| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/2/2006 3:23:22 AM | SOME REASONS WHY MEN MIGHT STAY IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP:
Shame
"What will people think if they knew I let a woman beat up on me?" ."I don't want to be laughed at; no one would believe me."
Self-Worth
"I probably deserved it."
Denial
"I can handle it, it's not that bad."
"All I have to do is leave the house until she cools down.
Reluctance to Give Up the Good
"She is really a creative, or loving, or wonderful person most of the time."
"She doesn't mean to be this way it's PMS, the kids giving her a hard time etc." ====
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Geeeezzeee Mike.
You are so freaking me out!
These reasons (apart from the PMS) are the same reasons an abused wife stays. Almost exactly the same. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/2/2006 3:32:11 AM | Blackmanx, there will always be trouble in the world. Dont sacrifice your life for this. Be with Wendy and be happy. Forget about the "men's revolution" thing.
It's just not worth your life. life is short. you could die tomorrow. or your
girl could catch cancer.. forget about world issues. they
will be still world issues when you are long dead. peace.
Lauren. Those who know me know about my gender reversing habits by now.
Blackminx, there will always be trouble in the world. Dont sacrifice your life for this. Be with William and be happy. Forget about the "women's revolution" thing.
It's just not worth your life. life is short. you could die tomorrow. or your
boy could catch cancer. . forget about world issues. they
will be still world issues when you are long dead. peace. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/2/2006 3:35:35 AM | Abusive Women also will call use another tactic......They can say thT YOU RAPED THEM WHEN YOU DIDN'T...The woman I was with did this verry thing.....I am verry lucky. in that the officerse handled this case...the way they did.
None the less it was devistating to me...
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Lee. I know I'm getting extremely personal now but, how long did it leave you impotent for.
Two months or two years?? If you say two weeks you're a lousy liar.
Next time some female comes onto these boards griping about a bf who isn't meeting her needs in bed just remaind her of this paticular reason. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/2/2006 3:42:39 AM | Blackmanx, are you a masculinist? (ie opposite of feminist) Seeking equality in men's rights
Eric
I know I'm splitting hairs here but there's no such thing.
Manx is a feminist. Pure and simple. Seeking equality, and eliminating abuse, regardless of gender. You do not need boobs to be a feminist. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/2/2006 4:18:12 AM | Indigo Rose
I stand somewhat Corrected.
I told the board that the real reason for the greater numbers of wife bashings what that the number crunchers simply refused to collect data on husband bashing.
Seems that a few of these number crunchers are growing up. They are now addresing BOTH issues
re Jodie Lenoards report
http://www.victimology.co.za/new%20papers/leonard.pdf
I wish that the damn thing wasn't in PDF It's great.
The real freak out was the massive range reported by the varios institutions
eg The Crime Research Centre of the university of West Australia found that only 85 of domestic violence victims were male but the International Social Science Survey found that 50% were male. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/2/2006 4:47:01 AM | Those numbers are scary.
But what do we do? it's to late!
I guess we could burn our briefs and demand equal rites.
However the ladies have worked hard and organizied, the die is cast.
Equal rites are now special rites. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/2/2006 4:51:56 AM | You get abuse with both sexes but when it comes to recognition of the problem, only one side is acknowledged. There's a reason for that but that's not what this thread is about.
Either way, if you get hit, that's a pretty clear sign. Passive aggressive behaviour is probably the biggest indicator (in my experience, it's the only true one) of an abusive person. If somebody has always been sweet to me and then for no good reason they just turn around and say something totally rude or dismissive then I know what kind of person they are. If they apologize and explain themselves after the fact then that's different because they recognize that their behaviour was out of line and aren't proud of it. Everybody has bad days . If , however, they then try to carry on afterwards (prior apology made or not) as though nothing had happened, I give them the "yes, that's nice"-and-walk-away treatment. When they ask afterwards (and eventually they always do) why I did that, I explain it to them. I won't mince words and they can resent it or accept it but if they ask, they'll be told. I certainly wouldn't pursue any sort of romantic relationship with them though after an incident such as the one I described. I would caution others as well as to their potential abusive nature. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/2/2006 8:19:31 PM | Indigo Rose
If you are going to hurl abuse at me like that at least give me the right of reply. Do not go sending me an abusive e mail and then block my response.
Woman hating??? I don't think so. Go back and read. I hate, in order.
1/ Husband bashers who refuse to admit they are husband bashers.
2/ People who refuse to face the fact that this is still abuse.
You can do better that hurling abuse at me. It's childish and it doesn't do you, any credit at all. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/2/2006 8:25:29 PM | Black Aces
A century ago women were saying the same thing about institutionialised sexism. Two centuries ago blacks were saying the same thing about slavery.
When the die is cast it can always be re cast.
Equal rights do in fact exist. (Not the occasion, a few postings back, when a cop silenced the girls mum who was trying to coerce her into saying she was the victim and not the abuser). Battered husbands still don't get the same hearing as battered wives but the police and the courts still know that battered husbands do exist.
