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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 10:21:26 AM | Wow ... cheating / infidelity comes in so many different forms.
I had a SO (not my ex) who was cheating, but he was not having sex with the women. I still considered it infidelity as that indicates an exclusive relationship ... leaving your partner out. I didn't need anyone to tell me ... I figured it out for myself.
Personally, I'm on the fence about whether or not I'd want to be told by a good friend or not. The information itself (at least for me) is really hard to deal with. Add to that the drama of having to hear it from an outside source. Then add still more pain while you go about checking to see if the information that has been furnished is in fact truth.
In the end ... one way or the other I'd want to know, but I still can't decide how I'd want to find out. Infidelity / cheating is just so very painful to deal with. A person who doesn't deal with it just sets themself up for further pain down the road. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 10:31:58 AM | edit ... Sorry about the double post ... thought I had lost the original post.
Wow ... cheating / infidelity is (at least) for me a painful thing to deal with. A few years back, I had to deal with it. Since sex was not involved, I was certain that I did not have to deal with the HIV / STD issue, but that did not diminish the actual pain of knowing and having to deal with the issue of the infidelity.
I discovered the infidelity myself, so since I've not had the experience of hearing about such things from a caring friend ... I'm still on the fence as to whether or not I would want to find out in that way.
I'd like to believe that I am open-minded enough to be able to hear such devasting news from a good friend and still remain friends with that person no matter what the truth. On the other hand, I have to honestly say that if a so-called "caring" friend told me that my SO was cheating on me only to discover that was not the case, I'm afraid I'd have to question my friend's motives ... that might ruin the friendship.
WHEW ... that's a tough call.
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 11:00:59 AM | Those who say they'd "appreciate" being notified by a friend that their SO was having an affair I have a supplemental question. Assuming you loved and trusted your SO, up to this point, would you immediately tell your SO what you heard or would you keep the info to yourself and attempt to verify the information?
On topic, I would like to know but I would definately confront my partner immediately. After all, if I have trusted my partner's word up to this point I would be a hypocrite to assume that my friend was correct and that my partner was lying by my going behind my partner's back trying to verify the facts. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 11:21:37 AM | ^
Depends on your situation and what your friend saw.
If your friend saw your wife or gf holding another guys hands and passionately kissing then heading to a motel, then I think theres little room for doubt.
If your friend saw something that didn't feel right but was unsure, I think you'd have to wait and find a bit more evidence before you confront.
As for when to confront once you find out, I think that depends on your relationship with the person. If you are married, have kids, have alot of assets and shared finances, then I'd say wait. Hire a private detective to amass evidence that could be used to help you gain custody of your children and proactively and quietly plan for divorce. Heres why, you don't want to have your wife jump the gun on you if she has been secretly planning to divorce you. Play it cool and just act normal but stop having sex with here right then and there. You don't know what STDs she might have picked up from the other guy and you don't want her claiming you raped her later if the divorce gets brutal.
If I can give one piece of advice to men who discover their wife is cheating on them its to hold back your anger, stop having sex with her and look at the situation practically. The issue is how to keep your kids, not how to best save your marriage. Once shes cheated, your marriage is over.
The person who files for divorce first has often planned ahead. They tend to do better emotionally and financially since they have had time to prepare. The person surprised by the divorce demands usually is at a disadvantage because they have to constantly react to the other persons announcement. Who would you rather be? The deer about to get shot by the hunter or the fat guy with the orange vest with the shotgun?
Take the time to consider your situation before you confront the person. Where will you live if you split? Your kids will live where? What about your finances? How will that effect your job? Too often the man confronts the wife, leaves in a huff never knowing hes made some very serious legal mistakes in doing so.
