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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/5/2008 12:08:19 PM | This seems to be a very interesting subject!
I for one thing have been there! I am a very independent and successful woman, who recently has gone through some family crisis! I have not been in the dating scene for some time! This is my first time trying the online! I have met some potentially wonderful men!
They were so interested in chatting with me! They found our messeges very stimilating so they tell me! When they finally met me for the first time! Everytime we would first meet! They would either pretend to be interested or claim that they were facinated and then disappear altogether without any ramp or reason why or what I did or did not do to chase them off!
My phyiscal appearance seems to scare people off for some reason! I never find out what or why I do not turn anyone one in the right reasons! I am very attractive, very outgoing and very social! I have had many fullfilments in my life! I have a great deal to share with people! I have never been successful with men! They have always never given me a real chance to shine! I am not physically attractive enough to keep their interests to even have good conversations! I am a strong woman, because I had to be strong, in order to go through this world completely alone! My family when they were alive, were never there for me really! I had to put myself through school and I excelled in professions for my passions as well to take away my many voids in my life! I have even went out and sought enjoyable things to do and enjoy, whether I had anyone or not! I am 50+ now and this having to do everything all by myself is lonily and it is getting very old! I have corresponded with several who claim to be of interest! Yet they do not respond back! If I had made mistakes, no one acknowledges me about them! So I try my best to change!
What I am saying! Is what happened to being accepted for who you are first as a person, then as a woman! What has happened to being treated as a good and decent and wonderful, fun loving person, without being made to feel that I am an odd ball for having accomplishments that maybe society feels that I should not have?
I do not want to go through the rest of my life alone! Wondering what it would be like to be accepted and enjoying others, because they want you there! Not because, they have to be there for you, or they feel that you are nothing more then an obligation to them? I am a great person! A wonderful and cultured lady with class and finesse! If only, the good men could sifle through all of the gorgious and striking ones who have those features naturally! and see those who may not be so gorgious and yet have a fantastic personality and zest for living a try! Not be so harsh and judging on my looks! I cannot change who I am! I cannot change where I am from! Just to feel welcome!
Thank you dearly for your time and patience and understanding! I wish I was beautiful and striking as some are! It would certainly help my morale and my self esteem!
just a humble and very interesting person's point of view!  | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/5/2008 12:50:40 PM | | ..... well, it has been my experience that weak men are absolutely terrified of someone who will speak to truth.... while a strong, confident, well adjusted man will either agree, accept an other person's right to express their perspective or their truth and still be strong, confident and well adjusted regardless..... strong women are fearless and will champion many causes and embrace their strenght and protect others who cannot do it for themselves.... which ... historically, has been a man's role, so yes, I can appreciate that a man would feel somewhat intimidated by that.... however unintentional it may be.....just an observation.... oh, strong women have alot of self esteem and will let you know it..... that.... is a very personal opinion..... | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/5/2008 1:02:12 PM | In simple terms: What has a woman be successful in the business world is often in opposition to being a success in relationships. (Disclaimer: Not all of it and not always).
Women, at least those roughly my age +/- ten years or so, had to prove themselves in the workplace. I suspect many of them brought those same attributes into their personal lives... not recognizing that the goal orientation, vigilance, competitiveness and assessing qualities do not make for a great relationship at all. Women speak of their success and achievements because they are proud of them and have often made sacrifices for them, but don't stop to consider that, that doesn't exactly translate to being a good partner or a good person within a relationship. It just says you've had xyz achievements. I know I fell into this trap and had to do some growth to get out of it. Still trips me up on occasion, lol.
I suspect that is what the OP was getting at with his "relax and have fun... let us romance you".
A relationship ought to be fun rather than a proving ground. It ought to be a team of two rather than two people who happen to share a residence. It ought to be more than an economic partnership.
What worked for me was to drop the enterprise or notion of relationships, quit being competitive and focus instead on relating.
Ahh, I probably should have explained this more fully, but I'm trying something new... brief posts. LOL@me. | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/5/2008 1:54:03 PM | You know what's weird? I always looked at the word "strong" as "able to deal with anything"...planning to be the best but preparing for the worst....not whining or complaining about what life owes them...
DJ, as usual you know I agree with you. I always thought strong was what my grandmother and mother embodied and both worked outside the home, but chose to stay home once the children arrived. But THAT had nothing to do with why I thought they were strong.....One of my greatest compliments was when my grandfather told me I was just like my grandmother.
And most intelligent women think that the $$ on dates should be equal, however would accept someone else paying. And the majority of men enjoy treating a woman, but don't like to taken for granted.
