| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/12/2006 7:09:00 PM | This is a question I still struggle with everyday!!
My 5 year old has not seen his biological father since he was 1 1/2. He does not contribute to his life in any way nor has he made any inquiry as to whether or not our little boy is even alive.
For the most part my son is a happy, well adjusted little boy. But sometimes I see a certain sadness in him when he talks about having a Dad. It's really heartbreaking for me.
But in saying that would i pick up the phone or write a letter or send a picture myself. No way!!
Because for those fleeting moments when he experiences this small pain of longing I know there awaits a whole heart full of grief for him were i but to open that door.
So instead i keep a journal and fill it with all the questions and answers that he may ever want to know about his Dad and I hold him and love him more than any two parants could!! | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/13/2006 1:00:47 PM | I went through the same thing when my fourteen year old daughter was an infant. Her so-called Dad only came around when it was convenient for him. He would come stay with us for a day or so and wouldn't come back for weeks. I eventually cut off contact with him but I didn't cut off the contact between him and his daughter. If he wanted to, he could've chose to be in her life, but he decided not to be.
Recently, about a couple months ago, he showed up at my door wanting to come in for a visit.(he was intoxicated) Imagine that, after 14 years he just shows up and expects to pick up where he left off. By the way, he's hardly ever paid any child support and never once sent a birthday gift or christmas gift. I do feel bad for my daughter not knowing her biological father, but If he was really serious about getting to know her, wouldn't he come to visit her when he was sober enough so that they could talk and get to know each other?
This really sucks but I think that she's better off not knowing him because empty promises are far worse then no promises at all in the eyes of a child. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/13/2006 1:22:18 PM | For a man to help bring kids into the world and not even take the responsablity and time to spend with something he help created is no man at all ....end of story. As far as child support
he should help with what ever he can. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/13/2006 5:06:10 PM | my ex is kinda the same way....i feel for you it's hard to think that your baby could eventually be hurt! honestly i grew up with no parents, i had my grand-parents which i thank god for everyday....but she won't know that he doesn't give you money unless you make it known. and kids just should know that kind of responsiblity.....i've had to do alot of thinking when it comes to this too adn i honestly believe that your daughter will thankyou for allowiing her daddy to be apart of her life as long he isn't harming her. when she is old enough to see right from wrong she'll see it cause she was raised by an amazing woman who put her child's needs before her emaotional wants or financial wants/needs.
i say good for you for being the bigger and better person :)
congrats :) | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/13/2006 6:17:47 PM | | I think a deadbeat dad is better than no dad at all. My baby's dad dumped me when I was 6 weeks pregnant because he didn't want another kid. She just turned one month old yesterday with no dad anywhere around. Even though he's been a jerk to me, I would have him around if he wanted just so she could have some kind of dad in her life. I think kids need both parents, sadly we can't always control that. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for the best. | |
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jossi
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Joined: 3/2/2006
Msg: 82 | |
| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/21/2006 1:51:40 AM | | Sorry haven't read all the threads here but I would deffinitelly advise you to keep up the relationship for your child. What might be really enoying for you today could become very, very important to your child when they are older. It would be nice if he suppported you financially, if he commited to regular visits. But by the sound of if, none of that is happening. I feel with you but would advise you not to break the fine string of relationship. Chances are he will get more stable and you will be in better possition then as well. If you would like to talk more, my mail is renata1611@hotmail.com | |
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jossi
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Joined: 3/2/2006
Msg: 83 | |
| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/21/2006 1:54:07 AM | | I forgot to mention that I think she will not get hurt from seeing him iregurally at this point- there is always chance you will have things more together when she is older. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/23/2006 8:28:49 AM | Tough call in my opinion. M youngest daughter has never been claimed by her father. He told me he shot blanks before I got pregnant with her older sister. Imagine my surprise! Back then I was young and naive. He has never claimed our youngest daughter. My husband that passed last year claimed her as his child when she was 7. He was the kind of father any child would be proud to call Dad and she did. In the end she always felt cheated, because her Bio fatherdidn't want her. People thought her and her older sister were the same child for years and years. Her bio father claims that she looked nothing like him so I must have cheated on him. her older sister looked just like him...and so did she.
Deadbeat Dad better then no Dad....? Unfortunately I would say yes, because at least my daughter would never have felt unwanted by her father. I despise people who lie, maybe I could have lied to her and said he wasn't her father, but then I would have had to tell another lie to come up with someone who was...or made myself look bad because I lied and said I didn't know. NOPE!! Honestly is the best policy and a deadbeat Dad is better then no dad. An abusive dad however....is no Dad at all.
My humble...or not so humble opinion...your decision.. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/23/2006 12:11:12 PM | Honesty is the most important thing. This means don't make excuses for him forgetting birthdays and don't say he had to work when he didn't. Tell them the truth. SOmetimes daddy doesnt realize how important his time with you is. He loves you verymuch , he just has trouble showing you. It is better to be honest. I tell my daughter. Daddy may not be the kind of daddy you want him to be or the kind that I want him to be, but he is your daddy and he does love you. Accept him for who he is and realize that he is doing the best he can.
