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| The things you DON'T miss about a relationship
Posted: 4/21/2008 5:24:09 AM | | after reading all of these posts.....................this is why FWB relationships work the best. No pressure and we live our seperate lives, we don't get on each others nerves, etc.etc...................... | |
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| The things you DON'T miss about a relationship
Posted: 4/21/2008 8:13:28 AM | | Ummmm, I'd say the best thing is not having to deal with the insane jealousy of another person. If I go somewhere without you, whether it be to a bar with friends or the supermarket, the first thing you say to me when we talk shouldnt be, "So did you talk to any girls????" | |
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| The things you DON'T miss about a relationship
Posted: 4/21/2008 9:16:11 AM | | Don't miss...urine splatter all over the seat and floor. Snoring. Lack of bed space. The mess he leaves behind. The not arriving on time. Mood swings. The complaining of not having enough money. Dealing with the drama of his kids.The negative comments about what movies I like. If he's upset with me, he'd rather stay in another room instead of telling me what's wrong. | |
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| The things you DON'T miss about a relationship
Posted: 4/21/2008 9:59:58 AM | I don't miss:
Having to pay for everything - food, pets, rent, electricity, his art supplies, etc
Being called rather cruel names
Being forced to have sex
Reading his poor writing
Someone -always- being there
Coming home to a mess
Being needed/clingy behaviour | |
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| The things you DON'T miss about a relationship
Posted: 4/21/2008 10:11:46 AM | what I don't miss about a relationship is:
A) the lies.
B) the cheating.
C) the manipulation.
D) the guilt trips.
E) the having to walk on eggs shells just so you wont accidently say or do something that might hurt thier feelings or offend them.
F) the worries about this an about that,when it comes to them an thier welfare or what may or may not be going on with them in thier life good or bad.worrying about the relationship it's self..
G) an last but not least "the breakup" it always starts with "we need to talk".or uhhh ya know i just don't think this is,,, an you know the rest of the line..
but truthfully everything i just said you can end up going through most of all thoses regardless wether or not your in a relationship..it's called "life"
BUT to flip it around there are also a lot of things i do miss about a relationship..it's always nice to have the company of somebody you care about,, plus on friday an saturday night you always have a date,, an no more cold pillows or beds theres always a nice warm body laying besides you in the middle of the night... | |
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| The things you DON'T miss about a relationship
Posted: 4/21/2008 11:16:10 AM |
after reading all of these posts.....................this is why FWB relationships work the best. No pressure and we live our seperate lives, we don't get on each others nerves, etc.etc......................
Actually, FWB's can be even worse than "real" relationships, especially if one person in the equation gets too attached.
As for me, I don't miss
-the fights
-the constant reassurance that I'm faithful
-the inability to go out by myself without 500 questions being tossed my way--why am I going out alone, am I meeting up with anyone, where will I be, what time will I be back, etc.
-having to babysit him when he's had too much to drink
-the panic attacks
-the financial struggles
-the pet names
-the inability to focus on anything else but him
-the cigarette habit I picked up
-having to be around the same person seven days a week
-lack of personal space or time
-invasion of privacy | |
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| The things you DON'T miss about a relationship
Posted: 4/21/2008 12:59:08 PM | We are a complaining lot, ok just me then.Things I miss, got to have a positive,
1--Love making----drool--celibate too long
2-laughing together
3-Teasing him
4-Cooking for him
5-Hugging /cuddling/kissing
6-Bathing/ shaving him/ washing his hair/ what can I say I like it.
7- Walking/ going out for meals/dancing
I miss being in a relationship now, dang. we say all the negatives to make ourselves feel better, no one likes being alone, it sucks. But you need to be able to be alone, to make a good partner, to be emotionally independent and strong.Arggh I am becoming needy and clingy, a shock, horror, hysterical woman. Helpppp | |
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| The things you DON'T miss about a relationship
Posted: 4/21/2008 6:30:36 PM | I do not miss waking up in the morning with my shoulder smelling like BO cause he had his smelly arm pit on it all night long.
