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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/16/2008 9:38:16 AM | Wear your rings as long as you need to, but do get counselling if months start to stretch into years, and people close to you tell you that you seem "stuck."...because those people don't generally have an "agenda", and they want the best for you.
And please don't start to date anyone much before three years have elapsed. AngelicBlonde is correct when she says it is not fair to the widow or widower who hasn't moved on, or the person he or she is dating....
Live people can never complete with "memories" or a "ghost", and shouldn't have to! | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/16/2008 4:58:40 PM |
You are right, he does not need to date as it sounds like he and his wife were really married.
I don't understand some of the statements that have been made in this forum. I had a Mother, Father, Grandmothers, Grandfathers, two children and a husband who have died.
These people were part of my life, they were my family, I loved them and and their presence in my life. They influenced who I am today.
Does that mean I can't ever talk about them to you? without you feeling uncomfortable, insecure or threatened? How can any of you make a decision for me
( or anyone) on how I should live the balance of my life? and with whom?Because my Mom has passed, does that mean she is no longer my Mom? Because my husband passed away, does that mean he wasn't my husband? Do people who have not experienced the loss of a spouse, look on widows/widowers as lepers? Do you really think that we no longer require the love of a family, the love of a spouse or the company of others around us because we had the bad luck of losing them through death? Are you saying I don't deserve to have the love of a man in my life again? I shouldn't mention his name or relate an event from my past, to you?
This forum is about wearing or not wearing a ring. I wear my Mom's ring. Should I throw it in a drawer? I wear my wedding ring on my right hand. Should I toss it in a drawer? Wearing a ring is not the issue, the way I see it. The issue is people who have not lost a spouse haven't got a clue. But, if you have lost a loved one, anybody not just a spouse and if I were to meet you and tell you not to "ever talk about them" with me, you'd tell me to go to blazes.
At our age folks, we're going to experience the loss of our loved ones and if we're going to be expected to pretend to a potential date that these people didn't exist because we might make them uncomfortable, then that is their problem, not mine. They would be merely showing me that relationships to them are disposable and upon death to be forgotten. How insecure and insensitive. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/16/2008 8:37:59 PM | I wear my husband's band on the middle finger of my right hand, and I bought a ring to compliment it on the 1 year anniversary of his passing. I will probably wear those 2 rings forever.
I have been seeing a widower lately and encourage him to talk about his wife. She was very much a part of his life as my husband was in mine. She's gone, she's not a threat any more. Why were you so quick to not listen to him? Hearing about her would have given you tremendous insight into how he will treat the next woman he falls in love with. Allow him to mourn her and move at his own pace.
I may lean toward dating widowers because they "get" where I am and I find comfort being with someone in the same boat. And if it was a happy marriage, they already understand what it took to have it. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/18/2008 5:29:37 AM | As I was reading the posts, regarding "late wife" and "rings" ~ I think Phoebe48 has said it very eloquently regarding the rings, it was beautiful Phoebe. As I was reading her comments I was thinking of how I refer to my immediate family members that have passed on. My mom, dad, husband, and brother. I don't refer to my mom or dad or brother as "my late mom", "my late brother", or "my late dad". In conversation with someone who is aware that my husband has died, I don't refer to him as "my late husband". I say either my husband or I say his name.
In the post by bcsofnc57, I believe to continue correcting a man by saying "your late wife" is immature, cruel, and may have some jealously. Yes, jealously over perhaps not being able to fill loved ones shoes. Believe me, he is well aware that she is "his late wife", and to repeat it over and over in conversation is redundant. He may not change his reference to her until he takes another wife, then the shrine to her will go and new memories of a new life and wife will begin. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/18/2008 4:13:10 PM | | rdcnorm, I do not recall naming any names. I am just making a generalization from observations of my own. You will never know what it is like to compete with the dead, because you are a widower. I am speaking from a outside woman trying to overcome a widowers thought that he can hang onto a dead wife, and still have a real relationship with a living woman. Not too many women would go for that. They want to be the center of attention. NOt always having the dead wife thrown in their face. Again, I am speaking from my experiences. And why I will not date a widower. Not about all widowers. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/18/2008 4:22:19 PM | I wore mine for over a year, but only because it got too small. I would still be wearing it if I could and it has been 6 years since my husband passed away. I cannot get it sized because it has Hebrew writing on it. I might see if I can get a jeweler to stretch it.
