| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/5/2006 6:48:25 PM | Work on your charisma, charm, and general social skills. Do not look at this as picking up women, but meeting new people. Don't throw game or cute little lines at them. Come from a place where you are conversationally powerful (innuendoes included). This can be learned.
In addition to real life, IM chatting is also a great way to practice this skill, anywhere there is a computer.
Women act as "receivers" in bars. They will go there with whatever mindset serves them (ie. get slammed, receive male attention, compete with other women, get laid, etc). Their mindset does not matter as much as your ability to get into their heads, using your own head (the larger of the two). | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/5/2006 8:56:44 PM | 1) Not all bars or clubs are good for meeting women, find one that is using good old trial and error.
2) Even in the right bar, not all women want to be approached. Find out using above method. Avoid those women. Approach everything else.
3) There's really no reason to try and "swing for the fence", it just increases your strike out percentage. Means you don't even think about trying for a phone number--relax. You may want to try for a bunt or a single. Try to get on base by setting a modest goal. Like introducing yourself and finding out her/their name(s). A good intro can put you on base without the little umpire in her head calling you out. If you fail, try again. Tiny victory will boost your confidence for the terror and humiliation to come.
4) Assuming you haven't been called out at first. You may need some sort of conversation starter. She's a woman with a drink in a bar. Booze and bars may be the only things you will ever have in common so... Figure out the details of what she's drinking or whether she likes her current locale. If the ump doesn't call you out after small talking your way to 2nd then, consider it your 2nd success. If her drink looks a little worn out, get her another.
5) Next you want to get a few things accomplished before her drink runs out. You may want to make her smile or laugh. Compliment her indirectly (so she doesn't think you're a perv). Pick any little goal other than more small talk and try to make it happen. If you think you're not *out* at this point, leave before you have to buy another drink.
LOL. This saves you money. Makes her wish you were around when she buys her next drink. And gives her time to mull you over.
6) Pay her a "visit" see if she's warmed up. If so, then keep trying not to screw up before asking for her fake phone number. Otherwise, see ya, have a nice evening, etc. Try again.
Sorry for the long post. Styles may vary, but the point is to set little goals and build upon each. Every little success is a win/win for both and a confidence builder for you. Good luck. Had a hard time here deciding whether to post this or not...  | |
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daisie
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Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 28 | |
| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/5/2006 9:18:04 PM | Everybody is different so I can only speak for myself. I met two of my long term, most significant men in bars. And...nooooooo.....I'm not a bar fly!!!
I very rarely go to bars, but when I went these 2 times, I happened to meet 2 great guys and ended up in 3 year relationships with each of them. Hmmmm how did they approach me?? talking...simply striking up a conversation that really got my attention in some way. I didn't give one of them my phone number but he located me a few days later on his own...and I was so glad. The other one I did give my number, but he didn't call me for a month. We had a slow, start...but it was worth the wait. Ahhhhhh and THANK GOD I went to bars those 2 times...I would hate to have missed knowing Santiago and Michael... | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/5/2006 9:36:34 PM | Why bother? It's a big waste of time for a man to even think of picking up a woman in a bar. From the time a woman enters a club she puts up the 'snob' or 'holier than thou' attitude. Even if you're being yourself & not using any bogus lines it's still a total waste of your time. God forbid you try to talk to a woman with friends. That's a crash & burn before it happens. Then there are the women who just go to clubs to get free drinks & make a sport out of turning down & humiliating men.
Been there, tried a couple of times. It's not fun. Save your self a crushing blow to your ego. | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/5/2006 9:45:39 PM | I dont think it lie's with you, maybe the woman is married or is out with friends. heck i wish some guy came up to me to even ask me to dance. if i go out with a friend it is a girls night out, iam not looking, but if a guy did come up to me, i might pass out. I want to know what happen to the days of men buying a woman a drink? but any how just keep trying and bingo you will hit the right one... | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/5/2006 10:10:43 PM | bb72, you already know the score. It's obvious and sad but true. If a woman 'wants' you - you can do and say all the wrong things and you're still 'in-like-Flynn'! You know it. Most the women are either in denial or dishonest. If a man they 'want' approaches them in ANY circumstance with ANY approach - they'll be 'flattered' and overlook any faux pas.
Unfortunately, it is YOU. When you find the woman for you - it will work out. Be you, and have faith. Don't buy the crap about technique or other BS. Just be yourself and do what you enjoy - that's when you'll meet a quality woman - not at a bar! Might as well go to a house of ill repute and buy what you want. You can't make the wrong woman the right woman by virtue of hoping and trying. | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/5/2006 10:19:48 PM | | I think the problem is that you are to self-consious. It's really easy going up to women, all you have to do is....... wait for it........... go up to them and say something interesting. You are so busy trying not to act like a pick up artist that you come off as fake and just like the 100 other boring guys that aren't trying to sound like pick up artists. Oh and you shouldn't be going to bars to "meet someone new." Go out to have fun. Be a little bit****(or confident, or what ever you call it), get them to laugh and be stunned. They should be the ones buying you drinks. | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/5/2006 10:44:44 PM | ^^^^^^^^^^
I agree
I never do the whole 'buy a girl a drink'
you guys that do that are like trained monkeys
the girls are laughing at you,trust me
it is their little scam that they kinda lucked into
and judging by how a lot of them fit into their
'bar clothes' the last thing they need is another drink | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/5/2006 11:21:20 PM | When I go out, which happens to be pretty regularly, I go to dance because I love to dance and it's a release of whatever stress has accumulated throughout the week.
