| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 1/21/2008 7:02:22 PM | REUPTAKE... Thank your lucky stars this "event" in your life... called a marriage... lasted less than a year!
On our journey through life, we meet many souls with whom we interact, exchange energy, and learn from. You are lucky this fellow enchanced your growth.. and very smart to get out of it as soon as possible, before pregnancy and children and repopulating the Earth with potential alcohol addicts.
SAying good-bye to this fellow can be done with an open heart, saing thank you for all you've learned. You could not have learned more at a four-year University. | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/11/2008 3:27:47 PM | | I never cared how much someone drank because I sure know I can have some fun sometimes myself. What's sad though is how alcoholics can hurt the people who mean the most to them. It will take losing the love of their life or something that can't be replaced before they get it. They never realize how much they hurt other people and it's always the people they love the most who get it the worst. Word of advice- stay away from alcoholics. Run fast and don't look back. They take far more than they give and they never pay it back. | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/11/2008 4:00:39 PM | I think you gave it a good try...alkies are like leopards...they never change their spots..just their watering holes. What I mean by this is, the addictive behavior is a lifetime of trying to be whole. Even if she quit drinking, the other dry hurt personality comes out. The one she was covering up while drunk. I have spent alot of time in the islands and know what you mean, everything is a celebrations and often involves booze . One big happy party! I have also had my lifetime of experience with drunks and AA. ( eyerolling inserted here) . I am sure it is a stepping stone for some but the majority fail in AA. (90-95% Failure rate.). I have yet to meet anyone from AA that stuck with it, and had anything good to say about it. One guy said it was like going back into the lions den of addiction..alot of enablers there and trading up one addiction for another. I am not trying to convince anyone here..I am entitled to my opinion..so no bashing me for my experience and research. Good luck if that works for you. OP I think focusing on the better healthier things in life will be a nicer road. I am sorry you had a tough time of it... | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/11/2008 6:11:42 PM | In any organization in this world, there will be people there that dont contribute to what the organization stands for. If this guy said it was like going back into the lions den of addiction.. plain and simple.. find other meetings.. meet different people. Ive been sober just over 7 years now... and have had functions here in my house with people that statistically.... 100 percent success rate from the time they walked through the doors of A.A. And we are talking sobriety of over 25 years with a few of these indivduals, many with 10 plus years.
From my experience, people who dont change there attitudes, there outlook on life, there habits, dont stay sober. They are also the ones who dont stick around long enough to give this program a chance. The best thing for anyone involved with an Alcoholic, whether practicing or not... is to walk through the doors of Al-Anon... and stick around... give it a chance. Just might work for ya. | |
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kgrl08
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Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 130 | |
| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/12/2008 4:03:54 AM | | Alcohol ruined a 2yr relationship for me also,this man drank from am to pm,in beginning didnt think it was severe,it was just beer,and he would eat! But then the jekyl /hyde came out in him,he was verbally,emotionally abusive,threats,temper explosions,cops bein called etc,he cheated and then physically choked me,Love is not restraining orders,cops knowing its you again,because he drunk and goin crazy on you! The sad thing is,this man is still on this site and meeting new women,I hope they see the flags faster than I did! | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/12/2008 6:18:43 AM | Yes ,I so can relate.This is why I am single,and on p.o.f.Before I get into my story,I would like to add island life can get a bit boring with not much to do ,Iknow from living in Nassau for almost 8 years,I can relate to the binge drinking been there done that.I didnt drink every day but when I would start I just couldnt have one.Every one I hung out with were partiers of course except for my boyfriend yea he partied some what but wasnt that much fun.(I hate to say)At the time.I dont know the ages of you two?I was in my twenties from early to late.For me being on an island 27 by 7 theres not much to do .I see how people fall into this pattern.I am older now and the tables have turned.
Karma's a ****!
My ex is a great guy(were friends) one day I had to say enough is enough and I moved out .He drinks atleast a 12 a day plus smoking weed every day,but when he would get on the rum a complete nightmare,for one I felt I had 2 parrots in the house lol....
my stress level was sky high,zanex was my best friend .He's so talented and smart he just doesnt care(thats sad)I felt as I were in a relationship by my self and I became really lonley, for me I turned to the internet.He tells me all the time he is changing a few days here and there is not change.