Wear it as long as your heart tells you to. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/18/2008 4:48:56 PM | | hi my husband died 3 years ago i only stopped wearing my ring this year because it got too tight for me to keep on my finger if your happy wearing it keep it on otherwise take it off when ever your ready too | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/18/2008 4:55:16 PM | | Navy...just by you stating you don't want to "compete with the dead" is such an insensitive and totally insecure statement...they were the people we loved and were fotunate enough to have them even if for a short time...are you going to tell me YOU HAVE NEVER SPOKEN OBOUT AN EX? ....the guy is better off without an insecure woman like you...may you never have to experience such pain | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/18/2008 5:10:03 PM | I am speaking from a outside woman trying to overcome a widowers thought that he can hang onto a dead wife, and still have a real relationship with a living woman. Not too many women would go for that. They want to be the center of attention. NOT always having the dead wife thrown in their face.
I WILL speak for myself. As a self- confident woman, I don't feel threatened because a man has an ex-wife, ex-girlfriend or a deceased spouse. Neither do I feel threatened, if a man wants to discuss or relate his experiences in his previous relationship/s. Because it helps me understand what has brought him to this point in his life.
I do not need to be the center of attention. I've learned that the " giving and receiving of attention" by BOTH partners will result in a successful relationship.
If a widow or widower are still wearing their wedding band, I'll wager that when they meet a special person, someone they want to go forward in life with, they will either move or remove their ring. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/19/2008 9:15:44 AM | I've been widowed almost 6 yrs now and I only wore it for a few months after his passing. I realized it brought fresh grief to see it all the time and realized that I wasn't truly married anymore. My sons were 9 at the time and they didn't have a problem with me taking them off (they're safe in my jewelry box). I wore his plain gold band for quite a while as a thumb ring but when I was really ready to date (about 3 1/4 yrs after his passing) I put that away too.
I have to agree with the thought that widowed people who continue to wear their wedding rings on their left ring finger are not really ready to move on - JMHO.
We all have memories at our age of past relationships- whether we are widowed or divorced. To expect someone to never bring up a past relationship is too much. I've had one relationship since my husband died and I encouraged him to talk about his ex wife - just so I could understand him a bit better.
AFter growing up and spending 23 yrs with my husband (age 17-41), I wouldn't be the person I am today without having had him in my life. I've never consciously compared other men to him although I have learned that I prefer a lot of the personality traits that my husband had but only because they're great traits to have.
Navy....Of all of the men I've dated, not one has referred to him as 'my late husband' but once or twice. I never refer to him that way. I've only had one husband, so unless I have to differentiate between an ex husband/current husband or dead
husband, its redundant in my eyes. When I say husband, everyone knows who I mean-I don't have to clarify it further. Also, its no worse to date a widower who hasn't moved on than it is to date a divorced man who hasn't moved on. They both need to totally finish grieving before they're ready to move on.
HR | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/19/2008 10:13:27 AM | happyrebel - You got it exactly right. Talking about past loves, be they divorced or widowed, gives insight into the person.
I recently met a truly sweet man whose wife passed away not long ago, and he still has his ring on. I mentioned it - and he said that it was connection to his wife. He said it with no hesitation. When I thought about his answer later that evening, I realized what a sincere man he is. My initial apprehension about meeting someone so recently widowed was erased. He was much more open than some that have been divorced many years. He made no secret of his love for his wife, and his children.
At this point, he is looking for friends. Someone to talk to and enjoy. He admits to having some days that are better than others. His honesty and candor are refreshing. His emotions and humility are wonderful.
I'd rather have him as a friend or more wearing the ring than not. As you say, he will heal as he needs to. The ring should and will always be a reminder of the love they shared and the life they created together. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/19/2008 10:18:55 AM | Keep it on for as long as you like. If I was with you, it wouldn't bother me in the least if you kept it on until you died (or me. lol). Actually, it would bother me if you did take it off. "Are you ready to do that?" would be my first question. While I might give her a ring, I would put it on her right hand.
