| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/5/2007 12:16:04 PM | If he's showing up once in a while and spending some time it's better than nothing.
If he's not being abusive or endagering her health there's no logical reason to restrict his access. It sounds like you want to do it to 'teach him a lesson' which isn't the right way to handle it. He's definitely being a loser and he needs to shape up but there are other ways to go about it.
Kids don't know what a dad is 'supposed to do' unless someone tells them. | |
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| my reply
Posted: 4/5/2007 4:57:40 PM | hi, juicyfruit...(im a gurl, and there's no way i'm calling you juicy...lol)
anyway, i happen to be a single parent of two kids...and my son is 17 now. hasn't seen his father in 4 years, unfortunately, i'm not downing men in general...i'm just trying to get you to where i am. as far as your issue, i would tell you, only because i've been where you are, i wouldn't toss dude out, just yet. let him stick around. as the others have said, a part-timer is better than none at all, and it could very well be that he doesn't know what to do or doesn't want to mess up. HOWEVER, kids are smarter than even we, as parents, believe them to be. your child will eventually know whether she can rely on her father, whether he'll be there for her, etc. she'll know. I say, let her figure it out when she does. i know it's burdensome for you, but she will eventually figure it out. in the meantime, like the other guy said, perhaps lay some boundaries, tell him you want him involved, and be specific. and see what he does.  | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/5/2007 8:54:25 PM | I am in the same postion and I say SCREW THEM!! why should we give them anymore chances?? What if we were to have just left our kids for days, weeks, or months?? What if we spent all of our paychecks and didnt buy diapers or food for our kids?? What if we refused to change their diapers and left it for someone else?? What would people think of us?? How many chances would we be given? NONE!!
As parents we are supposed to put our children first and protect them. Why keep someone in their life who doesnt love them enough to help them grow and keep them alive!!!??? | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/6/2007 8:39:28 AM | As parents we are supposed to put our children first and protect them. Why keep someone in their life who doesnt love them enough to help them grow and keep them alive!!!???
You have some good points! But taking those points aside who do you think your child will blame when you say no to even once a year? Dad for not being around for a year or more? Or mom for breaking up that one chance that dad might really want to be dad this time?
Trust me they think that way in many cases. Of course it doesn't justify what they do or don't do, but as parents we also have to hold back on our feelings against our ex's (as long as no harm is coming to the child) and let our children see for themselves. No one knows better when their dad is an ass than the child who grows up without one, and he or she needs to learn the hard way -sad to say.
My son's dad "sperm giver" preferred partying to being a dad, my son is now 13 , intelligent and has received many awards for his skills in hockey. Now "daddy" wants to share in the glory--GUESS WHAT my son said NO. Why ? because I didn't say no, I let him see for himself.
Sorry but reality can be hard on children...good luck | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/6/2007 12:53:04 PM | | by now your baby girl is close to a year i assume, and i am curious as to what you decided to do.....i have 3 girls 1 by a different father...He was locked up for 9 years and prior to that didnt have much to do with my daughter who is now 17. Having raised her by myself with no child support or emotional support i would have to tell you to take what you can get....a child needs both their mother and father growing up as long as they are not abusive or bad influences on them...i have watched my daughter go without a dad and now wish that she would get closer to him since he is out of jail, but since he wasnt in her life prior there is really no interest.....just my opinion | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/6/2007 9:36:00 PM | Hotlips-you are completely wrong-youre problem is you say SCREW THEM-as if it was about the fathers rights-you are missing the point it is not about the father-it is about the right of the child to know their father.
You are not just depriving the father of time with his kid, (because he did not change a diaper)-you are also now depriving the kid of his or her father. That is disgraceful.
Many children are abandoned by their father altogether-but youre child's father actaully wants to be involved-and you do not let him. That is a woefully selfish thing to do to youre own child.
you say SCREW HIM-as if you are just punishing the dad-but you are actually punishing the kid.Because kids need their dad.
