| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/4/2006 5:29:59 PM | | YES, YES, YES!!!!! My ex-common-law was cheating on me and everyone else knew and I was almost more hurt by the deceit of my so-called friends than by the deceit of my ex as I had already had my suspicions. The fact is it would have saved me a lot of heartache and pain of trying to salvage a relationship that wasn't worth saving. I also felt extremely stupid that everyone knew and I felt that after all that time the joke was on me. I was still sleeping with him and I had another baby with him during this very rocky year and although I love my baby and would never wish her away I feel like I wasted many more years than was necessary with him. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/4/2006 5:55:51 PM | Absolutely!! With evidence of course. I also would want to know asap, before he could pass the gift that keeps on giving. I''d also want to kick his sorry derriere to the curb, along with any family or friends that knew about it and decided not to tell me. They don''t have any respect or care for me if they won''t come to me and tell me. My son''s father cheated on me less than 2 months after his birth. People knew and didn''t say a word. I caught them with their pants down, when I came home from work early because I was sick. He was out of my house that same day. I wouldn''t put any stock in what the creepin SO B said to me either.
It''s quite obvious that he''s already decieving me by cheating, and will continue to lie to save his butt. The trust and his love is gone and therefore the relationship as well. He destroyed it. Cya! Buh bye!!  | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/4/2006 9:38:05 PM | I would not want someone thinking it was their business to tell me. I would never consider it my business to inform someone their S/O was cheating. I mind my own business and do not stick my nose in other people's affairs.
My Son's wife was cheating on him with her Ex bf and my son came to me when he found out and asked me if I knew about it. I told him I did know and he was furious with me for not telling him. I told him if I had said anything he would not have believed me. He would have confronted her and of course when she denied it, he would have believed her. Then what would happen ?? He would have blamed me for trying to cause problems with them. Also, How could I know my son would not have gone off the deep end and shot both of them or himself if he did believe me? My Son came to me after they divorced and told me I did the right thing by not telling me. He told me if he had believed me, he probably would have hide out to catch them together and may have killed someone. My Son worshiped this girl and it nearly destroyed him when he finally had no choice but to accept the truth when they divorced.
That has been years ago and he has re-married, but my son is a totally different man then the one he was before his wife betrayed him. It has affected him in many negative ways. His current wife is a lovely person, yet she suffers from my son's exes betrayal. There are a lot of reasons I would not tell anyone, nor want anyone telling me. I do not know how I would handle it and I would not want anyone else feeling responsible for what I chose to do about the matter. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/4/2006 9:56:02 PM | ^
Yeah thats a tough situation you were in, no easy answers there. Its too bad the ex wife didn't do a better job of hiding what she was doing so you didn't have to carry that burden, but maybe its true what they say - that mothers always know.
But I have to be honest, I think I'd say something if I was on the outside. The STD risk, particularly HIV, thing would compel me. If a buddy got AIDS because I didn't want to get into his business, I don't know how I could or if I ever would be able to handle that. Personally I think if the cheater is sloppy enough to allow you to catch them, they have made their business your business and subsequently your friend/families business.
I had a guy working for me a few years back. He got the crap beaten out of him by his dad as a kid. Pipes, belts, bats, all kinds of horrible things. But this guy was older and back then, no one wanted to interfere with how the dad raised his children. People knew about the abuse but didn't want to confront it. You confront it, you are saying you plan to do something about it if it gets to that. Lots of people would rather walk away from knowing than take in this guy as a kid. Thats what it boiled down to. The guy said now when he sees stuff like this, he speaks up, mostly because he wishes someone spoke up for him.
I'd rather lose a friend than watch someone have to suffer in silence.
This quote has become much more popular since Bruce Willis' Tears Of The Sun came out -
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. " - Edmund Burke | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/4/2006 10:37:48 PM |
Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life;
the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.
That's from Bertrand Russel's Autobiography. Reading this thread, my thoughts are that the desire for knowledge makes one keen to any deceitfulness, that if a trust with a partner is broken, that can be overwhelming.
But in my experience, longing for love is sometimes the greater desire. You might accept an apology and trust your partner again, ask for more open dialog about interests.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, and I too suffer.
Another part of the same passage, see here for larger quotation: http://www.cs.iastate.edu/~dkkang/russell.html
Yet the rottenness of people is quite constant and no matter how you reposition the circumstances and expectations, there are more failures than successes.
The way I see it, knowledge always comes first, suffering can always be found, and love will help you do all sorts of crazy and wonderful things to get closer to friends, family, partners -- or drive them away. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/4/2006 10:51:14 PM |
K; OP -
I would not want to hear gossip or 'hearsay' or rumors from anyone. I do not listen.
