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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 7/20/2006 3:27:12 PM | | hey man , i can sympathise ,as i was in the carbon copy of your situation the key word being WAS!!! be careful you don`t put too much pressure on or you will find yourself "kicked to the curb" as i was take her anyway you can get her and be thankful for that much ,because it really sucks to lose those people from your life, take it from someone who knows...............good luck to you sir | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 7/20/2006 4:54:56 PM | destiny.. y do u feel like u have 2 "save her" from her past?.. u have 2 respect her decision 4 not wanting a relationship at the moment w/u.. how many other "bad" relationships has she had prior 2 u?.. sometimes when a person has been in an abusive situation 4 any length of time.. they think thats all they "deserve" is someone treating them like crap.. like their nothing.. and when someone good comes along & shows them what love is suppose 2 feel like.. they get scared.. b/c all they`ve known is the negative side of love & not the positive side..
she`s not keeping u around 4 her "convenience".. she`s most likely not use 2 having a man treat her like gold.. just keep plugging away w/what ur doing 4 her.. i`m sure u`ll break that wall she has up & eventually will stop viewing men all the same.. i know what she`s talking about as i was there for 10 yrs in an abusive marriage.. the walls came down 2 yrs after i left my ex back in `98..
tell ur gf 2 let go of the anger.. it really isn`t doing anyone any good & this includes herself.. gl 2 the both of u..  | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 7/21/2006 9:00:50 AM | | I read this whole thread because I relate to your feelings...and I have something different to offer other than "run". I decided I didn't want to quit having a relationship with a person who didn't have reciprocal feelings... that I would practice compersion - the opposite of jealousy. In my situation it meant becoming a good friend, sometimes it included sex and when it does I get a little messed up, but I come back to my spiritual practice of compersion, loving what is, and myself, and meeting my own needs. It's not easy, but very rewarding when I triumph... I get better at it every day, feel more centered and grounded and very loved by myself and others, and I get to keep someone I love dearly in my life. | |
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Phyn
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Joined: 6/5/2006
Msg: 30 | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 8/28/2006 6:54:07 PM | To all those that replied - you have my deepest gratitude!
This site has some incredible members and it's helped me work through so much by just reading the responses. In fact, I am in utter shock that yesterday my gf broke up with me.
Tamalo (read post above) predicted the exact outcome. My gf was waiting for something to tick her off so she could use it as a reason to get out of what has become a strong-bonded relationship. I had gotten to a point where I told her that I love her. She admitted that she didn't feel this way about me and even jokingly mentioned a FRIENDSHIP with BENEFITS. Something I am utterly disgusted by (call me old-fashioned).
I met a girl before I met my gf, who is married and we have a friendship. There was never and romance, and never will be. My gf believes that I have been seeing this girl and lying about never having had relations with her. I swore on my life even after she broke up with me that this is the core-truth - THERE WAS NEVER ANYTHING between us. It was just a female friend.
She said I was full of SH$T and asked me to leave. I have lost her and am having an incredibly hard time moving on. Of course, this is only the first day. But, as you can tell from the first post above, it all started in June. So this lengthy process has finally come to an end.
One question for any of you that have read this far...
1) Why does it hurt so bad to be rejected by someone you would walk through flames for? How can I make the pain go away. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 8/28/2006 9:04:51 PM | Wow, That's a tough thing to go through, I've also been involved in an "attempted relationship" with a woman who just couldn't move on past her demons and see what she had in me. Beating those demons from a person's past can be impossible and only end up in the hurt and heartbreak that you feel now. I wish you the best of luck in moving on past this experience! The hurt will go away with time, for me I had to get away from all the places that we had spent time together and from the things that reminded me of her. In my case a trip to Australia for 3 weeks did the trick and I came back stronger, refreshed and ready to deal with the remnants of hurt that I had carried. Getting away from it all in the manner that I did may not be an option for you, just lucky timing for me.
