| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/30/2006 7:23:57 PM | I was in an abusive relationship at one point.
Emotionally and physically.
She'd hit me for many reasons. Usually just because she had a bad day at work.
Or she just didn't like something I did.
But the worst of it was the things she said... the things she drilled into my head...
Making me doubt my self worth. Making me believe that I didn't deserve any better.
She was always so cruel, until it seemed like I was going to leave... at which point she became the sweetest woman in the world. And did everything to apologize.
It took a lot of work from friends and loved ones to help get me out of there. | |
|
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/30/2006 7:31:19 PM | | Sad to say...been there done that...I don't want to take that from anyone...I deserve better and not just me, but everyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyone who knows me says so. Don't accept it...that is a deal breaker. | |
|
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/31/2006 2:40:24 AM | It took a lot of work from friends and loved ones to help get me out of there.
=================================
Adam
You are one lucky man. You had the friends and loved ones. You had the support.
Most abused men have few fiends and NO OFFICAL help whatsoever.
I've shared flats with several guys like this. Sometimes/often all you can really do is just be there.
I was surprised at how useful this really was the day the cops turned up to arrrest my flatmate for stalking his ex. At exactly the same time that him, me and da boise were watching the Grand Prix on TV. Talk about an alibi.
The ex was trying to use the cops as a private goon squad to harras him..
It's a double whammy becaise there are two reasons guys don't talk about thsi abuse. Firstly because they are too upset and embarassed. Secondly because they havent been abused.
Take your pick. | |
|
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/31/2006 2:42:51 AM | BTW ADam (Don't answer this unless you are up to it.)
After you left for good.
After she rang you back apologising and promising you everything
After you told her no
After she finally realised that you rreally were gone for good.
What did she do then???????????????
(This is curiosity of the most morbid variety) | |
|
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/31/2006 2:45:26 AM | Hey; if she has the temerity to call you up and try to confuse you; tell her to F off.
Tell her/him that you have moved on (that always sounds nice and dignified).
IMO; someone who abuses you automatically loses your respect!! Automatically...
No question.
| |
|
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/31/2006 3:17:26 AM | | Couldn't agree more Pam but most abusers of both genders do ring back, initially aly apologetic and then trasferring, in a split second, to abusive, when they reasise that their punching bag is gone for good. | |
|
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/31/2006 7:52:37 AM | ...wow....awesome to find this thread...all you posters out there who actually have
something relevant to this topic...cheers, thanx for being here...
...it doesn't matter which side of the fence you're on....violence is a cancer that attacks
at the very spirit of a person....it is wrong, cowardly and unhelpful.... not to mention
the lasting damage it does to your self-esteem.....and as that sinks lower....the incentive
to escape fades because you already feel like a piece of shit....and they tell you that
you'll never amount to anything, who's going to want someone like you?....and all the little
putdowns that serve to crush your spirit into the dirt.....
....that's a bad place folks, i have to say it's mighty dark down here.....
keep on with your posting, yeah? bye... | |
|
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/31/2006 11:58:50 AM | I found this thread just by chance....and let me tell you...I have lived through unspeakable abuse. My dear wife was in fact trying to kill me by means of giving me a heart attack by stressing me out and keeping me stressed to the max all the time. Motive for all this... I did not know this till close to half a year after my divorce...but for most of my marriage I had a price tag on my head...that price tag was a 400,000 buck life insureance that she took out on me without me even knowning about it. This was on top the other 300,000 one we both took out. The 400,000 buck one was being paid from a hidden account that I never knew about. It took a divorce and half a year for me to find out when a bill came out to me for this as she had stopped paying for it a few months after the divorce. If she would have called them and cancel it....I would never have known. I was used and abused in unspeakable ways so much so that at one point I was so far gone that I could not think sanly any more and was even thinking that I will just eat some hot lead....enough thing...just stop the pain.
