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| Why are all my married friends controlled by their wives???
Posted: 7/31/2005 9:34:29 AM | Good question. I have to agree with some of the others on here - it really depends on the couple. Some guys (myself in the past included) have been content to let their girl run the relationship (not that I recommend it for long-term happiness!)..others, like a couple of my friends that are engaged and living together, not only do activities together, but also go out by themselves, and seem to have fun doing it. It's a matter of trust and security in the relationship.
And about the wife that won't let him watch fear factor or go out with you because you're single? Man. I'd say that's crazy =) But then again, neither you nor I are in his relationship, so unless you're wanting to mess with it, not much that you can do.
Good luck spending time with your pal. | |
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| Why are all my married friends controlled by their wives???
Posted: 7/31/2005 9:44:08 AM | @Real,
The problem is people get married for love. Romantic love, IMO, doesn't exist. We try to hang a relationship on this concept and it is nowhere near a strong enough tie to bind two people. The feelings people confuse as romantic love fades over time. At some point in any relationship, one or both of those involved will wonder why they stick around. Marriage used to work because there was real need between the two partners and it was a true partnership. That arrangement can no longer exist in industrialized societies. Women no longer need men to support them and the family financially. Men no longer need women to perform the domestic duties.
Without need, when a partner inevitably questions why he/she is still a part to it, what reason is there? For women, there is little reason, which is evidenced by the fact that women file for divorce more than twice as often as men. For men, there is concerns of financial ruin and limited exposure to his children. The cases where a woman is the bigger financial loser and/or forced to pay spousal and/or child support are scarce. Equally scarce are the cases in which good men are awarded custody of their children. So, in order for a man to run these risks, he must ensure the little wife is perfectly happy at all times.
Therefore, actively or passively, the wife comes to control her husband. Which leads to my theory and unfettered belief that marriage is THE worst mistake a man can make. He stands to gain next to nothing. The only viable reason for which a man can consider marriage is if he has a desire to have children and be a father. Personally, having accomplished that myself, marriage for me is out of the question. I'd sell my soul to the devil first because the reward would be greater.
Fortunately, men are unreasonable creatures or there would be no marriage at all. That's why I laugh and see irony at work when women attack men as having animalistic sex drives. If it weren't for that, reason in a man's head would overcome the stupidity of his crotch.As an aspiring attorney, I hope dumb men continue to be dumb. It will make me rich! | |
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| Why are all my married friends controlled by their wives???
Posted: 7/31/2005 4:02:39 PM | being under any one's thumb..can' t be an enjoyable thing..but along with
marriage or any commitment to one person.. trusting that person will practise
the qualities i married him with,i would'nt see any reason why he should'nt go out with his
single friends..i would appriecate the fact that he is someone who thinks of me & what we mean to each other what we have together that he looks forward to coming home..visa versra..with a commitment ...comes priorities .yer Qu.i think it's more because your married friends want to not because i have they have to..mind you i'm not say'in ther are't some ridiculously control'in people out ther..wow!..lol....ther's a limit..fer sure... | |
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| Why are all my married friends controlled by their wives???
Posted: 7/31/2005 4:30:34 PM | The problem is people get married for love. Romantic love, IMO, doesn't exist. We try to hang a relationship on this concept and it is nowhere near a strong enough tie to bind two people. The feelings people confuse as romantic love fades over time. At some point in any relationship, one or both of those involved will wonder why they stick around.
@ YamIhere: I agree with you somewhat on romantic love, but that's it. Romantic love is something that began when people confused sexual attraction for some sort of intense love. It’s not enough to bind two people. However, even arranged marriages can last, and those don’t even necessarily involve sexual attraction or any kind of affinity, so why can’t a marriage last that began as romantic love? I think it can. They aren’t lasting because this generation and the last one and the next one are like infants steeped in materialism and all that which is shallow. They want it all, it’s all “me-me-me.” Get me the most expensive this, the most attractive that, the fastest this, etc.”
Marriage used to work because there was real need between the two partners and it was a true partnership. That arrangement can no longer exist in industrialized societies. Women no longer need men to support them and the family financially. Men no longer need women to perform the domestic duties.
Marriage is still a true partnership. Men have never been unable to clean a toilet, and women have never been unable to run a corporation. To assume that the only conceivable way that a man and woman could be partners is that each one engage in roles which society ascribes and expects each to live up to, is crazy. Besides, that’s not what’s going on. Men and women were partners once, and continue to be partners now. Perhaps the women are not cleaning toilets, and they are running corporations, but they’re still partnering with men, otherwise all successful women would be alone.
Without need, when a partner inevitably questions why he/she is still a part to it, what reason is there?