Do your best to avoid those places where you had spent quality time, whatever you do, harden yourself to not try and get her back, as it WILL push her even farther away than she already is. If you have a good number of friends, then spend some time around them, My close friends helped pull me from the emotional dumps that I was in, and slowly I got back to normal. It's over 3 years in my past now, and I've been "back to my normal self" for the last 2. I date a little bit here and there, and I'm much more watchful of those Red Flags now and I won't hesitate to get out if the wrong Flags start showing up. Life isn't always great, The good times should be enjoyed while they last and the bad times will make you a stronger person. Learn your lessons in life and don't let your heart become cold to the next person that steps into your life. One's mistakes should never taint how you treat the next! Again, Best of Luck to you! | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 8/29/2006 6:08:57 AM | Thank you for the words of wisdom. It sounds like this will be the best route for me to take. If you allow me to self-evaluate for a moment, I'd like to share how I'm currently feeling because I'm 'in the middle' of it all. The feelings have never been more intense then they are now. I have not attempted to call or email her.
I'm noticing what the most difficult times of the day are for me.
1) When I wake up mornings, I feel like I've woken up into a nightmare. Nothing makes sense and it scares me.
2) When I come home from work and walk into my apartment, immediately I realize that I'm surrounded by furniture and decorations she helped pick out and setup. Memories flood in.
3) When I hear songs that we listened to, or consider going to places we went together (gym, lake, tennis court, mall etc) it gives me instant-anxiety.
4) When I go to lunch at work, or drive home afterwards, I would normally visit her and this has stopped completely. It makes me miss these times so much.
Here are my questions for you and any input would be greatly appreciated. I can't continue to avoid places just because they remind me of her. I can't start
changing the radio station every time a mutually enjoyed song is played, or completely redo my apartment because she decorated it. Sure this would make it easier for
me but, then again I'm blaming material things for triggering my anxiety because of the memories. A part of my wants to try the opposite - force myself to go to places we have gone until I stop associating the locations with her.
What should I do in this case?
Everyone wants to get a quick fix to get over a broken heart, I realize that won't be the case with me.
However! I have seen that certain things can slow down the healing process (thinking about contacting her, looking
at pictures of her, spending time thinking about the 'good' times with her)
How can I avoid such slowdowns because it's really only torturing me emotionally?
And last, but not least - why is it one of my biggest fears, to see her in about a week, with another man. That thought tears me apart.
Please help plentyoffish members!! | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 8/29/2006 7:27:57 AM | The reason we feel so off-balance after a break-up is because we are creatures of continuity. Humans will seek stability, in whatever form is the easiest. People stay in bad relationships, bad jobs, etc, because it is easier/safer than the unknown. When we are thrown off-balance, we scramble to regain a sense of stability, even if that stability comes in the form of an unhealthy relationship.
You do have control over this. You can continue to be strong, knowing that you will find a sense of stability in the future. Allow yourself to feel the pain, and know that in time it will fade. Do things that make you happy. Be active. You can change your emotions, ie feel happier, if you act and think happy.
I wish you well. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 9/5/2006 1:11:41 PM | | She's just telling you to cool it. She sounds like she's having a good time but needs time to develop things and trust you. Take it easy. Don't visit every day. Also, if you have seen her every day she is probably exclusive or else doing an incredible juggling act. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 9/5/2006 2:15:13 PM | I am going to have to agree with most people here so far. In my opinion you did the right thing when you started to have feelings and hopes that were more inclined to a long term situation and then stopped and took her temperature so to speak on that. It's a much better idea to try to get a bearing on whether or not both of you are on the same page. Unfortunately for you, you did not get the response you wanted. So unless you really believe that she is just a hard nut to crack or something, then you need to move on. It will only get worse for you. Only you can really gauge that. Anyone here can only offer objective opinions based on the details you provide. Sometimes third party objectivity can really pull the blinders away, sometimes not so much. It's up to you of course, but if I were in your shoes, I would bail. At least you had the common sense to ask where things were at insead of blindly moving forward and hoping for the best. You got her reaction, and posters responses. Consider them all and make the decision you think is best for you.
