| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/23/2006 5:00:33 AM | | Many people are saying that we should just accept someone as they are. There is the mention of "unconditional love" and the "perfect match". In reality, when two human beings try living together day to day, the reality is a wee bit different. As for the perfect match, in my view, it simply does not exist. Perhaps we can come close, but as there is no perfect human being, there is no perfect match. There will always be something about the other person that is less than ideal, but that doesn't mean the relationship cannot flourish, with communication and goodwill, and COMPROMISE. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/23/2006 5:04:35 AM | | I think the song goes "shoes don't stretch and men don't change" | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/23/2006 5:09:54 AM | Exactly.
If each person insists on doing things THEIR own way, there's going to be conflict. It's stubborn and selfish not to consider the other's wishes. Just because you've 'always' done it that way doesn't mean it can't be done better. We need to be open minded and listen to the other's ideas. You can love the person, but it doesn't mean you should have to 'put up with' things they don't like. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/23/2006 7:03:01 AM | | Can someone else please find yet another way to say the same thing? It was dead and buried a long time ago - I'm just hoping I'm the last post. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/25/2006 12:22:39 PM | | Ask yourself this, if he wanted to change something about you, would you let him? As for me, I'm very happy with the way I am and wouldn't change for anyone. If a guy wanted me to change that would end things for me. If he's not happy with the way I am he's not worth it. Besides, what if he didn't want to stop at one thing? It may be that I'm uncomfortable with PDA's, but if I change that next week it could be the way I dress, then the way I cut my hair then the way my nose looks, then the size of my boobs. If I constantly change to be who he wants me to be I'm no longer myself, and that's not cool at all. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/25/2006 1:32:56 PM | I have to disagree that there aren't things such as unconditional love and the perfect match.
I was in a marriage that fit both of these standards as much as I needed them too. Did he leave his socks on the bedroom floor? He sure did. Did it have any importance to me? Sure I would have been easier if he didn't. I knew that I had something rare in our relationship that far outweighted the sock issue. Was I going to make even mention the socks? No. It was far more fun when the dog stole and hide them
He had a bad habit of forgetting dentist/doctor etc. appointments. Annoyed receptionists would call me and ask me to remind him. Did I try to change this about him? Not my problem. I told the receptionists that I wasn't his mother, and that they had his phone #, call him.
Each time we took ourselves out of a controlling situation, our marriage got better. It worked for us until his death. If I am luck enough to find another mate, I will use the same approach, and trust that the other person would have enough respect to do the same.
Is anyone perfect, no, but we can change the way we deal with it. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/25/2006 1:41:21 PM | ^^^ Agreed moraima, its not about the other person's issues, its almost always about *our* reactions to them. Sometimes I think people need to learn the value of the phrase "lighten up!". People get divorced because their partner leaves the damn cap off the toothpaste all the time, I mean ffs, if you can't accept that and even laugh at it, I think you're going to be doomed in a relationship (and maybe some light-hearted ribbing on it occasionally, I've learned the most valuable thing sometimes is being able to laugh at *yourself*)...
Quit expecting perfection, and find someone that you can be with and laugh at the silly little things that happen, and at *yourself* sometimes. We're all just human. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/25/2006 1:42:09 PM | I'm glad we can't change anyone, because then my work would NEVER be done.  | |
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*I*
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Joined: 11/20/2004
Msg: 111 | |
| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/25/2006 1:49:00 PM | | words told to me and now I'm living by..."if you met someone and there is one thing you want to change (that you can't live with) he's not the guy for you". So the bottom line is no you can't, and don't kill yourself trying either,.. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 6/25/2006 1:50:22 PM | One of my favorite sayings:
Men marry women hoping that the woman will never change.
Women marry men hoping to change them.
They are both, invariably, disappointed. | |
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| can we change somebody?
Posted: 6/25/2006 2:26:50 PM | There is a song that advocated that we not "ALTER OR AUGMENT" those in our lives. That said, it is healthy to communicate and encourage growth. We all have traits that are not well developed. Endeavoring to help those in our lives to grow is more than fair game. Also, if it is not working, let go... it may be painful, but in the long run better for everyone.
