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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Interesting and Emotionally painful problem      Home login  
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 Funny_Girl
Joined: 10/27/2005
Msg: 26
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Interesting and Emotionally painful problemPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I've had (diagnosed) FM for a lil over 10 years and it has yet to stop me. Granted, there are days that are worse than other days, but they are just that...days, not an ongoing 24/7 event that equates to "no sex ever again".
That said, considering the trigger points of FM, I have to wonder how it prevents sexual intimacy? I know that when I'm in pain, it shapes me emotionally, but making sweet love improves things, it doesn't make me feel worse. Love making and emotional well being are therapeutic.

As the others said, "for better or worse".

By the way, there's a reason why she said that she didn't want to know about it, "under any circumstances".

You do the math.
 MetalQueen
Joined: 6/30/2006
Msg: 27
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/11/2006 7:01:33 AM
your disrespecting her by even being on this site. your a selfish old man who doesn't deserve to have a woman by his side.
 rainbowfishh
Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 28
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/11/2006 7:48:28 AM
msg27
well thats kinda obvious !

lol
 a_sweet_fishy
Joined: 3/11/2006
Msg: 29
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/11/2006 8:13:42 AM
Alright, if your wife is telling you it is alright to seek intimacy outside the marriage then it is alright. Period. I live 1,000 miles away from my husband. We see each other twice a year on average and have an open marriage becasue of this. We do not EVER discuss our other partners. To be honest, I have no clue if he has had any (I am sure he has) and he has no clue if I have (yes, I do). One thing I have learned, you will find little or no support on these forums for any type of alternative lifestyle. You will be bashed, ripped apart, degraded. Do what you need to do and enjoy your life.....just be careful. Everyone starts screaming about diseases. Just because you seek sex outside your marriage does not mean you are running around having unprotected sex with everyone you meet. I have one, long term FB and it works well. Just be honest with yourself about what you are doing and why, be careful and protect your wife's feelings, and live..........you deserve to. If your wife has suffered with this condition for this long then you have been being cheated out of a normal, healthy marriage anyway. I never condone cheating, but once she told you to do it, you have the green light and it is not cheating anymore. Good luck.
 huckfinnsr
Joined: 6/26/2006
Msg: 30
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Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/11/2006 8:17:41 AM
Seems that the "for better or worse" and the "in sickness and in health" parts of the vows you willingly made have been pretty well covered here but what about the "forsaking all others" part of the same vows. You have been there and appreciated the good times. Life is not always as we'd like it to be. Love, "true love" often means sacrifice. In the final analysis isn't that the purest form of expressing love? You have an opportunity here if you'll only sieze it. Any fool can say "I love you" when times are good and they're getting things their way. Do you love her? I mean truly love her. Understand she's in pain. More intense than yours because hers is both physically and emotionally. She loves you as much as ever and feels your pain in addition to her own while you actually entertain the idea of seeking your pleasure elsewhere. Good God man, this is not about you. There are ways to work out these things between you. the sanctity of marriage does and your personal honor should dictate that you pursue those ways and honor her. You swore before God and witnesses and to each other to do that. Why add more to this by taking her problems public? Be a man and do what's right or accept yourself as the dog you are if you put this poor woman through any more. Make her know that you're there for her and that she's all you ever need. Isn't that what we all yearn for, including you. You owe her that. Go home, stay home and be the man that you appear to be deep down. Everybody gets a little misguided and confused in times of stress but don't forget what "really" matters. She's probably never needed anyone in her life like she needs you right now. It's up to you, Stand up and be a man (because you love her, don't heap guilt on her for it) or walk away and show her how misguided she was to give you her love and confidence in the first place. Either way, you're the one who has to live with you and you can never escape that.
 sinsrus
Joined: 6/20/2006
Msg: 31
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/11/2006 9:25:12 AM
Why do come here ask for approval? We're not God, you know. We're just a bunch of loosers who can find love, can't keep love, or can't even understand love.

You're a man of free will. You don't need a bunch of fakes in high moral ground to tell you what to do. Just do whatever please, you only need to answer to your own conciense (sp?, I always have trouble spelling this one. Probably because I don't have one?).

By the way, find a second job to pay hookers may be easier and faster than locating a willing female here.
 canyunflyer
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 32
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Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/11/2006 9:47:57 AM
I like the way so many go 'right for the throat' on here. ha. Hey, I'm being facitious.

This is like the guy who tears his car all apart cause it won't run ....only to find, that the gas tank was empty!!!

Fibromialgia...my ass??? What you got here is some kind of extremely dysfunctional marriage going on. Its obvious, all the Love talk is in name only. A damn quadraplegic can be 'intimate'.... if not literally having intercourse...then certainly in the way they radiate and express Love! App0arantly your wife is manipulating you, using her alleged disease as the weapon....and you are obediently buying into it. Nobody has a nervous breakdown, just from lack of pure sex!! But people can Die...from lack of Love!