I only listen if it is from the one I care about. If he came to me and told me it was over, then; I would hear it.
I agree.
I would not want someone thinking it was their business to tell me. I would never consider it my business to inform someone their S/O was cheating. I mind my own business and do not stick my nose in other people's affairs.
My Son's wife was cheating on him with her Ex bf and my son came to me when he found out and asked me if I knew about it. I told him I did know and he was furious with me for not telling him. I told him if I had said anything he would not have believed me. He would have confronted her and of course when she denied it, he would have believed her. Then what would happen ?? He would have blamed me for trying to cause problems with them. Also, How could I know my son would not have gone off the deep end and shot both of them or himself if he did believe me? My Son came to me after they divorced and told me I did the right thing by not telling me. He told me if he had believed me, he probably would have hide out to catch them together and may have killed someone. My Son worshiped this girl and it nearly destroyed him when he finally had no choice but to accept the truth when they divorced.
Exactly. I lost a very good friend by telling (many years ago.) They are still married. I learned my lesson the hard way. I don't live in their house, I don't sleep in their bed and I certainly wasn't a third party in the room while he was sleeping with another woman, it wasn't my place to spread anything to anyone. I know who I'd pick for friendship here. Those who value privacy and respect one another. I truly believe it's as simple as "misery loves company." Why is it, we teach our children not to be tattle-tales, but yet when an adult wishes to indulge in things of that nature it's apparently accepted by some, even wanted??? Hypothetical question ~ no need to answer. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/4/2006 10:51:24 PM | No one could predict the outcome of telling a loved one that their spouse is cheating, for me that is the risk I will take. I would certainly tell my friend if I was made aware that the husband or spouse was cheating. I know I would not be able to live with myself if I didnt'. For me it's like condoning the behavior in not telling.
I find it difficult to read the posts that say they would not get involved. There is a big difference between owning a problem and making someone aware they might have a problem. What motivates you to tell and where your ethical standards are in accountability/responsibility with your friend.
Getting involved with a problem is allowing other persons know how the issue impacts you and stating how it may have changed your view of what you knew of the situation. It is your business to say how the issue makes you feel. At no point are you owning the problem. Stating the facts and how the issue impacts you has no blame involved.
Disclosing an issue to your friend means that as a friend your concerned and that your aware of her standards when it comes to their relationship. Being responsible as a friend also means being a support while she walks through the feelings of being betrayed by her spouse. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/4/2006 11:46:25 PM | | My ex cheated on me, so I took it upon myself to cheat hundreds of times. Not with different women mind you. But there was no way that she was getting away with that as I was a virgin when I met her. She had numerous partners before me. So I did what I had to do...make up for lost time. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 12:35:35 AM | I can only speak for myself, but doing what you think is right for a friend is more important than saving a friendship. (i.e. I would rather have a buddy decide to stop being my friend for telling him his wife or gf was cheating on him behind his back to save him from the risk of HIV/STD than have him face that risk because I was afraid he'd flip out and stop being my friend for telling him. If a friend is a real friend, they know you speak for their benefit and to protect their interests, if they can't handle that, maybe they are not a real friend to you to begin with. )
I would say however that I wouldn't say anything circumstantial, I'd have to know for sure to actually say anything. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 1:32:42 AM | Take the subject out of the realm of sex for a minute.
What if your SO was doing drugs behind your back ?
What if your SO had a gambling habit they were hiding from you ?
There are lots of things a person could do when your not around which you might not like.
Would you want a friend to reveal these things to you ? | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 4:06:00 AM | @verygreeneyes: What if your SO was cheating on you and had no intention of telling you yet many others knew? What if you were still intimate with him and your best friend knew he was unfaithful? What if he was having unprotected sex with a lover and you and a friend knew?
YOU did the right thing telling your friend. Your (supposed friend) made a choice after the KNOWLEDGE you gave her. She never was a friend and I can almost guarantee she is one unhappy woman. People who stand by and do nothing are sheep. We also tell children to be honest and tell the truth. To do good things. To treat people with respect. You are trying to sell me that we teach children to not be tattle tales??? You are relating infidelity to tattletaling??? Oh Okay. That makes sense. Just because YOU choose to stick your head in the sand does not make it right. What if your best friend was a drug trafficker to children?
Is it okay to TATTLE then?? In this day and age infidelity is related to a smoking gun. You just keep that mentality Madam. Keep it far away. You won't even consider these words. Sadly for you.