FYI: I met someone a year after separating (still married). We hit it off... everything was great. But she wanted babies and that was not something I could get involved with. After the second date I ended it... could have easily played her for years... and it hurt... a lot... but she soon found her man and should have babies by now. I take great comfort in knowing that I stood aside for the health and welfare of that couple.
I met someone that was interested in a transitional relationship. It was very strange for me at the time, but in retrospect what we needed. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 7/6/2006 7:37:10 PM | Sadly i seem to disagree with most of the people posting on this topic . YES you can change somone you love ... but do you really want to?
changing somone without thier knowledge/consent is ALWAYS a bad thing no matter what you are changing.
You must remember every change you succesfully make causes a miriad of other changes most of which you do not expect...or even want.
The bottom line here is .. If you change them they are not the person they were.
the other question this begs is ... why not change yourself to accept whatever it is? unless its something that causes harm to others that you want to change... then you need to wonder why your involved in the first place.
If you want something to change .. sit down with him her and discuss it. Where things go from thewre is up to both of you :?)
Yes i recognize that there are situations/circumstances etc where this | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 7/6/2006 7:57:52 PM | Nope and as the song say's Shoes Don't Strech And Men Don't Change  | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 7/6/2006 8:03:57 PM | Nope..and really, why would you want to? If you can't accept someone for who they are, warts and all..then perhaps they're just not the one truly meant for you?  | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 7/6/2006 8:24:49 PM | | Some bad habits DO need to be changed, including being late and irresponsible. Many doctors and dentists charge for no-shows. If my spouse doesn't show for his appointment, that's money out of OUR pocket. The same for paying bills late and incurring fees. Money out of OUR pocket and a damaged credit rating. I don't believe in the "anything goes" philosophy. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 7/6/2006 8:31:05 PM | Take it from a girl with experience... it is possible to ASK or SUGGEST that a man change his ways for you.... however.... it won't stick if he does do it for that reason. If he dous it for you it may bite you in the butt later on if he resents you for not allowing him to be himself. HOWEVER, if he makes the change for himself... nothing but good can prosper from that. Wanting to change someone, may in fact be in indicator that you don't need to be in that relationship. well unless its like he needs to take more showers or something.... that can be changed...LOL... okay now I'm rambling and probably didn't answer your question sorry.... | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 7/6/2006 8:35:51 PM | | Obviously, if we want someone to change, it's for the better, not worse. If someone doesn't want to improve themself for the good of the relationship, that's being stubborn. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 7/6/2006 8:46:00 PM | You can force change but it will probably end badly because unless it is something piddly, you are forcing a person to be someone they are not and eventually it will cause no end of problems and resentment. Trust me I know this first hand. I had a relationship with a woman who after she moved in with me, started changing everything about be and like a dummy I went along with it for a while but eventually I had enough and I walked out. Not soon enough unfortunately... I lost everything I had just to get rid of her...
So yeah you can try and change people, but it is NOT a good idea...
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 7/6/2006 9:07:24 PM | Excuse my maudlin moment but this thread has really made me appreciate a lot of you regulars. We may disagree at times but I love you all.
To answer the question: try to minimize changing anyone. Try to change your self first and them second. | |
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 1/6/2007 4:11:21 PM | You can't change anyone no matter how much you want to
God Grant me the Serenity To Accept the things I can not change (others)
Courage to change the things I can (me and only me and how I act my behaviours)
And the wisdom to know the difference | |
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*Illsa
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Joined: 10/10/2006
Msg: 124 | |
| can we change somebody
Posted: 1/6/2007 4:35:24 PM | Can we change somebody?...Why would you want to?...I would say No! don't even try...if you must change something...change something about yourself!
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| can we change somebody
Posted: 1/6/2007 4:51:47 PM | | You can probably only get people to change.....their underwear.....hmmmm, personalities....habits....etc.....likely are not going to be changed...unless of course the person who, ' you wanna change ' ... wants to change..... | |
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