Don't get upset, have your blood tested, keep quiet, don't have sex with her, hit the library, websites and resources to inform yourself and impower yourself, quietly get a PO Box and a burner cell phone for yourself to hide correspondance to lawyers and private investigators and plan for divorce. She cheated on you, she is not your wife anymore, she is someone who can legally rip your life apart. Make smart calculated moves, even if your emotions are killing you inside, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 11:25:25 AM | | I also think that if you love/trust somebody you would find this out on your own instead of haveing to hear about it through other people and if you do not believe your boyfriend/husband than, there is NO reason why yall two should even be together. | |
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Catwm
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Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 81 | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 11:46:55 AM | "then I'd say wait. Hire a private detective to amass evidence that could be used to help you gain custody of your children and proactively and quietly plan for divorce. Heres why, you don't want to have your wife jump the gun on you if she has been secretly planning to divorce you. Play it cool and just act normal but stop having sex with here right then and there. "
First infidelity has no bearing in decision about who get the custody and how to devide the property.
Second, if my beloved SO has an affair, the car and the house are the last things on my mind. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 11:56:11 AM | @verygreeneyes:
I find it sad that you feel the need to conduct yourself in the negative way you do. You truly must hurt inside. I truly hope you are able to move forward at some point in a more positive, open minded, softer manner befitting your exterior look, without the need to lash out with your anger issues on others (me in this one instance) due to your pain.
@cotter:
Yes this is a very difficult, sensitive issue. One I feel deserving of exploring and feedback. The emotions felt and struggled with in this regard can only be compared to a death of a loved one as in essense this is what happens. Trust in a significant other is shattered. People we believed in, loved and cared for become an illusion to reality. The soul becomes a wasteland and we feel hollow inside. It scares me how fragile the mind becomes in relation to this act of deceit. By no means do I take this topic lightly. Tittiger did say it best with his final comment. I feel it is very hard to accept what is when this happens in a union. It saddens me to no end. Of course no one wants to hear the dirt second or third hand. I feel the treachery devestating for the individuals involved. Lets think for a moment how a person feels (knowing inside) something isn't right in a union. We all know when things are good/bad in personal relationships, but think to go through these feelings for days, weeks, months or more NOT really knowing the depths of the deceit. No one need tell me anything of these feelings, for I too have been there. No one wants to know. Everyone NEED know and no matter how HARD it is to face this act of treachery, no one deserves to live in this lie or is really able to live while in it. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 12:15:07 PM | 'People we believed in, loved and cared for become an illusion to reality. The soul becomes a wasteland and we feel hollow inside."
Very touching. I believe you believe it's total the truth. But I don't buy it.
If you were really intone with her physically and emotionally and she had an affair, you didn't have a clue? There's a big difference between "want to know" and "want to be told".
Were you guys enganged or married at that time? If not, why didn't want to marry her?
What I've said are mean. And I do mean it. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 12:36:06 PM | ~OT~ Interesting supplemental question. I have wondered that very same thing. Not many answers for that yet, it will be interesting to see what evolves on that note. And for the poster of that question ~ you are right. I wanted out prior to proof of his affair. It was a decision in the making and that was the final determining factor.
And I also agree ~ I wasn't worried about the house, cars, bank accounts, etc. I just wanted him gone. The other stuff worked itself out ~ as it always does.
~OP~ Such silliness. I don't agree with you, you don't agree with me. Why the insistent need to label me? It's a difference of opinion, not a character flaw ~ not someone negative, not someone in pain. We don't agree....no hidden agendas, no deep seated issues, merely a difference of viewpoint. No need to overanalyze ~ 
Cotter: As usual interesting post!! | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 12:41:41 PM | There are so many issues we deal with when cheating / infidelity occurs. Actually, the emotional pain ... which can be devasting at the time ... even life consuming ... is just the tip of the iceberg.
Another issue I have observed in folks who have had to deal with it is ... gaining back the ability to trust again. Some seem to just be able to spring back quickly ... others need years coupled with therapy ... still others never get over it and enter one relationship after the other that just fail ... no doubt related to the trust issue, but they may not even be aware of it.