I dont miss the cheating, although the sex was much better when he was (although much better is not saying a lot)
I dont miss being told no we cant have sex for like the 30th night in a row (so much more sex now that single, different guy in case you wondered)
I dont miss having to apoligize for my kids being kids and comfortable in their own house, he wants to watch sci fi do it at his house.
I dont miss not getting a vday present, at least now i have a reason for not getting one.
I dont miss the ex mother in law, or the at one time future ex mother in law. | |
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| The things you DON'T miss about a relationship
Posted: 4/22/2008 1:48:29 PM | Relationships . . . . Spring is in the air . . . .
Relationships are like dogs.
Hear me out. There are millions of dogs in the world, but in the minds of some people, only some dogs that matter. Just talk to the American Kennel Club. According to the AKC, for a dog to matter, the dog must be an outstanding representative of its breed.
Which makes sense until you think about it a bit, and then it doesn’t. Most “breeds” are recent creations. Not so very long ago, there were only a handful of recognized breeds, and now there are hundreds. Someone crossed something with something with something with something and came up with something which they called a Papillon. And when there were enough Papillons in the world, the breed was submitted to the AKC and acknowledged. And now, certain dogs are judged on how well their phenotype aligns with a theoretical concept of a Papillon. Or not. It’s all pretty Platonic when you think about it, no? Is there actually a Papillon out there to which these dogs are compared? And this, of course, leaves my own dear faithful companion in the lurch. He’s no breed in particular. But he’s definitely dog. And a great dog. One of the best I’ve known.
And that has to do what with relationships exactly?
Wellll... The Powers that be seem to have prescribed certain ways of being in a relationship. Marriage is the best example. Two people meet, fall in love, and with the blessings of their friends and family, embark on a life-long, committed, monogamous union. Although this is presented as timeless, that’s hardly the case. It’s a pretty recent development in human history. A little older than air conditioning, a little newer than representative democracy. In the not so distant past, most marriages were arranged and “love-matches” were discouraged. And they were chiefly found among the upper echelons of society. Poor people (most of the worlds population until mercantilism) couldn’t afford a priest, and priests couldn’t be bothered. So this model was plucked out of the ether and imposed upon us.
And there our troubles began.
To my mind, there’s no “wrong” way to be in a relationship. Problems tend to arise in trying to conform our relationships to received models. Although calling them “received models” doesn’t quite do them justice. They’re imposed, not received. It’s as if the American Kennel Club went a step further and deemed dogs that don’t match breeds to be anathema and launched a huge canine eugenics campaign.
I don’t think it’s correct to say that there are as many kinds of relationships as there are “grains of sand on the seashores of the world” or whatever. In all human relationships, there are three basic elements, and the kinds of relationships arise from which of these elements are in play, and to what degree.
The three elements are Sex, Romance, and Companionship.
Sex is the purely physical and animal. It’s the act itself and whatever leads up to the act. And, briefly, the aftermath. The basis for a sexual relationship is mutual sexual attraction and compatibility: “I like you, and I’d like to do this to you, and you like me, and you’d like me to do that to you, so let’s get busy.”
Romance is that “dizzy dancing way you feel.” The “some enchanted evening, you may see a stranger” thing. One day, he’s the guy who works in the mailroom, and the next day he’s "The One For You", alll you can think about, all you desire, I wonder what he’s doing right now. Maybe thinking of you? Wondering what you’re doing right now? Could it be? Oh God, please let it be so.
And finally there’s Companionship. When spending time with him is like being with yourself. The person who doesn’t have to ask “how was your day?” because just seeing your face, he knows how your day was and responds appropriately. The person who seems to like the same odd things you like, who shares your passions. The person you can talk to for hours and, more importantly, listen to for hours.
And each of these give rise to certain human activities. Sex is characterized, tautologically, with having sex. If you’ve got a Romance going on, you’ll want to be dating, that is to say, engaging in some novel activity together. And the business of Companionship is communication, sitting and talking. Or sitting and not talking, but communicating nonetheless.