I don't yet know of any women beng jailed for husband bashing but, as I've travrelled these boards I've been quite surprised to find the numberof posts by fathers who have recived sole custody of the children when the family courts have found that the wife was abusing the husband and was likely to get violent with the kids. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/2/2006 8:52:17 PM | I blocked you as I didn't want anymore unsolicited woman hating mail! My exact words were and I quote myself:
I don't abuse men and I don't need to hear anymore of your woman hating bullpuckey have a great day!
^^^^^^^^
If that is the kind of abuse you are preaching on and on and on about ...yes woman have treated you so poorly! | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/2/2006 9:05:24 PM | | i am appalled by this. I feel sorry for abused men. I only knew of abused women. In my field of work, I have dealt with abuse. Only women. I didn't really know that men could suffer the same thing. Why would women do that? Excuse me for being so naive - I just never heard of this before. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/3/2006 12:36:07 AM | .
Many of us do not get “mad” like some people and therefore will not tolerate that type of foolishness in those around us.
For instance, only one time in my life did a woman try to strike me in anger. She instantly ended up sitting on a dining room chair. I simply told her that my reflexes are very fast and I am quite adept in self defense (which she knew). Then I explained that one problem she must realize is that action may come well before thought, which means that anyone becoming a threat could very well get hurt. I will not willingly harm anyone, but I will not allow myself to be abused, either. Nor should anyone else!
She had a temper for as long as I knew her but, after that little talk, it was never again directed at me. If there was a problem, we talked about it like adults, not combatants. That’s all I wanted.
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/3/2006 4:53:37 AM | i am appalled by this. I feel sorry for abused men. I only knew of abused women. In my field of work, I have dealt with abuse. Only wom
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Starting over
I can tell you exactly why you have only heard of abused men and this board is a prime example.
- There are many forums where the issue of husband bashing is raised. THIS paticular forum is the first I've ever participated in to go anything like several hundred posts.
It's such a taboo topic that it normally only gets to a dozen posts before being banned.
Mainstream society and media is even worse. Virtually NO newspaper editors print any material on the topic.
At the local level my phone number has been banned from 3AW, talkback radio for trying to raise the issue.
It's at the same level that gay bashing was at about twenty years ago. Grudginly tolerated but nobody talks about it.
No modern respectable mid aged man, OR WOMAN, would ever admit to particapating in gay bashing in their younger days. But it went on. In twenty years no mid aged women will ever admit to having being a husband basher. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/3/2006 5:57:49 AM | @sparticuss
I'm glad to see someones addressing this issue.
After numerous relationships and after surviving through being abused multiple times at 43 i'm afraid to be alone in the same room with a female.
In my last common law relation ship, she was wonderful until the real her showed up. I remember her punching and doing everything she could to get me to hit her back like it was yesterday. I never went near her again after that.
My last girl friend new i was leaving her so she and her best friend lied to the police to make my life hell, and after time when they admitted they lied they were not charged.
My first wife was caught putting drugs in my food and drink.
It goes on and on. now i'm in no way saying that i'm a perfect guy.
But the ladies know they can get away with almost anything the police believe them and thier girlfriends will lie to back them up.
The reason this issue is never being addressed in many instances is simply because the ladies have a well organized network news paper editors have a predominate female staff.
Dude the ladies have all the bases covered they're organized and i can't see it changing.
I predict there will be huge increases in the numbers of men that are going to hire prostitutes.
Last, in time the ladies will hang themselves, men are already getting wise to the little tricks they use.
i.e the 50 floor office buiding or the hospital are work places that they control and have over 80 percent of the jobs based on the b.s. argument that they're under paid. Then if a man trys to got work in thier controlled areas he may last put not likely.
Just think if employers were ordered to hire one man for every woman, the almigty sisterhood would start to crumble. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/3/2006 6:29:53 AM | Does the finger wave...Bring it On.....
let's get abusive
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Believe me Red Dragon. When the issue is abuse the double standards are as thick as the similarities. ( I've never seen anything like that list of reasons that abused males stay.
Indigo Rose thought that by hurling a bit of the usual rigged data about ONLY women being abused, over the board, that it would somehow shut the board up.
When it didn't she threw a tantrum. Like a husband basher, Like a wife basher.
Just for the infomation of the board NONE of the private messages I sent her were "unsolicited". They were all replies to messages she had sent me. Nor did I send her any material preaching hatred of woman. Only of domestic abusers. (Most abusers, regardless of gender, seem to sufffer this sort of blinkered vision.)
Back to the topic!
Some time ago I raised the issue of the Erin Pizzey book "Working with Violent women"
To those who have recently droped in Erin Pizzey was the first to note that over half the wives who fled to womens shelters promptly returned to their abusive partners and picked fights with them again
Does anybody know if abused husbands are in the habit of doing the same thing???? | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/3/2006 6:44:41 AM | And here's something else I've learned: not to relate the story of the psycho lawyer on a date. On two occasions on dates, the conversation turned to troublesome exes, and I told the story of the psycho lawyer. Both times, my date sided with me right up until the part where I physically throw her out of my house. Then suddenly I'm the bad guy, I'm a monster, I'm abusive! All the explaining that "that's not me, I'm not physical, it made me feel sick" has no effect. But that's how triggers work.