@!browmeyedleo No offense Madam but it sounds like your son had/has more problems then an unfaithful wife. This certainly was a tough call in your situation but in all due respect if you thought your son might KILL people in this respect?? What happened to him to be this way? Does he have a violent past? Is he known for violence? There is always help for people with emotional problems. TO do nothing is the same as being the offender. This mentality is WHY people get hurt/killed. Just DO nothing. NOT my place. DOES not affect me. NO skin off my nose. Clematis said it all with the words I DO NOT LISTEN. Think about it. Head in sand. Choose not to listen. (I only listen if its the one I care about???) Well he did not care about her. Meanwhile she lived in denial and extreme unhappiness and self inflicted woe. YEAH thats the BETTER way to live. YOU are soooooooooooooo not right.
Lets face facts here. NO ONE like to hear BAD news. Tittiger said it best as the DEATH of a relationship. Which it is. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 7:26:59 AM | spacemanspiffter
Isn’t that weird that a 45 bachelor gives advices about marriage? This isn’t a personal attack on you. Your relentless attacks on anyone who disagree with you make me wonder your motive.
You’re never a father until you have a child. Since you don’t have any children, it makes you just an old kid, not a grown up. What’s your longest relationship? Less than 2 years? Why no kids?
Before you shouting “bull”, maybe you should examine your life first; maybe there is a possibility that you don’t know everything. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 8:38:14 AM | @sinsrus: Well thank you for taking the time to respond to my thread. Lets get one thing straight shall we. This is my thread. This is an open forum for DEBATE. If I do not agree on something I will challenge it. Relentless attack? Is this your take on it? Far from it sir. My personal life is none of your business unless I choose to share it with you. I choose not to with you.
I stand by what I said with your comments being complete puppy pucky. :) If you wish to explore my thoughts on your remarks related to this thread, by all means challenge me.
I shall not delve into your profile but I recommend others look at it. There is more than a possibility I do not know everything sir. This is fact. I do know right from wrong though and I do know what is morally and ethically proper. Do you?
Isn't it weird how people will make a post to a topic and get all flustered if someone challenges it instead of debating what was said to begin with!
Have a great day. | |
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Posted: 7/5/2006 8:57:37 AM |
@verygreeneyes: What if your SO was cheating on you and had no intention of telling you yet many others knew? What if you were still intimate with him and your best friend knew he was unfaithful? What if he was having unprotected sex with a lover and you and a friend knew?
OH DEAR. You already know the answer to that question because you berated me in another thread due to my opinion on this very subject. You started this thread because you were NOT in agreement with many in the other thread.
You think you know best. You know the ONLY way to handle your life and everyone else's. You don't want debate. You want to MAKE YOUR POINT and to flame those who don't agree with you. That is an entirely different beast than a DEBATE.
@sinsrus: Well thank you for taking the time to respond to my thread. Lets get one thing straight shall we. This is my thread. This is an open forum for DEBATE. If I do not agree on something I will challenge it. Relentless attack? Is this your take on it? Far from it sir. My personal life is none of your business unless I choose to share it with you. I choose not to with you.
I stand by what I said with your comments being complete puppy pucky. :) If you wish to explore my thoughts on your remarks related to this thread, by all means challenge me.
I shall not delve into your profile but I recommend others look at it. There is more than a possibility I do not know everything sir. This is fact. I do know right from wrong though and I do know what is morally and ethically proper. Do you?
Isn't it weird how people will make a post to a topic and get all flustered if someone challenges it instead of debating what was said to begin with!
Have a great day.
Case in point. Someone doesn't agree with you ~ you bring their profile into a public forum. You seem to take a real issue with anyone who has a differing opinion, why is that? (Take a look around you ~ you are the ringleader of personal attacks.)
Just in case you haven't read the forum rules lately ~~ personal attacks such as the one I quoted here, are a quick way to get a nice lengthy time-out from the forums. Everyone answers to someone ~ even here on POF. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 9:10:50 AM | @verygreeneyes: What if your SO was cheating on you and had no intention of telling you yet many others knew? What if you were still intimate with him and your best friend knew he was unfaithful? What if he was having unprotected sex with a lover and you and a friend knew?
OH DEAR. You already know the answer to that question because you berated me in another thread due to my opinion on this very subject. You started this thread because you were NOT in agreement with many in the other thread.
@sinsrus: Well thank you for taking the time to respond to my thread. Lets get one thing straight shall we. This is my thread. This is an open forum for DEBATE. If I do not agree on something I will challenge it. Relentless attack? Is this your take on it? Far from it sir. My personal life is none of your business unless I choose to share it with you. I choose not to with you.
I stand by what I said with your comments being complete puppy pucky. :) If you wish to explore my thoughts on your remarks related to this thread, by all means challenge me.