I love my kids, and I sure wouldn't stop carrying their pictures for anything. Why would you do it for any beloved? | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/19/2008 10:46:56 AM | 7 months is a very short period of time. i hope you have joined a bereavement group or a singles group that is getting prepared to enter a dating world, for a variety of reasons be it death or divorce or some other unforseen situation. many bereavement groups can be filled with older people who are not looking to date/mate again, so it will depend on your area as to what group offers you not only solace, but some hope and social contact in the meanwhile.
there are many options and you do what you feel you need to do. one option not mentioned is to get a long thin necklace chain and wear the rings close to your heart while you accompany, in your mind, his journey to settling into his "new place". kind of a soul connection. if/when you are ready to move on, you can take the rings off--or just continue to wear them. many people wear lockets with pictures of loved ones or pieces of jewelry that they have inherited from parents and grandparents. so, why not a wedding ring, worn in this manner?
i myself get confused with the right hand/left hand issue. although i suppose i'd ask if someone approached me, i would just assume that a wedding ring on any finger means the person is married still. keeping it close to my heart would be more of a personal matter between me and my deceased. it would not necessarily show and in due time, i could explain my loss to someone who might prove to be another ltr. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/19/2008 12:14:27 PM | Good rule of thumb is:
1. Wearing a wedding ring - still married in the mind.
2. Empty finger - open to offers.
Some men see the wedding ring on a woman and think - wey hey bit of extras | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/19/2008 2:15:55 PM | navy,
All I can say is good for you,, don't date widowers then.. ,, I see your point,, you are the type of person Who "FEELS" a "NEED" to "COMPETE",, I won't repeat everything I have said it this forum,, but you should read my posts again,, It's not about a materials possessions,, it's whats in a widowers heart..
You will never know what it is like to compete with the dead, because you are a widower.
There is half truth in that statement, your right,, I will never know what it feels like to compete,, because I will never be in competition with someone alive or deceased,, it's not about who wins,, It might be about me for just moment, "am I good enough"..
Then it would be about, what the other person thinks of me,, and if in their eyes I'm not good enough for them,, hey I'm Ok with that.. I have nothing to prove,,
I'm not looking to take the place of someone else through competition, nor would I want to. If though I made the other persons memories fade,, (but not forgotten), because of the person I am,, then guess what,, I might be their new man/Lover in their life,, because of good moments and memories we are sharing together..
However,, this is where you statement is wrong, You suggest because I'm a widower, I wouldn't know what it is like to date a widower,, That is where you are wrong I have dated widowed woman,, "That was some assumption by the way" I have/had no issues with it at all,, mainly because I have an understanding of her pain and suffering,, I also know what it means for her to talk about her love who passed away,, I say,, I am happy that woman loved,, and sorry she lost that love to death,,
I would also know through talking with her,, what a relationship and love means, at-least in her eyes..
For me,, to want to take her love/memories away,, I would never be so insensitive and insecure with who I am, to ever want too..
I won't even comment on the rest of what you wrote,, because phoebe said this and I agree,, just change woman to man
I WILL speak for myself. As a self- confident woman, I don't feel threatened because a man has an ex-wife, ex-girlfriend or a deceased spouse. Neither do I feel threatened, if a man wants to discuss or relate his experiences in his previous relationship/s. Because it helps me understand what has brought him to this point in his life.
I do not need to be the center of attention. I've learned that the " giving and receiving of attention" by BOTH partners will result in a successful relationship.
If a widow or widower are still wearing their wedding band, I'll wager that when they meet a special person, someone they want to go forward in life with, they will either move or remove their ring.
This is an open forum,, I think though,, it's about how long we should wear our rings, Not whether you are going to date us,, so I ask you,, why are you here, trying to suggest, widowers have issues,, when you your self will not date us,, so move on to another forum,,
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:23:53 PM | rdcnorm - I mean no disrespect, but it sounds like you are taking this all very personally. This IS a public forum and talking about dating a widow(er) is relevent to the conversation. She is entitled to share her opinions and thoughts. I think you are being harsh on her. She may not have said it eliquently, but I understood where she was coming from. Telling her to move on to another forum is not called for as she is on topic.
