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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/31/2005 8:12:52 PM | I'm very impressed, it seems that men are finally able to talk about being abused and relating it as a problem. Honestly I wish I had this advice a long time ago, luckily I have a strong family who helped me put my head back on.
I would just like to say to anyone that may be in a situation like this. Personally when I was in the situation I felt that I should stay in the relationship to help her, I saw that she needed help and my love or lust for her wouldn't just let her do it on her own. I became to realize that I couldn't help her without helping myself, and that meant get out of the situation. So if you think you can help her, and I'm sure it is possible, just be sure that its worth it. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 7/16/2005 6:14:09 PM | All I am Going to say about this issue Is I have read the posts and find that GeorgieLepard or what ever she calls herself writes freaking novels and womens issues and all she has to say with her " Skills" is can you pick a more upbeat topic.
GL Your a writer as I understand, but as far as Im concerned you are totally self serving even if you do have advice for every single thread.
"Frankly I think yer an idiot"
BAM | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 7/16/2005 7:42:03 PM | Found this while browsing.
http://www.hisside.com/
Interesting. Talks about all the "non-existant" problems men have to deal with.
Anyway, it's unfortunate that some people think no abuse exists at all. I read a statistic about abuse against men (could have been on this very site actually (as in POF)) that for every 7 women abused there are 6 men. Even me, a devout champion of men's rights [ignore the people who tell you that there is no need for such a thing, this thread is proof to the contrary] was surprised that it was that high.
The fact that there are still men out there that treat women so poorly is a constant surprise to me yet I know they exist. I've met (and in two cases, um...dealt with) them. That there are women who would not recognize their own behaviour as abusive is what really surprises me about this.
Too bad we can't just put them all together on an island somewhere and only those who can swim back get allowed back into society. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 7/16/2005 8:19:42 PM | I'd say for either sex if they are cruel to defenseless animals they should be kept well out of reach. This happened to me today, and I'm just fuming!
I live in a 12 unit, all ground level, apartment building, six units on each side. About two months ago a neighbor two doors down on my side got a husky/malimute/wolf puppy and began abusing it. He tied it on an eight foot leash to a tree, about 30 feet from his apartment door and would take it outside at all hours of the night and wee hours of the morning and leave it there to howl! Then to the horror of every other tenant on this side of the building, (this pup was only four weeks old at the time) he began dragging it by it's leash as it screamed and yelled for an hour at a time, and when his puppy wouldn't heel he yelled at it and kicked it.... I was getting ready to report him for animal cruelty when suddenly that pup was no longer around...
Three weeks after they got their pup I got my little Mia, a purebred Pomeranian puppy. She fit in the palm of my hand when I got her. She is now 9 weeks old and has a very weak heart. The vet says it will be a miracle if she lasts over three months. I put a prayer request in the "Religion" forum at that time for Mia.
Last night I was standing at my window just as dusk began to fall, watching Mia piddle on the lawn, on her 12 foot leash, when all of a sudden she begins to wag her tail furiously and comes back onto the sidewalk in front of my window. As I stood there watching, this animal abuser, stops right in front of my puppy, who is smaller than his foot, and he picks up his foot and slams it down right in front of her, landing partially on her paw! Mia of course yelps and screams and I go running out screaming, "My baby!" Whipped her into my arms, by then the assh.ole had gone inside his own apartment. I was so mad. It took over 15 minutes for Mia to stop shaking and put her wounded paw on the ground.
Tonight I let her outside again. I'm watching closely now. Suddenly, little bum wagging she walks quickly toward the apartment fence that seperates my apartment from the apartment next door. It's just a 10 foot fence that ends on the sidewalk, a divider in a sense. As I watch here comes the same man. His girlfriend is circling around out of Mia's reach, but he stops right in front of Mia and again slams his foot down right in front of her nose. She yelps and I run out again and bring her inside.
This time I write a letter to my neighbor telling him I saw both insidents and if it keeps occuring I'll have the humane society level charges of animal abuse against him. I stuck the note in his screen door and came home. Ten minutes later I see this couple walking back to their suite.
Five minutes later this ahole is at my patio door, swearing, making a fist and shaking it at me, my puppy is back outside, winding between his feet--tail wagging! This guy is screaming and yelling at me and he says, "If I want to I could kill your puppy with one stomp of my foot!" He then raises his foot, so his knee is paralell with his thigh, and slowly drops his foot. I keep saying go away as I'm also praying Please God, don't let him hurt Mia! She was out there and this guy was acting like a deranged lunitic. I was too scared to go and get her.
After ten minutes of not reponding to his swearing and threatening to harm my dog, and me simply telling him to "GO AWAY!" he walks away. I called the police, who then came, and of course the neighbor denies everything. He is now warned to stay away from my puppy and me. Of course I'm going to give him a wide birth as well.