It is not about "giving the dad chances" you should give youre child the chance to know their father.
And people do make mistakes and later, with time, they improve as parents-how can a father improve if he is not given another chance?
And even if the dad does not improve or doesnt get inciolved enough-youre child will still appreciate that you let him or her have a relationship with the father who helped bring the child into the world.
Remeber you are cutting one half of that child's family out of the kid's life.
I can tell you from personal experience Hotlips that children all want to know their fathers-even if they only get to spend a little time with them-youre child will not appreciate it in the long run, that you cut the father out of your child's life-because he did not "buy diapers or food". How dare you use that as an excuse to deprive youre child of a father?.
Some men are not great at changing diapers and caring for young kids-and it is not just about how much money they contribute- it is about a child spendin quality time with a father and every kid should have that chance-whatever mothers like you think. Should dads be encouraged to do more? yes. But should the fact he "spent his paycheck"-mean his child grows up without knowing the dad? No
Youre attitude is apalling-i hope for youre kids sake you have a rethink. and i hope youre advice is rejected. Some dads do not really deserve children. But you cannot change who the father is-and yourr child deserves to know his or her father. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/7/2007 7:48:09 AM | I am a 36 yr old mother of two, teenage girls, 14 and 13. They are my life line. Since they were born, I have been there every waking day for them. I have raised them to the best of my ability, alone. There father is not around and he does not do a thing for them. He has been ordered by the court of NC to pay $100.25 a week and he refuses to do so. He doesnt want to pay my bills for me. I have tried to force him to pay and tried to guilt him into paying, to no avail. It seemed to take all of my good energy away and it was replaced with hate and anger. I spent many nights crying, wondering how he could look at them, say he loved them and not care if they had things they needed, much less the things they "wanted. It drained the life out of me many times. I figured out for myself that hating him wasnt doing the girls any good. I then tried to just let him come around so that the girls would atleast have their father...and he showed them that he had only his best interest at heart. I have since then, cut his visitation and and any contact. The girls are doing well in school and have made many new friends since we've relocated to a small town in the middle of the state. I guess that all of our experiences are different and I know that it takes some men longer to "get it", I just wanted to share my experience hoping that maybe I could help someone in some way. I hope that you find the answer inside yourself. Just trust in God and do your very best to raise your baby to the best of your ability and keep her best interest at heart. You'll know what to do. Good luck to you and God bless.  | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/7/2007 8:38:50 AM | | No....its all about responsibility. Unless he becomes responsible and acts like a father, theres no sense in letting him play house with her. Drop him and tell him when he gets his shit together and can act like a responsible parent ...to include changing diapers and maybe buying some then he can be around her. Irresponsibility is contagious, no sense having her raised like that. Just my opinion ....i could be wrong | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/7/2007 9:53:43 AM | I think some dad around is better than no dad, i mean who knows in time he might actually grow up and do the right thing, you just never know what tomorrow may bring... in my case i am a single mother of 2 and have been raising them on my own for 6 years, their father unfortunately is never-ever around at all, he is MIA, we know he is still alive cause his family would of told us already if something happened to him, all we know is that he is around somewhere and in the same city for God sakes, but he does not come around to see his kiddos, i think part of the reason is that he is an alcoholic and drug addict and does not have a job, so i know he probably does not come around cause he is too embarrased to let our daughters see him in that condition and then not even be able to offer or help out financially in any way... its sad though, he is missing out the way i see it..
one day not too long ago, my daughter told me ... wow mom! sometimes i forget i even have a dad... that is so sad to me, cause he does not realize that our kids dont want him for money just for his emotional support and he does not see that.. thank God my kiddos dont need anything, they just wanted him around, but he couldn't even do that.... HOW SAD...
so in other words, it also depends on what you tell your child about her father, if you bring him down in front of her her talk bad about him her attitude will be a negative one towards him, you need to not do that, in this way you dont damage the father daughter relationship your child is entitiled to regardless of his lifestyle...
