9/2007 10:23:09 AM | There are also parents who are mental independant even if they need help physically. Neither of my parents would ever be dependant on living with another person. Their choice. This presents a different set of problems. You try to help out, but the only help they will accept is running errends. It leaves the adult child worrying about their parents, but unable to change the desire to be independant long after independance isn't a good idea.
My parents have both passed on, but they did it their way. | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/9/2007 1:12:22 PM | Kidshellene--that is why they called us the "sandwich" generation--many of us are still taking care of our kids and our parents too! Though since I am a bit over 45, the sandwich is thinner because my kids are grown, but still feel the crunch!
By the way, Cat Balou was my favorite movie in the entire world! Must have seen it 1,000 times Cat is my heroine! | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 3/13/2007 6:56:49 PM | I dated a guy and broke up with him, but still liked his parents. He appealed to me for help when he was hospitalised and I moved into the parents house to look after them for him. It was 18 months later that I moved out. The Mum was given 6 months to live and died in 5 months. Then the Dad worsened,he had dementia and heart problems and we had home care in right from the start as I worked half days . Then in the midst of all of this, I quit my job went back to school and got a new career. I had also walked out on my 26 yr marriage the year before too. It was a struggle and they were not even my parents but I loved them very much and was priviledged to be with them in their final days. I would not hesitate to do it all over again.
Friends said I was crazy and that the ex b/f was using me to look after his folks. But you know when an elderly 86 yr old woman says to you, Sandra don't ever leave me, I love you so much. You are like a daughter to me. - you do whatever you can to make her last days happy ones. The last words I said to "Pop" were I love you Pop. and he replied I love you too. See you later. He died 2 days later so those were my final thoughts with him of love and caring.
I kept in touch for about 6 months after Pop died. Once the ex b/f was ok, he fell in love with a home care worker that had been to the house and he married her. But I can sleep nights knowing I did my best.
My own Mum died at 49 years ago when I was 23 and I was not living nearby so my 2 younger sisters bore the brunt of everything as did my Dad. Dad has remarried and he and his wife have plans in place for when they get too ill and infirm etc. They refuse to be any burden to us family members. Mind you Dad has had his run ins with the Health System as he has gotten older - I think he just likes to keep us all hopping!!!!
Hugs. Sally. | |
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