| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 4/29/2009 11:34:35 PM | Ok, I was in a situation similar to yours, the only difference is no kids. I met this recently divorced woman who was also in an abusive situation and when we met it was like nothing I had ever experienced.
We would see each other everyday and hangout together, take trips. You name it we did it. But I started noticing that the more I was into her the more she backed away, and if something happened that wasn't in her liking she would just turn cold and distant. But by loving her I stayed there and tried giving more love to remedy the situation. We since then have broken up and still once in a while communicate. My recommendation to you is back off!!! You will get hurt and it will be by someone who loves you but isn't ready for you. By the way you've described how she's acting, it's Deja vu to me. Cause she's probably still in it with you because she thinks you're a great guy and you love her kids. Not many guys would do that. My recommendation is to take some time for yourself. Just disappear and if she tries to look for you then take it from there. If she doesn't , then maybe it was better for that to happen.
Like I told you been there and done that. Like I said before same situation but without children and if you do what I did you will end up worse. Don't make the same mistake I made. You gave everything you were going to give, know either she appreciates and tries get you back or go find yourself somebody that will give you exactly the same of what you're putting in.
Good luck, tough road ahead | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 4/29/2009 11:49:52 PM | People throw around the word "relationship" and don't understand what it means.
Relationship is how two people RELATE to each other. You have relationships with everyone you know. Your doctor, your co-worker, your mail man. Anyone you come into contact with is some sort of relationship.
The connotation of "being IN a relationship" is a different story all together.
You are IN a relationship with her, but I think the terms and conditions are different for both of you. It seems that you are looking for a "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship and she more so wants a "casual relationship" where it's not labeled.
Define what you want to her, and ask her specifically what she wants, see if you can come to some sort of agreement that both can be happy with, if not.... Walk away it will never be what you want. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 5/26/2009 4:09:55 AM | | aszoler, it's a weird situation. but the rule I live by is that if these people don't get counseling and deal with their demons, they turn into emotional meatgrinders for the next person. they typically either go back to the abuser, or find a new abuser | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 5/26/2009 10:17:29 AM |
the rule I live by is that if these people don't get counseling and deal with their demons, they turn into emotional meatgrinders for the next person
Having been in a very similar relationship to the OP's years back when I was almost the same age he is now, I can tell you this wise fellow above me is exactly right! The woman I was with was emotionally damaged, and when I came along, I was the best thing that had ever happened to her (her words). But that was on good days; on bad days she was constantly testing me, making me jump thru hoops to prove I wasn't just putting on an act by being so good to her and her 2 children. No matter how hard I tried there were always doubts in the back of her head, not because of me but because of the creeps she'd known in her past. I excused her excesses because of that past, and thought that if I loved her enough I could overcome her fears to the point that she could finally be unafraid to let herself be happy. Of course, I was just beating my head against the wall, and eventually she did end up pushing me away, in almost exactly the way the OP had happen to him.
That experience didn't leave me feeling cynical about love though, quite the opposite in fact. What it taught me however is the value of putting your past behind you and not projecting previous bad relationships onto potential new ones, and thus sabotaging them before they ever have a chance to succeed. And of course, that no matter how fast or slow you are going, that you be at the same pace TOGETHER. Its only when you are at different phases of the relationship emotionally that one or the other ends up hurt. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 5/26/2009 12:48:31 PM | I had the completely opposite of that. Including the kids. But first of all, you did have to have the talk. The problem is that your girl does not like to talk about these things and considers them to be drama to her. But they need to be spoken.
So you both need to come to an agreement as to what you have, exclusive or not exclusive. If she does not want that or is pretending that you do not have a relationship then tell her that you are free to see other women.
And then do so. Go out on a date, or go out with a couple of your buddies to a bar or restaurant. Tell her that you are OUT there to be with your buddies and even though you are not interested in pursuing anyone, you are open. Do not call her the rest of the evening, not even when you get home.
The thing is, this woman is in denial. She does not want to go through what she had gone before, so instead she likes to live through pain avoidance, while every thing else indicates to the contrary.
