| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 3/8/2005 1:55:19 PM | hey, i for one appreciate the input blackmanx. People need to be aware of injustices.
for example, this morning someone said, "ABUSED men? i'm sorry, what? that's a joke. if you are a man, and you are ABUSED there is something really wrong. i'd like to point out that men are by nature, much stronger than women, much bigger, and i don't know many MEN that can be beat up by WOMEN. this is too funny.
i'm sure there are a few exceptions.....amazon woman with a 115 pund skinny guy, and i can understand that. but for the most part, i'm just sitting back and laughing b/c you all look like a bunch of pansies"
This person seems to think abuse is "funny". Hopefully after understanding some facts and gaining knowledge about specific cases, people like this will not be as obtuse. Maybe if people who are not educated on the issues posted here read some of the threads they will shed a bit of ignorance. Thank you manx for for bringing these serious issues to light. Obviously there are people out there who are not as sypmathetic as they should be. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 3/11/2005 8:12:44 AM | Abusive Women also will call use another tactic......They can say thT YOU RAPED THEM WHEN YOU DIDN'T...The woman I was with did this verry thing.....I am verry lucky. in that the officerse handled this case...the way they did.
None the less it was devistating to me... | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 3/13/2005 7:47:21 AM | I have dated a judges daughter once, she was kind and gentle er so I thaught.....I wouond up contacting the poilice when I got tired of seeing the scarlet rivers flowing,
then the mother stepped in asking did lee do this? the officer said mam if you keep this Up I don't give a d*mn who your husband is, I' haul your but to jail, for lsaeding the witness...the mother was extremly angerd but this, er she was a lil tipsy too...
but the arned her if they seen her driving instead of being at home, they were goign to arrest her for DWI
But all in all there was another issue that happend, I didn't know this untill dating her, but she suffered from Hydroenceflouse..or water on the brain...this last surgery took away her abillity to control her emotions and that is when the abuse became worse....I couldn't take it any more when I had to interprit to the police from the hit and run she was in....
and in general, its supose to be a nueteral person that interprits.
come to think of it....I can't figure out why I have been involved with 3 abusive woman...
I wonder if the trauma I went trhough as a child actaully created some kind of sub conciouse thing aobut how I chose a date..
Imean I notice a track record and now, I fight it, and am looking for a true lady.
I almost had the thaught that all woman were like this, I used to think that woman were users and had issues, till I met some normal ones.... but then I usually run from them..trying to break that habbit :) | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 3/13/2005 8:03:46 AM | though entitled to ones aopinion waht you just said ws a controlling statement designd to attack and berate, and often the woman won't beat the guy up her self, she 'll send in a guy to do it for her, I know I was n the reiciveing end of such as I ca;; a marrige from Hell, it was the first time that I actually was bout to.......well instead I took my 6 inch knife and trhough it as hard as I could at the window on the grey hound buss and train station getting the guards attention....he went away in cuffs, I found out that my exwife had set me up.
S befor you go laughing at anothers pain I sugest you take a deep hard look into your soul...
Abuse berate, laugh at others pains, and think that they are better than anyone else.
or one just might be truly scared to find out such a thing
I won't pass judgment
but there's a fine line between freedom of expression and speech...and down right Just abusive talk.
and I don't care feedom of expression and speech doen't mean that you can hurt the other person with razor like precision with words.
sharing Ideas and learning how to stop abuse is waht this is for, not for fueling anger and hostillitys,
I alsounderstand that you are form a different culter..
The truth is abuse is a seriouse mattter, eople with dissabillities are 50x times more likely to be in an abusive realtionship, just because they want to be loved...
I know that when I entered in to that class in who not to be abused, I ws the only male tat was there out of 5 women
they were unconfrtable and so ws I...5 womn one male, she had to constantly correct herself..
and finally the judge said do to issues and complications, I can not allow you to continue the calsses..I know its unfair and I wishi Iknew what I could do to help...
unforutnatley that judge has retired and left my area.