I shall not delve into your profile but I recommend others look at it. There is more than a possibility I do not know everything sir. This is fact. I do know right from wrong though and I do know what is morally and ethically proper. Do you?
Isn't it weird how people will make a post to a topic and get all flustered if someone challenges it instead of debating what was said to begin with!
Have a great day.
Case in point. You find someone with a differing opinion and you immediately pounce. You bring someone's profile into a public forum and instruct others to take a look. That just screams "BULLY" to me.
In case you haven't read the forum rules, personal attacks are NOT allowed in a public forum. This thread is filled with personal attacks, much as the last thread you decided to flame in. You may with to read the rules, you get a nice lengthy time out from forums for personally attacking others here.
~OT~ There is a very fine line between telling someone things out of love/caring and spreading gossip. All I can say is that my ex cheated. I didn't need to be told. I knew. I knew because I took a very active role in my own life. There are signs when someone is cheating. I didn't want anyone else involved. When someone feels the need to invade my life, they run the risk of hurting those in my life. I didn't want our 13 year old son to know the evils going on outside of our home. So, I very carefully took care of our problems. There was no drama, no fighting, no outside interference. I told him I knew, I asked him to move, and we divorced. As I previously stated for the OP: his affair was NOT our problem, it was our answer. If you are an active participant in your relationships ~ if you pay attention ~ if you know the one in you life ~ you will know when there is a problem so large it results in an affair. This is just my opinion. I don't need validation, and
Sorry ~ double post. | |
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Posted: 7/5/2006 9:15:46 AM | @very green eyes. We are all entitled to an opinion madam. YOU on the other hand will not tolerate differing opinions than your own in this regard. You constantly personally attack me instead of the topic at hand. (you did it on the other thread instead of DEBATING the topic?) You are quite correct in the fact I started this thread because of my surprise at the responses in the one I posted. You CHOSE to ATTACK not debate me) I on the other hand stayed on topic. You will note I will challenge anyone if I do not agree. I think you can still do this in the free world. In the same vein I welcome people who are willing to challenge my thoughts (not personal attacks of which YOU feel the need instead of intelligent DEBATE) I am not surprised as this is probably typical of your day to day actions. Now look carefully at what sinsrus said about me in regards to my profile and personal life instead of jumping at my every word to further attack me. I stand at my comments and welcome DEBATE with you or anyone else. Please stay on topic though. I highly doubt you are able to do this. Why not surprise me and debate me.
Have a great day. | |
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Posted: 7/5/2006 9:25:45 AM | Lets' take this question to the extreme. It has been my experience that I am spntaneous with my partner (when there is one). I or he comes home at the end of the day and in fun may wrestle him to the bed and possibly 'go down on him'. Not knowing he just came out of someones bed, I personally see the event as 'pleasing my partner'. What an ugly thought that he has just had sex with a mistress and I with some gratification went on with my business (our). This is extreme but does happen often in reality. OFcourse I would want my friends to tell me. I have a tad too much class and value for myself then to be 'used' by a screwed up partner.
It may take a week for him (if he has a conscious) to tell me about his extramarital affair or months. In retrospect, after knowing he has done the latter often, would I forgive him? After alot of thought, my answer is no.
With the drugs issue, if I knew how devastated my friend would be about the spouse doing drugs, yes I would tell if I see consequences of his using having an affect on their relationship.
I personally dont see flaming going on Greeneyes, the OP is making responses to his thread and not personally attacking.
This question is a moral and ethical question. Sometimes questions like this leave no choice.
IF we were to sit back and think of the things were we had an option to tell a person there might be a different way of thinking, wouldnt' we? Because this issue the OP speaks of is an emotional one and our recall may bring up bad memories, you need to remain somewhat objective and look at the value of someone doing the right thing.
I would also like to say, that people with integrity and see the good in people would more then likely tell thier spouses that they had cheated, including friends who might see it happen or are impacted by it. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 9:36:17 AM | LMAO ~ in case you aren't aware ~ opinions are just that. Opinions. Debatable subjects are most generally based upon facts and theories, not opinions. You have your opinions, I have mine. You can justify your flaming, but you certainly don't want it brought to anyone's attention. You now have your validation, why bother with me??? SIR, you don't need validation to be correct or to have your own opinions, all you need is a mindset. It is obvious you want validation for your OPINIONS. I don't subscribe to the ideology.
As for staying on topic ~ gezzzzz ~ you must be kidding. Now that is a pot and kettle statement.
~OT~ As I've stated dozens of times. To each their own. I can handle my own private life and I prefer to ONLY handle my private life. That is my opinion. Agree, disagree or don't care. That is the glory of opinions ~ everyone is entitled. | |
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