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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?      Home login  
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 Indigo Rose
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 26
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Don't you have to experience a long ,horrible, drawn out relationship before you have commitment issues?
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 27
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How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/5/2006 6:22:07 PM
Indie, yes that's right. Then you get a nice certificate, suitable for framing!!
 stephen_ottawa
Joined: 9/19/2005
Msg: 28
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/5/2006 6:30:36 PM
Sounds like you're enabling her behaviour in the hopes that she'll wise up. She won't, and will leave you long before she does eventually fall in love with somebody. That somebody probably won't be you, because you've already given her everything that you can give of yourself. To the point where you're not being true to your own boundaries or actual needs as an adult man. She will leave you, probably travel and take several lovers, marry and have kids, while you're still waiting on the sidelines for her to fall in love with you.

No, I'm not making fun of you. Although my story isn't exactly the same as yours, I have a pretty good idea what you're going through. It's a painful thing, disillusionment. What you're doing is setting yourself up to become a martyr for this doomed relationship of unrequited love. It's not her fault, it's your fault. The good news is, admitting that now will keep your dignity and sense of self worth intact. It will also make you a far more openly loving man to the right woman who will choose to be your life partner. This girl you're with now isn't her.

The best thing that you can do for yourself - and for this friend of yours - is for you to love her so unconditionally that you can freely accept who she is, and let her go. On good terms.

To do otherwise will undoubtedly leave you emotionally damaged.
 England23
Joined: 5/8/2006
Msg: 29
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/6/2006 6:47:41 PM
It's really difficult when you feel that first rush of infatuation/love/whatever that all encompassing feeling is, and especially when the object of your affection is playing things cooler than you.

For all the wisdom and experience I have, I will tell you what I tell my teens.... you have to do what is ultimately right for you... and even though you might think it's being exactly what she wants from you, it's what makes you happy. Unrequited love can hurt like nothing else, but from what you've written, it doesn't sound as though it's all a one-way street. Fill your life with all kinds of things that give you pleasure, and you'll find that either she really is the one, or maybe she's just the one for right now.

Best of luck,

Heather
 lisahzgrneyz06
Joined: 3/31/2006
Msg: 30
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How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/10/2006 10:16:31 PM
I agree with****oston. I've been on the other side of this dilemma several times. But I do make it clear that I'm not the type of person to jump into anything serious. Maybe she's like me and determined not to make another mistake !!
 animus9
Joined: 11/11/2005
Msg: 31
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 6/10/2006 10:31:03 PM
If you really want a gf and she doesn't want to be it then find someone else. I'm not saying tell her to take a hike, you can keep the relationship you have with her, but don't trick yourself into thinking she'll come around. You'll only end up wasting your time (and I can tell you I've been there before myself). Obviously she can't be too bothered by the idea of you exploring other avenues or she'd be more willing to commit to something. No biggie, just make sure you see things for what they are and not what you'd like them to be.
 whenlovemeetskarma
Joined: 4/17/2011
Msg: 32
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 5/21/2011 6:05:22 PM
What if her problem is not exclusivity?

I started sleeping with a friend I have known for more then 3 years and I knew from the first night we spent together it was not "friends with benefits". Because our connections is on every level, emotional, physical, intellectual, spiritual and family and is nothing like we have ever experienced. Its deep, spiritual, emotional and insatiable at the same time. It is fluid and just works. We just get each other, without the need for words, expectations or assumptions. She made it clear she didn't want to be in a committed relationship, but agreed from the first time to not sleep with anyone else. Which confused me as I was under the impression that is what a committed relationship is?

We are a month and a half into it now and due to distance only see each other every week and a bit, but when I do, I stay for at least 3 days. I have felt the relationship evolve over that time from her side...where she has become more touchy, affectionate, opened up emotionally and totally acting like a couple. It is clear that it is not just sex.

But because I know she has a fear of commitment I have let her lead the way and take her time even though I knew from the first time we were together that I loved her. She has now admitted that she loves me and even said it in the moment, once. She also hinted towards us being "serious" and that when it is she tell her friends and that would mean admitting to herself that it is serious.