Men are in the eyes of the courts unhurtable...can be used and abused and much more and its just fine.... Men and there life is seen and treated as worthless in most part...you will find this out when you ask for help as you are at the end of your rope.....whay do you get? A kick in the ass and told to be a man and not a whimp. In a manor of speaking it is like a form of rape or the worst kind. I was married for over 15 years and ony stayed married so my child would have a family and a mother and father and not be yet another child from a broken home....for this and this only did I endure all this abuse. There was times I was scared to go home as I knew what would be awaiting me as soon as I stepped foot in the door.
 | |
|
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/31/2006 1:11:47 PM | I was married for seven long years to an abusive woman, and I stayed mainly because of my two sons. I basically had to hide from her at times to keep from becoming violent myself, which would make her the winner of the fight somehow. I am a Peace seeker, and don't believe in violence, but staying with a violent wife for the sake of children can test any ones sanity to the point of living in Hell. It was a major test of my patience, and I'm proud to say I never Hit her, but I sure as hell wanted too!
Her favorite words: "I'll kill ya in your sleep M/F"... "A good a.ss whuping never hurt anybody"
She finally left me for a umm.. friend of mine, and I kinda miss him.. .. The Peace and quite was astounding and my paranoia was freaky! I kept looking over my shoulder expecting a Tornado to appear. I did get totally custody of my Boys in a jury court by her antics and actions during the trial, and I've raised them with help from my family.
She came from a Loud, violent family, and I did not, so it was a miss-match from the start. She has been married three times since and I've seen her with many black eyes from those Dudes, She also has been to jail twice for drugs as recent as last year.
She didn't seem that way when I met her, but she was the manipulative type and knew the game very well. I am definitely gun-shy about Women sometimes, and I'm admittedly not very astute about reading minds.. Bad memories can overshadow optimism at times, and I stay clear of Women who exhibit my ex's traits.
I know there are some kind Ladies out there who have their own horrors that pale mine in comparison, and I hope they can heal theirs also... | |
|
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/31/2006 2:53:19 PM | While I have never been in an abusive relationship per se, I have had one experience worth contributing. Several years ago I dated a young lady with some problems. She would sometimes have panic attacks and isolate herself to a bedroom or some such place at seemingly random times. I was then expected to come talk to her after a short time. Well one time I went to comfort her, walk in the bedroom door, and she threw a can of potpourri at my head, causing me great discomfort. The reason? She had some sneaking suspicion that I would become abusive toward her. This was her way of "testing" me. I passed the test, but never received an apology. Of course she found a different reason to dump me soon after.
We are still friends to this day, but she gets her own self out of the funks she gets into now. | |
|
| |
| |
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/31/2006 4:43:51 PM | ...wherever i may go....
It seems to follow me around, do i like give off some kind of scent, you think?
Or is it just that you get so beaten down emotionally that people with the propensity
toward violence can recognise me as a victim? I am SO not a victim!
Well, as i'm getting over a real bad incident at the moment, and i'm still here....?
Maybe i AM..... i just want to crawl under a bush somewhere and never come back out.
it sux because you can feel 'i made the bed....now i must lie in it'....especially when it
comes to family and friends..... easier to avoid them after lying to them again....
....the threats are the hardest to handle for me... this is a small city relatively, and
i am too ashamed to approach any of my old friend....they think i'm shit, cos i'm never
allowed to call them or have them over... "i'll f**king kill you if i see you using the phone"
...The hardest part of his behaviour is the psychotic outbursts.... very very frightening,
it's like he goes from sweet and loving to paranoid homicidal without any warning... there's
like a switch that turns his eyes BLACK.... the first time it happened i was just in disbelief....
what the hell was happeneing? why??? i offered to make him a cup of tea after he'd calmed
somewhat, but he screamed at me i'd try to poison him....??? WTF??? i wouldn't hurt a fly
let alone think of poisoning a person, for fukksakes.... so he dragged me to the kitchen on
my knees, shoved my head into the oven door and screamed "CLEAN!!!" ....
Well, apologies, flowers, promises followed.... for a few days.... then he freaked again,
this time with a sawn off shotgun....... apparently he wished me to learn how to intimidate
someone..... yes, it is very scary...... and i lost control of my bladder..... which made him
go.."see!? SEE!!? IT WORKED!! " and laugh... AT me....followed by 2 broken ribs for..????
...The odd thing is that i'm usually really strong, but there's a huge part of me gone AWOL
emotionally, that is....i'm a shell now, but building up reserves and strength for the cut....
THANX POSTERS.... i'll let you know..... | |
|
| |
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/31/2006 8:35:25 PM | kiwi-gold:
"he dragged me to the kitchen on my knees, shoved my head into the oven door and screamed "CLEAN!!!" ....