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Luv Munkey
There's another reason that you never relate that story on a date. (And it applies to battered ex wives too)
You are telling your new date that you put up with an abusive partner for a year, or a decade. You are telling your new date that, if they get abusive, they will get away with it.
The only one I know of like this was a batterd wife. She broke the cycle by inventing a fictional ex bf who was the original "perfect man" but who was dating her and two other girls, not behind anybody back, while trying to make up his mind. And who eventually decided on one of the other girls.
It's a fictional story of a near perfect man and a perfecttly good reason for the last relationship to end. Pure fiction but it worked. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/3/2006 7:21:48 AM | Some types of people are attracted to people who are abusive. They complain, blame, and try to control. Yet they continue to allow others to hurt them. In reality, they are more comfortable complaining and feeling resentful than acknowledging how very hurt and angry they are. They push their thoughts and feelings out of awareness by focusing all their energy on OTHER people.
The irony is that as much as a "codependent" feels responsibility for others and takes care of others he believes deep down that other people are RESPONSIBLE for him. He BLAMES others for his unhappiness and problems, and feels that it's other people's fault that he's unhappy.
Another irony is that while he feels controlled by people and events, he himself is overly controlling. He is afraid of allowing other people to be who they are and of allowing events to happen naturally. An expert in knowing best how things should turn out and how people should behave, the codependent person tries to control others through threats, coercion, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, manipulation, or domination.
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/3/2006 7:36:23 AM | there are several good books out there on abusive relationships....i was surprised to find some key phrases and behavioral patterns that were common to abusive relationships...phrases such as "i am doing this for your own good", "you always want to argue", "you're not thinking clearly right now, let me think for you"...........if any of that sounds familiar, then take a close look at whatcha got goin on....it might be costin you more than you think. you could be paying tha devil with yer self esteem........... | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/3/2006 12:06:57 PM | .
Huge hugs go to Indigo Rose; she just correctly identified two-thirds of the problem. . . .
Some of my most disturbing nights have been spent talking with women as an invitee at the woman’s shelter. (Yeah, they actually do let me in there -- when they want me to help! What a wimp I must appear to some of the guys, eh?)
The word, of course, is enabler. "One who supports with means, knowledge and opportunity." Enables. We all do that, somewhat.
As for physical abuse, some women enable. So do some men. Often it’s unconscious behavior. Sometimes it’s based on an intentional, self defeating, attitude. No matter what the underlining reason, the problem needs attention (for both parties) because it will be repeated.
And lest someone wants to jump down my throat for stating the above, yes it is also true that “some” people are abused simply because they are available at the moment of rage by another. Having worked a busy inner-city hospital emergency room off and on for many years, I’ve got many sickening stories about spousal abuse of both men and women.
Usually, nothing happens in a vacuum, though. That’s why, when the police come to a domestic disturbance, there are three stories they write up: His, Hers and the truth. Quite often, all three stories are different.
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/4/2006 12:26:09 AM | His, Hers and the truth. Quite often, all three stories are different
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1/ Neighbours version == He beats her up once a fortnight. I've heard him swearing screaming and carrying on.
2/ Her version -== I go out on the town with the girlfreinds once a fortnight. He's never hit me or even sworn at me.
3/ His version. == When she goes out on the town I just relax with a few beers and watch the big game on TV
4/ The police version == When she goes out on the town he just relaxes with a few beers and watches the big game on TV. AND swears and carries on at the TV when his team is losing. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/4/2006 5:47:41 PM | I did get totally custody of my Boys in a jury court by her antics and actions during the trial, and I've raised them with help from my family.
I am both surprised and delighted to hear it. You got lucky.
The copybook abuser, of either gender, knows how to behave themselves in a court of law. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/4/2006 5:52:02 PM | She came from a Loud, violent family, and I did not,
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Loud is often mis read as abusive.
One thing though! Loud people are normaly raining abuse and punches, or hugs and kisses all over everyone. Bette (kiss my brass) Middler is a good example of the second one.
If you get loud without the hugs and kisses then take it carefully. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/5/2006 4:08:47 PM | rgraham666:
You're goddamn right you're worth the bother.
Go! Save yourself!
Thanks mate, been pretty immobile, but am out, with a couple smashed ribs....and my LIFE intact!
thnks sweety..
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/6/2006 6:50:43 AM | But the ladies know they can get away with almost anything the police believe them and thier girlfriends will lie to back them up.
The reason this issue is never being addressed in many instances is simply because the ladies have a well organized network news paper editors have a predominate female staff
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Black aces
I do have to disagree with one thing paticularly in this day and age.
The major reason that they still get away with this is bluff.
Yes, there is a network of man haters running things. Yes police still don't treat husband bashing as seriously as wife bashings.
But police will still investigate a husband basher if they recieve the formal complaint. They have to. And they will prosecute if they get enough evidence.
Too many guys still arent walking through the front door of the cop shop when they should.
When they should is simple.
It's the first time the wife threatens to go lying to the cops herself. Even if she doesn't the husband should be on the phone to the police desk, with his version of events.
The police do note BOTH versions of events down for the record. And those records can be very handy if things get really nasty later on. | |
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