| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/26/2008 6:01:40 PM | | I don't think their is anything wrong with wearing your wedding ring for as long as you want. It is precious to you and symbolizes your love you had for your husband. I wore mine for 2 years before I put it away for save keeping. I took mine off for surgery and never put it back on. Not sure why I didn't . To much on my plate at the time I supposed. I say wear it as long as you want... to heck what anyone else thinks. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:18:40 PM | Phoebe48: I think everyone has the right to do what they feel like doing if they lose a spouse. For me if I married a man I truly loved and he died, there is no way I would ever date anyone again. I would always feel they were my husband. My mother feels the same way since my father passed away. I could never date a man who had lost his wife through death. I would feel like I was with another woman's husband. Death is not the same as divorce. You get divorced because the marriage was a mistake, never should have happened. Most of the time death is not a choice.
I would no more try to replace a dead husband than I would try to replace one of my children if they died.
I really don't understand the need to take the wedding rings off or move them to another hand.
As to talking about the person, we talk about my father all of the time. Why wouldn't we? | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:26:54 PM | bcsofnc57....You may feel like this now at your age, but how would you have felt had you already been married a long time and he died while you were in your 30's or early 40's?
I would always feel they were my husband
I'm not sure what you mean by this. I've had one relationship since my husband of 23 yrs died, and I sure didn't feel like the b/f was my husband - nothing even close to the relationship I had with my husband.
I would no more try to replace a dead husband than I would try to replace one of my children if they died
We don't plan on replacing our spouses. You can never replace one person for another - even in divorces and no two relationships will ever be the same. We would simply rather have someone else in our life.
I wasn't trying to criticize, please don't take it that way. I simply wanted to state my feelings and reasons for dating after the loss of a spouse and why many other widow/widowers are dating. Maybe your Mom didn't want to date again because she was older when your Dad died. My Dad died the same year as my husband and my Mom has no interest in dating - at all - but then she's now 73.
HR | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:39:28 PM | happyrebel: I am not trying to be critical of others that do date, but my feeling on it is, if I had lost a husband through death at 20, 30, my age now or 80 I would have not dated again.
I feel that each of us should only have one real husband or wife(to me if you get divorced it means the marriage was a mistake, and once you are divorced they were never your spouse, and you are free to try again.) To me once you marry and you truly love each other, that person is your spouse forever, and that you shouuld never marry again even if that person dies.
My mother is 74, but really doubt she would have dated again if my father had died when she was 30. My mother was 22 when she married my father, and he was only the second man she had ever dated.
I have had a few men write, all seemed very nice, who had lost their wives through death, and I just can't bring myself to date them. To me they are still very much married.
Also to me marriage is too special to be called a relationship, it is in a class all by itself. Once you are truly married, as in you both truly love each other, you become a family. It would like be like saying a mud puddle and an ocean are both bodies of water. Maybe on a techinacal level that is true, but in reality it is far from true. A mud puddle is far more likely to dry up and go away than an ocean. Just as a marriage is a lot more likely to survive the ups and downs of life than a mere relationship.
I can not and have no desire to try and tell others what they should or shouuldn't do. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/29/2008 7:02:10 AM | I've been Widowed for almost 10 years...and wear my ring occasionally
.. as a sign of respect and Love .. only for a month .. before her Birthday ..
It doesn't mean that I'll be comparing any New Lady to her ..
And hope that ladies don't see it that way , either !
Widowers have been unlucky enough to have lost a Love ...
..but Most are worthy of sharing that Same Love .. with someone New .. !!
