| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 8/16/2006 2:34:22 PM | actually my attitude is just fine Ty ally
i was pointing out the simple fact that is very sad that there are waaaay too many single families out there.I prayed every single goddam day for my ex to come to councelling. You cannot change the unchangeable, they must do it on thier own. To push creates tension...then resentment and hate. a person must find the value in his family and my ex had an impossible time finding it and refused for me to guide him to it.
It took him a few yrs to realize his mistakes. He told me his regrets but it was too late...my heart was crushed and the trust was gone and too many yr had passed.
I councelled hundreds of ppl through the most heart wrenching experiences and it made me realize the only ppl you can change is yourself...if ppl want to give up so be it..
THATS THE PROBLEM...ppl give up and are not willing to try to work it out...it takes 2 to make a marriage work..i didnt have the strenght for both of us... | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 8/16/2006 3:30:46 PM | ...it takes 2 to make a marriage work..i didnt have the strenght for both of us...
Amen! I tried for years...he didn't want it until I got the strenght to get out and he realized he was losing his main means of support! Hine sight being 20/20, I should have gotten back in my car and turned around the day he and his mother met my son and me in Mississippi for spring break. That was the day, nine years before I filed for divorce, that he told me "The only reason why you're allowed to be here is because you have my son." Can't blame ME for not trying to work it out!! | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 8/16/2006 3:39:23 PM | ^^^^^^ and you didnt smack him?? wow.....when i found out my ex had introduced some hootchie to my children after 2 days ( and was hiding her out at his parents while they were in hawaii and lied about it right to my face ) you bet i smacked his head.
I could not resist....just a little one....it flet reealaallllyy good. Surpised the hell outta him...   | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 8/16/2006 3:51:25 PM | Superone47:
Additionally, child support payments are supposed to be used for the child. If mom uses any of that money for something other than the direct care of the child, she is taking away from that child.
I agree with your statement in principle. Yes money should be used for supporting a child. However the case comes up then, what is considered for the child. And what is not. If the CP takes the money and spends it on stuff like Hydro, Gas, Rent, common bills... Does that mean it is not spent on the child? Or does that mean the money has gone to help support the child by means of providing for them?
I've heard NCP's complain that they give CS to the NCP, just to watch the NCP then take it and go party one night. But what they seem to fail to realize is that say you pay your CS on the 15th of every month. All the bills for their household could of been paid on say the 10 or something. So in essence the NCP has fronted the money that should of been there to pay the bill at the time of paying.
As far as I'm concerned as long as the Child is cared for with the money... Properly. Fed, Housed.. ext... who cares if CP uses the money directly towards that. Or pays for it on their own and then uses the money that the NCP gives them for other things. Either way the important stuff is taken care of.
Many people here are also making the point that the father just up and left. That's not always the case. More times than not, the woman wants custody to hurt the father and make him pay. If I am willing to pay for my child, why shouldn't I have custody?
Now to this I would have to comment, why not file for Joint Custody, and simply work out a way of simply getting rid of paying CS altogether. As far as I'm concerned half the stories I've read on here are truely only side of it.
People can say till the cows come home that their Ex left them high and dry... Are ***holes.. whatever they want. But one thing I notice alot in here is that no one is really willing to take responsibilty for their actions in the whole thing.
Remember no one forced you to have a child with this person. I don't recall having any say in the matter. It was all your choices to have children with these Men/Women. One of the things I see alot of CP's who's ex "seems" to want nothing to do with their children, quantify the problem by taking steps to make it harder for the EX to infact be with their children.
The CP gets mad because the NCP is now living with somone new, and doesn't want the child exposed to this other person. Or they hold alot of resentment towards the ex for whatever they may of done to them... And they then take steps by missing Visitation times.. Or not answering phone calls to arrange times... whatever..
But after this process goes on for a little bit, the CP starts calling the NCP a Dead Beat because they don't see their kids... and in effort to do nothing more then simply get your attention on the matter, withhold CS.
How you interpret a situation is dependant on what side of the fence you sit on. You say tom(mae)to I say tom(aw)to. | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 8/16/2006 5:01:04 PM | Sorry Spiderham....accept appology....wasnt necessarily referring to comments you alone made...you just always hear that moms should have thought...etc...hmmmm foresight right lol...AND YES in TEXAS you can choose to sign away your parental rights and in so doing you are no longer held responsible for child support or anything else. Aint that a rip?
