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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/27/2006 7:16:21 AM | I wonder what would it be like to start a group for men, and to build a shelter jsut for them. with the exact same princaples that the woans shelter has.. I wonder if then..the community would wake up.....
I believe that one such shelter is being built in Philidelphiea but it's the only one in the USA. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/27/2006 7:21:02 AM | left her took my baby girl with me,got a restraining order,issued a warrant on her and ran like hell
Vascox
Oh dear! You have stirred up the cynic in me. Was she the mother of your baby girl?? Between abuses did she tell you how much she loved you? And, has she tried to get her daughter back??
If she can't love her own daughter enough to BOTH fight and clean up her act, to get her daughter back well then Vascox. She doesn't love her daughter and she sure doesn't love you. She's not capable of love. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/27/2006 7:32:09 AM | mind keeps going blank to discribe what it is feels like being in this type of relationship,
       you are correct on how they hide it though, now hope you don't mind but my chest herts and I feel like throuwing up | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/27/2006 7:38:43 AM | I wonder if the women's shelters ever consider that the women who enter the shelter looking for a sanctuary actually might be either inventing or solely responsible for the drama in their lives? My guess is that they have this scenario covered with their counseling techniques--they don't automatically assume that these women are necessarily victims, but perhaps they are chemically imbalanced, alcoholics, addicts, or just mentally deficient.
Still, I wouldn't downplay the importance of these shelters. They do provide a valuable community resource. Anyone who was or is an abused victim truly has my sympathy. These shelters might actually be helping abusers as much as they are helping victims. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/27/2006 7:39:39 AM | In marriages, daughters are the primary target of abusive mothers. No one talks about this problem. It is a huge one.
No one?? I'll talk about it Germanicus
And I'll start the talking by wholeheartedly disagreeing with you.
I've been discussing this matter with several groups and they have all said that their research has found in the case of DIVORCED women (They havent researced abusive marriages) that, not only are the boys more likely to be abused, but the more the boys resemble thier fathers the more that they are likely to be abused. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/27/2006 7:53:00 AM | I wonder if the women's shelters ever consider that the women who enter the shelter looking for a sanctuary actually might be either inventing or solely responsible for the drama in their lives?
Bike Man
It's been well recorded since the 1970s when Authour Erin Pizzey opened Britan first womens shelter and wrote her book Working with Violent Women.
Here's just a touch of the contents
Working with Violent Women
Pulling aside the blanket of silence on a taboo subject.
by Erin Pizzey
Copyright © 1997 by Erin Pizzey
Those of us working in the field of domestic violence are confronted daily by the difficult task of working with women in problematical families. In my work with family violence, I have come to recognize that there are women involved in emotionally and/or physically violent relationships who express and enact disturbance beyond the expected (and acceptable) scope of distress. Such individuals, spurred on by deep feelings of vengefulness, vindictiveness, and animosity, behave in a manner that is singularly destructive; destructive to themselves as well as to some or all of the other family members, making an already bad family situation worse. These women I have found it useful to describe as "family terrorists."
In my experience, men also are capable of behaving as family terrorists but male violence tends to be more physical and explosive. We have had thousands of international studies about male violence but there is very little about why or how women are violent. There seems to be a blanket of silence over the huge figures of violence expressed by women. Because family terrorism is a tactic largely used by women and my work in the domestic violence field is largely with women, I address this problem discussing only my work with women.
Whose moods set the tone?
The potential for terrorism may rest dormant for many years, emerging in its full might only under certain circumstances. I found that in many cases it is the dissolution, or threatened dissolution, of the family that calls to the fore the terrorist’s destructiveness. It is essential to understand that prior to dissolution, the potential terrorist plays a role in the family that is by no means passive. The terrorist is the family member whose moods reign supreme in the family, whose whims and actions determine the emotional climate of the household. In this setting, the terrorist could be described as the family tyrant, for within the family, this individual maintains the control and power over the other members' emotions.
The family well may be characterized as violent, incestuous, dysfunctional, and unhappy, but it is the terrorist or tyrant who is primarily responsible for initiating conflict, imposing histrionic outbursts upon otherwise calm situations, or (more subtly and invisibly) quietly manipulating other family members into uproar through guilt, cunning taunts, and barely perceptive provocations. ( The quiet manipulative terrorist usually is the most undetected terrorist. Through the subtle creation of perpetual turmoil, this terrorist may virtually drive other family members to alcoholism, to drug-addiction, to explosive behavior, to suicide. The other family members, therefore, are often misperceived as the "family problem" and the hidden terrorist as the saintly woman who "puts up with it all.")