If he is there for even one day a month, at least he is there.
Positive comments can bring a positive attitude. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/23/2006 1:52:25 PM | | No dad is better than a convenient one. Just make sure that when the child is old enough that you make all the effort you can to show your child that you have been and you will continue to try to get the other involved...so there will be no resentment towards you. But in all honesty the childs best interest is in a parent who will be there always. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/23/2006 2:40:13 PM | I dont think Id like to be a child wondering why dad wants to only come see me when he wants to, not taking my feelings into consideration.
If a child has grown up without the op around, its all they ever know. Im sure later on when grown, they might wonder, but they wont know any different because they havent lived it any different.
**You cant miss what you never had** | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/23/2006 8:25:34 PM | Hey juicyfruit,
I just went through that exact thing with my 5 year old. Her dad lives 5 minute away and he rarely came around. She was suffering big time, confused, sad, and always asking if daddy had forgot about her. It was terrible and I didn't know what to do because you can't force them to see their kids. I went to my lawyer and some child phsychologist and asked what is best for a child, a dad that is constantly dissapointing them or a dad that is out of the picture. They said the dissapointment is much harder on them. So I gave my ex the option of either commiting to a regular visitation schedule or loosing access. Thankfully, he decided to step up and we came to a consences on what days he would come, and I had it court ordered so if he went back to his ways he would loose his access rights. Now my daughter is happy and looks forward to her days with daddy.
You need to file for an access agreement that is workable for both. Your child needs consitancy and routine in her life, and when she gets older she will be able to depend on certain days that she sees daddy. It will also allow her to develope trust in him. And you need to be able to live your life to your own schedule not his. Thankfully your child is still young and isn't effected so much by this yet, and hopefully he will comply to the court order and have a healthy relationship with her.
Best of luck!! | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/23/2006 8:33:48 PM | | in my sons case..no father is better than the dead beat i gave him. my ex told me as recently as 4 mos ago that he doesnt care if our son lives or dies. that he is nothing to him. he has only seen our son once outside of court..and that was when he was 1 mos old and still in the hospital( he was born extremely premature) my sons 2nd bday is in 1 wk and i dont even know if his father will bother to acknowledge it..he does pay that court ordered child support..but only because they take it out of his check. if the dads a loser..let him walk | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/23/2006 8:39:14 PM | ^^^^OMG!!! are you serious....that is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. I would care if anyones baby lives or dies.....how could he say that about his own child....I've heard it all now.....I hope you never let him near your son again...EVER!!! sick...sick...sick... | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/23/2006 11:38:15 PM | | I think a lot of single moms go through this. Not all men have the father instincts. My kids father don't help much financially and I have been fighting this for a number of years now. I should be a stockholder at the court house if it was just for my attendance. I have been advised by many not to let him him see the kids if he refused to give money or if he just want to see them at his convenience. However, I don't totally agree to that. I am still being bullied and (he tries) to control me but I am not giving in easily. I grew up in a culture where divorced/ separation is not allowed. We can only apply for annulment. As long as you see the love of a father to a child is present ( no abuse of any sort), your daughter will be better haaving a deadbeat dad than not having a father figure at all. Good luck and wish you all the best! | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/23/2006 11:41:53 PM | | I think a lot of single moms go through this. Not all men have the father instincts. My kids father don't help much financially and I have been fighting this for a number of years now. I should be a stockholder at the court house if it was just for my attendance. I have been advised by many not to let him him see the kids if he refused to give money or if he just want to see them at his convenience. However, I don't totally agree to that. I am still being bullied and (he tries) to control me but I am not giving in easily. I grew up in a culture where divorced/ separation is not allowed. We can only apply for annulment. As long as you see the love of a father to a child is present ( no abuse of any sort), your daughter will be better haaving a deadbeat dad than not having a father figure at all. Good luck and wish you all the best! | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/4/2007 4:45:57 PM | | So many unfortunate stories, it's hard to know which one to address. Like many women, I am also a single parent. I was with their father for 7 years and one day he decided that being a father of two children was too much for him. He disappeared one day, without a word. He didn't contact anyone, including his own family, for years. My children do not have contact with him however the "door" has always been left open. I have never uttered a bad word about, even though I could express sooo many. The door was open to him as well because although he is a deadbeat (so to speak), he is their father after all and it is up to them to decide if they want him a part of their life. I don't receive support either. A minimum was granted by the court as he thought he was being smart to quit his job the day before he went to court, figuring that without a job, the judge would not force him to pay anthing. Hahaha, joke was on him. Granted it is a very small amount, that was to be re-addressed at another time, he still never paid. I don't expect anything, so I don't miss it. I raise my kids and support them on my own. The laugh is on him though, as he has since had two more children. All in all, let the choice be your child's. If they are young, keep the door open, pictures in a photo album etc, so that they can decide for themselves and they have history and memories to call their own. "we" may not want their father a part of our lives anymore but that is not our choice to make when it comes to the child. The only time I would suggest cutting all ties, would be in an abusive situation. Best of luck to all of you out there. There are deadbeat moms out there too, remember that and just try to see the good in everyone, the best way you can. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/4/2007 5:33:53 PM | is a deadbeat dad better than no dad at all?. To your child-yes it is better to at least have met and spent time with your dad than not to have done so at all.