Now I am not sure what exactly is holding her back, I have not pressurized her, but just remained constant and taken it at her pace. I am at the stage where I want to see her at least every 3 days. I miss her company and I want to be with her, and after last week it feel so much more real. I want to talk to her everyday and I am finding the distance difficult.

But she has not said anything, its just the way she looks at me, touches me as she walks past me, or reaches out to take my hand.

The history is that she is recently separated from her ex of 4 years, 8 months ago and she says this is the reason she doesn't want to be seen in a committed relationship so soon after her marriage especially with kids involved. Also her ex thinks there was something going on between us last year, when I was involved with someone else and it had ended and they supported me as a couple. And there wasn't. We never realized we had feelings for each other until now. This weighs on my conscious as I do not want to create issues for her with regards to sharing access with her ex and there by pushing her further away. I want to be there to support her and enrich her life not add stress to it. Which is why I guess I tolerate being a secret, because I understand why it is this way. But how much time is reasonable before we can tell people? So that I can see her more often.

I want this, I want her, I want to be with her. How do I get her to want this too without making her run away? I limit my txts to 3 a day. One gd morning txt, maybe one during the day, and then one around bed time. Though really I would like to text more often just to tell her I am thinking of her...and I am here for her. If that is all we can have because of the distance then I want to be real and fully experience this.

When will she get to the stage where she needs to talk to me everyday, and moves to the stage of wanting to see me at least twice or 3 times a week? When will she commit and what can I do reassure her that I am not going anywhere and I am all in this?
 brandished
Joined: 9/25/2009
Msg: 33
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How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 5/21/2011 6:51:45 PM

When will she commit and what can I do reassure her that I am not going anywhere and I am all in this?


The sincerity of your entire post is palpable with the attention that you want to give toward this woman?! I do (sincerely) hate to break that bubble, but I have to ask about your own children?! What contact do you have with your the children you claim to have in your profile?? How old are they/he/she?? Where do they fit into this scenario that you presented to us forumites??

Not once in your post did you include your own children to the equation, hence my questions?? You mentioned her sensitivity to her children and their father (her ex), and then you simply keep talking about how to keep her comfortable, keep her reassured, etc...I can't help but think your children may be asking the same question of you?? "When will he commit...etc..."

Without knowing anything about you, and strictly going by what you posted...I'd suggest you leave well enough alone, don't contact this woman, focus on your own children, let time/space fall between the two of you, and then consider what you know to be true about your feelings for one another at that time....make sense??

Correct me if I'm wrong, but your post sounds as if you're shoving your own personal needs/responsibilities/sensibilities aside in order to accommodate this woman and her needs/comfort in order for you to feel loved by her?!

True or not??
 whenlovemeetskarma
Joined: 4/17/2011
Msg: 34
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 5/21/2011 7:46:21 PM
Thanks for your reply. I have one child. I am a solo dad to a 3 year old. Im not sure she is old enough to be affected by this, hence why I never put it in.

I would say my personal needs to be in a long term committed relationship maybe, but not my responsiblities. Its not a matter of feeling loved by her, I know she loves me. Its more about whether she will commit or whether I should accept that she may not commit and move on. Thought right now we are both really happy, I just want more of her time.

Right thats good advice...go with the flow. Ok. Thanks.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 35
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 5/21/2011 8:20:09 PM
op guess what she does want her cake and eats it too. Which means if she's not giving you what you want, time to cut the power source and find someone that will.
 whenlovemeetskarma
Joined: 4/17/2011
Msg: 36
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 5/21/2011 8:31:24 PM
Yeah Archangel...that is what I was thinking...though giving her and ultimatum at this stage, would only drive her away. Staying around could be emotionally harmful to me if it gets to December and we are still in the same situation...I am not going to be a very happy man.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 37
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How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 5/21/2011 9:11:35 PM
I want to be her boyfriend. But, she says she likes the arrangement we have now. Where we go out together to eat or to hang out or whatever, sleep together, talk to each other about life, etc. To me, this sounds like we're already together. But, we're really not.