Personally, I have recently dated a widower and after 6 months, I felt he was not ready to seriously be involved so I ended it. Some of the reasons I felt that was because of the ring issue, wedding pictures on the walls and her possessions everywhere. I didn't feel he was ready to open his heart to a new love. It was not a jealousy thing, nor an insecurity issue. We were just in different places in life.
I don't know if I would date a widower again. I think it would depend on what stage of his healing he was at. I'm not opposed to it but I will be wary of what he says because I wonder if when someone is in the healing process (whether widowed or breakup) they even know how they truly feel and they may believe they are ready when in fact signs show they are not.
Whether someone is not ready because of their spouse passing on or because of a breakup, I don't think people should seriously date until they are ready or someone ends up hurt.
As far as calling someone their late spouse. I see nothing wrong with that. What do you call them once you remarry because then you have a current spouse? Do you call them your first wife? your late wife? Comparing calling someone a "late wife" to calling someone a "late mom" seems silly to me. Not the same thing at all. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:48:24 PM | | I was widowed over 18 months ago after 31 years of marriage, and I gave our wedding rings to our children on the day of the memorial service. Initially I was going to give my husband's ring to my son, but then I thought it only appropriate to also give my ring to my daughter. It turned out to be a good way to begin to let go. However, I still sometimes fiddle with the ring that isn't there! | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:56:08 PM | mom cherie
This question was OP question..,,
Are there any widows/widowers that still wore their wedding bands
after their spouse passed and if you did, for how long?
I seem to have a hard time taking mine off but it has only been
7 months
I don't think anywhere in that question it's asked would you or would you not date a widower..
I do agree Navy has a right to her opinion, then again so do I,, and If I don't agree,, I have my right to say what I think as well,, and if I think or feel they are heartless or uncaring, even self centered, by her making such outrageous statement I will say something.. and in my opinion, she is an *ss... Yes I do have a right to take it personality...
I think you are being harsh on her. She may not have said it eliquently
I have to ask you then,, how could a comment like this have been said elegantly when she speaks the truth in her own mind... also how can she use the words
"a lot widowers",, when she only was involved with one widower..But I think she is selfish and only thinks of her self,, just by remakes she makes..like this one below..
but a lot of widowers make their deceases spouses into some kind of saint ( although talking to their kids I found that not to be the case) they don't want to remember the bad times (its disrespectful in their eyes). So, how do you compete with a ghost? You can't. At least with a living ,breathing ex. you can point out all the person's faults without getting clobbered with "I don't want to speak ill of the dead" OFten times giving them more respect dead than they ever deserved alive. If a widower can't put his ring away. THen there is no room for you. Because he can't give up the dead.
As far as calling someone their late spouse. I see nothing wrong with that. What do you call them once you remarry because then you have a current spouse?
That answer is easy,, I have a brother who passed away,, I don't call him my late brother, nor do my friends,, they call him Raymond,, we all Know he is dead,, so why add a title before his name.. As for My wife who passed away,, my friends talk of her as Penny,, and my dates talk of her as Penny as well,, we all know she has passed away,, therefore why add a title before her name.. lets add a twist, if you haven't thought about this,, But I'll use me as an example,,
If and when I meet someone and I get serious,, the woman I'm involved with, should be able and comfortable calling my late wife "Penny",,, ,, I have a little boy,, and Penny will not be referred to as my late spouse,, but rather, My sons Mom who is in heaven and her name is Penny, so any conversations about her will be directed that way..
I do agree with on this,, It doesn't matter if your divorced, widowed or just single getting out of a relationship.. in all those situation , people need time to heal..
I will also say, in some cases a person my think they are ready and able to move on,, yet are not.. But not all,, in the same token, if someone were to get involved with anyone who hasn't moved through that healing process,, it's important for the other person to recognize those signs like you did,, It's to bad you couldn't see those signs before the 6 mo.. clearly evident by what you said.. It's nice to hear you didn't bash this guy or all widowers just because of one experience,,
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/19/2008 8:31:47 PM | I feel that threads don't always stay "exactly" on the subject and threads grow to related subjects. Makes for good threads in my opinion.
