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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/21/2008 2:59:01 PM | Sensitivity is a truly important quality for any type of relationship. The difficulty arises when people want to hide behind sensitivity instead of doing the real work needed to sort out the bumps that happen in any relationship over time.
So part of 'strong' means (for me) you aren't crushed when your partner disagrees with you or offers constructive criticism. You are able to own and respectfully express your feelings about everything and you are 'strong' enough to allow your partner to do the same!
The above post sums up how I feel.
I am a strong woman mentally, verbally. I can comminicate when I am upset, or feel like I am not getting what I need...but sometimes when a man is sensitive, they take it as a personal attack....and bolt...just my experiences...not all men are like that.
Being sensitive is not a problem-it's how you deal with it than can cause problems...and whether or not you are only sensitive to your own needs. | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/21/2008 3:23:30 PM | Thank you all including the member whom began this thread, because this really and seriously hit home to me. I believe I have lots to learn in discoverig what I've been doing it all wrong. Bare with me because living this current life is real hard and it is because I'am Mildly mentally retarded. For all others who were born with this please post here, dont make me feel Im the only one on this beautiful site who has this. I'am still discovering alot more about what life and having a great relationship with a mate. Take care all and god bless you all! ;)
Here fishy fishy fishy!  | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:34:33 PM | | That's why I try to ask a guy to "fix things" around my place. I let them do anything they want, like a new roof, or electrical wiring. Hey, I'll take it! | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/22/2008 1:16:16 AM | That's the thing... sometimes we have NO idea why we aren't attracted to certain people.
Maybe you just don't float their boat.
No harm, no foul. | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:11:40 AM | Speaking from personal experience, I think that a woman who displays internal strength poses a threat to a man, mainly because of their own insecurities.
They look at a woman who by all appearances becomes less needful of them as not being in love with them anymore.
I was married for 14 years and at the beginning of the marriage had just graduated from nursing school, was trying to raise 3 children on my own, and looking back I probably was looking for someone to save me from my life. The man I met was strong and seemed to be very much in control of his life.
then....
I worked very hard throughout my career and began to get promotion after promotion and eventually my income doubled in proportion to his .My children were growing up and becoming successful also. My husband started to change from being on our side to looking at us as the enemy.He spent most of his time sulking and not speaking to me or the kids and would not open up to us as to the reason for this change. I must say that we never changed the way we treated him nor was the issue of income ever brought up.
He had this internal struggle and disappointment with himself that he had not progressed in life either by career or personal growth and he blamed the family for this.
If this could be the case in a marriage, it surely can come into play as far as dating.
I continue to have this experience. When I meet a man and begin to talk to him, he asks questions associated with my career and my life, and somehow assumes that I have no real need for a man. I have never given someone this impression.
Given my experiences and those of other successful women I know, I would have to say that men PREFER not to date strong women. | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/22/2008 6:21:03 AM | Good Gawd.
53 pages and we haven't even nailed down a mutually-acceptable definition of "strong" yet. Every person comes in here and explains what they think it means, as if their definition is something that we've never heard before, and we're all right back to square one.
(nursefirst60) Given my experiences and those of other successful women I know, I would have to say that men PREFER not to date strong women.
Them as can, do. Them as can't, teach. (or, to make it pertinent to here, them as can't, come and lecture about it on the PoF forums.)
Arlo  | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/22/2008 10:52:45 AM | Ok, let me elaborate. I consider a strong person to be someone who is independent, capable of making critical decisions, benevolent, kind, solid as a rock emotionally and spiritually, possesses the ability to influence people, knows exactly what she wants, etc..
A strong person is NOT someone who is bossy, loud mouthed, hyper critical, complaining, nagging, take control of every situation, etc...
If a woman is truly in the first description I just gave, then she would be a joy to be with. If the woman is in the second category and is labeling her self as "strong personality" (which I have heard before many times), then that is not the kind of woman that any man wants to be with. | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/29/2008 7:40:51 AM | | Because women have nowdays become the men. They have forgotten, or out of necessaty, learned, how not to follow. Sad, really, when you think about what we have become. | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:04:30 AM |
They are so busy trying to prove that they are independent and smart and strong that they won't let anyone in. This sounds like the "Men ARe From Mars" bla bla bla bla books. I'm not trying to "prove" anything. I am what I am.
I think that men need to feel usefull and when women are totally self sufficient I think men feel useless and less of a man. Not a good feeling for a man.
There's that fine line between being totally self-sufficient and needing a man. Frankly I don't ever want to need a man. Because the kind of man who would be turned on by me being needy or needing him is not the kind of man who I want. I know this for sure. Because i have been in that place before. And the kind of men who were attracted do me at that time were not the men who I should've been with.
