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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 10/2/2007 11:39:04 AM | Krekker is a very fine man that I knew from forums in another site. It was very noble of him to care for his mom in her last days. As much as I respect that, after myself having given a lifetime to caring for family members, I would snap if I had to deal w/ another situation like that. So while I admire someone in that situation, having been there myself, it is now time for me, & I would want to date someone in a similar situation.
Sometimes we think we know a person, but if we really knew them, we'd be quite shocked. | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 10/2/2007 12:16:43 PM | Short answer. ..yes, I would
Long answer:
I took care of my grandmother (who raised me) until the day she died. The last 2 years of her life were hard for both of us because she started needing round the clock care. I was also going to school and working part-time as well. The amount of stress I was under when she bacame terminal is almost beyond comprehension. I didn't even try to foster a relationship during that time because there was no way I felt like I could devote any time for anyone else. It would take an exceptional person to understand what the caregiver is having to deal with because of the physical and emotional strain they are under.
If the women you talked to online stopped communicating with you because of this, I think you might be better off. It doesn't mean that they are bad people, but they might have problems "sharing" you even though it is a family member you are taking care of. I don't know what your mother's health situation is, but there are plenty of online support groups that are available now for those times when you just need a friendly ear. I strongly urge you to check one of them out, but I'd also be real up front with anyone from POF that you are a caregiver so that they could understand that you have responsibilities that you must attend to. | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 10/2/2007 12:18:10 PM | I am a home health care giver. I have seen family members take care of there parents. It is not always easy, stressful and time comsuming for some also. Anyone who helps a family member has a thumbs up. I also feel one would be a very loving person to do that.
Yes, I would date a person who was taking care of there parent(s), that would not be the issue.
Good for you that you helped your Mom. | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 10/2/2007 2:12:48 PM | I come from a traditional native community.
You are basically frowned on if you DON'T take care of the elders.
I grew up around multi generational families.
My mother and myself took care of my grandmother for almost a decade. Then my Aunt took over and help.
My oldest child has resigned herself to the fact that she will inherit my mother. | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 10/2/2007 2:34:50 PM | Yes, I WOULD date someone that is taking care of an elder.....and I WOULD NOT date someone who had no care or consideration for their elderly parent, because, to me, that speaks volumnes to their character (or lack of good character!)
CHARACTER COUNTS! | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 10/7/2007 9:40:40 PM | yes,, I would.,,, You know life is full for everyone,, full of all kinds of things..different things take more time then others, some are stressful with rewards that make it all worth while.. I take care of an uncle who never had children.. I moved back here to kansas to do just that..I also took care of his sister who never had children, until she passed away earlier this year.. I also go to school (finishing up my nursing) and work in a retirement village.. I see people everyday who have their basic needs all taken care of .. they "need" for nothing,, but they "want" and "long for" love.. just acceptance,, just someone to listen and smile at them.. You give 5-10 minutes to them and you have given them a memory that will help them make it one more day.. I see people who have family and friends visit often,, and I see people who have no one..not on birthdays, not at christmas,, they sit and watch others come and go with family and You can see it in their eyes.. they want so much to belong,, they live in the memories of years past,, tell you the same stories over and over again,,and are so glad that you listen. If that is what it takes,, then God help me be there for them..even if just for a moment..  | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 10/8/2007 6:51:33 PM | I'll add my testimony to this thread. Three years ago, my mother suffered a stroke as a result of Hurricane Charley. Both my father and her were up in age at the time. My father was growing very tired and in need of medical attention himself. Being the only sibling who was in the position to take on the task with nursing experience under my belt, I decided to pack up my entire life and move from Ohio down to Florida. During the time that I helped dad take care of my mother, there was very little time to devote properly to a relationship for myself. So for the past three years, I lead a very lonely life. She finally passed away in April, and my time is now a bit more freed up. However, my father is now in my charge. He can pretty much take care of himself, but needs my companionship.
I just signed on here a month ago to start making new acquaintances. I don't think that it would have been fair to anyone if I had signed on while my mother was in my care. I think a lot of it depends on the extent of care the elder needs. If you are doing full time, round the clock like I was, then it would be best to pull your profile until your circumstances change.
