| can we change somebody
Posted: 8/25/2007 3:02:25 PM | | When you date someone you should accept and love them for all that they are. You shouldn’t try to consciously change them because then they wouldn’t be themselves (and they would undoubtedly be uncomfortable with that) and not the person you fell in love with. That been said, love is change. It is like when hydrogen and oxygen combine to become water. However, that happens on a subconscious level and when that happens both individuals change for the sake of the other. However, it is subconscious again. If you force him to change something simply because you don’t like it then he’ll probably tell you where to go and quite rightly too! | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 8/26/2007 8:46:11 AM | | there were some guys I met who I wished I could change into pumkins... so I could escape back to my car and get the heck outta there ! | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 8/26/2007 8:55:07 AM | | Frogs don't turn into prince's, no matter how many times you kiss them . After awhile all you get is a mean two-step on the lily pad ! :) | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 9/7/2007 2:38:07 PM | | If you feel the need to change someone, change them for someone else. Has nobody heard the saying 'warts an all'. Love someone for who they are not what you want them to be. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 9/7/2007 5:19:30 PM | | If they wanted to change that thing, or were willing to change that thing, before they met you, then I would say, yes. If they had no intention of changing that particular thing, or didn't want to change at all, then no. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 9/9/2007 7:31:48 PM | Life taught me that the only thing I can control/change is me, and my reactions to things. You will figure that out too.
Sherry | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 11/22/2007 10:51:10 PM | | hon, seriously...he shouldnt have to change for you, and you shouldnt want him to....he just isn't the one for you apparently. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 11/22/2007 10:59:30 PM | Most likely no you will not change anyone, they can only change themselves if they wanted to, most of the time they don't think what you think is a problem is a problem for them. The only thing you will change is yourself. Why would you want to date someone you want to change?
travel | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 11/22/2007 11:17:27 PM | | You can't or shall I say shouldn't go into something with someone that you want to change. If over time they exhibit actions or feelings that you dislike thats one thing but if you meet this a certain way it's unrealistic to even attempt to change them. Think if the shoe were on the other foot how you'd feel and then you have your answer. One has to want to change on their own for themself and in their own time | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 11/22/2007 11:23:48 PM | | someone will only change if they want to.not if you ask him /her nag her etc itll only make them dig their heels in more.i dont think youll get dumped for the odd mention of pet hates and stuff from time to time though. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 11/23/2007 1:25:30 AM | Let me see.
If you love him and he doesnt love you and treats you like dirt? Well no! There's no way you can get him to love you no matter how well you treatt him.
If he loves you and you treat him like dirt. Err yes! He will eventually stop loving you. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 11/23/2007 5:10:40 AM | It will depend on what you want to change, whether he considers it needs changing, whether you want to lessen "it", just get him to do it in "his" time or stamp it out entirely as well as how open to the suggestion of change you have been when he has voiced a dislike as nobody likes a one way relationship (unless theyre desperate of course) plus many other factors
A good question in return tho is why you are with someone you feel the need to change rather than waiting for someone to come along who you could accept "as is" as that often seems like a sign of our macdonalds culture mentality of taking whats on offer now and trying to turn it into what we would have REALLY liked to have had but couldnt be bothered waiting for..... | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 11/23/2007 5:39:14 AM | | That would all depend on what you wanted him to change. Some people you just can't change. If he really cared he might change it for you. But a lot of guys won't change same with chicks. I'm someone who would never change for anyone no matter what. They have to accept me for who I am just like I accept them for who they are without asking them to change. What you get is what you see. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 11/23/2007 5:46:05 AM | But lela, thats a commonly used but nonsensical statement really
<div class="quote"> If he really cared he might change it for you
But if YOU really liked HIM then you would equally accept its part of him wouldnt ya?
So it cuts both ways really, except when the roles are reversed many who would use the "if you really loved me you'd change" line to get someone ELSE to change will then turn around and say "if you loved me you'd accept me as I am and NOT try to change me" when the shoe is on the other foot
Nobody likes inequality in a relationship nor the "I'm a likkle princess" type of entitlement mentality
And at a brass tacks level, if you need someone to change especially early on in a relationship then youre with the wrong person and should stop being so flippin lazy and wait for someone you ARE well suited for and vice versa
This kind of thing, especially when they arent as willing to change as they expect a partner to be is often the first hint you get that youre dating a control freak
And over time they want more and more and larger and larger things changed to suit them, with them not being willing to change a thing to meet you half way | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 11/23/2007 6:00:13 AM | | Your a little confussed by what i meant. You got it totally wrong by the way what I meant by it. I'm just not going into a lot of detail to save a lot of typing time. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 11/23/2007 6:10:31 AM | I cant really see how "if he cared he might change" is very vague really
But if you meant something totally different to someone changing because they like someone, or whether they change or not proving whether they care or not then maybe you should have written that instead of what you did write, as we only have whats written to respond to rather than what someone "actually" meant | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 11/23/2007 6:26:03 AM | | Oh muffin, maybe I don't like to type a lot of stuff. Its pretty straight forward what it meant. Its only if the dude/chick wants to change it. But most won't. No need to explain everything said. If so then people should be able to put 2 and 2 together. I say they have to care a lot about someone to willingly change themselves for the other. Something I never do but eh sure theres people who would. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 11/23/2007 6:30:47 AM | | I think I have finally come to understand that you can't change someone. Sometimes, if it's a minor thing, you can suggest, but it's up to them to change it. I thought I needed to change the man I'm in love with to make him fit what I thought I wanted. After coming thisclose to losing him compleltely, I realize that I don't want or need him to change. I accept him exactly as he is and love him for the person he is. Change and control are very closely related. I don't want to change him now or control him; I just want to love him. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 11/23/2007 6:34:09 AM | Well sometimes people will also change simply because we are often unaware of our own foibles so even a stranger we dont care about pointing it out will trigger a change if the person is self aware enough to take the criticism at face value
As for people putting 2 and 2 together, thats what I did, then you claimed it wasnt what you meant lol
But people shouldnt be able to read your mind and figure out something that doesnt seem even closely related to what you type tho really, thats expecting too much
But if you cant be bothered to type much thats fine, but its finer if you also remember that rather than shifting the blame for not "getting" the overly condensed vagueries onto the reader because as I said, what you types WAS clear, totally so
I just expanded it to an example where that exact same mentality and assumption is an extremely negative trait in a person as well as being a very one sided and negative one | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 11/23/2007 6:46:19 AM | Only if he wants to change, and only then. If he realizes that he doesn't like these things about himself, once you bring it to his attention, will he change.