She needs a chance to miss you and re access her emotions for you. If they are not there, then it's time to drift off, since 2 kids can be an emotional big thing to be dealing with when you are both not in the same page. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 7/3/2009 5:21:40 PM | | Ive been there & done that. She needs companionship but unfortunatly its not right timing. Ive always heard everything is in the timing & if you meet someone and fall in love at the wrong time its your loss.I did. Thats what I was told by the guyI was with in the same situation... I found out you cant make things change either. Then I had found out there was an x factor missing thats why the timing is bad. I feel for you also | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 7/3/2009 10:09:00 PM | OP
what does your gut tell you? for me, when confused, i really take it down to whether i have this nagging gut feeling and trust it because it is our internal warning system.
to be asking, questioning, analyzing, etc. your relationship like you are doing is a sign of your gut telling you to pay attention.
taking a break from her can help clear the cobwebs and allow you both some space to think.
good luck,
kaylee | |
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Phan59
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Joined: 5/26/2009
Msg: 61 | |
| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 7/4/2009 2:21:38 AM | For the most part, it sounds like you two have something special.
'we had become intimate and weere starting to spend ever day/night together. I would drive over to her house to visit her and the kids, we would spontaneously go on trips, go biking, play tennis, watch movies, cook together...lots of fun stuff!'
'When her and I first met, we both evaluated our true intentions and came to the conclusion that we wanted to spend quality time together and get to
know each other.'
IMO, Good relationships, like everything worth having in life, take time.
From your description, she sounds scared, and determined not to repeat past mistakes. Especially difficult for her, when there are two young children involved and that bad ex. She told you, she isn't seeing anyone else. You say she is giving nothing back, but a young single Mom being intimate with you and spending this much time with you, this IS her giving, isn't it?
You've already invested yourself in this relationship. I don't think you should give up on her. Continue spending time with her and see how it goes. No pressure. Keep up the 'lots of fun stuff'! You said you wouldn't you move in with her, marry her? Wouldn't this be the point of the entire relationship? Being a family together?
Being intimate and exclusive with a single mom, spending time with her children, either you're heading for something serious or rethink your priorities.
Seems to me from your posts, you love her. Hope it goes well for all 4 of you. | |
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Phan59
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Joined: 5/26/2009
Msg: 62 | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 7/4/2009 2:40:59 AM | Oh dear. That's one messy situation. My main concern is how hurt her kids are going to be! You're like a father to them...
It sounds to me like she's hitting the panic stage. I'm very familiar with this. It's the result of bad relationships and fear... We hit the "panic button" whenever things seem too serious. It's her problem that has become yours because your emotions are invested in it.
She f***ed up. She should have taken the time to heal from her previous relationship (ex-hubby). She shouldn't have gotten her kids involved until both you and her were on the same page. It sounds to me like she needs time and space to be on her own. She delved into a relationship before she was ready. It's nothing personal, but it will hurt... ALOT.
My advice: sit down with her. Listen to her concerns, which you seem to be doing very well (she's a lucky woman). Ask her what she wants... try to keep your conversation solution oriented... figure something out together. You two need to find a solution that 1) gives her time to "get over" her husband and be emotionally available (from what I can tell this is a one-sided relationship, you're giving your all and she's distant) 2) is the least painful as possible for the kids who have obviously not only gotten used to your company but have come to treasure it.. 3) doesn't result in heart break for you (or anyone else)...
I hope this helps... I truely hope your relationship works out... | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 7/4/2009 3:36:17 AM | Hi there..to me it just sounds like she is afraid of any kind of pressure. You said her ex was controlling?, well this is one of the side effects of that. She was content and happy until you started asking for definites and then her ex's shadow fell over her. A control freak usually spends a lot of time making demands and ensuring that she is seeing, living, breathing only them. Men like this suck the life out of a girl (there are many women like this too) and take away their individuality which she is probably still trying to regain.
Just relax and take things as they are. She knows its a relationship, you know it is so don't try so hard to define it. | |
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| Fell in LOVE TOO FAST - now peddling backwards?
Posted: 7/4/2009 4:27:19 AM | I can't give you any answers but she needs to consider the impact her relationship will have on her children. From what you've said these children have already formed an attachment to you and she needs to be clear in her own mind about what she wants before involving her kids. If she didn't want a serious relationship from the beginning then she should never have allowed her children to form one with you.
I know, this is not helpful but I feel for you and these children. The upside is that at least these children are now aware that not every man is like their father. (deadbeat dad)
Good luck. | |
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