I wonder what would it be like to start a group for men, and to build a shelter jsut for them. with the exact same princaples that the woans shelter has.. I wonder if then..the community would wake up.....
why is it that we are so tollerant of abuse? beyond my understanding
I hink its time that peopl need to learn if your going to do the crime, you going to do the time | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 3/13/2005 8:10:31 AM | for example, this morning someone said, "ABUSED men? i'm sorry, what? that's a joke. if you are a man, and you are ABUSED there is something really wrong. i'd like to point out that men are by nature, much stronger than women, much bigger, and i don't know many MEN that can be beat up by WOMEN. this is too funny.
abuse doesn't always fall under "strength" but womne are more emotionally abusive and waht you said could be considered a form of abuse..its a derogratory unsympatheic remark designd to "Hurt" others feelings by making them feel less important...Or its a falt Uneducated remark..I am hoping its the lack of uducation behind it...that is to say, I hope that its the lack of knowledge and the willingness to understand such things.
and trust me, taking the mans mney and leaving hime with nothing, is a form of abuse, making him pay for everything while you go out and have fun and he sits at home and has nothing to do is abuse,
throwin away things like a cm corder ( it had a tape of unforgetable sunset aswell) is a form of abuse..
when ever you take the rights f the other away, its abuse. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 3/13/2005 8:28:14 AM | abuse isn' a mastter of wanting to stay, but rather the ideal that its not really happening to me untill one day...you realise that that te blood that is flowing from you is saying its not normal...
We never permitted ourselves to get into any situation...an some day.....it may not be the woman that kills you..but her boyfreind.
so look an abused man ded in his eye and tell him that....If your human you can't...and if yoiu can call him names then congrats.....You then have the abillity to be abusive..and that my freind is the path we all are wanting to change.
Have you ever tried to leave a hose that takes to keys to lokck? a house that becomes you prision?
have you ever had the joys of a gf setting her alam system not keep intrudrs out but to keep you in....I treid to leave...and then finally, I read hat was on the TTY when i came home an these were the words that I read from her mother, and it wahwat I gave to the police..
"you have to change hima and make him see things our ways, you have to be strong and forcefull or you won't win, you have to do what ever takes to make sure that he is under your control... We don't want hime to know our secrets and then leaving...."
I left as soon as I found this out, as she returnd the ring, she said your Not fair.and that i was a bad person.
The ring i later destroyed in a fit of saow and rage....
i should have hawched it for 5 grand lol. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 3/13/2005 8:32:11 AM | | Great post Blackmanx,went through it all and after counsulting various agencies left her took my baby girl with me,got a restraining order,issued a warrant on her and ran like hell.Not only was she abusive she used drugs and had men in my home while i was at work with my baby there....Now i live in a whole new world....and mostly a better chance for my little angel...boy! did she have me fooled initially but ones true colors always show up..like they say a leopard cannot change it's spots.I have moved on and life is a whole lot better without that woman and glad that i heeded my sixth sense and got out. | |
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wayne
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Joined: 5/9/2003
Msg: 85 | |
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 3/14/2005 5:30:23 AM | | Good thread here Blackmanx! The problem here is there isn't a level playing field. Its very tilted to one side. I know I have seen freinds go to jail just for arguing with they're better half. And guess what? Its always the guy that spends the night in jail. I don't care if hes got an axe in his head from her hes going to jail. Until men and women start saying this is not right and it needs to stop by way of their VOTE its not going to. Im not for abuse of anyone and I could be in this situation. Im a lover not a fighter after all. So until the playing field is level. Think with your head in a relationship not your heart or that other piece of your anatomy. Stay at your own place, and dont let anyone in your space you dont want there. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 3/15/2005 5:18:40 AM | | If you are with someone who would let you spend the night in jail for arguing with them, are they truly your better half or a two-faced betrayer and deceiver ? | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 3/15/2005 5:26:07 AM | I think that the initial post was entirely appropriate in referring to abusive women. He did not say women but abusive ones. Perhaps he does not have experience with abusive men but would know they exist. There isn't anything in this post that would lead me to believe that he would "find it hard to believe that they exist". To say men and women both have tempers sort of minimizes the differences in people. To say both sexes have a tendency to hurt is unfair to both sexes. Kind people have a tendency to try to help, pleasure not hurt people. Abusiveness is a far more destructive trait that only some people encounter.
