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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.      Home login  
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 drtywhtboy
Joined: 4/21/2006
Msg: 76
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.Page 4 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
doesn't merck make the drug anabuse?? hmmmmmmm.
 Ooli_Oop
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 77
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/17/2006 10:20:18 PM
For anyone who is hurting over another's drinking, I would recommend looking after yourself first and foremost. Let the alcoholic deal with their own issue, even if that means falling flat on their face. You can't help him/her, but you can help yourself. There are many support groups available that can offer help and validation. I do recommend Alanon, but they are not the only game in town. Talk to your doctor.
 ~LayinLow~
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 78
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/17/2006 10:22:17 PM
sherabi, Ive been thru the AA cycle more than once... and i can see that if your ex wont bellieve in a god... LIKE ME... he never will.
"god" is the reason i relapsed all 3 times. I dont like being preached to especially when those people have no idea what their preaching.
Ive almost JOINED the clergy just as many times but with all my interests and the reading i do on a daily basis ive already forgotten more about what religion is all about than those people are ever going to allow themselves to know.
Fighting ignorance with ignorance..
So, when somebody recommends a schitzophrenic needle pokin coke addict as my sponsor who thinks god talks to him over the phone... running and relapsing seemed like a good idea at the time.
As for the higher power thing... my ex could be that.. and can only HOPE that i could be hers. but she s not aware of her problem.. I AM.

Thats the first step. Until somebody realises that as a problem, Theres no helping them.
I know what my problem is. Im a 3 time 'retread'
For ME it began as my own guilt trip. Just went from there.
Until that addict comes to terms with THEIR problem, you cant expect a thing.
You can drive it home for them however you want. Unless they can admit they have a problem... theres nothing you can do to help them.

As for everyone else still holding something against their lost love. Dont be too judgemental...
for all anyone else knows... they blame you.
BUT keep in mind they are sick. blaming them for all your woes only pushes them further away.
physical/verbal/mental abuse is only a symptom.*sp. and a product of several factors in the addiction. internal/external environmental circumstances lead up to those symptoms.
Yes the person may have emotional baggage theyve been dragging around, not to mention all the abuse they mightve had to drag around with them growing up only to become what they are.
ME?... i think its genetic. I wasnt abused... other than my abusive relationships with several OTHER alcoholics/addicts.
I was doomed to my problem before id ever known i had one.

Some of you might hate what you had to go thru with your alcys, thats baggage YOU have to deal with.
Putting the hurt back on the sufferer isnt going to help them come back from the dead. Whether you want them back or NOT.
Thats how some of us feel.
Broken, dead inside, nothing to live for but the addictions we're feeding. Thats just the people that KNOW they have a problem.
We have no idea what to do for the people that cant come to terms WITH their problem.
Ive gotten drunk writing this too... not meaning to, but ive had a rough month and im having a hard time coming down from my own personal pains.
I can go on and on just cuz im so long winded and opinionated.
But have another moment of silence for the addict still out there suffering.
Whatever it may be.....
smokemifyagotem
 Ooli_Oop
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 79
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/17/2006 10:35:13 PM

doesn't merck make the drug anabuse?? hmmmmmmm


No Merck doesn't make it. The Wyeth-Ayerst Laboratories Division developed antabuse.

FYI, the 'Merck Manual of Diagnosis and Therapy' is one of the world's most widely used medical textbooks. Still, if this does not meet with your approval, you will find the same handling of the disease concept in the American Psychiatric Association's 4th edition of Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
 prwtlf
Joined: 8/4/2006
Msg: 80
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History
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/17/2006 10:36:35 PM
drtywhtboy, I have to agree with ht, it is a sickness,coming from a family of drinkers, it is sickness of the mind they can't control, they dont want to be the way they are it is just something in their make-up, out of my family of six kids I am the only one that doesnt drink, but I understand because if i started drinking then I would be as they are, I wouldnt be able to stop, My brother who would have been a 51 this year couldnt stop and lost his life to it, so really it doesnt matter how old the quote is , there are alot older quotes that stand true today
 drtywhtboy
Joined: 4/21/2006
Msg: 81
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/18/2006 7:46:23 AM
i agree it is a sickness. but i won't go so far as to paint it with the broad brush of disease. so many people involved in rehabilitation use the THEORY of disease to side step what i believe are the underlying causes of substance abuse. what i mean to say is that the actual drinking is merely a symptom of a greater problem. i run into people occasionaly that get down right nasty trying to sell me on the concept of disease. to those folks i tell them that if they are trying to convince me they should "accept the things they cannot change"
 ferocean46
Joined: 7/15/2006
Msg: 82
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/18/2006 8:21:29 AM
Hi, I've been sober 29 years now. but know one could help me till I was ready myself. Everyone I knew told me I had a drinking problem, but sometimes as in my case it takes hitting bottom before you can bounce back up. As we say in AA let go with love thats what people did to me and i was lucky I got sober. If she does not it was not because you were not there for her. You can let her know also if she is ready an willing to get help you will be there for her, if not wish her well and go on with your life By the way I got divorced because I got sober and my wife did not. She died drinking but I am stiil here