Anyone who would do this is definitely, in my mind, someone to stay away from and could well be very abusive in other ways as well!
I'm so mad I could scream! | |
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Japhus
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Joined: 5/28/2005
Msg: 106 | |
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 7/16/2005 8:33:17 PM | Two lessons GL...
1. You should have called the SPCA when he was abusing his own dog.
2. Don't let your dog out of your sight for a second around that animal/neighbour of yours.
OT:
Abuse comes in many forms, mental, physical, sexual, what have you. Are there signs that identify all of them? No. But as GL's post above shows, actions can speak volumes. | |
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goofus
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Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 107 | |
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 7/16/2005 8:42:03 PM | 1 Signs
2 What abusive women can do & get away with.
3 Getting help
4 Props (Blackmanx & germanicus)
1 Signs:
The following is my humble offering based on personal experience.
1 A potential partner can hide her abusive nature very well, but look deeply in to the following for clues. Ask direct questions about her past relationships, & her family relationships. If she sees every man she's been with in the past few years as jerks who badly abused her, if she hit a guy for showing interest in him, if her friends told her that they thought she would never get married or serious w/ someone, if she accepts absolutely no responsability for her previous abusive relationships be very careful & give the relationship plenty of time (like a year at least). Contact this person's family and friends and ask them direct questions about her past relationships and her life-patterns. Does she get offended by this? Be careful. Are most of the people in her family abusive? Be very very careful. Another thing to look out for, if you are emotionally sensitive inwardly, stay far far away from a closed or hardened heart chakra. If you sense a closed heart chakra from a person, treat them like a lawyer or a theif. Also, be careful if they insist you do most of the talking, but when the person rarely speaks, its critical or irrationally hurtful, or if she takes irrational offense at things most people wouldnt w/out quickly explaining herself. Also, test her with how well she handles arguments/discussions about things that are emotionally tender with her. Does she insist/demand on continuing the discussion, even after she has become abusive & you have made it clear to her that you would like to continue the discussion only after you have both calmed down, or does she respect your rights?
Finally, that leads to the biggest fact, DOES SHE TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT? Real respect, as in the golden rule, respect.
Now if you dont treat her w/ respect, you cannot expect it in return & you have no business being in a relationship until you get yourself straightened out, but if you treat her with respect, and she blatantly does not return it, this is a very bad sign. | |
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goofus
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Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 109 | |
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 7/16/2005 8:59:49 PM | 2 What abusive women can do & get away with:
In particular, what they can get away with that men cannot.
Someone mentioned falsely crying rape. How about accusing someone of molesting their children? Women, in general, have much better skills at socially attacking, than men, as well as verbal. If she raises an all out social attack, she will try to convince your friends that you abused her and are a total jerk. She will, most likely, be successful with some. Then you will find out who your true friends are, and which ones have mental clarity, sound judgement, and spiritual insight. Some of your "friends" might even join her side & lie to other friends about you, or back her false allegations in court. Any one who has been through such an attack knows how evil and cruel, deeply cruel it is. The pain of having your "friends" turn on you, and lie about you, and join in on kicking you while you are down is unlike any I have ever experianced in my life. I pray none of you will ever have to go through it.
If a woman has been cohabitating with you for a while, in some states, you are automatically considered legally married & she is entitled to a portion of your properties and possibly child-support for her kids, or even spousal support/maintenance for the seperation. She could get a job & get paid under the table & collect money from you or threaten to do so.
If she's an immigrant & you are her husband/sponsor, you are completely screwed & will either have to pay a lot of lawyer's fees, or let her get away with virtual murder scotch free.
Women being very skillful with verbal manipulation and attack can constantly nag, nag & verbally knaw her way into a man's gut and eat him from the inside out like a ferotious lion, but torturously & slowly over time. She can have a man begging God to please end his life, please, he would rather be dead than live like this, please end his miserable existance, please let him die. She can have him screaming deeply inside into all creation, all existance, with all of his being in bitterness, and rage, unquenchable, unexpressable bitterness & rage, a primal yell, that when vocalized, doesnt sooth, but only makes the larynx sore. | |
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goofus
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Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 110 | |
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 7/16/2005 9:16:12 PM | 3 Getting help:
Go to your closest friends & family (your support network) and tell them everything. Find a wise and intelligent friend to mediate between you two. Have this friend insist that only the issues be discussed & possible solutions. Do not get involved in personal attacks. Do not let yourself be angered or offended. If someone starts getting offended & irrational, back off, point it out & demand the discussion be w/out emotion but just the facts are discussed. Insist on eye-contact, & no withdrawing. Let the moderator insist on these things, not the two involved. For more on this very powerful process, research "Baha'i consultation". Be prepared to make consessions or trade-offs. Try to seperate as friend, if possible, but if seperation is absolutely necissary, have no direct contact with the abuser unless through an intermediary volunteer friend.