Save that money you might spend on hookers and use if for a very good counseler!!! And, let your wife worry about herself. YOU get to a counselor..... work on yourself!!!
 go99
Joined: 12/30/2005
Msg: 33
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/11/2006 1:54:31 PM
You have the right to a happy and sexual life..as do the bashers here...do what you have to do but there is no need to broadcast it......(I thought a big reason people got married was that they liked fu.king-smooching-kissing-touching each other). Yes there are other reasons also.
 WonkaBar
Joined: 2/3/2006
Msg: 34
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/11/2006 2:21:18 PM
All you chuckleheads spouting off about honoring your marraige vows are forgetting that said vows are made with the assumption that *both* parties are going to be contributing to the health and stability of the union. Part of that union, a very important part, is sexual intimacy. Forsaking all others, sexually, is done with the understanding that both parties are agreeing to be the other's primary (not sole, after all, there's that stuff you can do where you'll go blind) source of said intimacy.

If, in fact, one partner is no longer capable, or willing, of providing that intimacy, I really don't think it's reasonable to expect the other partner to never again be allowed the satisfaction of a full-on boink simply because their partner is no longer able to fulfill that aspect of their vows. It borders on selfish, to be honest.
 breznthunder
Joined: 5/22/2006
Msg: 35
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Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/11/2006 3:39:29 PM
Selfish would be leaving the person you are suppose to be in love with, and hopping in bed with someone else. Marriage is marriage. Better or worse. That is why people do not stay together anymore, because statments just like the last. Selfish, I bet if his equipment did not work, and his wife found someone to take care of her, the attitude would be different. Chuckelheads.. what a a..
 Jackie1954
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 36
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/11/2006 3:42:08 PM
breznthunder-- I totally agree. Having a nervous break down from lack of sex? Yea... right!
 WonkaBar
Joined: 2/3/2006
Msg: 37
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/11/2006 3:48:35 PM
Selfish would be leaving the person you are suppose to be in love with, and hopping in bed with someone else.


Conversely, selfish would be expecting your partner to NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN because you weren't capable (or willing) to hold up your end of the vows. Or did you miss the part where I said wedding vows are a two-way street?



That is why people do not stay together anymore, because statments just like the last.


Actually, my wife left me because I lost my job. You want to talk about selfish... but I don't fault her for it, because you can only live with heartache of any kind for so long before you seek a release.


Selfish, I bet if his equipment did not work, and his wife and found someone to take care of her, the attitude would be different.


You presume too much.

Expecting someone to sacrifice something that fundamental just because they love you is... well, it's not something I could ever bring myself to do. And before you tell me I'm full of it, at one point I *did* tell my wife to leave me, because I saw how much our financial burdens were breaking her heart. I told her "honey, I love you, but I think you would be better off without me dragging you down. If I'm going to self-destruct I'll be damned if I'm going to take you with me."

Still think I'm selfish? I was willing to give up the woman I loved because I thought it would be better for her in the long run. She could have had any man she wanted - she deserved one who wasn't hurting her through no fault of his own.
 DrewBond007
Joined: 6/27/2006
Msg: 38
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/11/2006 6:31:33 PM
you took the vow...get a lot of magazines, lots of cloth and enjoy the ups and downs of marriage.
 a_sweet_fishy
Joined: 3/11/2006
Msg: 39
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/11/2006 7:32:45 PM

Selfish, I bet if his equipment did not work, and his wife found someone to take care of her, the attitude would be different.


How can you possibly assume such? Did he make any indication of this. My bet is, if his equipment didn't work he would either get it fixed or tell her to find some relief. Most people who are capable of the type relationship he wants are capable of allowing their partner the same. This man has been faithful through 12 years of this and only after his wife told him to get some somewhere else did he start to think it was a logical solution. It is quite easy to judge when you have never been there.
 daisie
Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 40
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/11/2006 7:46:22 PM
Ya know what? I'm a pretty strict, conservative, no-tolerance for BS kinda person on A LOT of subjects. But I would NEVER condemn you or automatically think badly of you for going outside the marriage in a case like this. I

It's one of the hardest situations a person can ever face, and it's probably going to be a problem for the rest of your lives. That's a long, long time when you are in it and living it everyday. You have my sympathy and best wishes for some sort of miracle cure. In the meantime, if you go outside the marriage just be very careful in every possible way because you are playing with FIRE and good chance you'll all get burned.
 funnygirll
Joined: 5/10/2006
Msg: 41
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/11/2006 8:51:57 PM
first of all, you need to first look into getting some REAL help for your wife!!! Fibromylasia is treatable and people continue living health and energetic lives!!

Think about her as well, being unable to be with you must be really hard because it's out of her hands. Now think of that and add the fear that she must already have about you cheating on her... she may say it's okay because she doesn't want to lose you completely so she knows you have to get your out somehow...

Now about intimacy... what about her condition prevents you from being intimate with her??? I don't mean sex... I mean spending time together doing the things you both enjoy (as per your profile). There are also other ways to have sex that would be comfortable to her and would be very intimate...

I mean if you've been married this long and you love her, try to find some professional help for your situation. I'm sorry to break it to you.... but sex outside your marriage will do nothing but damage what is left of it.

Good luck to you and think about it a lot more than you have!