Ron
 cymbal
Joined: 1/3/2006
Msg: 83
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/18/2006 8:31:16 AM
drtwyboy..you just don't get it do you......some of us are constitutionaly incapable of being honest with ourselves
 drtywhtboy
Joined: 4/21/2006
Msg: 84
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/18/2006 8:55:18 AM
just the kind of person i was speaking about. thank you for rearing your head. thats a very profound statement but hardly an original thought. and you obviously have not read my prior posts. by the way what step are you working today?
 Ooli_Oop
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 85
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/18/2006 12:06:35 PM
so many people involved in rehabilitation use the THEORY of disease to side step what i believe are the underlying causes of substance abuse. what i mean to say is that the actual drinking is merely a symptom of a greater problem.


I agree that some people are misinformed about what it actually is, but I find that most medical treatises do indicate that consuming alcohol is a symptom of a much larger problem...mainly the 'disease of alcoholism'. Experts will tell you it is a "bio-psycho-social" disease, meaning that it affects you not only biologically, but also psychologically and socially. Therefore, all aspects of the disease need to be treated. Many experts are seeing a correlation between PTSD, depression and alcoholism.

There is also much excitement in the field of addiction research around the idea of an "addiction gene". Of course, this is very controversial.

My point is that the disease 'concept' incorporates the idea of a much larger problem, well beyond the consumption of alcohol. Those who are well informed, approach recovery in this light. Maybe you've been talking to some misinformed people? ;-) Because your idea about the problem reaching beyond drinking is widely accepted with recovery experts.


I find that a lot of misinformation about 'the disease' comes out of the rooms of AA. This is not surprising, as it is not a regulated treatment centre. It is a social group that deals with supporting addicts. I do believe it is a worthwhile organisation, but I also believe that your recovery can only go so far if you don't get 'outside' help. If you don't deal with the underlying causes of the disease, you will probably drink again. This is why there is such a high relapse rate amongst recovering alcoholics, IMO.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 86
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History
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/18/2006 12:25:18 PM

I broke up with her because If a person truely loves you they can stop (Binge) drinking to prove how much you mean to them.


Nice idea ~ too bad it's not that way.


I find that a lot of misinformation about 'the disease' comes out of the rooms of AA. This is not surprising, as it is not a regulated treatment centre. It is a social group that deals with supporting addicts. I do believe it is a worthwhile organisation, but I also believe that your recovery can only go so far if you don't get 'outside' help. If you don't deal with the underlying causes of the disease, you will probably drink again. This is why there is such a high relapse rate amongst recovering alcoholics, IMO.


The same applies to addicts. NA, CA, SA, etc. are not the only option. And for some, not the best option.
 wildandcrazy
Joined: 8/29/2006
Msg: 87
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/19/2006 5:59:58 AM
I like the taste of beer, and that's why I drink it, a lot. Does anyone believe that?
 tj7
Joined: 11/7/2005
Msg: 88
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/19/2006 6:13:45 AM
My second husband is an alcoholic and has been for many many years. When he's sober, he's the sweetest most loving, caring man ever. When he's drunk, he's a mean drunk. He's never physically hit me, but his verbal and mental attacks are unbelieveable. He gets mad at the littliest things and I'm the one that is always at fault - never him. That got old REAL quick.

I'm a very strong person and thought that I could handle it, but after awhile, I started to lose the sense of who I really am inside. I knew that it was time to stop being an understanding person and get the hell out of that relationship. I was tired of always wondering what the next "sling" would be at me. I got tired of basically "living alone".

He had promised me that when it was my weekend or week with my children, there would not be beer in the house and he would not drink. Well, that worked for about 2 years, then it slowly started to come into their lives and I was NOT going to let them be apart of it - my kids were not used to that behavior and I was NOT going to let them be subjected to it. When he wasn't drinking, he was a very good stepfather and they loved him. That slowly started to fade. Does he know that he's an alcoholic - ABSOLUTELY, but he feels that he can control it and that he doesn't drink that much - he refuses to get help.

I kicked his ass out 1-1/2 years ago and have only looked forward. Yes, he still bothers me and has made my life a living hell at times - especially when he's drinking. But for me, the sun still rises every morning and you always get a brand new start.

Has it affected my personal dating life at this time - YES.........I look more closely now at a guy as to whether he is a barfly and how much he drinks.