I know how you feel this is so hard because ok say they cheat on you it would be so much easier to walk away but with substances you think to your self I'm a person they love me I am way more important than that.Wrong you leaving was the best ,you cant fix it no matter what you try .the book Codependent no more great book. (I was enabler for so long)no more..I hope this helped.One last thing I can say for me being single is hard I dont like it and I'm not use to being alone(I date nothing exclusive)I have lived alone now for 7 months and theres times where i sit here and I'm so lonley but I found out it passes and I refuse to settle just to void that lonliness.
Take care Michele | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/12/2008 6:24:43 PM | Alcohol ruined a 2yr relationship for me also,this man drank from am to pm,in beginning didnt think it was severe,it was just beer,and he would eat! But then the jekyl /hyde came out in him,he was verbally,emotionally abusive,threats,temper explosions,cops bein called etc,he cheated and then physically choked me,Love is not restraining orders,cops knowing its you again,because he drunk and goin crazy on you! The sad thing is,this man is still on this site and meeting new women,I hope they see the flags faster than I did!
kgrl..why did u posted uyr naked pics at horneymatch.com then? is it was his fault too? | |
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kgrl08
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Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 135 | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/12/2008 11:34:45 PM | | I am so sorry Kgrl,I have had a bad confuse,you are a nice woman and hope so you can find the right one for your life...the woman at another site was a mistake...please...sorry... | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/13/2008 2:04:34 AM | Sorry ""Possible debate "'Here goes " Addiction is what it is it is easy to call the kettle Black but hey who is everyone deceiving ? there is more addictions than a person who overdrinks ? ? what about overeaters? acheivers ''gamblers 'sex perverts 'Bingo' Anorexia 'heroin 'meth 'ADD 'OCD''Everyone is afflicted with some Flaw and unacceptable characteristic that we do not want to accept .
The people you fell in Love with were intoxicated ? Right ???but you Loved them and connected
and now"" they are a deal gone wrong '''Why ? Too much Money ? To much what?
What if a person does not want to live in Reality ? what if a person does not want
to be in control ? Or is Controlling as you ? what if a person just cannot cope with all the drama and mans or womans expectations of what they ought to be ? what if a person just wants to escape and this a the only out they have ? what if a person wants to be in an oblivious state or just wants to have some fun ? and what if a person wants to be free and feel young as you or I did does tha mean they are Alcoholics "'Not everyone is a lo down dirty drunk or not worth Helping^^^^
Cause you were or not labeled ? ???? Or have not been caught YET ? Give people a break .........Try not to be so Judgemental """People who are younger than you wants to have some fun just as you did years back ""Reflect '' friends
We were all young once .....................................................
Also not everyone is a Alcoholic by choice and nither are thay doomed or all the blame be put on there shoulders for every fault ' chaos'drama or contempt ...........
Hallehluah """""Brothers and Sisters
Acceptance "'Accept ye one another ?
Some people drink to medicate ( pain ) some drink for the High and some drink for courage and some drink for FUN "" And some drink to be down right mean and cruel !
Some drink out of Loneliness """And some people are Adiicted just because it bit them in the BUTT ............................Or some folks chose a bite on the butt "'But If that is the case Ask God to help you cause you cannot do alone and he will !!!!!!!Amen
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kgrl08
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Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 139 | |
| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/13/2008 6:51:18 AM | | I really liked what you said about how alcoholics can hurt the ones who mean the most to them,Iam an example of that,and he hurt me the worst,the" Love of his Life "was his beer,and chasing and cheatin with women behind my back,we were together for 2yrs,I even tried to join him,didnt work for me,I couldnt keep up with him,in the end I found the most selfish,unsupportive man I have ever known,wish I had seen the flags before I fell and had my heartbroken by this mean self-absored man,its sad because he doesnt have the capacity to love or give of him self,and he will continue to drink and hurt others along the way,like you said maybe it will take the loss of something significant in his life for him to see,but losing me,loving me was not it,he chose the booze instead | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/13/2008 6:08:29 PM | An addictive personality is what it is..........unless he/she is in recovery and HAS been for a while, you are taking on a huge slew of problems that aren't yours. Recovery is different for everyone as it's the progress and mindset that are most important....not the amount of time sober (well that's important too). I've known folks who were "sober" for quite some time but hadn't made any progress whatsoever on working through their addictive personality.....replacing one addiction for another for another for another.