We are all so frail in our own ways ... no two of us are alike. And no matter how strong we perceive ourselves to be ... there's always going to be something out there that just takes us to our knees ... knocks the wind out of our sails ... could ultimately take away our will to ever seek another commtted relationship.
Healing times cannot be predicted. Although this man was not my spouse, for me it was like dealing with the death of a spouse. I'm much, much better now ... but still quite cautious.
OT: Still on the fence about it ... but I have a tendency to be so close with my partner when I have one, that I sense I will always be able to tell without having to find out from an outside source. But that's just me. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 12:46:49 PM | Heck, YEA, I would want to be told. I might not want to hear the painful truth, but I would want to know. Ignorance is NOT bliss, as far as I'm concerned! Living under the pretenses of a false reality is not fair to anybody. The truth might hurt, but it can also set you free. I see no point in being committed to someone, who is not JUST AS committed to me, when I can do JUST FINE on my own. Life is too short to spend it with someone who I would give so much of my very sweet self to, only to be deceived, betrayed and disrespected to the nth degree. Yuck!
I deserve better than that, and so does some other very lucky, HONEST, MATURE, FAITHFUL and loving man, someONE who doesn't have to lose what he's got before realizing and appreciating what he HAD! I am certain that my future sweetheart will be thanking him for being such a royal, ignorant JERK!
NEXT!
If someone close to me knew about it and didn't tell me, and I found out later, I would probably end that friendship.
Unfortunately, I've had the experience of telling a close friend that I saw her boyfriend out with someone else. She thanked me for it, and I felt relieved to not be keeping that type of a secret from her.
I've also had the unfortunate experience of this type of secret being kept from me, which I resented. Those people are no longer a part of my life, THANK GOD! 
Well, I hope she picks a guy with a truck, so he can help her move her stuff.
^Quote from poster 15: That was funny, and I agree with you. 
Note to self: Stay out of these "cheating" threads! They make my blood boil.
... Back to Peace, REAL love and Harmony! | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 12:50:19 PM | ------First infidelity has no bearing in decision about who get the custody and how to devide the property.-------
Infidelity has no bearing in whether two people can get divorced or not in a 'no fault' state. However it may or may not affect certain issues regarding child custody. If your wife cheats on you and wants a divorce in a no fault state, you can't stop her. If to facilitate her cheating, she runs off for three months to Florida with her boyfriend and abandons your kids, then the cheating may matter in who ultimately gets child custody.
Whether you get child custody or not determines how some of the marital assets are divided. The parent with child custody is often awarded the home and some form of child support payments from the other non custodial parent.
So if proving infidelity can help you obtain child custody, you better believe that it matters on the division of marital assets and property.
And yes, if your SO or spouse cheated on you, the last you would want on your mind is your car and house. However if you have children in that relationship, I'd like to think if I had kids, my first concern would be how to best protect them financially and emotionally for their future. Thats what parents do, thats what they have done since the beginning of time, sacrificed their own pain and wants to protect their offspring. | |
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| Another question,what would you do after being told??
Posted: 7/5/2006 1:21:16 PM | Ok,now you know he/she is cheating,what would do?Dump him/her????