While the family remains together, however miserable that "togetherness" might be, the terrorist maintains her power. However, it is often the separation of the family that promises to rend the terrorist's domain and consequently to lessen the power. Family dissolution, therefore, often is the time when the terrorist feels most threatened and most alone, and because dangerous.
Household Hitler?
In this position of fear, the family terrorist sets out to achieve a specific goal. There are many possible goals for the terrorist, including: reuniting the family once again, or ensuring that the children (if there are children in the relationship) remain under the terrorist's control, or actively destroying the terrorist's spouse (or ex-spouse) emotionally, physically, and financially. When it was evident to Adolph Hitler that winning the War as an absolute impossibility, he ordered his remaining troops to destroy Berlin: If he no longer could rule, then he felt it best for his empire to share in his own personal destruction. Similarly, the family terrorist, losing or having lost supremacy, may endeavor to bring about the ruin (and, in some extreme cases, the death) of other family members.
The family terrorist, like the political terrorist, is motivated by the pursuit of a goal. In attempting to "disarm" the family terrorist, it is vital that the practitioner begin intervention by trying to recognize and understand the terrorist’s goal.
The source of the terrorist's goal as in the case of the political terrorist, usually can be understood to spring from some "legitimate" grievance. The grievance's legitimacy may be regarded in terms of justified feeling of outrage in response to an actual injustice or injury, or the legitimacy may exist solely in the mind of the terrorist. Whether this legitimacy be real or imagined, the grievance starts as the impetus for the terrorist's motivation. One hallmark of an emotional terrorist is that this motivation tends to be obsessional by nature.
Whence this obsession? Why this overwhelmingly powerful drive? In many cases, that which the terrorist believes to be the grievance against the spouse actually has very little to do with the spouse. Although the terrorist may be consciously aware only of the spouse's alleged offense, the pain of this offense (real or imagined) is invariably an echo of the past, a mirrored recreation of some painful situation in the terrorist's childhood.
I will not describe here in any detail the types of childhood that tend to create the subsequent terrorist. I will say, however, that invariably the terrorist's childhood, once understood, can be seen as violent (emotionally and/or physically). Also invariably, the terrorist can be regarded as a "violence prone" individual. I define a violence prone woman as a woman who while complaining that she is the innocent victim of the malice and aggression of all other relationships in her life, is in fact, a victim of her own violence and aggression. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/27/2006 7:59:04 AM | 1. You should have called the SPCA when he was abusing his own dog.
Japus
You stir up the cynic in me again.
More money is pumped into the prevention of abuse of animals than into the abuse of husbands. Pathetic! | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/27/2006 8:09:05 AM | These men were ashamed to tell anyone so this is probably the tip of a big iceberg.
Squirrel
Present estimates arre that its aboout the same sized iceberg as battered wives.
Same estimates are that for every genuine battered wife there is another one who is lying through her teeth to the cops and another two to ten who never report the abuse.
And the same estimates are starting to come up for battered husbands, including those husbands that are not abused but lie to the cops about it. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/27/2006 8:17:58 AM | If she crack-a-lacks him one in the noggin with a frying pan so hard he forgets the piano lessons and he turns around and puts her teeth through the back of her throat, who do you think is going to wind up in the slammer?
Gotapulse
This is my damned one upmanship again but I can't resist removing your "if".
The following isn't your hypothetical. It's true.
She had him cornered in the kitchen at knifepoint and was screaming at him full blast, "cmon ya gutless barstard, hit me, ya haven't got the balls". And he was already bleeding in a couple of places from a few minor wounds already. She went him again and he lifted a foot and SHOVED her away. She promplty called the police demanding that he be charged with wife bashing.
The police actually took a more level headed approach than they are reputed to. They noted his injuries and noted that she didn't have a scratch. They refused to press charges but offered to take her to the neareast shelter. She refused to go with them. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/27/2006 8:25:13 AM | joe 46 you are so wrong. You forget love is blind sometimes and it takes a hard knock to wake your mind uo sometimes.
Rocky
If, and only if, you are up to talking about it do you remember what paticular hard knock woke you up.???
My hard knock wasn't a knock at all . It was that damn TV presenter Catronia Rowntree advising "Treat your man like you treat your dog" | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/27/2006 8:51:18 AM | I once tried to neuter a man with my bare hands. The police photos were interesting.