I found this very thought provoking...I find it ever so amazing that anyone that has dated or married one won't ever do it again...and everyone that caused a family upheaval with their drinking...feels justified in their behavior with one excuse after another.They quit drinking so what they did just doesn't matter? Its an insult to those who tried to love you through your addiction. It does matter what you did as..maybe you don't remember it, due to blackouts, denial, or anebriation, (but you remember how many days you haven't had a drink). Your loved ones remember every harsh time you put them through. I have found a few here that never said they felt awful for what they put their families through, and feel sorrow for the emotional roller coaster they put them on. They just lash out at others to take the limelight off of their own poor choices.
Its great for those that quit and continue to try to stay sober in their recovery.My hats off to those who truly wish to have peace instead of manipulation and chaos in their lives.
The families of alkies didn't make you drink, and if you are really serious about changing the family pattern, you would be humble that you are still alive and allow those you hurt to have their say without the shame based self righteous comments. ( don't read it if you don't like what you see). You decided to drink...we are not the doormat for your poor choices. If you listened to the pain you cause it might transform you into the whole person you want to be. If you don't want to hear the pain you have caused...stay in denial. It doesn't make the pain you caused disappear. I feel pity for those who put their arrogance ahead of their loved ones. I have yet to meet a couple in an alcoholic relationship that are happy..its always a power struggle...so why start one to begin with. I have watched the rise and fall...maybe they think they deserve all this pain they create..just don't take everyone else down with your ship. We are all human and have a right to be ourselves..not what someone dished out for us to be. | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/13/2008 6:25:09 PM | | Denial and blame.....they won't admit they are alcoholics and have a problem....they blame everyone else for all the misfortune in their lives and the alcohol when they get drunk and do things that hurt those who love them....and underlying it all is this feeling of hopelessness,boredom,lack of fun,lack of everything and soon they really do lack everything and have nothing except the trusty bottle...we don't really look on alcoholism as seriously as we do and most of the time we are enablers for their chosen life style...I think alcoholics are all self centered and shallow even tho they try hard not to be,it shows by the way they treat those closest to them....and we are abused by them...and it is just as hard to break away from them as it is for them to break away from their addicition...why?...because we feel sorry for them....and that,is our addiction... | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/14/2008 2:53:48 AM | | Addiction is cruel...to everyone it touches....to the addict...to their victims....it is an entity we dont understand...and dont care to. To those who have reached out....the programs work...to those who havent....god bless...the cruelty will continue...I believe that we all have the right/ability to make choices....and have a responsibility to do so...but our capability can be hindered....I dont think for a minute that anyone who has succumed to addiction wouldnt make different choices....its a powerful, cunning disease....call it what you like....your best defense will always be offense....but there is a world of people out there who are loving in spite of the challenges they face and combat every day...I admire them.....and they are my family (kudos to Ward... my brother)...and they would never abandon me or leave me behind....they know how that feels. | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/15/2008 1:36:17 PM | I found some interesting information, I thought you might like to read so bear with me. It really reveals how the forum posters that want to pick fights with others, harm those who are there to discuss in a mature fashion.I wonder if they come here to argue because they can't do this in their meetings. Please no pies thrown at me....just an FYI. Here goes:
What A.A. Does NOT Do
* Recruit members or furnish initial motivation for alcoholics to recover.
* Keep membership records or case histories.
* Follow up or try to control its members. see below.
( but some in forums alkies do this all the time with non members)
* Make medical or psychological diagnoses or prognoses. See below.
( they do this all the time in forums too especially to people they don't like and feel defensive towards. deflection, denial, and name calling, as in "youre crazy" or "youre ignorant" or "you need help". to name a few.)
* Provide hospitalization, drugs, or medical or psychiatric treatment.
* Provide housing, food, clothing, jobs, money or other such services.
* Provide domestic or vocational counseling.
( funny some say they do counseling with their own, I thought they didn't do this?!)