~Invitations are Open ~
. .   . . | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:33:18 PM | You didn't get divorced, you were made a widow etc..If someone cares that you still wear a ring..it's their problem not yours.. Maybe a lack of self assurance on their part? now if you were married for a longtime it is ofcourse a natural act to continue to wear your marital ring.
dusty | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:47:35 PM | | I was 45 when my wife my wife passed away. We had been married for almost 21 years and had dated for 5 years before that, so we had been together our entire adult lives...and then some. And I wore my wedding ring on my left hand for a little over 3 years after her death before I felt comfortable taking it off (and then for another year on a chain around my neck). Everyone is different and we all deal with circumstances...such as grief...in different ways. There's really no right or wrong way to deal with it...you just do the best you can. And hopefully....one day..... you get to that point in life where you're ready to "move on". | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:55:59 PM | | One last comment.....I can understand how bcsofnc57 feels. There was a time when I was certain that I would never even consider remarrying if anything ever happened to my wife. But, when she passed away, our daughter was only about 3 weeks old.....and I don't believe it would be fair to her if I was absolutely adamantly opposed to EVER allowing another woman to be a part of our lives. Having said that....its been over 11 years now and its still just the two of us. I have gotten more accustomed to being alone than I ever thought I would........but I would definitely prefer not to spend the rest of my life that way.... | |
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Bona x
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Joined: 6/11/2007
Msg: 134 | |
| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/29/2008 7:10:36 PM | I was 60 when my wife of 39 1/2 years passed away. That was 2 1/2 years ago.
I was 19 when I got married,I remember my vows like it was yesterday.
I distinctly remember the part about "til death do you part".
Unfortunately,the death part occurred ,I do not recall vowing about anything as to when or if I should date after that. Wear my ring or not.
I believe everyone experiencing this in their life needs to handle it in a way that is comfortable and works for them. I feel I have made the adjustments and am continuing on with my life.
One comment I will make to bcsofnc57, I find it strange that you feel so strongly about dating widowers and how you say you would never date again should you become a widow, yet apparently your own marriage didn't work. Your reasoning is one of the reasons I seem to be happier dating widows than divorcees, widows can relate most divorcees can't. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/29/2008 10:02:10 PM | | I gave my wedding ring to our daughter,We had divorced prior to my wife passing away.My ex wife gave our daughter her ,s as well.Its so nice to see the two rings back together | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/31/2008 2:03:02 AM | well its been three years for me, i still wear my wedding band and i have no intention of taking it off.
surely if another guy likes you, its irrespective if you wear a wedding band or not.
and i know a few guys that would see it as a bonus, that they dont have to buy you jewellery lol | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/31/2008 10:41:33 AM |
I feel that each of us should only have one real husband or wife
Even so, my real husband has died. So I am to be alone the rest of my life? Hey, can't I have a concubine or a mastress or...what the hell WOULD you call finding another love of your life? An INsignificant other?
To me they are still very much married.
Setting aside the emotional factors of incomplete grieving process and "dead wife worship" situations, the marriage vows state "Forsaking all others, until DEATH do us part". There's nothing stating we can't have a subsequent marriage. Of course there is a custom in one Eastern religion that requires a widow to die on her husband's funeral pyre...and trust me honey, in many social and practical matters, a woman who chooses to isolate herself from the possibility of a second chance at love is practicing a sort of social, practical and sexual self immolation.a I think most Western culture men with their heads on somewhat straight, would be APPALLED that their widow felt obliged to deny herself male companionship, the emotional support of a relationship or marrriage, and sex, to "honor' his memory.
Cindy O | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/31/2008 2:38:38 PM | | As a widower when it comes to looking at beautiful women the first thing I look at is the left hand. Wearing the wedding band on the left hand indicates you have a living husband. When my wife died I took both of our rings and put them on a cord that holds a wooden cross that can be worn around my neck. Now I have put that up knowing that I must press on, that she is not coming back and I still have my memories and some of them have even faded with time and age. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/31/2008 2:41:23 PM | | Most wedding vows contain the words "until death do we part" so the marriage is completed and its time to either move or or remain single. The choice is yours. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/31/2008 7:36:15 PM | Honcho......................
Thanks for your input. I don't know what to say, it is so close to home for me now.
And yet, I feel so much better every day, learning about all of this new way of life. I am confident and am ready to move forward.
This posting site is incredible.
And POF.com , a bunch of Widow Babes helped me to log into it and post pics, very cool babes and all of them are way too young to be widows. And yet we are. That's who we are now, just get used to it and keep on movin'!
