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| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 4/9/2007 4:04:02 PM | Go on tell me another time wasting progam I need to attend now because I led a CHAOTIC life and tend to get OFF TOPIC.
Funny how all my essays about Society (in college and highschool) got top marks, and I had 99% in my final Psychology course while having poor concentration levels (and health problems) due to traumatic life circumstances. Funny how I managed to get four diplomas in education, since I am such a Freak.
^^^You might want to attend the program for children of recovering alcoholics. That might help you out some.
Kasandroid - It's completely up to you whether or not you seek the benefits of a program. Al Anon will work for you regardless if it was alcohol or drugs as the substance of choice of your family member. It all depends whether you feel you have a firm grasp on life or have thoughts or feelings that may be triggered by that family member. Or triggered in other ways that makes you adapt to old coping habits or behaviors. Coping habits and behaviors that at present you may not know that you have. FWIW, alcoholics as well as family members of alcoholics are amongst the many over achievers out there. Whether they know that or not is all part of the issues surrounding the disease. Is it possible that the motivation and drive for your applaudable achievements in the past may be attributed in a sordid way because of the life activities surrounding your homelife? And that those activities that were not very happy times in your life prompted you to develope coping and adapting skills that are so cleverly woven within the fabric of your every day life? Again, questions only you can answer yourself. I believe we go through stages in our lives where we stumble upon some real significant realizations about ourselves. Some of those we're happy with and perhaps some we're not very proud of. I can't begin to tell you how many dysfunctional coping skills I developed in my 5 year relationship with an alcoholic. Something I had no idea that I had done. It only took a brief session with a councilor for them to recognize my "flaws". Only after getting a program did I realize just how consuming the disease can get. It's a sign of growth and health if we choose to deal with those realizations in a way that we move forward in this thing we call life.
Kasandroid, what and how you deal with the past issues of your family life is completely up to you. Know that that if there comes a time in your life when you feel powerless or that life seems to be unmanageable, there's always an open door and a receptive ear at Al Anon.
Take care | |
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| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 4/9/2007 7:54:34 PM | Well thanks for all the advice, yes I have found peaceful elements in life, and will continue on my quest for further peace, and happiness.
I saw my family this weekend, for the first time in a long time The Mother and I got along without an argument (course there was more family members around too, lol), and I worked very hard to keep the Peace on my end. It was nice to get to see my cousins and Aunt again from Alberta and get to know them way better. They are artists(creative) people as well. It was really neat to see one of my cousin's sketchbook, and wow do we ever share a similar style.
So there another mission achieved, and I am going now because it kind of wore me out, lol. Oh and I know all about Co-dependency and not to fall into that trap, and I still don't agree that I have to attend Alnon or other Group Sessions for my own reasons, and I am all for people getting help for whatever services they need if there are unable to develop their own healthy coping techniques. I still disagree about recovering addicts trying to control other people's choices in life, especially if the other people have a drink or toke in moderation. To each their own I guess.
Cheers
Peace Out
I Hope You All Had a Good Holiday, sorry my words can be a bit harsh to the less jaded people. But let me once again point out, no matter how cynical I can get, I would still NEVER tell another human being to go and Kill themselves. This seems to be a new fad for some POF men, I noticed this on other women's profiles as well. Yes I check out female profiles to see what they think too, also cause I would like some more female friends who are into doing activities instead of sitting at home all the time. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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| Recovering alcoholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 4/9/2007 10:15:11 PM | | i agree that it is good and necessary to be a little bit jaded otherwise you are nieve . then people just take advantage of you .if you take being jaded to far then it just make you angry ,bitter and hateful. like any good thing too much of it can be bad. | |
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kitn
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Joined: 3/15/2007
Msg: 130 | |
| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 4/9/2007 10:28:27 PM | | in recovery everyone must do what they need to. Some people can be around it & others can not. I know one person that committed sucide because they had a drink to celebrate their upcoming marriage & the guilt consumed them. i believe my uncle would still be alive today without that drink. trust she knows her limits. good 4 her!!! | |
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| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 4/9/2007 10:47:35 PM | This woman with 19 years could have been me. I also have 19 years of sobriety. For me, it's not that the dating prospect drinks, it's more my lifestyle after 19 years. I do attend 12 step meetings, for my alchoholism and also Alanon and others. It may be a way of life to the person you are referring to now, and the drinking wouldn't bother her, it's simply her goal to date a non-drinker. It's that this person may be a lot like me and wants a person who goes to meetings, shares the understanding, the stepwork, sponsoring, being sponsored and all the 'time' invested in recovery. I would love to date a man who's got solid sobriety and is local. We would probably share the same meetings, friends, lifestyle (ie: morning meetings v evening meetings).