My father taught me to be able to support myself. He said to get an education and be able to support yourself. Don't depend on a man to do it, because he will leave you. And this is true. I have met so many older women, I mean up there in years. Who never learned how to even balance a checkbook. They depended on their husbands. And when they got old, and their poor husband was tired of them depending on them to wipe their asses, they got abusive. The women ended up rejected, alone, and with no life skills. And they never even had jobs the entire time they were married. Because they were so concerned with, and busy making themselves more "attractive" for a man. No thanks! | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:05:12 AM | The message you are replying to:
Posted By: Md Cowboy on 6/29/2008 7 51 AM
Subject: Why men don't date strong women...
Message: Because women have nowdays become the men. They have forgotten, or out of necessaty, learned, how not to follow. Sad, really, when you think about what we have become.
.........................................................
Questions for MdCowboy:
Do you think women are "supposed" to follow men?
Are you scared of strong women?
Do you surround yourself with women weaker than yourself so you don't have to admit to yourself that you are weak?
If you look in the mirror and say -"I am weak" - do you feel shame? Fear? Regret?
Do you like yourself as you are, or think you should be something else?
Do you let women be as free and strong as men in your life? If not, why not? | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:08:30 AM | I cannot for the life of me understand how any adult of sound mind, body, and soul, whether they are male OR female, would want to follow anyone or have someone follow them.
Isn't that what children do...follow? Or dogs for that matter?
I'm not saying it's wrong or right to think this way. Just that I don't understand the concept behind it.
But that's okay, I don't need to understand it. I just need to accept that it works for some people, in the same way they have to accept that it doesn't work for me.
The way I see the argument of this thread is like this...if a man decides he doesn't want to date me because I'm too strong, or too weak, or too needy, or not needy enough, or too much of this or not enough of that...what difference does it make??
All it means to me is that for *whatever* reasons, I'm not his his cup of tea, like I'm not most people's cup of tea, and I would simply wish him well and hopefully he would do the same. No?
Why make it more complicated than it has to be. Someone is not right for you? Fine. Wish them well, move on, and live and let live.
JMHO
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:31:11 AM | I suspect that *some* men don't mean follow all the time OldSoul. More like on a team... when your team mate has the puck, your role changes... you slide into supporting them with it, being available for the pass. When you have the puck, they do the same. When the opposition has the puck you both move on the defense... with your role dependent on where you are on the ice.
The so-called strong women they complain about always have to be the one who is carrying the puck. Or they think carrying the puck is the only role that matters. It's just not effective team play. At least, that's how it occurs to me.
But you're right... the key is to find who you are compatible with... your style of play has to mesh well. | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:30:03 PM | "The so-called strong women they complain about always have to be the one who is carrying the puck. Or they think carrying the puck is the only role that matters. It's just not effective team play. At least, that's how it occurs to me."
Very true, Margo.
Can I add that the men who do not like to date strong women are the same? They always need to be the one carrying the puck and believe that is the only role that matters?
A woman who considers herself strong, by the second definition given above, would not respond well to a man who always needs to be the one carrying the puck. Hence, their sense that 'men don't like to date strong women' when it is really a particular type of man, not all men in general, who do not respond well to them.
And so, Sherlock :-) strong women who continually have that experience need to ask themselves what they are doing to attract that particular type of man. Because their is irrefutable evidence that they are not all hard-wired that way. | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:55:46 PM | A few have mentioned different definitions of 'strong' women. It made me think of my grandmothers who raised a dozen kids through the dirty thirties and a world war. I guess they were strong women.
Just that I need to remind myself, after reading 53 pages on this, we all have our own definitions of subjective words. | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:06:35 PM | Now this is an interesting way of looking at things.
I will agree that there are always going to be some people out there that have to be carrying the puck.
Interestingly enough, boys are typically much more involved with team sports and such from a very early age than girls. Well that is changing, but when i was a kid that was definitely the case. Actually, boys tend to group together into team sized groups, even just to hang out. They learn intutively about teamwork and belonging to something that is bigger then themselves. Girls tend to cluster in groups of 2 or 3 to be exclusive and then shut everyone else out. I don't mean this is a pro or con either way, just an observation. I mean, from an evolutionary perspective, women have evolved to be the ones at home taking care of their own family while the men were out hunting in packs. Its somewhat natural that a woman would be more of a solo artist compared to guys naturally considering themselves to be part of something bigger than themselves...a team.
Every once in a while there can still be a "ball hog" which is what we always called the odd prima dona dude that had to always hog the ball for his own glory. It was always frowned upon by other boys and generally this behavior was usually weeded out through shaming from the other boys, unless he was a total star and we wanted to win so badly that we were willing to let him have all the glory, again for the good of the team. But at older ages, even that was frowned upon. By high school, boys had to learn true teamwork, which did not provide much latitude for ball hogs...other than certain spoiled babies.