Protect yourself. Before discussing things that could get heated, get an mp3-player, I recommend the i-river very highly, as it records very sensitively and for over a day on one battery, and record everything said. If she hits you, ask her why she hit you, or demand that she stop hitting you verbally & get it all recorded. If she blocks your only exit doorway and hits you when you try to escape and offers you a barrage of verbal attacks while you're trapped, grab her arm, & twist it around her back, turn her 180 degrees & exit. If things are that bad get out of the relationship somehow. Dont let it get to what I described earlier. Those wounds/scars run very deep, and hurt very painfully, for a very long time - constant pain, chronic pain, emotional pain, not the kind that is easily escaped or healed ina a week, even after intense & constant effort towards healing. This type of wound is worse than many deep physical wounds. Please dont let someone do that to you. You are created noble, and do not deserve such treatment & wounds. No amount of love & prayers can change someone who does not want to change. If she does not admit to having a problem, or blames the problem always on you and it's not you, you cannot help her. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 7/16/2005 9:25:13 PM | not necessarily. This last year I have been on 3 dates with men who were attacked by their wives. A cop whose wife stabbed him in the stomach and he pulled out the knife and went to the hospital and never told anyone she did it. Another guy whose wife chase him down the street with a knife and a guy whose girlfriend woke him up in the middle of the night by hitting him over the head with a frying pan and then stabbed him.
These men were ashamed to tell anyone so this is probably the tip of a big iceberg. | |
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goofus
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Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 112 | |
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 7/16/2005 9:29:47 PM | 3 Getting help (cont):
Getting laid does not make the pain go away. Forgiveness of yourself & her helps. Love helps. Focussing on God to the complete exclusion of her helps. Having no legal ties to her helps. Finding a good healer can help wonders. I found healing from someone who was extremely ill, in many ways, but somehow she was able to put her hand on my stomache and through prayer, remove a hurting I had tried for months to heal. I do not know how lasting it will be, but it's lasted days so far & I'm grateful, even though I recognize the need to distance myself from her, as I cannot help her & she is a danger to herself & others. I'm investigating EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique, a therapy for releasing past traumatic events that have caused anxiety, fear or hurt. There is a free e-book on it, & videos that can be purchased. I recommend it. The "Insight CD" is powerful, but didnt help this particular wound. There are many options, but I think forgiveness, real forgiveness, which is much easier said than done, can help a great deal, as well as taking personal responsability for yourself. Recognize patterns in your life. Do you continueally attract such people? If so, why? Do you have a lesson to learn? Have you learned it? My problem is that I'm extremely focussed, and when I love, I love extremely intensely. I smother my victims with love very deeply and intensely, and few are capable of handling such love & intimacy. I doubt there are many people capable of relating to me from where my heart has been & is, so I live a lonely existance, mostly, which is double sad because I yearn to express my love or self-destruct. (I know some of you can relate) It is my love that leads me to try to help abusers heal & grow, even when they are being abusive to me. It's a part of sacrifice & agape love, but there's a point when the mind and intellect need to take action over the heart for self-defense, and justice. | |
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goofus
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Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 113 | |
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 7/16/2005 9:33:27 PM | 4 Props to Blackmanx & Germanicus
It's amazing how the jealous fling their insults when greatness rises. Props to Blackmanx for raising awareness, and not lowering himself to their level.
Props to Germanicus for his insightful comments as well. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 7/16/2005 9:51:01 PM | It's quite obvious that in many facets the law is massively favored to women, and most people haven't came to the realization that men can get abused too and it doesn't make them any weaker of a human being when it happens. I do believe that it's incredibly limiting to say that "well, men and women have their reasons for doing things, including staying in an abusive relationship and we shouldn't be judgmental and question the reasoning fo those reasons." Being in an abusive relationship is clearly not a healthy endeavor and as such we as a society need to become aware of what the reasons are for why abuse happens, so those that are getting abused can become educated about their situation and can make a more educated decision on whether to stay or leave.
There's also been people in this thread that have questioned the attitude of the thread creator and I don't get it... is it better to be ignorant and happy for the opposite sex then to be truthful? | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 7/17/2005 1:04:05 PM | | Some signs of abusive women is they like to start fights for no reason. Like to play people off of each other. Lie to everyone including themselves. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 7/17/2005 1:31:00 PM |
Blackmanx, I looked at your profile and you are a big, strapping young man. I seriously doubt that a woman abused you.