Cheers | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 9/5/2006 4:18:55 PM | This thread definitely hits home with me in a huge way because it is almost like I can place myself in this woman's shoes and your perspective helps me to identify how it feels to be the man involved with someone such as myself.
I spent over 18 years with a man who was abusive, controlling, non appreciative, and had a very hard time showing any love towards myself. Marriage or commitment to me now represents many things such as fear, loss of freedom, the right to a say in my life, and most of all pain.
I want to love and be loved but it is very hard to as it was mentioned push away the demons of the past. It takes time and growth of spirit to reach a point where you can let someone in again and trust that your life will not be returned to a hell that you so desperately escaped from.
I have met some great men and have said and done the same to them that you have had said to you and inwardly I am hoping that I will find the ONE that realizes that my heart and soul is mending and I need a gentle hand to guide me towards completeness again. You must take things slowly with her for I believe that she does care for you especially if she allows you into her life and that of her children. PATIENCE is the key here and if you truly see a woman who could be your partner than you will give her the time and space that she needs.
Peace and good luck............I can only hope that I will find a man that will stick it out like you are so wonderfully doing, she sounds like a lucky girl. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 9/5/2006 4:35:37 PM | Sometimes relationships are a tug of war. I know we all tend to feel that abused women are trapped by the controller spouse. But when I was in that situation, I went back countless times, even so far as intitiating a divorce before finally getting it some years later. I found
his aggressive behaviors stimulating and he knew it. It seemed all he had to do was whistle. And in that marriage we had no children in common. It might well be that the ex is constantly in the picture, such young children, regardless of whether he's a deadbeat or not.
Women who hang with controlling men usually do so with their passions and not with their brain. So this gal may be doing the tug of war between the two. She may look at you and know that you'd be a 'really good guy' - everything the other jerk is NOT. But, she got to
squeeze that passion in somehow and that's not always possible. In fact, I find it odd that
you dated two months without getting intimate. Usually a passionate relationship will burst into flames much sooner than that. And I think the kids should be off limits to a male friend, unless she WANTS to get serious. She sounds like she's majorly confused. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 9/5/2006 6:04:05 PM | | IT SEEMS YOU AND ME ARE BOTH PEDDLING THE SAME WAY, THE GUY I WAS SEEING AFTER 3 AND A HALF MONTHS, JUST TOLD ME HE DIDNT WANT ME TO THINK HE WAS USING ME , HE THOUGHT I WAS GETTING TO EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED, AND AT THE TIME I DIDNT THINK I WAS UNTIL HE TOLD ME THIS, I NEVER FELT THIS FROM HIM PHYSICALLY HE GAVE ME ALL THE ATTENTION AND AFFECTION I NEEDED, BUT NOW IM REALLY HURTING AND DIDNT THINK I WOULD, WE ALSO TOOK TRIPS WITH MY KIDS AND HIS AND DID ALL KIND OF OTHER STUFF TOO HE SAYS HE STILL WANTS TO SEE ME, BUT IM QUESTIONING HOW HE REALLY FEELS TOWARD ME, I GUESS I WENT TO FAST , I THOUGHT WE WERE ON THE SAME PAGE I GUESS I WAS WRONG , AND NOW IM TRYING TO HOLD ON AND I FEEL LIKE IM SETTING MYSELF UP TO GET REALLY HURT..................J | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 9/18/2006 6:57:04 PM | Once again I come back into this forum, and read recent posts..I'm so impressed how some of the opinions go hand in hand with what I'm feeling. If I truly care for her then I need to be more patient. Apparently there is no rule-of-thumb on how long it takes to trust someone or how long it lasts before things are taken to the next level.
I personally have felt the passion, happiness and friendship I share with this person. The only thing I am missing is that feeling of being trusted. I don't like being treated like a cheater and a liar. However, I took a major step yesterday.