By the way, your profile name... is not the right one to use if you are looking for sexual intimacy... think about it.
 go99
Joined: 12/30/2005
Msg: 42
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/11/2006 8:58:37 PM
good one fungal, yes would scare any frisky women away if it was only the backdoor.
 shakdicaprio
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 43
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/15/2006 10:54:40 PM
yes what right is right but also while were add it a thought comes to mind lets not forget that there are also many who have left their love ones for lesser things while were so busy telling him whats right just a thought
 amazing80s
Joined: 7/3/2006
Msg: 44
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 7/15/2006 11:34:11 PM

said vows are made with the assumption that *both* parties are going to be contributing to the health and stability of the union. Part of that union, a very important part, is sexual intimacy. Forsaking all othe


Well, I think you're half right. Most peoples vows include , "" in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer. For better or for worse, till death do us part. ""
Different versions of course but the sentiment is the same.

The assumption of health and stability, of course. But with these words is the recognition, from generations before us, that this union is often struck by disease or illness. Things that couldn't have been forseen. Others were choices when entering the marriage, to accept knowingly of one another beforehand.

Either way, these words mean that you will honour each other as if no hardships have ever befallen you, even when they do. Working it out together. Otherwise We'd all just be living with, and having kids with, our friends. Not our spouse.
It's a promise of a deeper commitment.
Unless you got married in the 70's . Anything went in the 70's . LOL srry was gettin too serious.
 wpg_chick_84
Joined: 1/23/2006
Msg: 45
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 8/13/2006 4:16:37 PM
I have to agree with most of the people on here. Your wedding vows do say for better or worse in sickness and health and the whole forsaking all others bit. By having sex outside your marriage you a breaking these vows. Now before people get all on me about being high and mighty/ holier than thou, I want to point out that a high percentage of marriages end in divorce. These people also broke their vows and most people aren't on their case about that are they? The decision is really up to you on that one.

Also there are things that can be done to treat your wife's condition. Have her talk to her gynecologist and see if she can get a referal to a specialist.

You say you also want intimacy, but are looking for a woman to have a sexual relationship with. There is a hell of a lot more to intimacy than just peni$-vagina sex and many alternatives if you want to ejaculate with your partner. There's oral sex, hand jobs, sex toys. With a little imagination you can enjoy a healthy sex life with a partner who doesn't want penetration. Also try non-sexual intimacy: cuddling and what not.

You may also want to see a therapist both on your own and with your wife to help with whatever decision you make, whether it be pursuing a relationship outside your marriage or finding creative solutions. A sex therapist may be able to help if you choose to stay faithful.

Before I end off, I just want to tell you a story about a friend of mine who can't have sex with her boyfriend due to health problems. He pursued sexual relationships outside their relationship with her permission and it got him into a whole lot of trouble. Many of the women he was with didn't like the fact that he was with someone else and would do things to try to steal him away. 2 of them stopped taking birth control and poked holes in the condom so they would get pregnant. Now she not only has the pain of dealing with her illness, the pain she has for not being able to fulfill her boyfriend's needs, the pain of not having children, she now has to deal with DNA tests, one of which was positive, and now custody battles and the fear she will lose the man she loves.

Before making any decisions, try to think of the best and worst of what could happen in either situation then decide.
 who_the_fox
Joined: 4/29/2005
Msg: 46
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 8/13/2006 4:19:59 PM
If and only IF your wife agrees to you seeking a lover, then you should find someone.

Otherwise, no. If you need sex that bad that you would cheat, then leave first.


and btw


I have been in your shoes.
 terminallycute
Joined: 8/3/2005
Msg: 47
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 8/13/2006 4:32:06 PM
You will do what you have to do..

One thing about coming here and asking about this kind of advice....the Majority of us have been burnt by a cheater....so you wont get to much sympathy here hun..Although no one here or anywhere else has the right to judge.

You are the one who has to live with the outcome though...so You really should take all things into consideration before you make your choices on how you want to go about things.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 48
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Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 8/13/2006 4:39:31 PM
It doesn't sound like you want to cheat on your wife and you know that even if it is just "sex," that in your heart, you will feel you have cheated. Follow up on the comments on getting additional medical advice to see if the condition can be treated. There are also many books for people that have experienced paralysis, ways that people can have an enjoyable sex life without engaging in sexual intercourse. There may even be some literature on how to have sex with someone with her condition that will reduce or eliminate the pain she is experiencing. Sex toys for men also seems something worth pursuing. You have many other options than going outside the marriage and until they are exhausted, you should not violate your vows because that seems like it might head you to another breakdown.
 kittyblack
Joined: 1/18/2006
Msg: 49
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 8/13/2006 4:53:30 PM
what about trying a prostitute? i'm sure those ladies have saved many a marriage.
 kookies
Joined: 1/13/2006
Msg: 50
Interesting and Emotionally painful problem
Posted: 8/13/2006 5:03:30 PM
so whats her problem...that she cant do it for you...an she needs someone else to do it? how sad...to see someone who loves u for sickness an in health to only leave you hanging. she not capable of providing u with your needs>...hmm., there are so many ways ..time u two looked into it.

besides you wont get my sympathy if ur thinkin of cheatin in any way being a married man...no excuse ...you took the vows..obide by them....or leave.
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