Largely due to neurochemistry, timelines for these three are built right in. With Sex, there’s no reason for it to continue beyond the act. (That tautology thing again.) If it’s Romance we’re dealing with, then as long as the energy can be sustained, it can continue. But keep in mind that sustaining that energy takes a lot. On the other hand, with Companionship, there’s no reason--short of treachery--that it should end.
So there they are, only three elements in our periodic table.
By my count, that gives rise to seven possibilities for a relationship that two people can have with each other.
Here’s a tour of those possibilities.
Sex You’re **** Buddies! You share the same fetish, or you’re both available on Wednesday afternoons, or you live down the hall from each other. And your sexual compatibility is so on target that it’s on par with masturbation.
Sex + Romance What you’ve got going on is a Fling! Often, a Fling happens between two people who don’t know each other well. Both of you finding yourself in an unfamiliar setting (a trade show both of you have traveled to, on a cruise, the French Foreign Legion outpost, a Sting concert) sets the stage for a Fling.
Sex + Companionship God bless teenagers! For eons, we had no name for this relationship, but now we do. Thanks to teenagers: Friends With Benefits.
Romance Straight up Romance we call a Flirtation. And aren’t they sweet? Some would say better than sex. And often, you get dinner!
Romance + Companionship We could call this a “Platonic Friendship,” but that strikes me as a little bit quaint. Some recent nomenclature I’ve heard to describe this is “Straight Guy Man Crush.” Of course, it also goes down among women, and it’s so common that it’s never to my knowledge been identified as a phenomenon. And between a man and a woman. Any two people of whatever sexual orientation can encounter this. But at any rate, I’m partial to the word, so let’s call it a Krush.
Companionship This we refer to as Friendship. Good old Friendship. Way too under-appreciated and often taken for granted.
Sex + Romance + Companionship Let’s give a neologism to this and call it a Trifecta. With the Trifecta, of course, a lot of our problems begin. It’s what we’re told we’re all entitled to, and the Dr. Phil’s of the world are all about telling us How To Do It and why it’s the Gold Standard. They’re wrong and it’s not. It’s just one possibility among several. There’s really no way of doing it “wrong.”
And, a relationship between two people can evolve over time.
Let’s say you’ve got a **** Buddy. Every once in a while, you two get together and get it on. But on one occasion, as he’s putting his pants back on, he notices something on your coffee table. “Whoa! Is that Wim Wenders Wings Of Desire? Best. Movie. Ever.” And since you happen to agree, he sticks around to watch. You both rewind Peter Falk’s soliloquy three times, savoring every line. “Who is this guy” you ask yourself. You never quite noticed the amazing color of his eyes, and that****eyed smile he has that just makes you weak. “Wanna go to dinner?” You head stumble upon an Afgani restaurant, and by the time dinner is over, you’re both prettty much head over heels. For weeks, you’re callling and texting each other constantly. And, of course, you’re beset with terrible doubts: should I have told him that I didn’t finish college? Will he think I’m not on his level because of that? What did he mean when he said “I’m afraid of getting hurt”? Is he getting cold feet? But slowly those doubts and fears subside, as do the exhilarations of being together. You spend more and more time together, discovering there’s a lot more than sexual compatibility and Wings Of Desire that you have in common. And he’s so nice to come home to. And so nice to wake up next to. And so full of (pleasant) surprises.
Okay. If we wanted to chart this out, it would look like this:
**** Buddy (Sex) becomes A Fling (Sex + Romance) becomes Trifecta (Sex + Romance + Companionship)
One more thing. Sex and Companionship don’t lend themselves to exclusivity. You can have sex with a lot of people, and you can have as many friends as your time and attention allow. Romance, on the other hand, is all about exclusivity. Although it’s not impossible to maintain Romance for the long term, either as the sole element in a relationship or in some combination, it’s unlikely. It takes a lot of psychic energy. And you’ll probably get fired from your job. Much more likely that over the course of a relationship (say Friends With Benefits), Romance will crop up now and then and you’ve got a Trifecta for a time.