According to statistics,most relationship break-ups are based on just being told he/she is cheating.Most of them don't even try to find out on their own if this is really true or not .They gojust break up with their significant other.Best advise,when you break up with someone,be thoroughly sure of the reason AND not the source of the story. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 1:50:44 PM | "~OT~ There is a very fine line between telling someone things out of love/caring and spreading gossip. All I can say is that my ex cheated. I didn't need to be told. I knew. I knew because I took a very active role in my own life. There are signs when someone is cheating. I didn't want anyone else involved. When someone feels the need to invade my life, they run the risk of hurting those in my life. I didn't want our 13 year old son to know the evils going on outside of our home. So, I very carefully took care of our problems. There was no drama, no fighting, no outside interference. I told him I knew, I asked him to move, and we divorced. As I previously stated for the OP: his affair was NOT our problem, it was our answer. If you are an active participant in your relationships ~ if you pay attention ~ if you know the one in you life ~ you will know when there is a problem so large it results in an affair. This is just my opinion. I don't need validation, and "
oh verygreeneyez I was a very active participant in my relationship so your statement is very judgemental and unfair. We had issues in our relationship but none that were an appropriate provacation for cheating on me and so I was very shocked when I found out especially when it came from my supposed best friend who sat in our house laughing and joking and spending time with me and our family all the while knowing the deceit he was wreaking on me. I have children for Gods sake, what if he had brought me home something and I died, where would that leave my children. I understand that we are all human and everyone is different but to sit back and do nothing is wrong. Your right that there are people out there who would tell you in order to take pleasure from your pain but that is not a friend then and they would be the same people who take jabs at you on a daily basis whether you like it or not. But if you truly care about your friend then your motivation is their protection not maliciousness. Regardless though, I would want to be told no matter who told me it. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 2:51:06 PM | Blue Eyed Fun wrote.
"We had issues in our relationship but none that were an appropriate provacation for cheating on me and so I was very shocked when I found out especially when it came from my supposed best friend who sat in our house laughing and joking and spending time with me and our family all the while knowing the deceit he was wreaking on me."
I'm a slow reader. I'm confused. Who told you your husband's affair? Your best friend? | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/5/2006 3:34:12 PM | oh verygreeneyez I was a very active participant in my relationship so your statement is very judgemental and unfair. We had issues in our relationship but none that were an appropriate provacation for cheating on me and so I was very shocked when I found out especially when it came from my supposed best friend who sat in our house laughing and joking and spending time with me and our family all the while knowing the deceit he was wreaking on me. I have children for Gods sake, what if he had brought me home something and I died, where would that leave my children. I understand that we are all human and everyone is different but to sit back and do nothing is wrong. Your right that there are people out there who would tell you in order to take pleasure from your pain but that is not a friend then and they would be the same people who take jabs at you on a daily basis whether you like it or not. But if you truly care about your friend then your motivation is their protection not maliciousness. Regardless though, I would want to be told no matter who told me it.
I have no CLUE what you are talking about. I'm sorry if you perceived my post as relating to you personally. As I said ~ my posts related to me personally. I have NO business posting about your life ~ nor did I.
If you are meaning that I am wrong for not telling someone their business, that is your opinion. For the record, I have a child too. I didn't need people calling me and informing me of my husband's activities, because I was already well aware. Every single woman I know that has been subjected to a cheating spouse agrees ~ the signs were there, but were most often overlooked or ignored. I just wasn't one of those people. I was not disrespecting you ~ my opinion on how I deal with my life is just vastly different than how you handle your life. That is life ~ different people, different ideals. To each their own. | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/6/2006 1:42:24 AM | sinsrus-yes, it was my "supposed" best friend who told me. The reason why I say this is because she knew for a long time before she told me and that it what made me so mad, she sat in my house with me and my kids whom she said she cared for and never said a word and still kept on acting like nothing was wrong.
verygreeneyez-the reason why I made that statement was because of how you worded your post. I know you were talking about your own life but your post to me felt like it is only stupid people who would not know that their spouses were cheating and that if you are active in your relationship you would know if your spouse was cheating. That is not always the case as I have caught every other cheating SO I have had in my past and saw the signs very clearly...However there are times and there are people who are very clever and very skilled at keeping their indiscretions hush hush. I apologize if I took your post the wrong way as this is a sensitive topic for me but that is why I posted what I did. Hope you have a great day!!!  | |
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| If your significant other was cheating, would you want to be told?
Posted: 7/6/2006 3:11:48 PM | I made a post here yesterday to sinsrus in response to an obvious rude uncalled for off topic comment. Usually I'm pretty cool with these types. He just pushed as was his intent. I apologize for this. I left after making this comment and notice today it has been deleted. For the best.
@sinsrus At anytime you wish to debate the topic at hand, and or my response in regards to your earlier posts on topic. I look forward to it. | |
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