My friends father died fighting in the Gulf War before he had ever met him-and it hurts him every day that circumstances meant he never got a chance to get to know his own dad. At least this child has the chance to have a relationship with her father- some children never get that chance. So you shouldnt deny your child the opportunity.
Us guys arent all naturally good at all the nurturing stuff and at knowing how to look after a young child-maybe he feels awkward and doesnt quite know how to perform all the tasks a father should-but at least he turns up and WANTS to be a part of his child's life-be grateful for that. Some fathers , and indeed, some mothers, just abandon their kids through choice and never try and spend any time with their children.
Should you cut him out of the childs life because he doesnt change a diaper ? No
Should you encourage him to learn and try to be more involved? Yes-but even if he doesnt that should not mean your child gets deprived of her father- and she wont appreciate it if she grows up and finds out you cut him out. Children, where possible, need their dad.
Being a father isnt just about changing diapers and "doing all the things a dad should" -just spendin some quality time with their father- however little-is important to a child and makes them feel their father loves them-even if he didnt ever change their diaper.
So you need to allow that to happen and dont put too much pressure on him to change ,as he might just feel he is undervalued and walk away and that would not be good for the kid either.
Hope that helps. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/4/2007 7:53:17 PM | Hi
Same situation with me, everyone will tell you differently Im afraid some will say keep him away, while others will say a child needs both parents.
My advice: same advice that was given to me A CHILD NEEDS CONSISTANCY! I can't stand my son s dad he was in and out for years, mainly out, but for my son's sake I bite my tounge, I give him dates and times, if he don't show which is the norm, then at least I made an effort.
Good luck. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/4/2007 7:54:01 PM |
I'm a first time mom of a 3 month old baby girl, who is my world . Her dad comes around when it's convienient for him, maybe a half hour, twice a week. He doesn't help me out financially and he wont even change her diaper. When he is with her I can tell that he loves her but he doesn't do any of the stuff a dad is suppose to do. Is it better to let him be around when it is convienient for him or should I tell him to beat it? I don't want to deny my daughter of her dad but I also don't want her to get hurt from his lack of being a father.
To the OP:
I understand 100% what your going through.
Your daugther is only 3mths old, sometimes dads have a hard time bonding with such a little being. She doesnt really do much right now. I would wait until she gets a bit older, if in the next few years he is still being jerky then worry.
I also wouldnt push her onto him or be rude to him or it will just push him away. Just let him do his thing for now and get to know her.
I bet once shes 2 or 3 he will be able to have more fun with her.
I totally understand your concern though, i have a 2yr old son and his dad wasent very consistent the first year. But now he is and they both seem to enjoy spending time with eachother. So give it some time ...
good luck | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/4/2007 8:18:02 PM | | I have a son in law who is a okay kid but has never changed a diaper, does little for his kids except parent when he wants too, he is now 3 years in and two kids later, unless you are prepared to settle for a part time no account father, cut him loose, allow him to see her, but eventually he will loose interest and move on, do not wait for him, or expect much, move on with your life and find a good partner for you and your daughter. Let him see her, but do not quit living your life or plan on his support accept he will not be there for you in any way. You won't be let down and your daughter will never depend on someone who is just not there. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/4/2007 10:29:46 PM | Rivergirl-you cant miss what you never had? Wrong-my dads best mate never knew his father growing up-and he met him when he was 30. He was very hurt that he had never had a relationship with his dad-and had missed out on all that childhood and quality time they could have spent together-if you cant miss what you never had-how come he missed his dad so much?
It is always better for a child to know his dad and mum, where possible-why is it single mums so often have rivergirls attitude that a dad is not important to a child-if we were to say kids dont need mums it would cause outrage-well, children also need fathers it is about time we started realising that.
Some single mums seem to use any excuse to cut a dad out of a child's life "he didnt turn up for visitation on time" or "he missed his child-support payment this month" or "he doesnt do enough to get involved" . Many of my mates are in this situation with their ex-gfs and it makes me so angry that mothers think they have the right to just cut one half of their child's family out of their life for no good reason. It is the kid that suffers.
If your child loses a father because the father does not want to know his child then there is nothing you can do. BUT if the father wants to play a part AND loves his child as you said your ex clearly does, then for the childs sake, you should let him be there for his child. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/5/2007 12:05:12 PM | | Rivergirl-you cant miss what you never had? Wrong-my dads best mate never knew his father growing up-and he met him when he was 30 ----> I totally agree with cheeky! My son has always wanted his father in his life, no matter the circumstance and its hard on them no matter what. Mine has a big brothers program and he is great but my son still wants dad... | |
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