Before my second husband, I was never concerned with it - mainly because obviously I was naive to alcoholism - I wasn't raised in a house with a lot of alcohol, I had my teenage and early 20's days of drinking and partying alot, but that stopped once I got married the first time and had children. My first husband never had a problem with drinking. So, I'm not a hypocrite about drinking, but living with an alcoholic sure could change me to be that way though.

I will NEVER be subjected to that lifestyle again.......I'm a strong person and I won't stand for it and I will never, ever again subject my children to it.

If you're in a relationship with an alcoholic and he refuses to get help - GET THE HELL OUT NOW!!!!!
 buckheadlooker
Joined: 9/15/2006
Msg: 89
Hiding Their Drinking
Posted: 9/19/2006 6:22:18 AM
I dated a guy that hid his drinking from me. By the time I discovered that he was an alcoholic, I was full blown in love with him. It has been VERY painful getting over him.

Thank you for these posts on alcoholism.
 boisegoodbadboy
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 90
Hiding Their Drinking
Posted: 9/19/2006 8:23:11 AM
for those who still have a mind of their own and not an aa or alanon cloned one..


THE TWELVE STEPS REVISITED

When you want what you never had, you must do what you have never done.


1. I can and do have power over alcoholism and other addictive or abusive dysfunctional behaviors, and that my life is becoming more manageable when I choose not to cross the line from being a victim to a volunteer in its, or their perversions.

2. Came to believe, and most importantly accept, the God given power of my mind, heart, and soul; not only to restore my sanity, but also to exercise my right to pursue a happy, fulfilling, and rewarding life by making choices that are good for me at the time, regardless of what others may think.

3. Made a decision to seek out the truth of God, not as I may now understand Him, but how I need to learn His care for me by listening to instead of debating my innermost gut feelings, and going with them to care for myself without feeling guilty.

4. Made a list of all my good qualities including the smallest things that I think may be insignificant. I will not practice false humility by pretending not to have what I actually do have. What others may condemn or criticize about me could very well be God's gifts of who I am, and I give thanks back to God for these gifts by recognizing, accepting, and using them.

5. Thanked God for the wisdom to accept His gifts of who and what I am, and to share with other human beings the exact nature of my gifts and goodness even if they are rejected by some.

6. Became open to have God remove my fears and show me through Him, and also through others how to develop all my wonderful gifts and qualities to their fullest potential while working on converting my faults into attributes.

7. Enthusiastically asked God to help raise my standards; to give me the strength to maintain my boundaries of self-respect and integrity; and when needed, the courage to say NO, or no more.

8. Made a list of how I had been violated and/or harmed by the toxic person(s) in my life, and also other areas where I feel the need of healing. Knowing that I have the power to change, I take responsibility for myself, by giving to myself what I need without feeling undeserving or selfish.

9. I will not enable or participate any further in the cover up of lies, deceit, or the truth of the matter because I will no longer carry any imposed burden or guilt of feeling responsible for the consequences of a perpetrator's behavior, words, or actions.

10. I will continue to develop my gifts and talents by being open-minded to admit and learn from my mistakes; also being open to other possibilities and ways to better myself in reaching some of my hopes, dreams, aspirations, and goals.

11. For my spirit to be free to flourish, I will stop denying the existence of my deepest feelings that I've buried in the past. I will now and always try my very best to be truthful with myself; to feel my feelings, processing them through accountability, but without excessive self-ridicule or fear of ridicule from others.

12. With the returning of my self-esteem and dignity as a result of these steps, I now strive to be the best that I can be, but never doing so in the ignorance nor arrogance that these steps are the only principles that should be practiced in all my affairs. There will always be room for improvement and; a better way to be found that is available in the world's wealth of wisdom, knowledge, information, and advice. The choice is solely mine...
 Lilium1
Joined: 8/6/2006
Msg: 91
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/19/2006 9:21:15 AM
Sounds like a nice place to fall in love; Sometimes our environment heightens the feeling of falling in love. The romantic stage; we can stay in that place for a short time, then we are faced with reality of who we are. With alcoholism and other personal issues, we need to make the changes for our own self worth and to prove things to ourselves, when we have to change to prove something to someone else who loves us then it is unconditional love and the likelyhood of the healing is lessoned. Sometimes we need to step away from the situation so the person can work out their issues for themselves and make a positive change that will last. A person who is an alcoholic needs to seek professional help and support. You have made a step in the right direction of moving on, you have planted a seed of thought in her mind and maybe that is what you were meant to do.