Well, apologies, flowers, promises followed.... for a few days.... then he freaked again,
this time with a sawn off shotgun....... apparently he wished me to learn how to intimidate
someone..... yes, it is very scary...... and i lost control of my bladder..... which made him
go.."see!? SEE!!? IT WORKED!! " and laugh... AT me....followed by 2 broken ribs for..????
...The odd thing is that i'm usually really strong, but there's a huge part of me gone AWOL
emotionally, that is....i'm a shell now, but building up reserves and strength for the cut....
I've seen the eyes change to darkness, and I will say you live with a demon as if he is possessed.. This example makes me believe in a pure Evil that can enter into people, and I would prefer to never wittness it again..
Get away as fast as you can.. Forget your clothes, keep your life.. | |
|
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/31/2006 8:45:12 PM | I am glad to hear somebody sticking up for the other side of a sad story.I had a relationship with an abuser and knew I couldn't defend myself as she was a little over one hundred pounds and I am over 270lbs and built.Like that one guy said,pick up one day and stay gone.Just like women who get abused,men must fight for their lives at times and God knows the police won't be there to help you,especially if you are a guy.
You've been helpful,thank you. | |
|
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 5/31/2006 11:51:17 PM | Country Slim: hey bro...thanks for the serious note...i wish the cops had been as helpful as you today...
i went to see them today and i left with the distinct impression that they were laughing at/looking down on me
so it's good to hear back from someone who takes things more seriously....they're not prepared to do anything
about the threats he has made against my family....he has a lot of 'connected' mates.... it's a small place, Auckland.....and right now i feel that there is no place left for this wounded soldier.... my 2 broken ribs have
put new restrictions on my movements....and he is SO much more dangerous than the cops can imagine...
...it's one thing for me to deal with personal injury and quite another to have to live with the fact that my
actions result in harm or death to my other family members... even if i survive the break how can i live with
the knowledge that my selfish choice may kill my loved ones? I really have to scoot...need to cool down the hard drive so he doesn't know i've been on the computer...and cook tea or there will be hassles later.
...went to meet a lady from the local shelter this arvo too...i guess it's up to me....
..do i think i'm really worth the bother though?
helen | |
|
| |
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/1/2006 5:18:00 AM | i hope you have a son...that is a "wussy" I can tell by the wordsyou chose that you are such a stud muffin...who probably beats his lady....gee were do i sign up ....life is too short..to pass judgement until you or your son...or maybe even bi daughter is abused | |
|
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/1/2006 6:51:02 AM | at 43 i can honestly say every woman i have ever known has been abusive.
so i took anger managment, just so i can't spot the signs quickly.
my advice buy a video cam, because no one wants to believe it.
as tolstoy said " women are a necessary evil that should be avoided as often as possible" | |
|
| |
choey
|
Joined: 3/14/2006
Msg: 222 | |
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/1/2006 7:05:15 AM | many of us who grew up in abusive homes, involved with and around abusive people, gravitate to the same types for the remainder of our lives, or until we want to settle into the more boring "normal".
exposing ourselves to those who are abusive, in some cases is our safe place, believe it or not.
in my case, i've found myself in relationships with emotionally abusive people because that's how i was raised and even though i know it's not normal, it was what i was accustom to living with on a daily basis....so it was a subconscious selection. meanwhile i do realize there are a lot of very kind people out there, men and women alike.
course, i'm a woman and my father was the abuser. and so i lived what i learned.
meanwhile, i became a caretaker, and tried to protect the rest of my family (mainly my siblings) from the abuse. it's made me an overly giving person (something i have to work on too).
just my two cents | |
|
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/1/2006 9:39:54 PM | My dear wife was in fact trying to kill me by means of giving me a heart attack by stressing me out and keeping me stressed to the max all the time. Motive for all this...
======================================
Oh my god! Oh me oh my
Thats not the way to give you a heart attack. The way is to say she likes her men a little fatter than normal and ot over feed you on saturated fats and heaps of salt. And keep you comfortable in front of the TV all the time. | |
|
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/2/2006 12:05:09 AM |
i hope you have a son...that is a "wussy" I can tell by the wordsyou chose that you are such a stud muffin...who probably beats his lady....gee were do i sign up ....life is too short..to pass judgement until you or your son...or maybe even bi daughter is abused
Hey, there's an abuser now! Very nice, 1sttime. You remind me that some people should be alone.