The fact is that most of the dialogue has focused on abusive men. This is not to be used as yet another way of reshifting the focus back to abusive men. We all hear about that all the time.
In marriages, daughters are the primary target of abusive mothers. No one talks about this problem. It is a huge one. This is not a man's problem but a people's problem. Abusive towards parents, co-workers, men and children etc. As the other writer's have suggested, no one notices it because abusive people have front personalities that allow them to be highly functional and thought of as nice people. Creating false impressions is the abusive person's milieu. There back personalities are what they show in intimate relationships once they feel in control the abuse starts. Once they sense you won't or can't leave.
What makes it more a man's problem is that men tend to look for ways of justifying a women's behavior in their role of protector and caretaker. We want to be the knight in shining armor saving the damsel in distress. Men are strong and can handle it. There are ,of course men, that do not fit this profile. Perhaps I didn't have to say this. A man that strikes a woman makes me sick. I would like to throw away the key for men that abuse their families. But this is not about that.
It is about emotionally abusive women. The kind of conduct that does not land you in jail. It is killing a person with a thousand cuts. The kind that avoids the criminal justice system but is more deadly than the single punch in the face that leads a man to jail and counselling and divorce and disgrace. For men they have to do it on their own. How many times have woman punched men. We do not take it seriously because it usually doesn't hurt. But when men do it it hurts. And there are consequences because they violate their roles as protector.
David Hume, the philospher once said that all it takes is a paper cut to get one's mind off other people's problems. If it doesn't happen to us we don't take it as seriously. But this conduct dominates those in abusive relationships. You have to be there to know it.
Nor do I agree that tolerance of abusive in usually the product of low self esteem. It is often the product of kindness and intelligence. Finding many ways to rationalize a persons behavior in the hope that through reason and example and love a person can change. Empathy is used to say "Well if I had her childhood I may be the same way." Yes love plays a role. Seeing a persons vulnerability. You feel sorry for the person that is killing you.
Power tend to corrupt. An abusive person who gains power in the relationship only creates more abuse. As the prior writers say you have to walk away. Not so easy when you are in a marriage and there are kids that are going to be hurt. They love their parents and it is all soo difficult.
The is an up side to all of this believe it or not. What an abusive relationship does teach you is kindess, tolerance, love, patience, empathy, selflessness like you never had to learn it before. In certain ways, victims of abuse turn out to be extraordinary people. Assuming they have not cracked. Sort of like, if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger. Depends on your disposition. You had a somewhat strong on to begin with to tolerate it often, but it just becomes too much. So this idea that tolerance is usually product of low self esteem rather than love is often wrong. What does happen is that your self esteem is eroded in the relationship. So to me low self esteem is more the effect rather that the cause of involvement in an abusive relationship.
Another bright side. Abusive people self destruct often. When you have your chance to get away get away and stay away. They have affairs, walk out of relationships, but always want to maintain some tie to you to continue the control. That is when you have to stop feeling guily and steel yourself up to staying away. Get your head screwed on straight and say "I owe this person nothing" and do not expect appreciation but just more abuse. Get away and stay away. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 4/7/2005 3:20:50 AM |
We all know of abusive men. Well, here's a thread
looking at the other side of the issue. Abusive women
do exist. They can abuse members of either gender
through manipulation, emotional and/or physical abuse
and also sexual abuse. They can kill, as well.
Signs of an Abusive Woman : Puts you down. Has
a bad temper. Hurts you yet claims to love you. Drinks.
Has a history of abuse. Does drugs. Controls your movements.
Controls your finances. Puts one face (the pleasant one) in front
of guests and family members but returns to being her evil
self once they're gone. Can hide what she feels very well and
put on a mask of innocence. Hurts you but might try to comfort
you later and convince you that it was your fault and even though
you got hurt, YOU are the cause of it.
Other Signs : Slaps. Punches. Kicks. Threats. Verbal bashing.
