| Keeping your name after marriage
Posted: 4/1/2008 9:36:35 AM | | My supervisor at work has been married over 20 years and she never changed her name. She is legally married; but she still has her own name on all her financial & legal matters. After being divorced twice and going back to my family name both times, I won't ever change my name again. It's just too much grief to get everything changed. I don't see as though it's a big deal: you'll still be addressed as "Mr. & Mrs. ____.....who cares if you keep your family name ? | |
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| Keeping your name after marriage
Posted: 4/1/2008 10:17:21 AM | Anyone remember The Wedding Singer and realizing the horror that could have been with "Julia Gulia" LOL
This is a tough situation. I've seen it done where both people keep their last names. They are still happily married and love each other no less. It was just an agreement because both people were very close to their last names. The hyphenation seems like the compromise, so maybe think about that some more. Once you're married, there will probably be other issues that come up that you need to sovle together, but that's where compromise comes into play. Hope you get this resolved so you can can get married. :) | |
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| Keeping your name after marriage
Posted: 4/1/2008 10:23:06 AM | I've seen all kinds of red tape that women have to go through post 9-11 regarding proof of indentification as it relates to drivers licence, passport, etc. I recommend women not changing their name at all at marriage, it's too much a hassle, and if a woman gets divorced (50% of the time) and wants to go back to her maiden name, she's got to through that same bullshit all over again.
If a lady wants to unofficially adopt her husband's name, I think that's cool, but keep her maiden name as her official name. That seems to be a reasonable compromise. | |
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| Keeping your name after marriage
Posted: 4/1/2008 11:20:37 AM | Kinda makes getting married sound even MORE risky that she doesnt want to change her name because she doesnt want to go through the BS of changing it back after the divorce.
I could care less either way, but when you think of it............
Taking her husbands name is a tradition (like marriage itself).
If you dont want to take his name..............then why the heck get married at all either???
Just live together and be happy.
Or are we just picking the traditions we want to be selfish?? | |
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| Keeping your name after marriage
Posted: 4/1/2008 8:02:29 PM | ^ I kind of have that thought too. "Well, if we don't want to follow the general tradition- why bother with the tradition of marriage in general?" (Which is basically a ceremony to say, "HEY! These people can have sex now!!!" when we've likely been intimate already.)
But part of me feels like this is a cop out. It's like saying, "Fine, I'm gonna take my toys and go home! Neener, neener."
But I also have a hard time with it. I still don't know why. Weird. | |
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| Keeping your name after marriage
Posted: 4/1/2008 8:25:14 PM | IT IS total BS and hassle to change your name.
I had a baaaaaaaad maiden name. When I married in my 20's, I was glad to get a "normal" last name and proud to have it as well. I was widowed still in my 20's and went through to the 40's with my late husband's name.
My new hubby said it was totally up to me about changing at marriage. I didn't think it was right to keep late hubby's name so changed to new hubby's name even though it was kinda "smarmy".
Now we are divorced, I have the smarmy name, don't really want to go back to the name of the man I married in the 80's who is long gone, hate my maiden name.
My late momma suggested I use her maiden name and I think, after a brief reprieve, I will do just that. But that is IT! NO MORE NAME CHANGES -- geez, I have the AKA's of a criminal! | |
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| Keeping your name after marriage
Posted: 4/1/2008 8:40:08 PM | You can legally change you name but "go by" his last name as like a nickname sort of thing. Making it clear that you are Mrs. (his name here). But for legal purposes, you still have your maiden name. Having changed my name twice.... (from my maiden and back) I can tell you it is a pain!
You need to communicate why he wants you to change your name. If you are planning on having children together, then you NEED to discuss what their names will be.
I think that alot of people think that having the same name is a sign of being "family".
Good luck communicating! | |
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| Keeping your name after marriage
Posted: 4/1/2008 8:55:07 PM | I've thought of this a couple of times, and even though my last name is quite long, cumbersome and difficult for most people to spell, I would probably still keep it professionally. I'd likely change it legally and use the guy's name in personal life, but I've already spent almost ten years building up my career with my name. I already work with a couple of women who have done just the same. They use their maiden names professionally and their husbands' names legally.
Kids, however? I'd never saddle them with the nicknames I had to endure growing up.
Plus... there are some advantages to having a name that is difficult for most of the English-speaking world to pronounce: It's a great way to screen out telemarketers and people trying to sell you something. I always tell the receptionist in my office that if they can't pronounce my last name, throw 'em in my voice mail. My recently married sister tells me she kind of misses our name because her husband's surname is a very common one. | |
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| Keeping your name after marriage
Posted: 4/2/2008 8:06:38 AM | I am reverting tomy maiden name as soon as the divorce goes thru (hopefully december). Here at my new job when my boss heard that he decided I should start using my maiden name now...which is kind of funny and confusing. He sees no problem with it.
The nice thing though is that when I do change it, people here will be ready.