As it stands now, my freedoms are limited, but I can still date. If any of my contacts have a problem with my current situation, then it sends a red flag letting me know that person isn't the one for me as well. | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 10/8/2007 7:03:47 PM | | I moved 700 miles, lost my home, lost my husband, (but luckily I was able to transfer within my company) the day I found out my dad was on life support. 3 months later he was able to return home and I helped care for him along with my mother. I would not have changed anything for the time I was able to spend with him. Yesterday was the anniversay of his death and I miss him everyday. If I found out a man I was interested in would not do the same or would hold it against me for taking care of a parent.....he would be gone. | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 11/5/2007 11:38:27 PM | | I take care of my mother and father and live with them. My father is worse off then my mother. I take them to the doctors do the shopping, washing, and sometimes cook and clean. I have been trying to get on disability for almost 3 yrs now cause I have cronic back pain, Arthritis and bone spur's in my spin and legs, I have a hafe sister that is no help at all the only time she comes around is if she needs or wants something. I have found it is hard dating or have a LTR with everything that I do. It seems the women I have dated that I have been doing this don't want to put the time in to get to know the real me, All they see is that I take care of them and I guess they think I don't have time for them, I do have my fair share of free time. At this point I think I need to be here for them cause there have been there for me when I needed them in my life. I don't have kids so I don't know who I would turn to when I get older sure can't count on my sister, Maybe I will fine the right woman, who will be there when that day come's, hopefully that's going to be many yrs down the road. | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 11/6/2007 2:53:51 AM | Any woman who has an issue with this is shallow and not worth your time. The work I do is taking care of the elderly, and frankly you should be commended for taking care of your mother. Too many people leave their parents high and dry in nursing homes, only visiting at Christmas, some not even that often.
These are the people that gave of themselves to raise us as children and give us a start in life. We owe them at least that much.
You will find someone who will appreciate what you do for Mom, don't give up hope. | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 11/6/2007 6:00:38 AM | Chocolate, I agree.........I would definately date someone who showed respect and care for their elderly parents and I would NOT date a man who didn't. I WISH my mother and father had lived so I could take care of them. My mother was only 58 when she passed away suddenly so although I know it's hard sometimes to deal with an elderly parent (I have a friend and her husband now who are struggling with her aging mother), they struggled to raise us when we were kids!
This is why I say looks is low on my list of must haves. Character, value, a sense of humor and fun.........MUCH more important!!! | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 11/6/2007 6:14:32 PM | I definitely would date someone who is caring for an elderly parent. You know the elderly are the dearest people in the whole world. One touch, one hug, one hour of reading to them, or taking them out and they are so grateful. The stories they have and the lessons they have learned are invaluable.
I volunteer at a Facility for the Elderly...they all have some form of dementia...some days I am the wife, the daughter...or the friend...but I am there. People who look after these wonderful people...well they are the best type of person you want to find. | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 11/7/2007 10:33:29 AM | I have seen identifying that you take care of children, an elderly parent, or patient for that matter is often the "Kiss Off" in the dateing world that seems to have an phobia of "baggage" of any sort. But I don't always go along with most of the poster's that say "Good riddence to bad rubbish".
Being a caregiver I have seen all types of caregivers and know my own failings.
Does it make us nobel? Nope. Sometimes it is easy to lean towards sounding self righteous when day after day what you do goes unpaid, undervalued by society, and resented by those who see us as weak oportunists rather than caregivers so defensiveness creeps in but we are doing a job we wanted and could so what is nobel about it? Certainly no more than going to work every day and handing your paycheck over to support a family for 10, 20 , 30 years and getting the ditch so the spouse can go be the Heroic son or daughter and abandon the promises made to be a spouse when it was suppose to be their turn. I have seen caregiver's punish provider spouses for leaveing them to feel un-needed for years when suddenly the opportunity comes up with a parent and forget they have enjoyed being home maker and Mom. Often the time they spent as caregivers now where balanced the time that they were being a pampered spouse. They just got bored and found and out. Or their parents finally pulled them off the couch with guilt, cash, or sad to say availability of booze or drugs in their "medicine" cabinets.