There are plenty of women out there like us (you can see some of them throughout this thread) - who understand what strong really means and have no qualms about paying for their dinner - what's unfortunate is "how" we came to understand the real meaning of strong. Strife often makes good strong, understanding, emphathetic (SP?) people, but the journey there sucks sometimes lol.
And I would do the same when it comes to what I am good at. Equality between men and women does not mean being able to do all the same things equaly well it is being of equal importance in the relationship.
Yeah, this is what I can relate to also. There are plenty of things that I am unable to do, so I ask someone who knows how. Many times, it happens to be a man because more men know how to change a tire than women do for example. I don't feel less of a person or a less of a woman because of this.
Wow, it's margo, I can definitely see where you could be coming from about the women proving themselves in their career and it coming over into their personal life. I know for me, I see some women at work and see how they "do" so much until they break. I find this sad in some way. Women fought and are still fighting for equality, but stressing themselves out to attain it. I want to be happy, not stressed about my job! Some people thrive on that though..... | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:00:47 PM | | I think there's a difference between a strong woman, and a woman who feels the constant need to prove to her mate just how strong she is. That's the type I don't like, the type who feels she has something to prove, who has to MAKE SURE YOU know just how strong she is. | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:11:21 PM | All this double talk is very PC but in reality every couple even same sex ones have a dominant and submissive partner.
It's just the natural way of our species,we search this out in our selection for a mate instinctively.
Truly their is no such thing as a equal couple in a relationship,the more dominant one will always prevail. | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:17:29 PM | | Men, in my opinion, like intelligent, strong, subtle, non aggressive, and feminine women. It's all a matter of style, not of strength. | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:24:24 PM |
All this double talk is very PC but in reality every couple even same sex ones have a dominant and submissive partner.
It's just the natural way of our species, we search this out in our selection for a mate instinctively.
Yes I understand this, but that has nothing to do with someone being strong. You can be strong and submissive and it does not mean that you are contantly competing with your partner either.
My brother doesn't even try to do anything with the computer, his wife takes care of it and frankly he doesn't care to know. He fixes the pool motor, she wouldn't even try to do that, nor is she interested. There's never any issue about who is better than the other.
See? | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:34:44 PM | Posted By: steed1978 on 7/5/2008 2 21 PM
Subject: Why men don't date strong women...
Message: All this double talk is very PC but in reality every couple even same sex ones have a dominant and submissive partner.
It's just the natural way of our species,we search this out in our selection for a mate instinctively.
Truly their is no such thing as a equal couple in a relationship,the more dominant one will always prevail.
........................................................................
Umm, this is partly correct. Every relationship is likely to involve a dom and a sub.
But these are just roles, not permanent or inflexible characteristics. I know I have both dom and sub parts to me and I think probably this is healthy. You can then slide in and out of one or the other role effortlessly and get satisfaction from each. Perpetual change keeps life colorful and rewarding.
If your partner is experiencing the same phase as yours, at the same moment, such as both trying to dominate, obviously you're in trouble. But no biggie. Just do something else for a while, staying apart if necessary. Sooner or later things will change and you will each be back in opposite modes and it's hello playtime and you're in heaven.
A healthy relationship will make room for dominance to flow back and forth without causing either party any needless or lasting discomfort or injury.
But it's sick for one person to be permanently and inflexibly always dominant and the other to be permanently and inflexibly submissive.
Traits of dom and sub do not need to be associated with gender. Both men and women can be either. | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/5/2008 4:46:38 PM | Well, by all means ........ROMANCE ME!!
I am open to that! Just do it in such a way as it is real and sincere,,on a level that is true romance and not merely a CONQUEST...NUTTIN ROMANTIC ABOUT THAT
n ya,,some of us know the difference and will tell you. | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/5/2008 5:03:46 PM | OShan,
Yeah, calgaryboi, the problem with "Relax a little...have some fun, let a man romance you...", is that very often when a woman does this, and 'allows' herself to be swept away by the man that she has decided to trust and open up to, the man will take this as license for him to a) start criticizing her, b) ignore her, c) abandon her, d) smother her, e) play games with her emotions, as in not doing what he says he will do, or saying one thing one day and denying he said it the next, or taking sides with anyone but her on an issue, or making unreasonable demands, or refusing to discuss important issues, or gawking at other women in public when he's with her or.....and the list goes on
Have you been hurt by guys who've done these things to you, because if you have, perhaps you're fishing in the wrong locales. Have you got a written list on your laptop to pull from when needed? I'm just curious. People often get hurt in relationships, and it begins to distort their views towards the opposite sex, and the potential for any relationships to flourish. They become their own worst enemy. They become bitter, and soon enouogh, they begin to project these traits onto others.
