errnst
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Joined: 3/21/2005
Msg: 51 | |
| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 3:59:13 AM | It is amazing.... i say to women when i meet them, 'i do what i want' and 'dont even think about changing me' and 'if you want me, then want me, not the guy you want me to be.'
they usually agree, with the philosophy, at least in my face, but it is pretty rare that a long term lover does not start meddling with my life in a way that i was sure i told them not to if they want to keep me.
Love is about unconditional acceptance, if someone is gonna change permanently, it has to be a change that is wanted by the self, not the others in the person's life
It is tough enough to change yourself, to try to change others is a nightmare.
In summary , i dont think it is fair, reasonable or even sane to try and change a lover, | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 9:42:58 AM | | Something to ponder. You fall in love with someone. You decide to change them. You seems to have been successful. Then they aren't the person you fell in love with. What then? Move on the someone else you want to change? | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 9:47:27 AM | | IMO (and experience) we can only change ourselves and our reaction to other people. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 9:49:16 AM | k...so here is a male perspective on this subject...guys get together with a women hoping that they never change and women get with guys hoping they will change...why is that | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 9:58:54 AM | Why would you want to change someone if you were attracted to him in the first place? Seems to me you accept someone as they are...that's what made you like them in the first place...when you try to change someone...it is not them anymore...just my opinion tho...
~Micheline~ | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 10:24:07 AM | Back to some years ago when I was married, can't tell you how miserable I was and how much I hated my ex. At the time I thought we were two different people from two different planets somehow being set up for punishment. He disliked everything I liked, though I was the one who compromised. Most of our vacation plans were visiting museums in Canada, France, England...you name it. During summer time (5 years in a row), we drove a long way to US for his workshops teaching oil painting. I was sitting with a blank face in the studio 9 to 5 with his students all the time. Before we'd met, I never liked museums or interested in art. Amazingly over the years, I've taken up everything that I hated in the first place. And now, art is in fact part of my life as it's so important to me.
Our marriage was a total failure, he might not qualified as a good husband or lover, but he did open my eyes and bring out the best in me. People do change for good partners or good reasons. We just don't realize the influence that may benefit us at the time. After all, I feel grateful to my ex, my suffering paid off very well indeed. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 11:11:23 AM | Who on the Earth would like to change someone into something they either are not aware of or are not made of?!
If the major traits are appealing and got you together in first place, that's what matters most. The little imperfections - everybody has them and they should not become priorities otherwise honestly you can call it a day, trying to tackle them.
IMHO if people focus on positive qualities rather than negative ones, as time passes by these little imperfect 'freckles' disappear on their own accord. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 12:14:03 PM | "Who on the Earth would like to change someone into something they either are not aware of or are not made of?!"
Parents, teachers, preachers, politicians, cops, judges, your neighbor if you are loud like me sometimes..... Girlfriends, boyfriends. Sometimes friends, though to a lesser degree. I like the saying, "Friends are God's way of saying he/she's sorry for your parents." | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 12:51:31 PM | don t ever try to change some one if there that way for a rezan for maybe something in the the past if they love you thell do it on there time | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 1:09:23 PM | | Don;t try to change anybody for you. They will resent you later for it. You have to like them them the way the are or find somebody else who fits the bill. . | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 1:19:24 PM | Ask yourself this: Is it my deepest desire to find someone who wants to change me?
The only person you can change is yourself. Focus on being the best you can be, and search for someone with the same desire. You'll work the rest out together. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 1:28:23 PM | Consider yourself lucky if you can get them to change their socks. I believe that what you see is what you get. If he's an alcoholic - he'll stay an alcoholic, if he's abusive - he'll stay abusive, if he's gay - well, you get the point. People have to want to change for themselves. If the change you're looking for isn't as deep seated as some of the other issues I see women trying to "change" in a man then go ahead and ask him if he would mind changing. He may see it as a positive thing in his life and decide to do it - for himself.
Most of the time, when people change for someone else it is relatively short lived. Besides, I find it funny that people who want to change others think they know what's best for others. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 1:29:04 PM | again the blow torches abound, what to you want to change? his clothes, his bed moves, sometimes its just communication.
Get dumped? sure its possible, but when isn't it? | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 1:45:42 PM | I know others are saying this, but the answer is you should not try. You should accept him the way he is. Is this about unhealthy habits? If so, try to encourage your s/o to live healthier, but don't badger. Reinforce that you care about them and their physical well being.  | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 3:12:50 PM | I have learned that, basically, we are who we are. In my previous marriage I would address things with my husband I wanted changed (like him initiating a hug and saying "I love you" every once in a while), and he would step up to the plate for a few weeks, but always go back to being who he is. When meeting a new man now, if there are things about him that I feel do not suit me, I move on.
Gee, wonder why I'm still on my own? | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 4:03:17 PM | | No. Believe me, I tried that with my ex. Never did work. And I stayed wayyyyyyy too long trying. You gotta either accept him the way he is, or move on. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 5:20:09 PM | I guess it's possible and you can. I'd only wonder why would you want to?
I don't like thinking people are changing something just for me, BLEK!! No thanks, I like being me, just as I am, like it lump it, stick around and have fun or move on. I tend to like and appreciate people the most when they're comfortable enought to be their true self, and I can enjoy that. Anything else is just a waste of time. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 5:28:13 PM | | People go on Dr. Phil complaining they don't like something about their loved one and want them to 'change'. He doesn't tell them to accept them the way they are. Most people CAN use some improving. He even tells the people who were brought there, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge"....trying to HELP them change. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 5:28:38 PM | i saw a great quote once:
"consider how hard it is to change yourself, and you will have a much better understanding of your chances of changing someone else"
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 5:30:34 PM | | You shouldnt try and change anyone,if its something that annoys you that much that you would feel you need to change him then maybe you shouldnt be with him.Would you change for him???Either accept him for who he is or move on ... | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 5:36:37 PM | It is way too much to ask. If someone wanted me to change I'd say "Listen....this is how I was when you met me.....like it or f**k off!"
You can make comments and if that person agrees that you're right and they would look better with different clothes, less kilos, or something material. If I was with a guy who said "that haircut would look good on you" and I agreed, I would probably go get it, but if its personality traits or lifestyle changes you want to make to him, forget it. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 6:31:38 PM | | I wouldn't have much respect for someone who tried to change me, i am who i am, take me or leave me. Nobody is perfect, you have to look past the flaws and imperfections sometimes and realize their good qualities. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/22/2006 6:33:15 PM | Agree changing & modifying behaviour to please a partner is a slippery slope. You do need to be yourself and be aware whether you are changing any aspect of who you are just to please your partner or not get on their nerves. I didn't realise but as my ex-wife became more unreasonable in her views of the world I adjusted my life so that we didnt rub each other up the wrong way. Worked for a time until I woke up and realised I had made my miserable by not being me LOL.
The key is compatibility so that day-to-day living is easy, then your energy can be put into to be creative in the relationship instead of fire fighting. | |
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