When I am emaling someone here and their profile says that they don't drink I will ask them if they are a "Friend of Bill W". This is the code we use to see if someone else is in AA.
This would be my explanation as a woman with the same 19 years of sobriety.
I'm not white knuckling about drinking, it's just I want to be around people who are in recovery who understand me just by the fact I am in AA like they are. It is a very fundemental common interest I seek.
For me it would be like dating a man who loves football, like I do... or theater, like I do... or working out in the gym, like I do.
It's a big part of my life that I want to share, not keep separate. | |
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| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 4/10/2007 3:17:45 AM |
Pretty much anything written by Melodie Beatty is beautiful, and anyone in a co-dependent relationship would be well served reading her. I hope, Kassandroid, that you can find peace with your life. "The Language Of Letting Go", "Codependant No More", and "Beyond Codependancy". Great books, of which I have the first 2.
When I am emaling someone here and their profile says that they don't drink I will ask them if they are a "Friend of Bill W". This is the code we use to see if someone else is in AA. - I imagine I'd have to say that I know Bill W. or go to meetings on the other side at the same time. 
Kasandroid - Congrats on a good holiday weekend with the family.  | |
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| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 4/19/2007 5:53:15 PM | | i'll tell you people.i dated a girl that lives 90 miles from me for 3 years plus..she goes to aa meetings..while i give her credit for going for her problem,she was one hard person to date because of all the aa speeches she said to me.if you are a normal everyday person,you need a ton of patience dating someone like that..you should be planning for your future instead of reciting what the aa members say at meetings.just my opinion.....been there, not ever again. | |
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| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 4/25/2007 4:45:07 PM | | It's not about will power it's about how they feel and what makes them comfortable. Perhaps this recovering alchoholic has bad memories and alcohol is a painful reminder. To call one a hypocrit because they don't want to be around alcohol is just highly insensative on your part. Though it was a bit extreme to be dismissed because you may have a rare beer once in a great while. Perhaps she's just afraid you'll try to put her in that situation. If you tried to be sympathetic towards her situation and she still passed you off, then there isn't much you can do about it. If I met someone who had this problem and wanted to date, then I wouldn't hesitate to give up that rare beer once in a great while, afterall, it's nothing I would miss anyway. | |
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| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 4/25/2007 11:55:46 PM | | but lets face it in all reality then wouldnt you want to put on your profile... im a recovcring addict ./ and no offence to anyone but i would prefer to not be around someone that consumes alchol??? see now from my experience.. i do indulge and i also smoke .. on pof i met someone that doesnt do eiether,, is a recovering addict/alcholic.. i dont have issues with someone wanting to better themselves.. but have asked and did if it would be a problem as i dont want to feel uncomfortable becuawe of that it wont work if you cant be yourself.... so now after dating for 5 months,, its working out ,, i respect the sobriety and they respect that non alcholics can just have one... but if it were to be a constant trigger or uncomfortablae situation i would remove myself because it just would nt be fair to eithr person... every one has a choice and a right to live how they are comfortabale... good on her but she needs to clarify what it is exactly what she is wanting ,,, and thats just being totally right up front.. about all of it... gives the other persion a chance to decide if thats ok | |
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| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 4/26/2007 5:25:09 AM | Well, my screen name pretty much puts me right out there as to my "drinking" habits, as well as I answered the question of do you drink as a no. I am not ashamed to be a recovering alcoholic (I am grateful in fact), but it is not something I want to "advertise". I've seen some threads on people dating alcoholics and people can be very insensitive and downright rude, and I prefer to save those comments for someone I chose to tell after we've started talking more than just a casual message here and there. When dating someone I come right out and tell them what and who I am ... adding the comment, I understand if you can't deal with it, and here's your chance to run! LOL Some WILL run, some will say no problem. Those that have a clue go so far as to say they respect me enough to not drink around me. Alcoholism is not a disease I chose to have, nor does anyone. Would you choose to be a diabetic, or have leukemia? Don't think so. However, I DID make the choice to try to do something about it, and 12 step meetings are a way of life for me. I have friends/family that drink today ... some days I simply can't be around them for that fact. Other days it doesn't bother me in the least. We, as recovering alcoholics have our good days and bad days just as anyone else in this world. Choosing not to be around alcohol some days is not a bad thing ... it's self preservation, and a strong desire to not have to drink again. Hate the disease, not the person who has it. As I said ... we didn't chose the disease, it chose us. Choosing sobriety over active drinking saved my life, and if someone can't respect that, I don't want them as an active part of my life anyway.