hope it all works out and hope this helps a little....
ciao,
Gypsy | |
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lkane
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Joined: 1/14/2007
Msg: 110 | |
| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/7/2007 3:54:26 PM | i'm in a similar situation with my 2 kids and thier dad. Things will probably only get worse. Sorry to say, but my experience has been extrememly painful for both me and my kids. First, I left to find work in another province, I took the kids, as he gave me permission. Then he follows me across the country and tries to sue me for custody, he loses, then doesn't pay child support. Claims he's with someone else and she want's to replace me as "the mother". Through all this he seen the kids twice in a year. He has made no effort to call or email...nothing. Still claims he's going to sue for custody(and win), and from what his mother tells me is living in and out of motels.
Honestly, don't envy your situation but it could balloon to a version of this if he's really stupid. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/7/2007 6:50:02 PM | Hammergirl-you say you cut visitation-do you not think your girls have the right to have a realtionshipw tith their father?
. You say he was irresponsible-but you are not punishing him-you are punishing youre girls. Becauser they would like to know their dad. Did it not occurr to you that it is in their interest to have a relationship with their father-even if he is not the best father in the world-he is still their father.
How can you play God over youre childen's lives like that? | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 7/26/2007 2:38:35 AM | | I totally agree with you on this one ,cheekyirishguy. My ex didn't want to pay child support but I never used that against him. I have even push him to have a relationship with his daughter. But because of non payment on child support, there is a warrant for his arrest and now he refused to see the kids. SAD and he blames it on me. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 7/26/2007 9:06:41 AM |
Wrong-my dads best mate never knew his father growing up-and he met him when he was 30
And Im sure that there was curiosity and he was happy. However, the yrs. missed cannot be made up to a young child. As we get older and mature, so does our thinking.
I have a friend who is 36. Dad was out of her life til adolesence. He then came in and out. Stayed away til she was 36. She met him once for lunch, didnt feel the connection. However, she didnt HATE him, but, she had no desire for a connection.
So yes, I still stand by, "You can never miss what you never had". | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 8/31/2007 11:16:32 AM |
As long as you see the love of a father to a child is present ( no abuse of any sort), your daughter will be better haaving a deadbeat dad than not having a father figure at all. 
That's the scenario I - too - can see when it comes to my son and his father. And although my close circle of friends advise, hint and some do say clearly that I should stop him seeing his son amd that he would be better off without his - a few hour - visit, I can see both parties recognising similar or identical elements in each other, having a meaningful conversation, sharing the same passions - verbally mostly. To me my son has a fair chance to find his own roots on his own pace and that is what matters to me very much. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 9/1/2007 11:38:19 AM | My dead beat dad ruined most of my life and although he died in 2005 i still have to live with the memories, Emotional scars take a long time to heal...
One devoted, loving parent is all a child need to grow up happy.
If you have the slightest inkling that having him in her and your life isnt a good thing then keep him out.
It will save alot of pain and suffering for you and your little girl. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/27/2008 4:30:48 PM | | I feel that no dad is better than a deadbeat dad. When I think of all the false promises my dad made to my brother's and I. It is very painful and hurtful when you are a teenager and can't understand why your father does not seem to want to spend time with you. Do what think is right for your child but be ready to make excuses to your daughter on behalf of this guy. Good luck. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/27/2008 6:40:50 PM | yes.. ,,let the children grow and develop with a full deck to play with and draw from ..you don't have to make excuses for anyone ,,because there love for both parents is unconditional..and healthy..they will grow away from both of there parents one day on there own ..let them choose the when ..its the natural course of child development..