Okay but think of it this way : If she crack-a-lacks him one in the noggin with a frying pan so hard he forgets the piano lessons and he turns around and puts her teeth through the back of her throat, who do you think is going to wind up in the slammer? C'mon, we both know that in a perfect world, or at least a just one, she would go to jail and he would probably be sentenced to community service since he would have been defending himself and have been ruled by his anger at the time. But in the world we actually live in, what's more likely is that when the cops show up, since somebody HAS to go to jail, and statistically speaking, it's far more likely that it's going to be him. Apply that to everyday life now. She sends her heaviest copy of the Celestine Prophecy sailing at his head, connects and leaves him with page 42 imprinted on his ear. And if he retaliates ? Wife abuser.
He's been conditioned to not retaliate like MOST men. Some do and they lose themselves in it. Usually they go to jail. But the point is that you can't say that just because he's a big strong guy he couldn't have been abused. If some other guy had hit him what do you think would be the result? Right, somebody would be getting a beat down. He can't do that to a woman though (and he shouldn't either for that matter) because if he does, he's misogynistic wife abuser. See the problem? | |
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rdtail
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Joined: 6/10/2005
Msg: 117 | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 7/17/2005 6:49:42 PM | Well, based on my own experience.
She talks negatively about everyone behind their back, all the time, including her family and best friends. This means she is probably doing the same with you.
She says negative things in public , about you, including in front of her family.
Positive comments normally revolve around material objects, even in regards to her family. ( shows lack of emotional depth , and concentration on the material.)
Positive comments regarding her career, and her success, are frequently brought up. These sometimes come out of context, and not when expected.
I have seen all those, and they are all on the list now to be monitored in any new relationship. | |
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goofus
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Joined: 12/15/2004
Msg: 121 | |
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 7/17/2005 7:04:44 PM | Great post Montreal guy! I've noticed that too. Far too much emphasis on material possessions, apearances, putting on airs so that she looks better than everyone else. Another is obsessing over trivial material things to the point of putting more priority on her frivilous spending than on her survival when survival is truly an issue for her.
I feel that its much more helpful for everyone to focus on their own faults & overlook the faults of others. This helps to enable a person to overcome their issues & faults. However, when looking for a spouse/mate, one has to be judgemental and look closely into the character of the person they may spend the rest of their life with.
My mom suggested I quit internet dating. She's probably right, it's just so difficult to meet people these days of cars & bars. I'd love to move to Canada where all the great ladies on this site are mostly from. Canada sure knows how to make em. I'm hooked. Any suggestions on where to go? Some place not too cold in the winters. Few mosquitos. Plenty of coffee shops w/ a friendly, loving, open atmosphere where singles can meet & interact easily?
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joe46
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Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 122 | |
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 7/18/2005 2:56:54 PM | Abusive women only abuse weak,needy,clingy and no back-bone men.
Abusive men only only abuse low self-esteem and needy women.
Real men and women don't allow any form of abusiveness.
If a man or woman is abusing in a relationship. Then u are allowing it to happen,and u the only one that can stop it. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 7/21/2005 11:52:51 AM | abusive women are more mentally abusive then physically for the obvious reasons. A girl that picks fight for you by hitting on other men is a waste of time and needs to be kicked to the curb.
I have a buddy of mine whos in an abusive relationship but he wont listen to me cause hes pvssy-whipped by her. I try and tell him whats oh so obvious about the horror stories he tells me but he won't leave her. Some people just need to find out for themselves if the sex is worth all the trouble it brings with it. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 7/21/2005 11:56:59 AM | I appreciate this thread. There are very few places for abused males to turn to. I had the horror experience from h*ll that I want to relate to you.
I was living in an abusive relationship, and when I turned to the ciris shelter, they turned me down because I was a male. To add insult to injury, my ex tried to use my past as a survivor to make me fall apart. She went to the same shelter that turned me down...and they did everything in their power to destroy me. They arranged for her to get a lawyer, a restraining order, and temporary full custody, gave her free room and board, and coached her on whatever it took.
Despite all this, I was prepared. It took a judge 15 minutes to throw out the restraining order and give me joint custody of the children. The shelter did no follow up and there were no consequences toward my ex for the false allegations. Seeing as how it is extremely rare for a woman to accuse falsely in these situations, I think it behooves these shelters to follow up each individual case. All it takes is one or two false allegations to entirely ruin the reputation of these places...places that are very much needed and do an exceptional service for each and every community they serve.
Having said all of this, its a shame that these places don't offer services for men, or can't at least direct them to other supports. I know some do. But for the ones who don't, they themselves become guilty of abuse, neglect, and prejudice. "He's a male. He can pull himself up by the bootstraps. He's probably lying. He's a man so shouldn't be believed."
Although these things are not said outright, they may as well be.
I always assumed that no one would believe me. I still do. But, at least now, with some of the help I've received I understand that this is a feeling that is common amongst survivors. I refuse to play the role of victim. Her true colors are coming out with no help from me. All I have to do is nothing but be a good dad. The rest will play my way in the end. | |
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