Good luck to you

Lilium1
 WhiteFlames
Joined: 8/3/2006
Msg: 92
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/19/2006 11:14:41 AM
My ex was an alcoholic. So was my father.
Unless they want to stop, it's not gonna happen.
And even if they want to, still got to hope they'll be strong enough to succeed.
 kate123*
Joined: 8/23/2006
Msg: 93
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/19/2006 11:20:42 AM
i was married to an alcohlic for seven yrs,it didnt matter what i said or done he could'nt or would'nt kick the habit,i suffered all those yrs of abuse and torment,he got very depressed,he really went down hill,i tried and tried to get him help,it did'nt work,the end productwas he told me was going shopping and i never saw him alive again,he hanged himself on the 6th sept this year
 drtywhtboy
Joined: 4/21/2006
Msg: 94
Hiding Their Drinking
Posted: 9/19/2006 11:25:20 AM
thanks for that boisie. i have always maintained that while the big book of aa is a fine template for living your life, alcoholic or not. to use it as the only tool to stay sober seems kind of out dated. the book is nearly 70 years old and i would like to think we have come up with some fresh ideas since then
 eyes36
Joined: 9/12/2006
Msg: 95
view profile
History
Hiding Their Drinking
Posted: 9/20/2006 6:35:22 AM
Al-Anon worked wonders for me
Living with the effects of someone who is suffering from alcoholism is devastating.
I got out,but I still am effected and will be for the rest of my life.
My prayers are with anyone whom suffers from this on either side.
 sexyfuncassie
Joined: 9/11/2006
Msg: 96
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/20/2006 7:35:54 AM
Hey there. I know how you feel. I was in a rel. for 9 yrs with a drinker. Oh it was just beer so "it was OK". Never mind the fact that he couldn't control himself and his actions. Or that he'd come home from work, drunk, to start yelling at me for hours. In front of our children. , before he passed out for the night. Sound like fun?? No...it's just beer. It's not anything "hard" that will destroy our family. Yeah...thank god I finally had the nerve to leave. My children deserve better. Alcohol can destroy any relationship. Some can be good drunks...some bad. I don't care to take the time to find out. Any issue with drinking...ever...makes me run the other way. I don't understand it? How could he not see what he was doing? So here I am...on this site...and I start chatting with a guy. We chatted on here for a couple weeks when he decided to come on drunk. LOL...what a mistake!!! I was told I should "drop my kids off at the local petro can" so I could come meet him. LOL. Oh boy...why do I ever bother?? So he writes me the next day saying he won't drink anymore, he knows it's a problem, blah, blah, blah. He's since been blocked. I have no time for bullshit excuses. No time for alcohol. It's done it's damage here. Thx for letting me rant on here!!!
Cassie
 eyes36
Joined: 9/12/2006
Msg: 97
view profile
History
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/21/2006 4:27:33 PM
I used to think my boyfriend ~now ex~was too smart for A.A,I searched for a better way and came up empty-handed.
 soba
Joined: 7/25/2004
Msg: 98
view profile
History
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/21/2006 5:50:53 PM
I just went through the same thing, only a 4 month relationship but seemed like a lifetime. When my ex drank she got extremly flirty and would drink to the point of blackouts and wouldnt remember what happened.

Like you I broke up with her when I realized how bad her drinking was and told her I couldnt live this kind of life...though she guilt tripped me by talking about going down the tubes after this and even hinting at suicide. She cried about how alcohol was ruining her life and she loses things she loves...so on an agreement to get back I said I would only if she quits drinking and drugging and gets some serious treatment and i'd help her everystep of the way and both go to counceling.


Things were fine for a good while till she went to visit her family ( who are all heavy drinkers ). The first night she drank and phoned me at 3 am crying about how she wished she didnt go and begged me to come get her and apologizing. At the time however I couldnt get her. She ended up staying there for 4 nights drinking away. To make a long story short she ended up cheating on me, first lying about it then confessed later. I ended up sticking with her thinking now she really needs help and because i felt sorry for her for such a rough upbringing.

Anyhow time passed and eventually she started going out more with her friend, spending more time with her visiting other friends than home with me...the last night she said shed be home at 8pm and told me that after work at 3...she ended up not even coming home and i phoned work and she did make it in. I ended it that day and got her to pack her stuff...while packing she said you didnt even give me time to explain....she figured i broke up cause i thought she was drinking but it was the fact that she was going back to her old ways, and not calling and not even coming home....I realized that trying to help her beat alcohol was a losing battle because although she said she was quiting for both of us, i realized then it was just to stay with me....so when she gave up and lost the respect to even call me to say she was ok I gave up...though it hurts it's better for both in the longrun. For her she gets another dose of reality of why she needs to quit and for me I learned to stop getting into relationships trying to save people.

Anyone that falls in love with an alcoholic and your not one, I wish you good luck, your going to need it.
 gblvdgirl
Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 99
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/21/2006 6:05:52 PM
I have the same exact story. 17 years, 2 kids, recently separated for 1 month. I couldn't take it any longer. I do love him but not in that way anymore.
 noso
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 100
Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 9/21/2006 7:03:36 PM
mod's please delete
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