I'm totally with you here......
Romance is nice, and I'm sure that the majority of women would love nothing more than to "relax and have some fun...", but if they are "strong, intelligent and independent, they also want to know that the person they entrust their heart to has the character qualities it takes for building a lifetime of fun and romance.
Very true, but here's where I think we depart, because I find most .... lets say desireable guys..... find the same qualities important in women. We, too, are seeking the qualities of those who can stand the test of time, and we are making ou own assessments of who we meet.
You know, to offer a woman the "fun and romance" for a day or a week or a month, when this woman is looking for a long term relationship, and expect her to relax into it, you are setting yourself up for disappointment because most women are too smart for that. They don't want just the dessert...they want the whole meal. In other words, don't expect a woman to "...relax a little...have some fun, and let a man romance (her)..." if that woman is looking for a long term relationship
AS far as I'm concerned, I know rough roads will come up in any relationship, and it's difficult to see the road ahead until you get there. I personally dont' see women doing the 'smart thing', as you say, because most are more flippant and nonchalant regarding men. The dating opportunities for women, today, are far greater than ever before.
But it's this statement that I think really chaps some A$$.
If you are put off by this, then perhaps you need to have a nice long look inside yourself and determine where you might not be measuring up to what a woman wants and needs Uhm, ......... (thinking)....... so like, ..... who's measuring stick are we using, anyway? I insist I possess all the atributes you've described for long term potential partners, and no I'm not flattering you in the least, but, at the same time, it's still the same drivel.... I"ll simplify it.... in those terms.... "Men need to 'measure up' for women......
YOu know, I'm getting tired too. Think I'll take a nap.
Cheers
Mane | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/5/2008 5:50:27 PM | | Really thought we (men & women) were on this site for the same reason ... to meet others & see if the possibility of connecting & then seeing where it can go ... but not so sure that's the case with most of the guys ... no offence meant here but either you want to meet or you don't -- we (the women) are not your ex's & you are not ours ... some of us actually would like to meet you just because of what you say in your profile ... so far, I'm finding men say one thing but in actuality totally mean something else ... I'm a strong woman because of what I've had to go through in my life & unless you've had to walk in my shoes, don't discard me just because you THINK you know what I'd be like ... I go by how a man treats a woman -- & that starts from the first Hello on this site ... you really do miss out ... | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/5/2008 8:19:00 PM | | Men have no problem dating strong women boys in men's bodies do. A man wants a woman at his side who he can hold on to and talk to. As a strong woman I have dated males who can handle me and ones who can't. Secure men know if I say I'll be there I will if I say he is a friend he is if I came with you I am leaving with you. If I'm in I am not going any where unless you make me. | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/5/2008 9:38:22 PM |
Sorry, zangie... I'm not quite sure what message it is you are referring to. That women have to be 'strong' to be able to pay their own bills?
This is for you too Rock Hunter , since you asked a similar question...
The message I am referring to..no, not that I have to be strong to pay my bills..but subtly and overtly I was told consistently...that a measure of being strong was to be more like men. My father, whom I admired greatly,( and was very pro equal rights) even said this. He made frequent comments, for instance ,such as this : If you would spend as much time developing your mind/skills and thinking of your career future...as you do dressing up and fixing your hair you would be a much BETTER person. Now, keep in mind, I was never especially frilly or fixated on fashion and stuff...but, I liked to look pretty. I was also very into learning naturally, so that wasn't an issue. He wanted me to go to college and be successful, not that I didn't want to, but, I understood I had to do better than a mere woman who gets married and becomes a housewife. He also told me crying was for weak people, and I should never do it. ( not that I could, anyway..lol..but, I tried..lol). Etc., etc....
My point is..though I think he had good intentions..I think he drummed some of the feminine out of me, and I began to believe that men were "better" and I had to emulate them to be worthy. And this message came from other adults, including teachers...and I wasn't the only one. It was always intimated that there was something inherently wrong with women and the way they had been ...and that my generation was to change that. I started to feel guilty for anything that could remotely be considered "female".
So, when I said that some of what you guys are (though legitimately) upset about...we were taught this...
I spent half of my adult life with this sense that I was failing at being "strong"..and berating myself for any traditionally female behaviors...
I figured out it wasn't working..and by my definition of strong, which I think I posted earlier in the thread...I passed with flying colors.