There are a zillion needs met by a woman and man partnering. Besides the obvious (having offspring and meeting sexual needs without having to rush out and risk getting the sexually transmitted disease du jour), there are many other needs met. We all need independence from our parents. A man and woman leave the nest of their parents and independently make one of their own by becoming family to one another. Not that they say goodbye forever to their parents, but for godssakes, one needs a family and staying with mom and dad forever just is not anyone's idea of living it up. And so, a man and a woman use one another to create a new family and a secure base. Then there's the fact that two can make more money than one. Two can purchase better investments than one. Two are more secure in life than one. Then there’s the companionship. As a widowed woman, I can tell you, it’s no fun having no one to go places with. Frankly, going with female friends to try out a new romantic restaurant just doesn’t cut it for me. When I get sick or feel sick, there’s no one there for me. If I get fired, I’m screwed to hell because I don’t have a partner whose income I can rely on till I find a new job. When my family has a huge get-together, I’m the odd one out, showing up alone, while everyone else has someone. When I’m horny, since I don’t have a partner to seduce, what options do I have? Not any wonderful ones. Having a partner provides self-esteem. It helps you feel that warmth and joy you get from sharing secret jokes, little words you both understand, sexy glances, an understanding of things that you both have in common and agree on.
No, you can’t beat having a partner. It rocks! And NO, it has nothing whatsoever to do with a division of labor with the woman cleaning toilets and cooking, and the man bringing home the bacon. That's just an archaic, conservative myth, and one that is severely anachronistic.  | |
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| Why are all my married friends controlled by their wives???
Posted: 7/31/2005 4:41:54 PM | Either she is unhealthy or he is making her unhealthy. You do not know what goes on behind closed doors. Most likly it is do to men being overstimulated and women being exploited. If men turned on the TV, opened a book or watched a PG-13 movie and saw peckers flopping around (looking better than their own) all the time, they might have issues too. If society did not exploit women so much, they would be more confident. Sad part is, the more she tries to control his environment the more likely he is to stray. A man OR woman will do wrong if they want to no matter how much you try to control them. Why drive yourself crazy meanwhile........ That does not mean ignore the obvious signs, just chill...Blah, blah, blah
Gina | |
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| Why are all my married friends controlled by their wives???
Posted: 7/31/2005 5:34:29 PM | | Maybe your friends made really bad choices? To me in a relationship no one owns each other, they are their by mutual consent. When it becomes controling it's time to flee! But if he cheats on me he'll be picking carpet fiber out of his ass for weeks after skidding out the door for good! | |
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| Why are all my married friends controlled by their wives???
Posted: 7/31/2005 7:19:26 PM | Men have never been unable to clean a toilet, and women have never been unable to run a corporation.
@saritamiami,
True, but the hardships of life did not allow for it. Not long ago, a man needed a woman to take care of things at home because running a household and raising a family was a full-time job in itslelf. Keep in mind, the microwave is only about 20 years old. Washers and dryers as we now know them are only a decade older. There was a lot more work that went into maintaining a home. At the same time, women needed men because if they didn't take care of their children, nobody would. Day care was unheard of. Not surprisingly, the divorce rate was low whn this need existed.
Having a partner provides self-esteem.
It can't. In fact, that is the exact opposite of self esteem. Self esteem generates from within and creates a stronger person. What you're describing is someone who requires the praise and attention of others in order to feel better about one's self. That is the exact opposite of self esteem.
And NO, it has nothing whatsoever to do with a division of labor with the woman cleaning toilets and cooking, and the man bringing home the bacon. That's just an archaic, conservative myth, and one that is severely anachronistic.
I'm not supporting a division of labor. But the numbers don't lie. Since technology revolutionized how we live, the need for a partner has become less and less. Hence, divorces have increased at a shocking rate. When you don't need someone, there will come a time when you question why you want that person as part of your life. So, no, it's not a myth. The truth of the matter is, the way men and women relate has irreversably changed during the past century. We have no idea how to deal with it. Maybe future generations will adapt better or take the wise step toward totally abolishing marriage as the archaic and useless institution it has become.
The rest of the nicities you mentioned about having a partner is the par-for-the-course argument of women. I'm still trying to figure out why, beyond stupidity, a man would ever get married. | |
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| Why are all my married friends controlled by their wives???
Posted: 7/31/2005 7:57:16 PM |
At the same time, women needed men because if they didn't take care of their children, nobody would. Day care was unheard of. Not surprisingly, the divorce rate was low whn this need existed.
No doubt about it. A lot of women stayed in marriages because there was no alternative, no divorce, no options. Men had full control. Men could commit adultery if they wanted, beat up the wife and she really couldn’t complain because she had nowhere to go.
I agree that there are a lot of divorces nowadays. However, as someone who wasn’t born in the U.S. I perhaps see reasons for those divorces, that perhaps Americans are so comfortable with, that they don’t see them as unusual, and often don’t even see them at all. For example, the fact that Americans move from place to place, that families are unable to stay in one city, that communities are comprised of transients who are neighbors for a while, that communities no longer exist, and we’re forced to travel to a church on Sundays and pretend that the churchgoers are our community and family. All this creates tremendous burdens and stressors upon a family, particularly one with children. There’s no one to rely on but transients. I’m sure there are exceptions and some people have been fortunate and have their entire families in the same city where they can partake, help one another, etc. However, the norm in the U.S. is not that.