But you see what I’m getting at? Without Romance, exclusivity is... well.... unnatural. If you want exclusivity, then you better be ready and willing to do a hell of a lot of work to keep romance alive.
But my point, and I do have one, is that the relationship is what it is. And what it is, is good. So don’t go getting all concerned because it’s not the Ricky and Lucy thing you dream about. Not everybody can be Rod and Rob Jackson-Paris. Not even, if you’ll recall, Rod and Rob Jackson-Paris. | |
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| The things you DON'T miss about a relationship
Posted: 4/22/2008 1:50:13 PM | Relationships . . . . . hmmmmmm . . . . . Spring is in the air
Relationships are like dogs.
Hear me out. There are millions of dogs in the world, but in the minds of some people, only some dogs that matter. Just talk to the American Kennel Club. According to the AKC, for a dog to matter, the dog must be an outstanding representative of its breed.
Which makes sense until you think about it a bit, and then it doesn’t. Most “breeds” are recent creations. Not so very long ago, there were only a handful of recognized breeds, and now there are hundreds. Someone crossed something with something with something with something and came up with something which they called a Papillon. And when there were enough Papillons in the world, the breed was submitted to the AKC and acknowledged. And now, certain dogs are judged on how well their phenotype aligns with a theoretical concept of a Papillon. Or not. It’s all pretty Platonic when you think about it, no? Is there actually a Papillon out there to which these dogs are compared? And this, of course, leaves my own dear faithful companion in the lurch. He’s no breed in particular. But he’s definitely dog. And a great dog. One of the best I’ve known.
And that has to do what with relationships exactly?
Wellll... The Powers that be seem to have prescribed certain ways of being in a relationship. Marriage is the best example. Two people meet, fall in love, and with the blessings of their friends and family, embark on a life-long, committed, monogamous union. Although this is presented as timeless, that’s hardly the case. It’s a pretty recent development in human history. A little older than air conditioning, a little newer than representative democracy. In the not so distant past, most marriages were arranged and “love-matches” were discouraged. And they were chiefly found among the upper echelons of society. Poor people (most of the worlds population until mercantilism) couldn’t afford a priest, and priests couldn’t be bothered. So this model was plucked out of the ether and imposed upon us.
And there our troubles began.
To my mind, there’s no “wrong” way to be in a relationship. Problems tend to arise in trying to conform our relationships to received models. Although calling them “received models” doesn’t quite do them justice. They’re imposed, not received. It’s as if the American Kennel Club went a step further and deemed dogs that don’t match breeds to be anathema and launched a huge canine eugenics campaign.
I don’t think it’s correct to say that there are as many kinds of relationships as there are “grains of sand on the seashores of the world” or whatever. In all human relationships, there are three basic elements, and the kinds of relationships arise from which of these elements are in play, and to what degree.
The three elements are Sex, Romance, and Companionship.
Sex is the purely physical and animal. It’s the act itself and whatever leads up to the act. And, briefly, the aftermath. The basis for a sexual relationship is mutual sexual attraction and compatibility: “I like you, and I’d like to do this to you, and you like me, and you’d like me to do that to you, so let’s get busy.”
Romance is that “dizzy dancing way you feel.” The “some enchanted evening, you may see a stranger” thing. One day, he’s the guy who works in the mailroom, and the next day he’s "The One For You", alll you can think about, all you desire, I wonder what he’s doing right now. Maybe thinking of you? Wondering what you’re doing right now? Could it be? Oh God, please let it be so.
And finally there’s Companionship. When spending time with him is like being with yourself. The person who doesn’t have to ask “how was your day?” because just seeing your face, he knows how your day was and responds appropriately. The person who seems to like the same odd things you like, who shares your passions. The person you can talk to for hours and, more importantly, listen to for hours.