you don't have to be a perfect parent to be a good parent ..some have accidents and cant walk or play ball,some develop addictions to drinking or pills or what ever and sleep to much ,,some cant work or find good employment to be good providers and become deadbeats ,some work all the time and have no time to spend with there child in order to provide ,,some develop mental problems ,some run around ,some run away ,and some are deadbeats but they can all take a moment for a hug or a kiss or a pat on the back and this is priceless.No child's face beams brighter or cherishes praise higher then that praise or pride or love that comes from there parents..no matter who or what they are .. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/27/2008 6:56:05 PM | | Fortunatly for us, deadbeat parents normally go away on thier own. Oh sure they resurface when they feel guilty or when they need or want something. They tell you that they will start calling, maybe even give you thier real number and address, but that's it. They go away again and probably don't even call once. So that's a decision that is taken out of our hands and made by them. If you push them away then you are going to have that come back in your face later when the deadbeat tells the child this. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/27/2008 7:05:34 PM | Hmmmm....tough call here. I guess I'm looking at this a bit different then everyone else. Ok, I agree that it is good that he is at least coming around. That is better than nothing. BUT, the problem I see forming is him showing up when and if he wants too. Imagine 4-5 years from now and she is expecting daddy to show up and he doesn't. Maybe he doesn't come around for 2-3 months. Then he shows up again. Then he disappears again. And so on and so on and so on. THAT, my friend is emotional abuse whether or not anyone wants to admit it. Every time he disappears and your daughter is sitting on the front steps waiting for him until the sun goes down and he never shows...it is going to break her heart.
I would set VERY CLEAR boundaries with him...such as he can come see her on Wednesdays and Saturdays between this time and this time. If he isn't there on said day and time, then guess what? He will have to wait til next time to see her. Then tell him if he misses, say, 4 consecutive weeks without seeing her then you will no longer allow him to come around and he can go file for visitation rights. Also tell him that when he comes to see her if he can't stretch the visit out for at least an hour, then don't bother coming.
Children are NOT items of convenience and he needs to learn that.
~Welder's Girl~ | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/27/2008 7:08:02 PM | | Honey, just be as cold as him. Go to court and file for child support. When he comes around to see your daughter and not doing what he should be doing, at least you are getting the money. We, mothers, have it tough! | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/27/2008 8:12:18 PM | | I also have not had financial support from my babies dad in four months, her daycare alone was is 2400 in that time period, and its cause he has no money, but in my eyes he could do something to make that money, a paper route for god sakes. We do not get along, but he takes his daughter every saturday night unless he just cant in which he'll take her friday, then its back to me. I have major resentments against him for being such a dead beat, but my daughter is quite attatched to him at 1.5 years and i dont want to live with the guilt of tearing her away from her father over money issues. He can see her anytime he wants (within reason) and i encourage him to take her more. A father is very important to a child regardless of what is going on between the two of you. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/27/2008 9:06:41 PM | I'm kinda in the same boat as you besides my babies daddy refuses to come around or to help me out in anyway. Ive asked myself a million times that same question "is a deadbeat dad better then none". So far I havnt made a move into "making" him take responcibility. I dont know which one will be harder for me to explain to my daughter, why she doesnt have a dad or why hes right there but never wants to see her.... but I know either way will break her heart...... Actually I just read that you posted this like 2 yrs ago..ummm Im going to have to read up ansee how everything worked out...
Becky | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 4/28/2008 5:55:44 AM | | lol i hear that i have a son that 2 years old from my ex husband and since sept hes only seen him 2 times he doesnt pay since he met a new girl hes on his 3rd child and its sad what can we do but i belive a child has a right to know who there dad is let the child make up own mind about them as they get older kids are not dumb they will tell you but down the road you dont want to be the one holding back. cause it may turn on you. | |
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| is a deadbeat dad better then no dad at all?
Posted: 5/1/2008 6:39:24 PM | | I'd tell him to beat it. I personally think having a daddy come and go can mess a kid up. My husband went back to the USA when we seperated, he was talking about coming to visit our son, and I said no. Frankly, either he's going to be around and be a STABLE dad seeing his son say every weekend or something, or not at all. If he loves his daughter he'd get his life together and get some kind of schedule to see her, and start paying some child support and even CHANGE A DIAPER. I think this guy needs to be kicked to the curb. | |
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