To all the other "friends of Bill W." ... my best regards, and congratulations on doing what you need to do to save your life.  | |
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| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 4/26/2007 7:31:53 AM | OK - Here's the explanantion. For whatever reason,
she doesn't want to have a relationship with someone
who drinks. Move on.
I don't drink at all. I don't have a drinking problem.
I prefer not to have a relationship with someone who
drinks even a little because I don't drink.
Ditto for smoking.
Move on.
Plenty of Fish, you know? | |
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| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 4/26/2007 7:52:52 AM | | First of all it has very little to do with will power but I will not get into all that. I have been sober for almost 21 years. Almost all girls that I date do drink but in moderation. If I just wanted a drunk then I would still be playing the bar scene and not on these dateing services. (All though I have met just as many nuts on here AND programs of recovery as any where.) Nothing unhealthy about someone haveing a drink here and there as long as it does not cause any umanageability in their life. My problem has been just the opposite and would like to hear about views on it also. Most girls on these sites say they want a sober, honest, trustwothy and reliable man. As soon as you let the cat out of the bag that you do not drink and have not for over 20 years they look at you like your a freak for not drinking. I rarely bring the fact to surface into some form of mutual respect has developed are if asked. Should be of any real importance. Seems to make most gals feel ackward and uncomfortable. Like if you are not loud, abusive, controlling, and ubnotious than I am not sure I know how to relate to you. Oh well best of luck pal for there seems to be many pit holes in this dateing deal. | |
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| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 6/8/2007 12:10:57 AM | | what happened to freeness in our country, as every person with a drinking problem deserves the right to be respected for that, but turning the tables, a recovering person that chooses to be with someone who is just the opposite of them( ie), who does have a couple and smokes, .. what about how the people who are the datees how they feel,,being in relationship with someone who is sober is not a problem,, but going into that relatiionship with full knowledge that the other person does however drink , not an addict,,, then expecting that person after the honeymoon so to speak has worn off ,, to not feel comfortaable having a coctail or frosty beer ,, now thats awkward!!! from the prospective of a person that doesnt have an addiction .. we feel uncomfortable as hell,,, and know it botheres the other person,, but should we be expected to be someone we are not and full well knowing that its bugging the helll out of us,,,, me i make excuses to stay home cause i know i cant go over to my friends house and haave a cold beer,,, and its not being ignorant its being honest.,., i dont want to drink coffee on a hot day after ive worked 12 hours,,,, i want a cold beer,,, but not being able to do that,, ( and im not saying a doz im saying a couple of beer,,,) well thats just really uncomfortable and so not me,,,,, any answers... or advice....????????? | |
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| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 6/8/2007 12:26:35 AM | UPdate: Okay, Vandelai ~ I saw you have started to realize the lack of info you went on. This is admirable, and I applaud you for admitting that you found out you don't know about it.
As for taking her personally ~ very easy to do but she needed to not see anybody AT ALL if there was even the remotest chance she might get used to the idea, and slip up.
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.. to the poster right above me: if you respect the alcoholic's wish to avoid being around people when they are drinking, it should usually be fine to say "I'm out for a beer. I'll be back such-and-such o'clock, see you later." ... if the recovering alcoholic gets really upset about it, then it's time to rethink the relationship before you feel totally deprived of your comforts. The alcoholic in recovery certainly has the right to ask that no booze be consumed in his/her presence, but they don't have the right to dictate that nobody else gets to drink! .. I gently and respectfully would NOT tolerate that sort of controlling.