Again with the "labels" being so important... you're right, it "sounds like you're together", because you *are* - what are you doing that would be so different than you would be "with an official label"? I mean, seriously - having been cheated on - trust me, you can be "boyfriend/girlfriend" and still be trying to "have your cake and eat it too".

I'd worry less about putting a label on what you have, and put more into enjoying what you have. Face it, the "label" here is important to you because of *your* insecurities - its not about her at all.
 tamzin01
Joined: 5/29/2008
Msg: 38
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How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 5/22/2011 3:18:07 AM
Get the book 'He's just not into you' cos it also applies to guys. Basically you get on great, but she doesn't feel you have any potential to be "the one" so she wants you as a f**k buddy in order to have the good bits of having a boyfriend without the commitment, so she can be free to look elsewhere and not feel like she's cheating on you.
 PrunellaJones
Joined: 1/22/2011
Msg: 39
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 5/22/2011 12:17:24 PM

want to be her boyfriend. But, she says she likes the arrangement we have now. Where we go out together to eat or to hang out or whatever, sleep together, talk to each other about life, etc. To me, this sounds like we're already together. But, we're really not.
She likes you, but she is not in love with you. It is just that simple. It's not about having committment 'issues.' This 'committment issue' thing, imo, is probably something you've cooked up in your mind to explain it so you don't feel rejected. Or it may be something she is telling you for the same reason. If a woman is in love, she won't be shilly shallying around...she'll let you know. So, you must accept this for what it is.
 MetDBlck
Joined: 1/18/2009
Msg: 40
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 5/22/2011 12:47:32 PM
I wouldn't agree that she has commitment issues, because she's at the very least being entirely honest about her attitude towards commitment with you, in saying that she's happy with the level of commitment you have now (which you both may not see as the same thing, but that's a difference in perception you have no control over).

If she had commitment issues I think she would have let you believe she wanted to get *more involved* and backed out shortly after this happening, or deceived you in other ways about her attitude to your relationship. Or in being entirely unsure about *what* she wants, so she goes along with what you want, and finds she doesn't like it later and backs off.

You simply need to ask yourself are you happy enough with what you have now or not? If you are happy enough, then just go with the flow. You're both quite young after all. Now I don't mean that as a "You're both young, so go out and screw around" because that is not everyone's cup of tea, whatever their age. However, realise that her attitude of perception of serious commitment may be apprehensive based on her age, because of the fact that just about everyone recommends the "Go out and have fun" advice. In this case she may be avoiding the labels out of fear of early-age commitment draining the fun out of her life or whatever other shock-rumours she may have heard about the consequences.

If you're not happy with the arrangement and do need that commitment, then you need to be honest and mention this to her, and say that you can't stay with her without the certainty. Bear in mind, a fully blossomed relationship is no true indicator of certainty, people's behaviour is. The fact that you two are sharing the relationship you've described strikes me as certain enough. Without the *BF-GF* talk, sure there is this question of "Is she seeing and screwing others?" but even with that talk, there is no surefire solution to that question coming up again. If you're satisfied with her commitment to you as not seeing other people right now, then I do not understand why you would rock this boat.

If something works just let it continue to work. Don't risk breaking a hole on your boat when you're trying to attach the name label on it. After all, the people who matter, you and her, already know enough to say it's your boat already no? Is the label for the benefit of the rest of the world that significant?

Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 41
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 5/23/2011 1:45:48 PM
You guys are young and have not explored that much.

My advice is simple. Improve the quality of sex you give her. Make sure she gets at least 4 orgasms every time you are together. Go down on her a lot. Ask her what her fantasies are. Learn to slow down.

Give her the memories, the experiences that will last a lifetime. If you do not know what to do sexually, learn.

Oh about the relationship? You guys are so young, so enjoy it and simply let it flow.
 FyrKrakn
Joined: 2/21/2010
Msg: 42
How do deal with a woman who has commitment issues?
Posted: 5/23/2011 3:19:23 PM
Ask my husband. I'm pretty sure his main strategy was to be patient and to apply logical reasoning whenever possible.
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