Then I come to forums..and half the guys say..be more feminine, half say no, don't, we want you more like us...and the other half (lol..three halfs)..want us to be one way in certain situations, but, the other in others...sheesh..
Personally..here's my solution..I am who I am...I can stand on my own two feet..and I am not weak in any sense of the word..but, I am no longer going to pretend I can think/feel/process just like men do. And I don't want to. It doesn't work for either gender. I like the differences, and though I'm sure I have things about me that will exasperate any man (lol)...overall, I like to think I am much better as a woman who can be both feminine and strong. Even if some of the feminine isn't particularly 'strong'. I can only be true to myself...even if it goes against what the prevailing opinion happens to be.
If this makes it seem to some women and men that I want my cake and eat it too...well, they are entitled to their opinions. The guy who "gets" me..understands perfectly. And in the dating world, that's all I have to worry about... | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/5/2008 10:45:43 PM | | Thanks vvendy ... nice to know that there is a strong possibility that there might still be a few men in men's bodies who are looking for & enjoy being with a strong woman ... | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:42:31 AM |
Men, in my opinion, like intelligent, strong, subtle, non aggressive, and feminine women. It's all a matter of style, not of strength.[/quote[ WOW..you're spot on, when it comes to the type of women I like!  | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:55:07 AM | *- Some Flame-baiting/Trolling posts have been deleted. Posters in this thread are strongly reminded to address the topic and not other posters. Failure to adhere to the rules in this area will result in possible suspension of posting privileges. -TheMadFiddler-* | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:39:30 AM | | After much reading, I dont disagree with anyone's point as the type of people each are looking for are in line with what they want in a person. I am not trying to fit a pattern because whoever he is for me, wants me just like I am...anything less than my real self is fake. HAPPY FISHING may all your expectations be met, cuz I AINT SETTLIN EITHER | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/6/2008 6:44:15 AM |
I think there's a difference between a strong woman, and a woman who feels the constant need to prove to her mate just how strong she is................. the type who feels she has something to prove, who has to MAKE SURE YOU know just how strong she is.
I think we are in a war of semantics here. I am physically strong in that I can drive a tractor, dig in the yard but sometimes I just can't get the lid of a jar. I can take my car to get the dingy-pingy noise looked at, but most men can listen and know what that noise represents and not laugh at me when I call it a dingy-pingy noise because my strengths lie elsewhere. I can attend to his needs without being a servant and he is greatful for the loving touch that I use where he is concerned. He will find love notes in his pocket or over the visor in his car to tell him how much I think of him and how much I miss him when we are apart and how much I am looking forward to being in his arms again.
I want that port in the storm, the sancuary that only a man can offer me. I don't want to be in a contest to outshine him, out muscle him or out think him--but if I do, I certainly won't be standing there going 'yah, yah, yah' about it. He will appreciate my intelligence, my courage under fire, my ability to stand up for myself-BUT, he will also know that I realize he has my back to help me if I fall or fail and he will tenderly tell me how proud of me he is that I tried as I will him. I don't have to prove anything to a man who will love me, he will see the quiet strengths and love me for them. He will put his arms around me and find out just how weak I can be. 
.................now if I could just find such a man who is willing to find out........... | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/6/2008 7:54:05 AM | | Great post, Outofthedesert, and I think that many women (at least the ones who are forum posters) see it exactly as you do, too bad we cannot find a million of these men ..... | |
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:07:07 AM |
I don't want to be in a contest to outshine him, out muscle him or out think him--but if I do, I certainly won't be standing there going 'yah, yah, yah' about it.
Nice... and this is the sort of thing that many of the men here have been talking about when we are talking about 'strong' women as opposed to 'self-proclaimed strong' woman who never shuts up about her 'strength and independence'.
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:13:58 AM |
And this message came from other adults, including teachers...and I wasn't the only one. It was always intimated that there was something inherently wrong with women and the way they had been ...and that my generation was to change that. I started to feel guilty for anything that could remotely be considered "female".
Thanks, zangie...
I'm curious about the other people, besides your father, who were also giving you this message. It seems to me during the late 70's and through the 80's a lot of women getting bombared by this same message. I was being bombarded by feminist thought during that time and actually considered myself a 'feminist' during those years, as hard as it is to believe now....
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| Why men don't date strong women...
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:34:40 AM | | outofthedesert ... thank you ... 100% in agreement with what you say ... so guys, if your looking for these same things -- look no further ... as you can see, there are few of us right in front of your eyes ... | |
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