Emotional bashing. Pretends to be your friend, yet hurts you.
Pretends to be doing all these things for your own good.
What you can do about it : Tell all your friends and other
family members. Keep a diary of what she does and keep the
diary hidden. Record (discreetly) her making threats or being
violent against someone and use it in court against her later.
Watch out for a violent woman in the kitchen. She has a whole
arsenal down there. Boiling water. Shoes. rolling pin. Kitchen knives.
ect.
What you should do : Save your money (discreetly) and
one day leave without anyone knowing where you went.
Go to the police and take a restraining order against her.
Be sure to convince the cops that SHE is a THREAT to
your life. Be VERY convincing. ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN
IS GOOD.
Living with an abusive woman : Stay in a room by yourself
and make sure there is something blocking the door at night.
Make sure that your wallet contains the necessities. Money.
Credit cards. Bus pass. ect and that your wallet never leaves you.
Also, your car keys never leave you. EVER. She may attack you
and you may have to leave quickly. If she dials 911, leave and
take the first bus out of town. Dont go to any friends that
she knows of. Spend the night in a motel.
Once you leave : Dont ever come back to her. Ever. Not for
kids. Not for bills. Not for family. Not for any reason. Your
LIFE is in constant danger around HER. She is a bomb waiting to
explode and the countdown already started. It doesnt matter
if she is your mother, daughter, girlfriend, aunt, grandmother,
sister, fiancee or lover. Just leave her and never return.
Learn that there are a lot of women like her or worse out
there and warn your fellow man about them.
Man I can relate to every word you said in this post. Gave me chills when I read this. Damn I need to wake up :( | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 4/7/2005 4:31:07 AM | Blackmanx, you hit it right on the head, pun intended. continue to do what you do no matter how much grief you experience from others. it's someone like you
who can bring about great change. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 4/7/2005 11:42:56 AM | Blackstorm I agrree I was in an abusive relationship. No one would listen to me. I was told I was lying, when I was telling the truth. They told me I was the bad an abusive one. then I met this wonderful lady who listened to me and believed me(exotic Dancer) she came right out and said "Its not YOUR FAULT" the one thing I needed to here to wake me up and realize that anything I would do would be wrong. So you can find help in mysterious places. She did better than any social worker/pshcolgist/pschcatrist that I had seen. She helped me more than anyone else. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/4/2005 7:49:40 AM | | Great article!!! You are right there are just as many female abusers as male ones. The scary thing is that in our society abused men are too embarrased or afraid to come forward. Nobody - man or woman should ever be subjected to abuse!! | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/31/2005 6:47:09 AM | My mother was an abusive female. She drove my father away. She also
messed up her boyfriend's life. She's gone now. I dont really miss her. My dad
and I are reconnecting after years of not seeing each other. We go fishing
and watch football together. | |
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Darma
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Joined: 5/16/2005
Msg: 99 | |
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/31/2005 8:50:47 AM | I read the abusive women signs listed, how does drinking equate to abuse?
Maybe a an excessive drinker with violent tendencies while intoxicated, but just to be a drinker? NAH. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/31/2005 9:57:20 AM | Every relationship starts with spiritual baggage and specific circumstances at both ends: his and hers.
Some relationships deteriorate fast, some slowly.
What matters (after the initial contact and novelty wear-off) is how the two handle compromises and whether the leadership role of one is continually eroded or nourished by the other.
We all know it's about give and take.
Why would somebody (man or woman) accept to be abused? To me the greatest abuse is for someone to ask for things he/she can't give, the abuse of own heart and mind. The abuse of others becomes automatic after that.
Right in this very moment you read this, there are tens upon tens of thousands of people (men and women) who are in the mad house or in jail because of how their relationship deteriorated. Life selects those who are bound to suffer and those who can manage themselves out of trouble.
I feel very sorry for those who paid a high price for their time on planet Earth.
Men and women equally have to watch out not only for signs when their counterpart starts abusing them but also when they feel the urge to abuse.
It all boils down to a choice of words and mind self-control. Sufferers pay the price and I just sit here posting this message. Who won? | |
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