Does that mean I don't want to be approached? Do I go with a hidden agenda? Do I prefer you to buy me a drink? No, no and no. I buy my own drinks or my friends and I will rotate who buys, but rarely, almost never have I accepted a drink from a stranger. I know girls who do but I wouldn't call them my friends and in most cases, I wouldn't set my male friends up with them. I have, twice, bought (and had the bartender deliver) a man I didn't know a drink. Now I have two more friends; not a bad outcome for a couple bucks.
I agree with those who are advising you to relax and bring a friendly, light conversation with you when you approach a woman. And you can learn a lot about casual conversation by IMing with the right people. I prefer men who can keep me laughing (at least smiling) and I believe most women prefer men who are funny. Don't quote me as my experience is mostly through my girl friends and we all love to laugh.
Be yourself and if someone doesn't respond, don't beat yourself up over it cause we aren't all made for each other and just because she doesn't like you doesn't mean someone else won't. Be patient, be picky, don't settle and don't give up.
All the best to you.
M  | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/6/2006 3:28:49 AM | | I don't even go to bars , i just don't like that atmosphere. Just not my type of setting. I would like somewhere more peaceful , where it's just the two of you. | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/6/2006 9:24:41 PM | addison:
6) Pay her a "visit" see if she's warmed up. If so, then keep trying not to screw up before asking for her fake phone number.
That is hilarious. That's why I generally don't play that game. But be careful, otherwise you'll be accused of giving half-assed advice by guys who say they'll buy drinks for "the girl of their dreams" (a stranger in a bar!) just to get them to look at him, and then backpedal on it later when they realize how desperate they sound.
Fortunately for lots of women, there are no shortage of desperate guys who will buy them drink after drink after drink, just to keep her talking to him because that's all he has to offer. All the while never understanding how he reeks of desperation and wondering why when he calls her number the next day the person on the other end answers the phone with, "Good morning, county morgue".
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/6/2006 9:38:51 PM | "Why bother? It's a big waste of time for a man to even think of picking up a woman in a bar. From the time a woman enters a club she puts up the 'snob' or 'holier than thou' attitude. Even if you're being yourself & not using any bogus lines it's still a total waste of your time. God forbid you try to talk to a woman with friends. That's a crash & burn before it happens. Then there are the women who just go to clubs to get free drinks & make a sport out of turning down & humiliating men.
Been there, tried a couple of times. It's not fun. Save your self a crushing blow to your ego."
Hahah.
Sadly enough, that's been my experience. Well said. | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/6/2006 10:25:00 PM | | My experience is that I don't buy women any drinks, I make fun of them and then they make out with me. | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/6/2006 10:36:06 PM | I am amazed ...............
just like men to talk about what works and what don't. none agree.
buy her a drink . don't buy the drink. walk up to her. don't walk up. send drink over. don't send it over. think of them as a friend. yada yada yada
and the one woman i could remember says shes so shy and would'nt feel comfortable in a man bring a drink over. buttttttttttt
send it over to her table and if she liked you she'd walk over to you. (yes thats being shy lol )
if not she'd just wave thax...
no wonder we have these threads....lol
but its a fun one | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/7/2006 4:16:27 PM | Hey Okie,
Hate to tell you, but it's the same on the other side. We talk about how to get a guy to talk to us or if we're supposed to go talk to him and no one knows. Everyone has their own theories and experiences that say this way works or this one doesn't, but nothing conclusive. Fact is, I can go out to a club and guys will look at me or watch me all night long, but not dare come talk to me. I do have some male friends at the club, so I've asked them what I can do differently to help make it easier for a guy and they say not to change anything because the right guy for me is the one who will have the balls to approach me. As much as I like this advice, it's very frustrating. I should have said this in my first post, but didn't think of it. If you're making eye contact and it's good eye contact on both sides (this requires being extremely honest with yourself), go talk to her. If everything you do is based on love and kindness, you won't do anything wrong. And if she is rude, stuck up or otherwise, be glad you saw that side now and not later.
All the best.
M | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/7/2006 5:02:17 PM | I do smile, but never tried waving...not sure about that one.
Glad to see you're not joking, but I think you might be following me now that you know I make a mean meatloaf. 
M | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/7/2006 11:55:50 PM | No, the wave works. Basically, it lets us know that you noticed us. It lets us know that you're approachable. (Approachability is a BIG one.) Is she there looking to meet people? Is she there with friends just trying to have fun? And who is that guy sitting with her? What is his relation to her?