Here's a funny thing. My sister hated our maiden name. She gotmarried and preferred his. They divorced. Soon after, she had a baby, the father not involved (he's deceased, they weren't married). So the baby has the same last name as her, which is her ex-husband's, who is NOT the father of the baby. Didja catch all that? LOL She told me "Hey I can name my baby whatever I want, and I want him to have the same last name as me" (which is her ex's name).
Anyway, I am going back to my maiden name and IF I remarry, which is very, very doubtful, I will keep my maiden name, for sure. And I have no intention of legally marrying. Commitment ceremony would be fine. (not that anyone's offering, lol)
Kaylie | |
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| Keeping your name after marriage
Posted: 4/2/2008 8:55:11 AM | Op, if that little ole thing is a sticking point with him then you might want to reconsider the thoughts of marrying him.
Lordy mercy, what about paper or plastic?
Toilet paper position?
If you are the "love of his life" that would be as important as a lone gnat in the world.
The M word.....not on my list of must do again.
Of course insanity might happen or an out of body experience.....or one of my other personalities gets M ed.
I won't have a problem with committing to someone but I don't have to be m ed, to do that.
And the "love of my life" will understand.
I'd thought when going through the divorce, I'd give his crappy name back asap.
Then I changed my mind.
The reasons I changed my mind and will not give it back ever,
and in order of importance, are:
1. my grandchildren call me grandma L ----always have and always will.
2. all my legal documents would have to be changed.
3. he wanted me to give it back and offered to pay for it, and who cares, particularly me, what he wants.
4. through 10 same as number 3.
He didn't hold his breath, dang it!
It tortures him since he's such a spoiled, control freak..........
it is like that of a mental stab......every time he visits our grand kids they ask where is grandma L. and why didn't I come too.
He tries to get them to accept the other granny---she doesn't speak English very well and they just stare at her.
And yes, I derive pleasure out of it.
It ticks me off that he exposes my grandchildren to a hooker....so he deserves it.
I don't have to do a thing to torture him.
Just to know he visits bi-annually.
To this day he keeps sending salvos my way....I grin because my attorney catches them.......
Forever Ms. L.
ceeceekitty | |
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| Keeping your name after marriage
Posted: 4/2/2008 9:26:22 AM | Here's a thought: Why don't the two of you pick out a surname (different from either of yours) and both legally change your name to that? Since you BOTH would have had input, the name becomes more personal to your relationship.
Personally, I wouldn't mind taking my husband's name...depending on what it is  If it's something like "Borgensherversmith"...forget it! If it's nice and basic like "North"...absolutely! | |
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stacj
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Joined: 6/27/2007
Msg: 62 | |
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| whats in a name.. your relationship with your name.. and keeping it.. YOURS !
Posted: 4/2/2008 9:55:24 AM | ^ I agree with the "hurt and worried" bit--- but I don't have the "feel like she wasn't taking marriage seriously" bit.
Anyone have an idea of why we feel this way? Why are our names so important? Where is the root of this "rejection of my name is a rejection of me" idea? I'm stumped on this one. | |
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| Keeping your name after marriage
Posted: 4/2/2008 10:02:05 AM | When i got married almost 20 years ago, very few women in Canada kept their names. iIdid and it was a hassle at first, especially with banks and credit cards. I started carrying my marriage certificate around in my wallet to prove to people that yes, there is a reason why my signature is on this credit card. Of course, back then I remember a clerk telling me that this couldn't be my credit card, that I was too young too have a credit card. My husband was standing right there. The clerk then told me I was too young to be married. : verymad:
Institutions have caught up since then and are more likely to view a couple as two seperate people - the wife is no longer an appendage. So many couples live common-law now that no one even asks anymore if you are actually married. It makes no legal difference in Canada anyway. When you split up, you can still go through all the divorce crap if you want to. My children have two different last names but that is not at all uncommon anymore either.
Seems to me though that the name thing is only the tip of the yours-mine-ours iceberg that couples have to navigate. | |
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| whats in a name.. your relationship with your name.. and keeping it.. YOURS !
Posted: 4/2/2008 10:11:14 AM | Margo-
I guess you're right.
I'm not generally a possessive person. I'm not the kind of guy that would try to "own" someone-- but I think that love involves possession to an extent. Just look at language- MY girlfriend, MY wife, MY partner, MY love... we possess our loved ones-- and our enemies just like we would anything else.
We just don't like to SAY that we possess them, because it isn't correct in our modern world. Possession has been confused with "complete dominance" --- which is, of course, a bad thing.
Maybe part of it is a desire to be accepted. By following the tradition I feel like I've been accepted. I would prefer to live with someone before marrying them. I almost feel that, if she doesn't want to change her name, nothing has really changed.