And each of these give rise to certain human activities. Sex is characterized, tautologically, with having sex. If you’ve got a Romance going on, you’ll want to be dating, that is to say, engaging in some novel activity together. And the business of Companionship is communication, sitting and talking. Or sitting and not talking, but communicating nonetheless.
Largely due to neurochemistry, timelines for these three are built right in. With Sex, there’s no reason for it to continue beyond the act. (That tautology thing again.) If it’s Romance we’re dealing with, then as long as the energy can be sustained, it can continue. But keep in mind that sustaining that energy takes a lot. On the other hand, with Companionship, there’s no reason--short of treachery--that it should end.
So there they are, only three elements in our periodic table.
By my count, that gives rise to seven possibilities for a relationship that two people can have with each other.
Here’s a tour of those possibilities.
Sex You’re **** Buddies! You share the same fetish, or you’re both available on Wednesday afternoons, or you live down the hall from each other. And your sexual compatibility is so on target that it’s on par with masturbation.
Sex + Romance What you’ve got going on is a Fling! Often, a Fling happens between two people who don’t know each other well. Both of you finding yourself in an unfamiliar setting (a trade show both of you have traveled to, on a cruise, the French Foreign Legion outpost, a Sting concert) sets the stage for a Fling.
Sex + Companionship God bless teenagers! For eons, we had no name for this relationship, but now we do. Thanks to teenagers: Friends With Benefits.
Romance Straight up Romance we call a Flirtation. And aren’t they sweet? Some would say better than sex. And often, you get dinner!
Romance + Companionship We could call this a “Platonic Friendship,” but that strikes me as a little bit quaint. Some recent nomenclature I’ve heard to describe this is “Straight Guy Man Crush.” Of course, it also goes down among women, and it’s so common that it’s never to my knowledge been identified as a phenomenon. And between a man and a woman. Any two people of whatever sexual orientation can encounter this. But at any rate, I’m partial to the word, so let’s call it a Krush.
Companionship This we refer to as Friendship. Good old Friendship. Way too under-appreciated and often taken for granted.
Sex + Romance + Companionship Let’s give a neologism to this and call it a Trifecta. With the Trifecta, of course, a lot of our problems begin. It’s what we’re told we’re all entitled to, and the Dr. Phil’s of the world are all about telling us How To Do It and why it’s the Gold Standard. They’re wrong and it’s not. It’s just one possibility among several. There’s really no way of doing it “wrong.”
And, a relationship between two people can evolve over time.
Let’s say you’ve got a **** Buddy. Every once in a while, you two get together and get it on. But on one occasion, as he’s putting his pants back on, he notices something on your coffee table. “Whoa! Is that Wim Wenders Wings Of Desire? Best. Movie. Ever.” And since you happen to agree, he sticks around to watch. You both rewind Peter Falk’s soliloquy three times, savoring every line. “Who is this guy” you ask yourself. You never quite noticed the amazing color of his eyes, and that****eyed smile he has that just makes you weak. “Wanna go to dinner?” You head stumble upon an Afgani restaurant, and by the time dinner is over, you’re both prettty much head over heels. For weeks, you’re callling and texting each other constantly. And, of course, you’re beset with terrible doubts: should I have told him that I didn’t finish college? Will he think I’m not on his level because of that? What did he mean when he said “I’m afraid of getting hurt”? Is he getting cold feet? But slowly those doubts and fears subside, as do the exhilarations of being together. You spend more and more time together, discovering there’s a lot more than sexual compatibility and Wings Of Desire that you have in common. And he’s so nice to come home to. And so nice to wake up next to. And so full of (pleasant) surprises.
Okay. If we wanted to chart this out, it would look like this:
**** Buddy (Sex) becomes A Fling (Sex + Romance) becomes Trifecta (Sex + Romance + Companionship)
One more thing. Sex and Companionship don’t lend themselves to exclusivity. You can have sex with a lot of people, and you can have as many friends as your time and attention allow. Romance, on the other hand, is all about exclusivity. Although it’s not impossible to maintain Romance for the long term, either as the sole element in a relationship or in some combination, it’s unlikely. It takes a lot of psychic energy. And you’ll probably get fired from your job. Much more likely that over the course of a relationship (say Friends With Benefits), Romance will crop up now and then and you’ve got a Trifecta for a time.