That is good, to call her Penny and your son's Mom. That works in some situations, I suppose. What about when you are making small talk with other people when with a current spouse? Just curious so I know how to handle these sorts of things in social situations. Learning here.
From reading up on relationships with widow(ers) much of the concerns she mentioned came up in the stuff I read. She just did not say it gracefully.
The reasons it took six months for me are complicated. This was a long distance thing too so we didn't spend enough time together to see all the signs. I didn't see his home until 4 months into the relationship since he lived in another city. Also, we talked on the phone daily and he was always chipper (looking back, I think it was fake (not intentionally, more of a way to cope for him) and he did a lot of convincing that he was ready. Almost too much convincing really. Like trying to convince himself. I also didn't think it was right to be involved with his child if it turns out to be a rebound thing for him. Children get attached and his child was getting pretty attached to me (could have been a replacing mom thing as she is young, I don't really know as I'm not qualified to say) and I couldn't do that to a child. I have nothing bad to say about him. He's a wonderful person and the door is not even completely closed. We've left the option open to look at this down the road if we both are not seeing someone when he is healed. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/19/2008 9:24:11 PM |
That is good, to call her Penny and your son's Mom. That works in some situations, I suppose. What about when you are making small talk with other people when with a current spouse? Just curious so I know how to handle these sorts of things in social situations. Learning here.
Nothing I tell you will work, if you feel you are in competition.. or if you feel like your second best,, if those feeling don't exist in you,,
Then view it this way,,through this story
I went to a snowmobile party in Feb, At this party were friends of mine for over 30+ years, I introduced Penny to my same friends over 20 yrs ago..She went to most of these parties in the past. All of my friends talk of Penny as if she has never left this earth,, even though they are well aware she is dead. They talk as if she just couldn't make this party,,Two of those friends, were in our wedding,, matter of fact every guy that was in my wedding carried her casket..
How do we/I handle this with a date or a new significant other.. well at this party,, I had a date,, she was well aware of my past,, and my friends,, I knew dam well Penny's name would come up,, as it always does... My friends open their arms to any woman that they meet, so she feels welcome,, they are sincere,, because they want me to be happy,, as always we all laugh and talk about old times,, my friends like to bust on me,, because we have some funny stories,, and those same stories seem to get told over and over again,, just because new people show up,, it's conversation,, old pictures get passed around,, I guess your wondering how my date felt,, she was laughing in tears, asking questions of my friends about Penny and me,, basically she had a wonderful time,, and didn't feel threatened at all.. my date could see Penny was loved by many,, not just me,, and my friends made my date feel like she was always part of the group.. .... Let me ask you this,, in the situation I just described,, how would you have handled it..???
really though everyone is different,, it's up to you either accept a widowers past, and relive it at times with him or her,, as they will and should do for you as well.. The interesting thing is,, many want us to put away our past and not speak of it.. this is justified by them believing if a widower doesn't speak of his or her loss, or their life before, then they must have forgotten it or gone through it,,
that really is a delusion for the person who is not the widower..because we will never forget.. nor will our friends,,,, yet you can't tell our friends to forget,, nor should we as widowers give up our friends because our possible new partner can't handle our past..
I am not willing to erase my past for someone new,, I am able to put that life behind me,, but still memories exist and conversations will come up.. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/20/2008 6:40:44 PM | | rdcnorm, who died and made you boss of how this forum should be run? And any of my comments were not toward any one individual. And I dated 2 widowers not 1 . A widow,widower, is not able to move on unless they put the ring away for good. Any psychologist will tell you that. ANd yes , I took 2 years of Psych in college. If a living spouse feels they have to still wear their wedding band, then that person will not be able to move on to a new relationship. I have no problem with a widower talking about their dead spouse. WHat I do have a problem with is he is still wearing his ring, pictures all over the house of her and him,her clothes and things still in the closet and sitting on the dresser. WHen a widower has that , he is not ready to move on. Even, the vows as man and wife say. Til death do us part. MEaning in death the contract is broken giving the surviving spouse permission to move on. It is up to him, whether he is ready or not. But any man or woman, that is still wearing a wedding ring, regardless of which hand it is on. Is not ready to accept another mate. Not until he removes the ring for good. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/20/2008 8:35:30 PM | navy,
rdcnorm, who died and made you boss of how this forum should be run? And any of my comments were not toward any one individual
I never claimed I was the boss,, but if you feel I'm in control ,, that would be your issue not mine,, if in your Psychology class, you learned anything,, forget it,, I'm laughing,, you must have failed those classes,,, if you haven't noticed I'm not the only one who didn't like your remarks or comments towards us widowers...