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| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 6/8/2007 12:59:28 AM |
Well, I only drink occasionally, but it's only a little glass of white wine. Nothing hard as tequila or****ails. I mostly drink O'Doul's (non-alcoholic beer). But someone who says, "I can't associate with people that drink" is a loser anyway. She must have no social life, huh?? I love my social life and I don't have to be drunk to enjoy it, right? Usually, on New Year's and my birthday, I'll go a little crazy, but only during that time of year, you know....What is her problem? What she only goes to AA parties? No offense, but BORING. I've been to one and it wasn't my cup of tea.... Another Insensitive, Uninformed Prize!!
SJ, alcohol is alcohol whether it's beer, tequila, wine, Angostura Bitters .. mouthwash.. it doesn't matter what form the alcohol is in. To an alcoholic, this substance is POISON, and the smallest amount is enough to set off a chain-reaction craving.
The recovering alcoholic in the OP was stating her limits, and making sure she didn't put herself at risk. I applaud her for such brutal self-honesty and courage.
So what if she might be narrowing her field socially? That is her choice. Why should she expand it to include those who consider themselves strong enough to control their own drinking? It wouldn't do her any good.
As well, so she goes to her AA parties which, after attending one, are boring to you? It's probably like Heaven for her, since she doesn't have to worry about anybody judging her. They're a wonderful, huge and happily supportive family. Boring?
I don't really wanna know what ISN'T boring to you. | |
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| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 6/8/2007 11:19:43 AM | | Wow going for the insensitive assh*le of the year award? She's an addict and you want to do the drug of her favorite choice in front of her?!?! Smooth buddy. Maybe you can go eat some twinkies at Weight Watchers for your encore... | |
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| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 6/8/2007 12:01:36 PM | I can't explain it, but I would say it's not up to you to decide if she should or shouldn't have enough will power. Only she knows this. It's a disease. She still IS an alcoholic, just a dry one. She may have attempted relationships in the past where the other one drank and it was hard for her. Who knows.
When I had quit smoking for 3 yrs I hooked up with a guy who smoked. Long story short I started smoking again. I quit again and haven't smoked for 5 yrs this Sept., and never will again, but I also know that I can't have a smoker in my life. Maybe she's learned that same lesson.
Good luck in your search :-) | |
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| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 6/8/2007 12:11:17 PM | Well,
I would never hang out with someone who smokes a hit of crack once or 2x a week, hell not even once a month------I am a recovering drug addict, heck I won't even hang with my freinds I grew up with for that reason!
Don't take it personal------it is not about you, it is about her and what keeps her sober!!!! | |
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| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 6/18/2008 1:25:45 AM |
------it is not about you, it is about her and what keeps her sober!!!!
but more to the point she said NO for watever reason she said NO, she doesnt have to give an explanation just a simple NO.. if it hurts your ego.. tough.. get over it..
we all have a choice and are free to make that choice at any given moment.. so deal with it.. look to someone who is saying YES and dont worry about the NOs.... | |
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medana
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Joined: 12/8/2005
Msg: 148 | |
| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 6/18/2008 3:43:17 AM | i can totally understand where she is coming from. she is strong in the program and decided it is important to her not to put herself in unnecessary temptation. she has every right to. maybe she decided being sober is more important than finding love, and promised herself never to date anyone that drinks, even if only socially. and to anyone that has been thru a 12 step recovery program, keeping your word is the most imp thing u have, it's what constantly reminds you that you have the will power to defeat your addiction.
12 steppers learn to make difficult choices and decisions that are more beneficial to them in the long term. they learn how not to lie to themselves about what's going on and what their limitations are, and take them into consideration, otherwise their lives might be in danger.
addiction kills, and these people know it.
not everything has to be about you | |
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| Recovering alcholic won't associate with people who drink
Posted: 6/18/2008 7:15:26 AM | I'm sure the OP is long gone (since his original post is over 3 years old), but:
Naturally, I figured she was referring to some abusive redneck who comes home drunk every night...basically an alchy.
Ever hear the one about what happens when you assume? Don't drink means don't drink. I don't drink, and I don't want a woman who does because I don't. I don't need a reason or an explanation, that's just how it is. | |
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