This "Man" had broken into an elderly neighbors home and was in the process of raping her. I had stopped over to visit and heard her screaming...he back handed me and was banging my head against the wall. I was on my butt and seeing stars all I could think was grab his balls the head banging stopped he started howling ...when the police arrived I still had him firmly in hand. He got three months jail time I got neck problems for life.
While I do believe some men are abused by women
I believe it's a rare occurrence
and I would tell them what I would tell any woman
get the hell out of the situation and don't look back!
I once thought there was no excuse for violence but I now believe there are circumstances that warrant it. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/27/2006 9:20:07 AM | Indigo rose.
You and your girlfriends get off your high horses. Get your noses out of the air.
And show us your scars!
Yes I do know that blood doesn't have to flow for abuse to occur. I don't give a damn.
The first thing to be thrown out the window in both wife and husband bashings is the truth.
But scars do not lie. Show us your scars.
That won't even indicate 1% of the total numbers. But it will give a first class comparison of battered wives vs battered husbands.
Enough with the preaching. Show us your scars. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/27/2006 9:25:39 AM | Indigo Rose
Here's an interesting one to stir up your brain cells.
What do you say now when some ignorant girlfriend starts trying to tell you that porn causes rape.?
Or some guy tries to tell you that girls wearing sexy clothing are asking for it.?
Your elderley neighbour had the sex appeal and complexion of a dried apricot but this piece of s/t still went after her. The crime was a violent one not a sexual one. The gutless scum targeted her, not because she looked sexy, but because she looked defenceless.
I'm surprised he only got three months. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/27/2006 9:29:46 AM | my chest herts and I feel like throuwing up
Haylspa
This is the classic abuser cycle
The couple I mentioned in that knife attack were like this.
Abuse, fight, police, she would clear out, he would ring an apologise, (yes he would ring) they would make up, and she would start abusing him over nothing again.
The cycle broke the day he simply didn't ring her back. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/27/2006 9:34:30 AM | alrighty then here you go!
An overwhelming majority of domestic violence victims in heterosexual relationships are women.
90 - 95% of domestic violence victims are women.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Selected Findings: Violence Between Intimates (NCJ-149259),
as many as 95% of domestic violence perpetrators are male.
A Report of the Violence against Women Research Strategic Planning Workshop sponsored by the National Institute of Justice in cooperation with the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
much of female violence is committed in self-defense, and inflicts less injury than male violence.
Chalk & King, eds., Violence in Families: Assessing Prevention & Treatment Programs, National Resource Council and Institute of Medicine
women were 6 times more likely to experience violence by an intimate partner than men.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Redesigned Survey (NCJ-154348) the chance of being victimized by an intimate is 10 times greater for a woman than a man.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: National Crime Victimization Survey, Violence Against Women
70% of intimate homicide victims are female.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Selected Findings: Violence Between Intimates (NCJ-149259), November 1994.
male perpetrators are 4 times more likely to use lethal violence than females.
Florida Governor's Task Force on Domestic and Sexual Violence, Florida Mortality Review
Project
Okay I'm off my high horse and I stand behind what I said in the earlier post if your in a violent relationship MALE or FEMALE GET OUT!
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/27/2006 9:36:13 AM | The problem here is there isn't a level playing field. Its very tilted to one side. I know I have seen freinds go to jail just for arguing with they're better half.
Wayne
Gotta both agree and disagree here. Six weeks ago I would have agreed wholeheartedly but I've been talking to a few guys who have made a fight of it through the courts. And, as they have gone they have foudn that men have rights too.
Some of the tilted playing field is tilted. Some is bluff. It is worth notifying the authourities if you are a batttered husband. Try to talk to the most senior cop in the place. They have been around'.
Just don't expect them to blindly believe you . Battered wives lie to them and so do battered husbands. But they will normally give you a fair hearing. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/27/2006 9:45:30 AM | | I just don't think that anyone, male or female has the right to hit, slap, punch or even verbally abuse anyone else. Whether it be their S/O, their child or a parent!!! Why can' we all just get along?!! I know what it's like to be abused...and yeah, I have many scars, most mental, but they are still there. But I know it can be done by either sex, I just don't think guys come out and talk as much about it... | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/27/2006 10:44:29 PM | Good suff Rose . Now we can get into really chewing it over.
90 - 95% of domestic violence victims are women.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Selected Findings: Violence Between Intimates (NCJ-149259),
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Most of these findings come from courts and criminology departments at universities. They havent got the facilites to all conduct their own independet research.