You also did make a remark towards me,, you suggested this
You will never know what it is like to compete with the dead, because you are a widower.
I responded with this statement
There is half truth in that statement, your right,, I will never know what it feels like to compete,, because I will never be in competition with someone alive or deceased,, it's not about who wins,, It might be about me for just moment, "am I good enough"..
Then it would be about, what the other person thinks of me,, and if in their eyes I'm not good enough for them,, hey I'm Ok with that.. I have nothing to prove,,
I'm not looking to take the place of someone else through competition, nor would I want to. If though I made the other persons memories fade,, (but not forgotten), because of the person I am,, then guess what,, I might be their new man/Lover in their life,, because of good moments and memories we are sharing together..
However,, this is where you statement is wrong, You suggest because I'm a widower, I wouldn't know what it is like to date a widower,, That is where you are wrong I have dated widowed woman,, "That was some assumption by the way" I have/had no issues with it at all,, mainly because I have an understanding of her pain and suffering,, I also know what it means for her to talk about her love who passed away,, I say,, I am happy that woman loved,, and sorry she lost that love to death,,
I would also know through talking with her,, what a relationship and love means, at-least in her eyes..
For me,, to want to take her love/memories away,, I would never be so insensitive and insecure with who I am, to ever want too..
I quote you again...
but a lot of widowers make their deceases spouses into some kind of saint ( although talking to their kids I found that not to be the case) they don't want to remember the bad times (its disrespectful in their eyes). So, how do you compete with a ghost? You can't. At least with a living ,breathing ex. you can point out all the person's faults without getting clobbered with "I don't want to speak ill of the dead" OFten times giving them more respect dead than they ever deserved alive. If a widower can't put his ring away. THen there is no room for you. Because he can't give up the dead.
I quote you again
And I dated 2 widowers not 1 .
I have to ask you,, how does dating two widowers equal a lot of widowers as you stated above..
This was my reply to you if you had forgotten...
you
In some ways that is true phoebe, but a lot of widowers make their deceases spouses into some kind of saint
I responded with this statement
I for one do not have to pretend,, My wife was a saint in my eyes,, That by no means suggests I haven't gone through that tragic loss.. but rather a stepping stone for my life,, meaning,, I know what I want and desire,, because of her..
you
they don't want to remember the bad times
I responded with this statement
That is one of the big difference between widowed men and woman, we didn't dwell on what didn't work/or bad times,,, most can not comprehend how wonderful married life was,, yes,, we had our bad times,, but we did not focus on them,, rather we moved forward,, focused on what was important,, and what is team effort,, learning how to move forward,, and not dwell on the past, or bad experiences,, Rather focus on our love and how to make things work,, it didn't matter what differences we had,, it's learning to respect those differences,,
It's interesting,, I can tell if someone was happy in there life, whether it be through death or divorce,, their isn't the negativity, that is displayed in the statement I just quoted above,,,
you
At least with a living ,breathing ex. you can point out all the person's faults without getting clobbered
I responded with this statement
WOW.... that statement,, why would anyone, what to or attempt to find faults in either the ex, or someone who is deceased,, is it to prove who you are or who are not,, Now I would think,, as a person,, you could gain your own acceptance without bad mouthing someone else..
you
"I don't want to speak ill of the dead" OFten times giving them more respect dead than they ever deserved alive
I responded with this statement
Now this statement,, really pissed me off,, who the hell are you, to suggest this, I won't speak for all widowed men and woman,, But I think they would agree,, Your a complete #ss for even suggesting this,, for example, Not only did I respect and love my wife, the community we lived in did as well.. so much so,, they took the original school bell out of storage, now it sits at the entrance of her school where she taught., as a monument to her, ........ Not only did I respect her in life,, As I do in death,,
You think widowed men and woman compare,, you dam right we do,,let me tell you why,, lets just forget the persons name second.. ,, lets talk a who they were as a person,, that is who we fell in love with,, now many men and woman have those similar qualities,, as a widowed man,, I will never want to replace my wife,, but I will tell you this,, I will find someone with her qualities,, yet I know the personality will certainly be different,, I think, how wonderful is that.. Yet you feel you need to compete,, your only competing, not because you you don't measure up to my wife,, it's because you may not measure up to what I desire, what I'm looking for in a woman,, and to think we/I would settle for anything less than what made us/me happy,, the only competition you have is with yourself,,
you
Because he can't give up the dead.