You can not change someone. You can make them aware of things, but if a person doesn't want to change they won't.
I always say, I am not here to change anyone and don't want to. Yes, I may bring out certain qualities inside them that they knew were there, but didn't know how to bring out, but change someone, that's not my job. I can only change myself. That's all I have total control over.
If you can't accept certain things about someone then that person is not for you, time to move on. I am sure you have heard the expression "you can not change a leopard's spots" so don't kill yourself trying, it's useless. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 11/23/2007 7:18:24 AM | | What? What you just said makes no sence by the way. You lost me at the start of that one. Just don't attack me because I have a different view. I'm not attacking others so don't anyone dare attack me. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 11/23/2007 7:30:07 AM | if it's something small that doesn't matter to him much, then maybe.. if you're wanting to change an integral part of who he is, then no, i don't think you can (or should) ask him to change.. even if he agreed to try to change and was able to succeed *for you*, there'd probably be bitterness/resentment over time and the relationship wouldn't last any way.
best thing to do is find someone you actually like for who they are, not who you think you could make them into ( - not saying "you" to you, op.. just in general terms..) | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 11/23/2007 8:08:36 AM | You certainly CAN change somebody. There are several ways:
1. Waterboarding
2. Diapers
3. Swapping one for th'other
That's essentially it. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 11/23/2007 8:51:57 AM | It's interesting how the same topics crop up here in the forums from time to time. I know I've responded to another thread on this same subject but I went back & checked and I couldn't find where I had posted to this one.
This is a topic that really hits home with me. You see I was married for 30 yrs to a wonderful lady who I met in high school. We immediately fell in love, went together all through high school and got married. We had a wonderful marriage for 20 yrs ... looking back there's nothing I would have changed. We were blessed with 2 of the greatest children any parents could ever pray for.
The something happened. Not sure exactly when the change began but I suspect it may have started as our children started to grow up and move out & on to their own lives. I think my wife got bored & started to look for something to rplace all of our daughter's dance recitals & cheerleading practics. She searched from something to replace our son's summer baseball tournaments & Friday night high school football games. What she found was a hobby ... gambling.
Oh it started out innocently enough with weekly church bingo, an occasional lottery ticket & those instant tickets at the summer church festivals. But before long ... & long before I recognized it ... her innocetn pasttime had evolved into a full blown addiction to compulsive gambling.
By the time I discovered what had happened the damage was so great we had to file for bankruptcy. But that was okay ... I knew as long as we had each other , we could overcome anything ... or at least I thought so. I soon learned that addictions are terrible, life-changing, destructive illnesses that can rob a person of everything ... their logic, their self-control, their dignity, their career, their friends & family & in the worst cases ... even their life. In my wife's case it robbed her of all of these except her life ... but that is only because she has failed in 3 separate suicide attempts.
Getting back to the original topic: I invested 5 yrs (24/7) trying to help my wife. I learned all I could about addictions in general & compulisve gambling specifically. I built relationships with some of the leading researchers in the field of scientific research on this disorder. I enrolled her in treatment plan after treatment plan with one goal in mind ... to change her back into the loving, caring, honest person I had first met, fell in love with & married so many years ago.
But nothing worked. In fact things continued to spiral downward. She eventually got co-addicted to alcohol so not only was she gambling out of control but she was so intoxicated most of the time she wasn't gamlbing that you couldn't even talk to her. So I did what was best for both of us ... I insisted on a separation with the hope that once we were apart she would recognize everything that her addictions was destrying and commit to recovery. Instead she saw our separation as an opportunity to embrace her addictions even more.
After 5 yrs of living separately ... I awoke 1 morning with the acceptance that my wife was never going to change & I was powerless over her addictions so I filed for a divorce. Of couse her addcitions motivated her to react with anger & our divorce was a long and difficult one.
The point of sharing this with everyone is to show that regarless of how good your intentions are, regardless of whether the change in your loved one is for the bset or not ... you NEVER have any power to change another person. Only they can decided to change their life ... only they can commit to a life-altering action.
Sorry about the length of this post but I felt it was necessary to make my point.
Gary | |
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