After we had spent most of the weekend together, a conversation had set off a verbal response from her stating "maybe we shouldn't spend anymore time together".
I chose to take initiative and tell her: "I wouldn't want to be with anyone else, anywhere else - and I'm going to continue to call you and hope to spend time with you, until you tell me to stay away from you."
This is what I felt. Looking at it from a perspective of complete resignation - living in the moment - I am learning to appreciate every moment I spend with this person. If the moments should continue then FANTASTIC but, if the moments are my last with her..so be it.
I know that sounds pretty nonchalant but, I'm tired of living in fear that I will lose this person. I refuse to give up.
All that posted here have given me a clear picture of what I want (raised my blinds)!
I thank you all for that. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 9/19/2006 1:17:00 AM | Hey Knight -
If you like reading, I strongly recommend a book called "Are You the One for Me" by Barbara DeAngelis. This book has opened my eyes and I never look at the relationship the same way as before.
A year before I re-started this online dating thing, I said good-bye to a man I loved 5 or 6 years. He was deeply wounded in a previous relationship and I tried to heal him by staying faithful and understanding like a "good" woman would do. He claimed that he was cheated on by his old girlfriend; the irony was, the last time we were intimate, he told me that he was engaged to another woman!!!
I went through the whole emotional reactions you described in previous posts. One of the questions I kept asking myself was: "Does he love me at all?" However, after I read DeAngelis' book, I realized that the question should be "Is he really capable of loving, period." Now I think about that relationship, I was playing a therapist and he was emotionally unavailable all through.
So, I understand that the woman you dated had traumatic marriage, why or why not. However, I want to tell you that if she has trust issues, nobody can give her trust until she decides that she can handle disappointment in life and start to trust again. You are not, and you absolutely shouldn't be, her therapist. After dating her for 2 or 3 months, you have the very right to ask her whether she intends to date you exclusively. DeAngelis also discusses "four levels of commitment" in the book. She's very right to point out that people confuse "dating exclusively" with a "permanent commitment" such as a marriage. So, is it possible that she confuses these two levels of commitment also? If that's case, congrats; however, if she doesn't even want to date you exclusively, say good-bye now and don't build your expectation too high. You are a good catch; let the right woman spoil you!  | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 9/20/2006 10:55:53 AM | You are very sweet suelynnslovecafe, thank you.
I will definately check out the book you recommended to me. I'm currently reading "How to break your addiction to a person" and "The journey from abandonment to healing" by susan anderson. They are both great books. I've come to realize that this relationship is poison for me. Poison that my body and mind have gotten used to unfortunately.
Time to detoxify!! | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 9/20/2006 11:17:52 AM | Way to go, Knight!
I'm so happy for your progress!  I've realized that "healing" is a process through which we can love ourselves again. It's not so much about "getting over" him/her, but reclaiming the joy and love we so deserve!   | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 9/20/2006 11:28:11 AM | You are not alone believe me!
1) When I wake up mornings, I feel like I've woken up into a nightmare. Nothing makes sense and it scares me.
2) When I come home from work and walk into my apartment, immediately I realize that I'm surrounded by furniture and decorations she helped pick out and setup. Memories flood in.
3) When I hear songs that we listened to, or consider going to places we went together (gym, lake, tennis court, mall etc) it gives me instant-anxiety.