Oh my god! Oh me oh my Thats not the way to give you a heart attack. The way is to say she likes her men a little fatter than normal and ot over feed you on saturated fats and heaps of salt. And keep you comfortable in front of the TV all the time.
And 1st prize for laughing at someone's story of a difficult time goes to: sparticuss! How nice.
I had an abusive girlfriend about 17 years ago, and in hindsight she fit the pattern described in the original post here. Then about 6 years ago I met a girl that grabbed my attention with her intellect, and we clicked at first... then her games began. Binge drinking, temper tantrums over nothing, trying to make me conform to her idea of what "all guys" are like... She was a nightmare. She even hit me a few times. Sure, no big deal physically, but it still hurts emotionally. Makes you wonder what you did wrong even when you know you did nothing wrong. We were together for less than a year, and it got worse every month, but it was still hard to dump her. It's weird and kinda scary how that can be, how the mind can be bent out of shape by someone else like that. I even had the silly idea for a while that I was going to be the knight in shining armour who rescues her from her dark life and shows her a brighter world. A hard lesson but I'll never forget it: you can't change someone; only they can change themselves. And they have to want to change, and be able to change. You can NOT help them do it, but only encourage and support them if they do decide to do it. She had a nasty childhood and is seriously damaged, and will go on hurting herself and others for the rest of her sad life. I felt sorry for her, but had to realize that it's not my fault, not my responsibility to save her, and I can't feel bad about knowing she's still messed up.
She even stalked me for a while, showing up by "mere coincidence" at my favourite pub (that she wouldn't otherwise go to), and act all sweet and ask to sit with my friends and me. And show up at my door and beg and plead to come in "just for ten minutes" because she needs to talk to me and "it's important." At 2:00 AM on a weeknight. And she'd use her skills as a lawyer to try to paint me into a corner and trick me into admitting that I was wrong to dump her. And fly into a rage when it didn't work (fortunately I'm bright enough to follow her arguments and defeat them using her own logic). This happened about four times, including once when she wanted to talk to me about the fight she got into with her date at his company Christmas party. And one time, after a couple hours of defending myself verbally and trying verbally to get her leave, when I'm dead tired and have to work in the morning (but can't sleep thanks to the stress and adrenaline), I lost my patience and told her in no uncertain terms to leave. No effect. Escalation... now I'm raising my voice back at her, telling to get out... threatening to call the cops... then shouting at her to get the **** out of my house NOW... she's still digging at me... finally I'm escorting her to the door. Physically. I pushed her out, closed the door, locked it, unplugged the phone, and tried to relax enough to sleep (took a while).
And yeah, now I'm turned off by women who remind me of her, sometimes even if it's something as meaningless as hair style.
And here's something else I've learned: not to relate the story of the psycho lawyer on a date. On two occasions on dates, the conversation turned to troublesome exes, and I told the story of the psycho lawyer. Both times, my date sided with me right up until the part where I physically throw her out of my house. Then suddenly I'm the bad guy, I'm a monster, I'm abusive! All the explaining that "that's not me, I'm not physical, it made me feel sick" has no effect. But that's how triggers work. Both dates had been abused before, and once they got an image of me being violent, they associated me with their abuser and I became scary. Game over. So guys (and girls, I guess), be careful: be careful of abusive women (or men), and be careful how you relate your experiences. I'm not saying you should lie about the things you've done! But be aware of how the mind makes associations and be careful about how you might make yourself look. I guess it's the same as my reaction to women that look like the psycho, even though I know they're not her. It's just the way the mind works.
Has anyone had similar experiences or reactions? | |
|
| Abusive Women : Signs to watch out for
Posted: 6/2/2006 3:20:52 AM | Alright i'm going to go out on the limb here and say abuse of a man by a woman is alot less traumatic then the other way around. Simply because a man is physically stronger and can easily overpower a female attacker unless she is holding a weapon of some sort.
If i'm missing the obvisious i apologize.
================================
You are missing the obvious X Chuck. But, as youve already apologised I accept your apology and give you an explanation.
In BOTH wife and husband bashings it isn't strength thats bieng abused. It's something far more serious. It's love. The victim loves the abuser too much to hit back. | |
|
Home
login 