This is a paragraph that explains much better than I the situation in the U.S. today:
Because the family is often 'isolated' much greater pressure is on the individuals in the family unit to find emotional support from the immediate unit in a way that was not characteristics of the past. Earlier family structures had relatives and friends outside the immediate family that were available in time of crisis or passing irritations. These family members and friends could be counted on to help absorb some of the pain that occurred as well as share in the joys. Today's middle class nuclear family is often isolated from immediate family members and when the family have been moved about by work demands, the number of close friends is severely limited. These broad social conditions have tended to turn the family in on itself for these kinds of supports. In many instances the immediate members do not have the skills or experience to deal with the range of problems. When this occurs the problems spill over into the school (child abuse, poor nutrition, absence of supervision), to the work place (absenteeism, inattention) and finally to the welfare system (foster care, child and spouse abuse intervention programs, etc.). Note that the entire welfare system is a response to the fact that many family units no longer have local resources to which they can turn (extended family, friends, churches, community charities).
As a result of the above, the married couple lives with stress like never before in the history of this country. In other countries where out of control capitalism has not rendered people as transient as here, there are still communities and extended families, which creates a great sense of (as well as real) security.
It can't. In fact, that is the exact opposite of self esteem. Self esteem generates from within and creates a stronger person.
I think a person cannot come to a relationship with serious problems and expect to have it succeed. However, I don’t agree whatsoever with the erroneous American idea that one is an island and one gleans self-esteem from out of nowhere. One gleans self-esteem through one’s interactions with other human beings. If there were only 1 person left on the earth, he’d be hard-pressed to feel or develop self-esteem by succeeding at tasks, if there were no one else on the planet to show his successes to.
I'm not supporting a division of labor. But the numbers don't lie. Since technology revolutionized how we live, the need for a partner has become less and less.
I disagree. I think the destruction of the family came with rampant, raging capitalism, the creation of suburbian, corporations swallowing all small and middle sized businesses, the creation of the automobile making people sidewalks almost non-existent or useless, and far more. All these things led to the transient nature of the U.S. society, and, therefore, the savage stresses upon anyone who has a relationship, married or not, gay, straight, or whatever.
Further, if your premise were correct that there has to be a severe division of labor wherein one partner does one type of work (house) and the other does another type of work (outside), where does that leave people with maids? Are they destined for divorce because one partner is not wielding a toilet brush? What about gay men and gay women? Why do they still want someone to love? Why do they want to get married? Why not live independently? Simple, because people want to partner-up. It’s just the way of human nature to want to be with another human. We are not islands.
By the way, to lighten up this thread, I’ll leave you with a joke by Elayne Boosler:
She said: “I know what mean really want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.”  | |
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RJ350Z
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Joined: 10/11/2004
Msg: 144 | |
| Why are all my married friends controlled by their wives???
Posted: 7/31/2005 11:04:19 PM | I know this song :-)
My married buddies, which are most of them, are the same way; They proclaim to be individuals, and are in a "partnership" with their wives, but when the wife says they can`t do something, that`s the end of it. "I can`t, the wife won`t let me."
I actually had a former friend who`s future wife made it part of the deal of them getting married that he was no longer allowed to hang out with me! If this is marriage I want no part of it. | |
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| Why are all my married friends controlled by their wives???
Posted: 8/1/2005 6:09:47 AM | Not just married men - women pick the men (usually, not for the select few Adonis types) and use that to control men.
A little off topic, but was posted in this topic by its orginator. For what combination of words is "some've" a contraction? | |
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| Why are all my married friends controlled by their wives???
Posted: 8/1/2005 9:08:25 AM | because they want sex...
i'm kidding..sort of..
too many women in relationships use sex as power.. they can control by it, and men, well you guys just let your blood flow from your brains to yer.. well southern region far too often.. affecting your ability to say "no" and not let her play those games.
OR...
i also know MANY guys who seriously don't want to do the bar nights out with the boys and actually use the "i dont' have a pass, the wife won't let me go" as an excuse because they actually don't want their buddy's know they would prefer to be home with their families (yup..this DOES happen fellas)
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| Why are all my married friends controlled by their wives???
Posted: 8/1/2005 4:16:47 PM | "women use sex as power"
I suppose they do...if it's allowed. Once again I have to say that no one forces anyone to stay in an undesireable relationship. If sex is used that way that would be a sick relationship and the man should leave. There is always someone else who will have more respect for you and who will have sex with you, so there is no reason for a man to stay. | |
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| Why are all my married friends controlled by their wives???
Posted: 8/1/2005 5:33:52 PM |
I just wanted to say thanks to YamIhere and saritamiami for some really good posts - I'm waay to inexperienced to comment on them, but I love the dialogue, giving lots to think about. So, thanks again!
Thank you Mist! As for YamIhere, he does rock. I may not agree with him, but he does have some awesome, very thought-provoking posts! | |
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| Why are all my married friends controlled by their wives???
Posted: 8/25/2005 10:32:50 PM | Hey! no offence but maybe your friend really dosent't wanna watch fear factor, let alone watch it with you and is just using his wife as an excuse.
I'm sure you're incredibly COOL DOOD and that no one would ever not wanna hang with you... but just a thought.
You guys been friends long? 
lucy | |
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