* Engage in or sponsor research.
* Affiliate with social agencies (though many members and service offices do cooperate with them. They need to know AA isn't the ONLY way to recovery).
* Offer religious services. ( pray for you when you don't buy into their distorted thinking).
* Engage in any controversy about alcohol or other matters.
( if this is true why are the alkies here engaging in controversy about alcohol and other matters?)
* Accept money for its services or contributions from non-A.A. sources.
* Provide letters of reference to parole boards, attorneys, court officials, schools, businesses, social agencies, or any other organization or institution.
This was taken from a recovery site that does not use AA as a form of recovery and the site has a better recovery rate than AA (which is 90-95% failure rate in AA). Thought I would share this..its very interesting... | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/15/2008 1:51:11 PM | Hey there
Okay I am sure the other peeps have covered this but for my sixpence worth
Any form of addiction is to forget the deep well of pain inside the other person. You met this person after the damage. The only person you can protect is yourself - no matter how much you loved her - her pain is with her and she carries it around like the proverbial camel with a hump.
This gal has to work on herself - if she ever realises that work needs to be done. There are plenty of fish out there - who deserve you and what you have to give. Do not look back - just forward - get throught the rain to the sunshine - you deserve it.
We may not have chosen wisely in the past who we gave our heart to but we can choose to love wisely in the future... Read Anthony Robbins Get the Edge on Relationships and remember we all can make educated choices.....
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/15/2008 2:08:39 PM | I dated an alcoholic and almost married one. There was no way he was changing his ways. No matter what, even when I left him.
I've learned two very important things living with an alcoholic:
1) I am not the cause and I am not the cure.
2) Not to be an enabler.
Put these two things in your back pocket.....it'll help you huge! | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/15/2008 7:39:47 PM | i was together with my ex husband for 13 years before we decided to get married years ago. the marriage only lasted 5 years his alcoholism ended the marriage he was in denial, and i could not live with an alcoholic. rehab did not work and many times there is a family history of alcoholism-in his case his father was a recovering alcoholic... no one is perfect and i have learned to live "one day at a time" and can take it or leave it when it comes to drinking, i can have a good time sober.
Sandbug | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/15/2008 10:32:33 PM | Life is pretty poor living with someone whi is wallowing in drink and self pity.
You can do better and there are plenty of people out there who live without having to get drunk every day. | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/16/2008 7:04:01 AM | | If A.A. does not keep membership records or case histories... how can it be quoted that there is a 90-95% failure rate? And... A.A. members will go on 12th step calls... to the sick and suffereing STILL PRACTICING ALCOHOLIC to try to get them to come to meetings. A.A. members (usually sponsers, writing in behalf of there sponsee's) will write letters to be examined by parole officers, probation officers, court officials, etc, AS SOMETIMES THE OFFICIALS REQUEST IT. | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/16/2008 8:55:16 AM | Old man hes been sober 28 years and has been to many meetings all over as he travels alot. He said its the same everywhere..I know many alcoholics that feel the same way and yes the failure rate overall is 90-95% failure rate. They sought alternative recovery outside of the AA organization, and it was very successful. I am proud of you that you choose sobriety over the alternative..best of luck to you.
PS yes there is alot of research and literature floating around that contradicts statistics but he found that the contradictions were that AA writes their own literature, and for whatever reason they are not accurate. I thought maybe they were trying to encourage the addict? The scientific stats have been done over the last 20 years, involving thousands of alcoholics and recovering alcoholics. They were done by recovered alcoholics. I will try and find the site for you. I am under the impression its to be anonymous too..the list I gave you was from a place that doesn't use AA as a recovery tool..so their sources of that list are anyones guess. It was just interesting. Alot of contradictions. I mean this post as a discussion not to offend. From your point of view, have you used other methods of recovery with AA? If so what did you do? | |
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| Alcoholism, the rise and fall of a relationship.
Posted: 3/16/2008 8:59:18 AM | | Sandbug~ Did you have any alkies in your family? I always read if you grow up with an alcoholic parent you either become one or marry one. I don't think this is fully true as I heard it from an alkie and their thought process sometimes is very distorted. Was this your experience too? Its fun not to drink..I never have and never will... | |
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