But you see what I’m getting at? Without Romance, exclusivity is... well.... unnatural. If you want exclusivity, then you better be ready and willing to do a hell of a lot of work to keep romance alive.
But my point, and I do have one, is that the relationship is what it is. And what it is, is good. So don’t go getting all concerned because it’s not the Ricky and Lucy thing you dream about. Not everybody can be Rod and Rob Jackson-Paris. Not even, if you’ll recall, Rod and Rob Jackson-Paris. | |
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| The things you DON'T miss about a relationship
Posted: 4/22/2008 2:14:23 PM | | Thanks for the trip down memory lane. As a happily involved non-fish, it has been a while since I had the luxury of hating my SO so much. It gives one’s life such focus. I really miss that - it was so easy to blame it all on her. | |
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| The things you DON'T miss about a relationship
Posted: 4/25/2008 12:07:15 AM | I don't miss crass behaviour mislabled as " sense of humor"
I don't miss landscapes with a moose or a bear in them.
I don't miss lacking sleep due to someone else's snoring.
I don't miss seeing someone vegged out in front of a TV, blandishing the remote and flipping mindlessly through the channels.
I don't miss finding dried toothpaste and spit crusted in the sink
I don't miss finding my brush clogged with greasy hair and worse
I don't miss collections of old Popular Mechanics magazines, broken tools, crippled furniture, old "priceless"acetate LPs that include a "Reader's Digest Collection Of Classical Music"and Doris Day, towers of ancient newspapers, discarded family momentos that include Mom's slides of Mount Rainier With The Kids circa 1950 and enough carboard boxes, paper and miscelaneous junk as to almost create spontaneous combustion if a ray of sun came through the window. Ha! Luckily, we lived in Washington State!
I don't miss finding unmatched socks and dingy underwear behind the bedboard.
I don't miss stumbling over huge loafers in the dark | |
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| The things you DON'T miss about a relationship
Posted: 4/25/2008 12:16:44 AM | Quote: To all you posters: I just wonder what your exe's would say about what they don't miss about all of you.
Life is a two-way street .... end Quote.
Nicely said!  | |
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| The things you DON'T miss about a relationship
Posted: 4/25/2008 2:35:36 AM | One of the other things I don't miss:
Old whats-her-name. Whoever she was, I am glad it was the longest one-night relationship I ever had, and that it is now over.
Geeze, I don't miss not doing that all the time....... | |
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| The things you DON'T miss about a relationship
Posted: 4/25/2008 3:23:22 AM | You know you're in love when you can't fall asleepbecause reality is finally better than your dreams. :Dr. Suess
wow thats nice.. it is amazing to feel like that. when i was reading all the things people dont miss, i also thought they were the things i love most! | |
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| The things you DON'T miss about a relationship
Posted: 4/26/2008 4:34:25 PM | I don't miss the specific men.
I don't miss someone holding me responsible for their every emotion.
I don't miss being courted as if my dreams and goals and values are shared and respected, and as soon as the man feels he has my undying loyalty, to be told that my dreams are silly, he forbids my goals, and he lied about sharing my values.... and then he still expects my loyalty....
I don't miss planning a future as a couple that is far removed from the one I had always wanted as an individual.
I don't miss the uncertainty of having to question if I've been deceived and feeling so very very stupid for it.
I don't miss a man feeling that it's OK to turn his inner filth monster loose once we're a couple.
I do miss loving someone enough to want his baby.
I miss waking up in the middle of the night to make love.
I miss sharing the end of a work day with each other.
I miss spending Sundays with the paper and a bad movie in bed and laughing about all the dumb stuff we laughed about, then shutting out the world and making love.
I miss the sheer quantity of sex, in all it's amazing variety from lovemaking to fun quickies, to lusty screwing and angry make-up sex and more. | |
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