Most women fail the eye contact test though. Sometimes I feel like a ghost and wonder if I'm really there.
They're too engrossed in what they're doing, or talking to their friend all night. They don't scope out the room and look around.
Seriously, eye contact and a smile are all I'm looking for. And any other positive sign is a bonus. | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/11/2006 11:01:50 PM | Okay...I'll consider the wave thing but I'm guessing I'll practice it first cause i can only picture something really goofy in my head and I don't want to look like that. 
I use a lot of eye contact and smiling to let someone know it's cool to come over and talk to me. If they walk by, sometimes I'll say hi to them; so I don't think I fall into the category of women this guy has run into.
All the best.
M | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/12/2006 1:26:10 AM | | I was messing around with a girl in an irish pub in jacksonville, guys were buying her drinks all night. She offered too buy me drink's several times while she was making a bar run, I found it too be funny to say the least. She reluctantly gave me her phone number though and never returned my phone call, I was 21 at the time and she was 30(very good looking though). Anyway, thats why I never buy drinks and tend too run in the other direction when a girl brings it up durring the first few lines of conversation. | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/12/2006 1:58:22 AM | Ok, here's a female opinion. Personally, I get a little bit offended if I'm approached by a guy and chat with him for 5 or 10 minutes, and he doesn't offer to buy me a drink (if I'm empty-handed). It's not that I'm a "taker" or whatever you guys called it, but I think it's more of a courtesy or a gentlemanly thing to do. I might think perhaps he is broke or a cheapskate or something if he doesn't offer. I'm not necessarily after men with money, because personality is so much more important to me, but I'm not looking to be someone's sugar-momma either, and we like to be treated like ladies. As far as being initially approached, it is always a good idea for a man to carry a lighter, even if he doesn't smoke, and even if he doesn't desire a girl that smokes. The girl - or her girlfriend - might need a light and it's always a great ice breaker to reach out there with a light for her. It's a low-cost way of breaking the ice :)
A surefire no-no is to approach a girl and immediately offer to buy her a drink. It says to her that you're scamming for chicks, and maybe a little bit desperate. You want to appear as though you're just there to have a good time. Say to her, hey, I really like the music in here tonight, is it always this good here? This will open up a conversation and you will also find out if she goes there often (so you can have the opportunity to see her again).
Somebody said something about if a chick gives you her email or her myspace instead of her phone number, that is a polite way of turning a guy down. NOT TRUE! Most people just don't want their phone ringing at odd times and not knowing who it is on the other line. I know I won't answer my phone at all if I don't recognize the number, and I won't give my number out to anyone I don't consider a friend. Even if the person seems great and is really good-looking, I don't know if they're a psycho or not and they might start calling all the time. It's kind of a safety net until you get to know the person a little better. Email is a perfectly acceptable way of getting a hold of her when you first meet, and it is also a way to jog her memory and give her a way to remember who you are. Some random phone call from "Eric" or "Steve" isn't likely going to leave her remembering which guy in the polo shirt and khakis that she ran into that night, unless you really left an impression on her from the start. So don't be offended if you get an email address instead of her number. :)
Also, the advice someone gave about having a good girl friend to go with you, that's a great tactic, and so is complimenting her. The going up to a crowded bar idea is good too! | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/12/2006 8:55:57 AM | | My ex wife would go to the bars with $1 and come home drunk every time. | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/12/2006 11:41:52 AM | If he is not drinking, it's still a nice gesture to offer. I could be spending time with someone else instead of him, maybe someone who would be gentlemanly enough to offer a drink. I might refuse the drink and continue to talk with him, appreciating that he at least offered. Perhaps I am a lipstick feminist, but I still think that men should try a little. But, I don't make very much money so if I only had enough money for two drinks the whole night, I'm certain that I wouldn't be inclined to use half of it to buy a drink for some dude I'm not interested in.
Plus, you have to understand that as a somewhat attractive female, I get approached a lot, so yes, I can be selective about who I talk with and spend time with. And frankly, if someone wants to leech onto me and they are uninteresting or dull, I'm not going to stand there and feel honored to be in his presence, and feel as though I should buy him a drink.
Additionally, if some guy came up to me and expected that I would buy him a drink I would wonder what sort of a relationship that he wants from a woman. I, personally, am not attracted to men who are full of themselves and think that women should be falling all over themselves to get to know him. I'd rather spend time with someone who is already secure in themselves and doesn't need extra validation to inflate a poor ego.
Buying a drink for a lady at a bar is customary and polite. 'Nuff said. | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/12/2006 11:57:44 AM | | Dude you never fail to amaze me with your great answers- we need to have a beer sometime! | |
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| Approaching women in bars
Posted: 7/12/2006 11:59:38 AM | | I find women will usually look up to me if I approach them on stilts. But try finding a bar with high ceilings, and no fans. | |
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