Great Post, thank you.
Regards, Bob | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 5/31/2008 10:38:17 PM | OP: Sorry for your loss and honestly don't let anyone tell you when to take it off. Only you can decide that and 7 months compared to a long marriage is a drop in the bucket.
Personally, if you want to wear it while you grieve no one elses opinion matters. The symbol the ring represent might cause some confusion when/if you choose to start dating again later but, again who are a bunch of strangers to tell you when that will be. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:11:30 PM | | One thing to remember is that even after you have taken off your wedding ring, you will still have the reminder of your ring where the skin on your ring finger is different (discolored, scarred, etc.) from wearing a ring all those years. That was something I remember from when I took my ring off. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:37:29 PM | I am not a widow but I would say wear your rings for as long as you feel like it. Whether months or years.... grieving is not quantifiable, nor should it be. You could wear a ring forever and be emotionally available or not?
That said, as a single woman... I'm not interstested in dating someone who isn't over their former spouse... widowed or divorced. If one has super strong feelings for their former spouse, my advice is find someone who shares a similar situation and leave me alone until you are emotionally available. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 8/12/2008 8:08:01 PM | | I wore mine for almost a year. A friend I met (online only, she lives 3000 miles away) on widownet.org had her and her husband's ring made into something she wears like a necklace (I've never seen it).... mine's sitting up on the fireplace mantle right now, next to a picture of her. I put it back on once in a while... just to feel its warmth and remember what it means. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 8/13/2008 4:34:16 PM | | I wore mine for about a month after my wife died. I took it off because I realized it was time for closure. It really felt wierd not having it on after wearing it for almost 20 years. | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 8/13/2008 6:41:17 PM | I was married to a wonderful man for 27+yrs and he was 12 yrs my sr. We talked at great lengths about what I should do. I wore my ring for 2 yrs and never took it off and one day for what ever reason i took it off --i felt so guilty-the sad thing is he always told me to take it off and find someone to love. I put it back on and over the next 8 mo "practiced" with out it now it is in a safe place with his funny but I do not wish to share it. I stayed alone for 2yrs and have now started to try to date. The sad thing everyman thinks I want them to be him and I do not I want someone to be himself. I am beginning to think I will never find someone and if that so I will love my memories and know I know what it feels like to be loved and if no ever comes close to that feeling I am ok with that. The answer is wear the the ring until u are comfortable with taking it off. And ask yourself would my loved one want me to be alone because I could not stay with them---my answer no they would say go out and find love if u can and it feels right to you............... what would u wish for them?? | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 8/14/2008 12:22:06 AM | I don't wear mine, anymore . .
It's History....not Baggage..!!
She still ...[after 10 years].. wants me to find someone that I can : ...
' ..Love as Strongly, and as Well .. as you have Loved Me ! '
...  ... | |
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| Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 8/14/2008 1:48:17 AM | I have been widowed for ten months now and I still wear my wedding ring on my left hand and will continue to do so until I feel I'm ready, not when someone thinks I should be. My husband and I spent 30 yrs together and you can't be expected to just get over it in a few months, its tough going and little steps is all you need to take. One day I expect I will be ready to accept someone elses love but for now I want to still bask in the love we had for each other. Some may ask why am I here, on a dating site.......simple really, I'm lonely and I am here for just friendship, to be friends with someone (male or female) who is not going to be walking on eggshells around me or wrap me up in cotton wool like my real life friends do. Anyway, I've had my say and I'll leave you with this.............
Please Be Gentle.
Please be gentle with me for I am grieving. The sea I swim is a lonely one and the shore seems miles away. Waves of despair numb my soul as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want to shout and scream and repeatedly ask "WHY?" At times my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss.
Please don't turn away or tell me to move on with my life. I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal. Companion me through my tears and sit with me in loving silence. Honor where I am in my journey, not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story. I may need to tell it over and over again. It's how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss. Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead. Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable. A small flame still burns within my heart and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears. I need your support and understanding. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me.
By Jill Englar | |
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