How often do we think we are superior because Mom and or Dad chose us over the "other" sibling or relative. Sadly parents don't always pick their caregivers on their skills but what they see is their lack of them to do anything else or as a payback for past due debts. Those needing care will pick the most easily dominated, desperate, or bored caregiver available especially if they are cheap. I have seen parents "Excuse" siblings that were the invested child/pride and joy/status child and wear out another so that the former justifys them as sucessful parents. Sometimes the incoming fish has swam in that river of denial and doesn't want to play into the abuse yet again for you. Admitting you were duped, guilted, abused into caregiving is a bitter self analysis that many adults won't make.
Do we profess to be availble and then ultimately only offer tiny off hour windows to nurture a relationship. How credible are statements that" I am going to enjoy a date with you" if you get there late, are constantly talking about "the Patient", are checking in constantly, smell like Bengay or worse, and leave early because you don't want to pay all night for not getting home in time to give the Patient their Good Nite routine. More and more people want more than being a temporary diversion to a caregiver-0-holic. More and more people don't see being placed as a low prioity or waiting in the wings to become the next object of care as terribly desireable. Who is really being selfish to ask another to wait to have a "life". When caregiving can and does often go into a 5, 10, or even 20 year gig that is a serious package deal. One I think people have a right to pause over. Especially if they see markers of where you are exhausted, broke, depressed, blameing, and dishonest with yourself about what you are asking.
Being a caregiver partner often doesn't fit in financial goals. When modern medicine can keep care recipients alive but make it financial suicide to who ever is involved is it fair for a potential partner to want to pick up the tab? If you are a long term caregiver you are NOT accrueing retirement, seniority, employment perks, or even protection from the state or siblings for your parents assests that is what they are doing if they take you own. Also how is it fair to ask a significant other to maintain a home so the state can get it. But if you have a LTR with a caregiver that is often exactly how it works out. Do we have the right to ask a potential spouse to carry us and the person we choose to carry. The effect is not just while the care recipient is here and now. The whole my parents are "My responsibility" takes on a whole knew meaning in the harsh light of reality.
Not saying all will but I have seen partners drive the wheels off their cars, pass up career promotions, raise kids, and spend years waiting in the wings to get ditched when the spouse inherited the parents home. The Caregiver decided they had done their time and didn't want to nurse a spouse. Sold the parents home. collected half the value of the spouses home, and run off with a nurse or some entirely new third party.
Makes people really nervouse and sometimes a red flag is all they need to move on to the next profile or another first date. I have thought a lot about how I present my ability to balance when I present my responsibilities. Sometimes being a caregiver is something you want to reveal after you have had the chance to show who you are as a person and what you are offering a potential date or partner. Actions always speak louder than words. Going on a couple dates, having fun , showing you will not ONLY or FIRST be a caregiver is probably going to up your chances at meeting someone who just might be a caregiver too but a PERSON first. | |
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MzFish
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Joined: 11/1/2007
Msg: 144 | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 11/7/2007 11:00:18 AM | | Im not slamming ya ..but I would have more trouble with the long hair. I not only would not have a problem dating someone caring for their parent, I would help. We could spend time together while doing something very worthwhile. | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 11/7/2007 11:01:41 AM | | Im not slamming ya ..but I would have more trouble with the long hair. I not only would not have a problem dating someone caring for their parent, I would help. We could spend time together while doing something very worthwhile. | |
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cl0921
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Joined: 6/22/2007
Msg: 147 | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 11/8/2007 8:10:34 AM | I'm doing it now, both my parents have had strokes and need care. They had a caregiver, but she tried to take out $98,000 from their savings.
The hardest part for me is that I was my wife's caregiver for over 10 years before she died in Feb 2007- 9 months ago.
I had 2 women drop me off favorites after I became a full time caregiver' | |
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| Would you date someone that is taking care of a elder parent?
Posted: 11/8/2007 8:20:46 AM | | Lighthouse, that stinks...........but it's better to find out now that someone can't deal with the serious problems in life that come up for all of us then to find out five years from now........... I hope you find someone who will appreciate that you are a keeper! | |
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Its called the CIRCLE OF LIFE I take my hat off to anyone with such a kind heart.