I actually do think that it may be possible that a woman could more easily become a "ball hog". For a very long time, men have had to evolve into team players and women have not needed to until maybe the last 30 years. I think what is perhaps more natural for a woman is not to think of it really as a team, but rather as a dominant-submissive relationship. One person is dominant over the other. In some cases, they want to make sure that they are the dominant person, or at the very least, not the submissive.
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:15:22 PM | Nothing turns a date to poop like sitting across the table from a nitwit-- gotta love those bright women -- you called them strong.
Just my opinion | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:44:41 PM | I actually do think that it may be possible that a woman could more easily become a "ball hog". For a very long time, men have had to evolve into team players and women have not needed to until maybe the last 30 years.
I'm not quite buying your line here.
I think women are CONSUMMATE team players which tends to result in too much conversation and not enough decision making.
Men recognise and accept leaders provided that the leader fits with whatever the focus is. When men accept a leader, they'll happily die for the cause. | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/29/2008 6:49:09 PM | I can't speak for all women..but, in order for me to follow anyone..I have to really trust them. And, not saying it's right, but, when you have trusted implicitly on more than one occasion , and your trust was betrayed...it does make the process harder the next time.
Even men must need trust to follow...but, maybe the perceived risk to them is different or not as personal as some women may see it?( I'm speaking of the team player analogy).
People who need control ( male or female) have trust issues. I don't think that women are either more of team players or less...I think maybe that their particular issues scare them enough to exert control to protect themselves. Emotionally, women do respond different than men, and aren't taught, nor is it ingrained in them, to trust men blindly.
In fact, the opposite is true. Though intentions may have been good, what this has done is generally make a lot of women..assume that he won't be nice. Then they get a couple of men who prove this hypotheses ..and from then on they are on defense mode. Which often exhibits itself in behaviors men really can't abide. I don't know for a fact what the solution is, but, I'm guessing either therapy and/or an understanding partner might fix most cases. I guess I want to say that often these behaviors are manifestations of fear..not an agenda to be a b!tch or mean. Many probably don't even know why they do it. Self reflection isn't a common feature for many people ( of both genders).
What I'm trying to say, not too well, is: Men will happily die for the right man and cause...but, the parameters by which they trust that man are different emotionally than for a woman? I would guess they trust him not to endanger their lives unnecessarily, or to take advantage of this trust. Women often have other fears: sexual aggressiveness, hurt feelings ( something men usually don't consider when dealing with other men), being seen as less than a real person? These are not issues men usually have with other men.
And these might explain some of the behaviors...just an uneducated guess...but, captitano and borntoski's posts just got me thinking about trust and how trust " to not do something", may differ between the genders?
Men often take control by virtue of physical strength, and force of character. There are far fewer women who can do that, nor are they wired to...they take control with more passive/aggressive traits...and tend to be verbal..which is usually their strength. Misuse of either of these by either gender causes the problems, leads to "Strong women" being seen as a negative, and "weak" men being seen as negative.
Just some of my thoughts... | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/29/2008 6:58:02 PM | You are so right about this comment!
many of the so called strong willed independent women make it abundantly clear that they do not need a man or our opinion. How attractive is that? Many of the so called strong willed independent women have forgotten what it is like to have fun, be romantic, be romanced. They are so busy trying to prove that they are independent and smart and strong that they won't let anyone in. It is off putting just as if a man is trying to prove to you how smart or independent or strong he is. Relax a little...have some fun, let a man romance you...
If women are THAT independant, then they need to stay off the date site and realize that they should be alone! Let the women who want a man to be in there life and want and need romance be in this site.
Thats my opinion too.
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/29/2008 7:08:41 PM | Because women have nowadays become the men. They have forgotten, or out of necessity, learned, how not to follow.
Where have you been? Women have not become men. We have become "us" - women as we were created to be. There is nothing biological or genetic about women that makes them "followers". It was men's expectation that women follow.
A woman has leadership skills, gifting, intellect, will, desire, intent, goals etc just as men do. | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 6/29/2008 7:11:16 PM | | Well I think what you are describing isn't really a "strong" woman but a controlling one. I consider myself a strong female..I have my own mind, I make my own decisions, I have my own place, I pay my own bills and yes...I can work on my own truck. But I would love for a man to come sweep me off my feet. Do I NEED a man to survive...no....I'm usually single..and yes I'm still breathing. But do I want one? Yes.....I love the companionship of a great man, and by all means....let the romancing roam freely...I'll not argue....and if there's any out there that just can't seem to find a girl that will allow them to do that....by all means..come to Alabama and look me up haha. :) | |
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