No problem with that but the problem occurrs with the research methods. Even today there are several universities who do not list husband bashing on their data bases. Just domestic violence which lists all abuse, (including child abuse) as wife bashing.
The other source of information is the courts. The normally add one more number to the wife bash figures every time a husband is CHARGED with wife bashing. Not every time he's convicted. No other method of data collection does this.
Now that's a flawed method of data collection and analisis for starters.
It doesn't include the large number of battered wives and the much larger number of battered husbands who are too embarrassed, upset, and isolated to talk about it.
as many as 95% of domestic violence perpetrators are male.
A Report of the Violence against Women Research Strategic Planning Workshop sponsored by the National Institute of Justice in cooperation with the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
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See above!
much of female violence is committed in self-defense, and inflicts less injury than male violence.
Chalk & King, eds., Violence in Families: Assessing Prevention & Treatment Programs, National Resource Council and Institute of Medicine
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ALL of the female violence against men is CLAIMED to be in self defense. Do you think that a husband basher is going to just up and confess any more than a wife basher.
women were 6 times more likely to experience violence by an intimate partner than men.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Redesigned Survey (NCJ-154348) the chance of being victimized by an intimate is 10 times greater for a woman than a man.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: National Crime Victimization Survey, Violence Against Women
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See number one.
70% of intimate homicide victims are female.
Bureau of Justice Statistics Selected Findings: Violence Between Intimates (NCJ-149259), November 1994.
male perpetrators are 4 times more likely to use lethal violence than females.
Florida Governor's Task Force on Domestic and Sexual Violence, Florida Mortality Review
Project
===========================
This ones really got me interested because every data base I've read on husband bashing lists wife bashers as more likely to use their fists and husband bashers as morre likely to use weapons.
And men as more likely to use non lethal force and women as more likely to use lethal force.
Okay I'm off my high horse and I stand behind what I said in the earlier post if your in a violent relationship MALE or FEMALE GET OUT!
At the end of this little debarcle/debate there are only TWO things that I can tell you for sure.
1/ I don't know a damn thing about the numbers, battered wives or battered husbands, except that NONE of them are accurratte.
2/ Husband bashing remains the only form of domestic violence which still remains socially acceptable. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/28/2006 10:12:53 AM | | entirely off topic....since there is supposed to be some kind of rule about only making 2 posts in the last 10....how did sparticuss manage to post 6 posts in a row??? *enquiring minds need to know* | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/29/2006 1:48:50 AM | I have no idea Squirell.
I was on a roll as I have several friends who are members of DIDs. Dads in Distress and they have a wealth of information on the issue.
But normally after the second post some automatic funciton pops up and says to wait till somebody else has taken a turn.
Thats got me puzzled too. | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/29/2006 7:55:05 AM | lmao@any man who allows a woman to abuse him. I picture some poor helpless man balled up in the fetal position in a corner crying. hahaha!
I dunno if I should say men do more abuse than women....usually they do, I think so anyways. All I ever hear about are the men doing the vast majority of abuse, and usually it's physical/emotional. If you're one of the few men who doesnt abuse a woman, be thankful! | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/29/2006 8:13:53 AM | If you find the right woman, you won't have to worry about any type of abuse period. The problem with abuse, is that people keep running into other people who just aren't compatible enough for them. Better yet, allow me to rephrase this situation, sometimes certain kinds of abuse occurs in a relationship weither you have the right one for you or not. But if it weren't for that abuse, the relationship you and that person have wouldn't grow stronger at all. The wrong things are going to be said, feelings are going to be hurt, hopefully though fists don't fly at eachother. Just learn to work your problems out with eachother, and things flow by fine!
On the other hand, if you're with someone who litrally beats you, makes you feel like the lowest human on the planet, and theres no helping the situation then please, LEAVE! | |
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| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/30/2006 6:36:01 PM | The wrong things are going to be said, feelings are going to be hurt, hopefully though fists don't fly at eachother. Just learn to work your problems out with eachother, and things flow by fine!
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Poptart
Are you talking about abused men, abused women, or both.?
What do you think would happen if a battered wife came on to this board and I told her.
"It's still you fault. Just learn to work your problems out with eachother, and things flow by fine!"
I think the board would explode with outradge.
Womens shelter manager and sometime Feminist writer Erin Pizzey used the right words when she described BOTH wife and husband bashers as "emotional terrorists"
You never negotiate with terrorists. It makes terrorism viable and increases it. And you also never negotiate with emotional terrorists for the same reason. | |
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