4) When I go to lunch at work, or drive home afterwards, I would normally visit her and this has stopped completely. It makes me miss these times so much. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 9/22/2006 10:55:40 PM | | Yes, love can feel like a toxic cess pool sometimes, and everyone has their own 12-step program for gettin over it. Talk to people and everyone has their nightmarish story to tell. It's good that you see this relationship is doomed. You cant fix people, and you can't make them happy. You have every right to ask someone to lay their cards on the table-- but be prepared to NOT hear the answer you were lookin for, and accept the answers you are givin, and don't try to read between the lines in order to find an acceptable reason for their answers. Most importantly, when yer done yer own 12-step program---- make sure you have learned somethin from it -- and what you can change in order to find the right person for you. Good luck to you. From another burnt fish. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 9/23/2006 11:02:51 AM | Been there my friend. Women are fickle. They want you to be there and do all the good stuff, but they want their cake and eat it too. Most good women know early in a relationship whether they want the "relationship" to work. AND THEY LET YOU KNOW! Some women will be happy to see you but the switch to take the relationship to the next level never gets thrown. Make sure you are not wasting you time or being used. The old guides used to say a person can only live a lie for 3 months. After that they lose their game face. I think people can keep the ball rolling for longer. especially if they beleive their own lies.
C. | |
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| Jen
Posted: 9/23/2006 2:47:06 PM | I thought i'd never find someone who is in the exact same situation I am in now. I found the love of my life here in this website. Many times I have tried to move on, but somehow I keep going back. I love myself as well, I respect myself, and I want nothing more than to start a relationship with this guy. He's also been emotionally hurt by his ex, also been cheated on. He pretty much has walls built around his heart, and I'm not sure if i'm capable enought to break them down. We are dating " exclusively" right now, but thats all there is to it. He said quote " He's in a comfortable relationship with me". The idea of having the responsibility and obligation of being official scares him, but thats not what i'm asking for. I'm only asking for what we have now, I just want to be acknowledged that I'm with him and he's not open to meet other girls. I'm not a board game that can be played with and stored away to play again with later. I just want some credebility for the relationship we've built all this time. I love him him so much, I cry just at the thought of leaving him. I know he wants my company, I know he cares for me and treats me wonderful, but I just wish for one second he would let go of the past, and look foward to what we have.
I try to keep an open mind. I keep telling myself that if i hang around and show him that I care for him and love him for who he is, he might just open his heart to me. I see potential in the relationship, and i'm not ready to throw the towel either. All of my friends tell me to move on, but to them it seems so simple. However, its not!! I'm still confused, sometimes I even think I should just settle for what he has to offer. I just can't let him go. I can't force myself not to see him, or answer his phone calls. I can't....I feel so vulnerable with him; I still hold on to "hope" that we will become what I want us to become.
Good luck for you, and I wish myself luck. Because we are in the same boat. | |
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ksue44
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Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 48 | |
| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 9/23/2006 4:01:29 PM | OP - sorry to hear about your circumstances. It seems she has a lot of unfinished business (hurt, etc) to get over. Until she heals completely from that, she won't be the best of relationship material. She may be able to be a wonderful friend, but until she's healed, you wouldn't want to marry her. You both took it way too fast, I think it was a bit more than she could handle. When one is severely scarred/hurt, that person is a little bit slower in the relationship lane, than most people are willing to tolerate. Since she does have young kids, she has to be very careful in who meets her kids.
All you can do is one day at a time. You can end as friends, call on her from time to time. Ask her if there is anything she needs. Should you get back together (which is a big if), you will basically have to start all over again. Unless either of you remarry, there is always hope. Do not pressure her though, if she dates or if you date others, that's ok too. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 9/23/2006 4:08:20 PM | I think it may help, if you can, to remove any physical things that are a constant reminder of her. Pictures, whatever....any CDs of your "song". In other words, try the best you can to avoid things that bring back memories that make you sad. You won't be able to control all of it, but do what you can.
Eventually, you will build new memories, either with someone else, or just in your day to day life with your friends. Fun times, good times, good feelings will replace what you feel as an emptiness. Spend as much time as possible with people who are supportive and understanding. It's a deep hurt, it will heal with time.  | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 4/29/2009 9:26:55 PM | lucky her to have you but in your situation move on there are plenty of fish in the ocean.
"good things come to those who wait" that is always my motto in life.
wake up in the morning and smell the coffee, you may never know who's knocking on your door. look around and don't waste your time. you're good looking man, you deserve better that will treat you right. you're a type of guy that i can introduce to my parents hehehe ...j/k
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