I responded with this statement
You are so wrong with that,, I have let go of the past,, yet people like you want us widowed men and woman to forget our past,, that will never happen,, those are our memories,, we cherish them, matter of fact we love them,, it is because of our deceased spouses we are who we are today,, good and bad,, and to deny that,, would be to deny that we ever lived,, both in happiness / love and pain,,
you
If a widower can't put his ring away.
I responded with this statement
It's not about the ring for men and woman like you,, you will find fault in all that we widowed men and woman do, it's because you feel the need to compete,, We could have one picture up,, you would find fault in that as well,, yet,, I loved my brother, he is dead, I have a picture of him,, no issues their why,, love is love no matter,,
I should deny my son, who my wife was, who his adoptive mom was,, all because you can't see it as our past,, yet we want to let go and we have and can,, but it's people like you, who even though we don't have to defends our reasons,, we do it,, because,, you need to be enlightened....so that you can move forward through your shallow thinking and insecurities..
It does appear, you would like to be the center of attention not only with men in your life.. but here as well,, just because I don't agree with your off the wall remarks, insensitive remarks, your generalization of widowers, may be if showed a little more compassion toward others,,
Now if I piss you off ,frankly I don't care, because you are one of the most negative, insensitive people I have come across.. .. some much for your Psychology courses..
Like I said before,, I get it, you don't want to date widowers,,
I see your writing and ideas have improved, as you use thoughts and ideas from other posters to regain some sort of integrity.. ,, it's interesting how you didn't mention any of those issues before, other than the ring and how you felt it was ok to bad mouth the dead.. Now I'm not sure of this,, but I would think, those Psychology classes you took haven't taught you anything,, You would think, you would have learned from your first misfortune dating a widowed man ,, Knowing all the signs you just mentioned in your last post,, but no,, you do it again,, and missed all the signs you claim you are aware of..
Now I have to ask,, is it really the widower who has the issues,, or is it you... but you need to blame those men,, because I think they won't accept you because of your idea, that you should be the center of their world,, and you want them to completely give up the memories of their past,, you seemed pissed because those men you dated,, have nothing bad to say about their late wives, and I'm sure, they will not stand by and let you bash their wives either,, so you claimed you wanted to do...
But any man or woman, that is still wearing a wedding ring, regardless of which hand it is on. Is not ready to accept another mate. Not until he removes the ring for good.
You know nothing of men and rings,, I will say this again,, read it slowly,, it's not a material possessions for most widowers,, it is what we carry in our hearts,,
My first post here stated,, I took off my ring 6 mo. after I was married, the only time I wore it, if we went to a social function.. I took it off because I was in construction,, and it got caught on everything,, almost lost my finger several times,, My point is,, I took 4 years to grieve the loss of my wife,, and I didn't need to take off a ring to say,, I have gotten through that painful time,, it was my mind and heart that healed,, believe it or not,, the body had some healing to do as well.. so please do not tell us widowers what we need to do to, so that we can prove to you that we have healed, as I said before,, if you can't handle a picture, or anything else we choose to do,, do not date us,, you will be much happier,, and so won't the next widower you meet if you just left him alone... | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/26/2008 5:51:33 PM | | My husband of 24 years and almost four months passed away last July after a four year illness. I wore both our wedding rings for months before he died because he had lost so much weight that it would have fallen off his hand. I wore all three rings until what would have been our 25 wedding anniversary. The next day I took off his ring and moved mine to my right hand. Yes, I cried when I did it but I knew in my heart that the time was right. This decision is a very personal one and only you will know when that time will come for you. | |
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