Sure, we've promised to love & cherish each other-- but we've already been doing that. Faithfulness? I don't cheat- EVER. Sure, marriage means that we can have sex now--- but we've probably already been doing that as well. So-- what's the point? If she doesn't want to be bound to me in name, why would she marry me? What does she gain? What do I gain?
That's what it comes down to, I guess. I don't know. Trying to figure this out is difficult. | |
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| Keeping your name after marriage
Posted: 4/2/2008 10:21:13 AM | I kept my maiden name along with my married name after I got married, and I still have it due to mail mix up in my community. 
However, it wouldn't hurt to take his name with yours if you want to go that way.
If I remarry again I'd probably drop my maiden name in time, and just keep the new name, not sure wot I plan to do the next round. Won't know til I see where it goes first.
but, like I said it wouldn't hurt to take both names on. | |
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| whats in a name.. your relationship with your name.. and keeping it.. YOURS !
Posted: 4/2/2008 10:37:01 AM | {I have an artist friend that took back her maiden name when she divorced. I have no idea why, as she has kids, and usually we like our names to match our kiddies, but I'm digressing again}
I totally agree with you there, Funny Girl. After I divorced, I kept my married name. I really wanted to have the same last name as my kids. I just put Ms. there instead of Mrs. I don't associate the name as being my ex's. It's my kids names. And I would never change their last names to my maiden name. It would be disrespectful to their dad.
Nothing wrong with keeping your maiden name either when you get married. Especially these days. My sister in law kept her maiden name after she married my brother. It seems to be ok for him. It doesn't change the fact that their married. | |
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| whats in a name.. your relationship with your name.. and keeping it.. YOURS !
Posted: 4/2/2008 10:47:35 AM | I got over needing my kids names to match mine. Seriously, I did. The way I see it, he is still their father and will always be their father - therefore they have his last name. But *I* am no longer to be married to him, so why on earth would I have his name?
Lastly, it's very common around here for kids and moms to have different last names... once you know both names, it's no big deal.
Oh, what if you remarry? W ill you change your kids last names too?
So I am ditching the a-hole's name when the D is final, and going back to MY name...and will stay that way even if I remarry (which I doubt)
K | |
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| whats in a name.. your relationship with your name.. and keeping it.. YOURS !
Posted: 4/2/2008 11:13:29 AM | I took my husbands name when we got married and I should have kept it when we divorced! Not because of kids, we didn't have any, but professionally. Everyone knew me by my married name. It was a solid and simple name...my maiden one is one of those hard to spell German types. When I changed it back to my maiden name, people had no idea who I was because my reputation was linked to my ex's last name...yikes! Even now, I'll be introduced by the old name...there's another girl with the same first name as me and people confuse us because they can't remember my maiden name. Talk about confusing. So, because of this, I won't change it legally or professionally again!
Back in the late 80's early 90's, when I got married, a lot of people were hyphenating their names. It's an option. But its not for me because I always had images of ridiculously long last names after a few generations of hyphenating!
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| whats in a name.. your relationship with your name.. and keeping it.. YOURS !
Posted: 4/2/2008 11:18:02 AM | | I don't care for my maiden name. There's nothing wrong with it, and it's fairly common, but I like my married name better. I'll keep it after the divorce is final. I didn't have any problems getting my name changed either. I just went to the DMV, showed them a copy of my marriage license and they gave me a new one and then to the social security office for a new card and that was that. | |
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| whats in a name.. your relationship with your name.. and keeping it.. YOURS !
Posted: 4/2/2008 3:33:37 PM | I married a man whose culture said the wife kept her maiden name. To my surprise, he insisted I change mine because "your culture is to change it, so there must be something wrong that you don't want to". hmm. I compromised, and hyphenated it. That marriage lasted about 6 months so maybe *I* should have taken his insistence as a clue. You know, sliding back into "my" name felt good; felt like slipping back into a comfortable jacket I hadn't worn for a while. Any idea how many people you meet in only a few months? Kinda shocked me.
Contemplating it was odd tho'. My name "means" something, or does it?
When I was a teenager, my dad told me "I've given you a name that means a little bit of something. You can walk into the bank and they'll hear your story and consider you for a loan. Now, you've got this perfectly servicable name and it is your choice whether it continues to mean something, or whether you tarnish it up."
I've invested a lot of time such that when I meet people in business, they recognize my name. It opens doors.
Overnight, that would be gone. Vanished. Disappeared. I'd have to reintroduce myself to people. "Hi, I'm Margo, I used to be..."
I'm not sure that it should bother me. But it does, just a little. Of course, it'd be even weirder to suddenly become "Betty Sue".
My sister married a few years ago. I thought for sure she would keep her maiden name (actually, I never imagined they would marry - figured they would both prefer to live together). Nope, married and took his name. Now, that's jumping in with both feet. | |
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| . your relationship with your name.
Posted: 4/2/2008 3:40:42 PM | No problem for me.
If the lady does not want to change her last name to mine , fine!
But..... find another house to live in. | |
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