And after re-reading your comments....OK I AGREE....there are some women who purposely become pregnant to trap the man...so again aceept my appology. | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 8/16/2006 5:37:00 PM | Jus2_shy:
Texas eh? Are you sure that accurate? I'm not trying to say your wrong, just makes no sense to me. Simply due to the number of CS cases out there. I can't see the system giving an NCP an out as simple as that.
I could see if the child was being put for adoption, or if the courts order the parental rights being taken away due to saftey of the child... But not simply by the NCP's choice. That would in essence give me the ability to have as many children as I wanted with as many different women as I wanted, and be responsible for none, just by saying nope I don't want to.
And especially in a state like Texas, where they still have the Death Penality. And show no signs of ever giving it up. not trying to call the people of Texas backwards or anything. Just to break from the norm of the rest of country, and become a trend setter with such a law, doesn't strike me as a Texas Thing. | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 8/16/2006 5:47:28 PM | | How about letting the NCP get his support lowered by standing there lying to the judge after months of not paying? Texas also has this thing of "visiting judges" handling CS cases, judges who aren't familiar with the case at all. The one I got didn't even read the mediation agreement, the child support agreement, or anything...just let him whine about how he wasn't making the same money he was making when he agreed to pay that (he really wasn't making the same; he was making more), lowered what he has to pay for insurance, lowered what he has to pay on the past due support, and sent us on our way. Now they have a warrant out for his arrest, but not because he hasn't paid in the last six months (again) but because he violated his probation by not reporting to his PO. I asked them what would happen if he was working when they arrested him (he quit his job six months ago), and was told that he'd still go to jail, which means no support for my son again! Texas does have some screwed up laws!! | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 8/17/2006 11:31:48 AM | | hello who cares what choises us single pairents made . yes mabey not the best but whats done is done . just cause u park ur car in a bad part of town doesnt make it ok to break in to it . if i was punished for my bad choises then fine but im not my children are. | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 8/17/2006 4:59:36 PM | Talk about a hot button issue.
My ex due to medical reasons is not capable of paying support, so I haven't personally crossed this bridge as yet, however I feel I must weigh in. In a lot of cases (most that I have seen) The children are used as pawns, either by the CP by witholding access, or the NCP witholding support. Its time everyone wake up and realize they are playing with the parents / leaders of the future. Stop using them as weapons / tools in your battle with the ex. Now if the ex is dangerous, or abusive etc. and the Family (ya right!) Court system is too blind to see it, then by all means keep the kids away regardless of what the judge has to say. But for the love of Pete, children need two parents, Daddy is always a hero, and Mommy a Princess no matter what either of them did to each other to result in a breakup. The kids love both of you. Stop abusing them by warping thier view of either parent. Step parents can and often do play a roll stronger than either biological parent.
To the deadbeats out there. You are hurting your children, might be missing meals, or wearing the same old clothes, or maybe its just the CP is completely frazzled and worn out taking care of both of your responsibilities and needs a night on the town... on NCP's tab. Regardless, Pay what your ordered to pay, or suffer the consequences of your children doing without.
To the CP's Keep up the good fight, resist the urge to hurt the a**hole / b**ch by using your kids. Remember that your children love both of you... no matter what you think of the ex. In the end, your kids will remember how strong you were for not fighting through them. Be the better person and set the right example. | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 8/17/2006 7:45:20 PM | me n my three I agree....do not use children as pawns. No matter what my ex did, I would not tolerate anyone saying anything bad about my ex in front of my children or they were not welcomed around. As a teacher I have seen so many children caught in the middle and was bound and determined not to let that happen to mine. I always encouraged my children that they could talk about how they felt about the whole situation. I made sure they understood no matter what, where ever we were, if he wished to speak with his father or see him I would take him there or get him there. My son was very young at the time we split and still very impressionable. He took me up on that offer about six months after we divorced. We had moved to Arizona and ex was still in Texas. My son asked to see his father when we came back to visit. I called up the ex and told him his son would like to speak to him. He said ok. I gave the phone to my son who preceded to ask his father if he would have lunch with him. "I will pay daddy, I earned money and it's my treat. I missed you and I just wanna see you" his exact words. He then started to cry, passed the phone back to me where my ex asked me what the hell I was upto. I explained his son just missed him and I would drop him off where ever he wanted and leave then return to pick him up, ex would not have to see me at all. (of course I would only have driven across the street in full view of door). He said he did not have any kids and hung up. | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 8/17/2006 7:47:24 PM | Yes Spiderham, Texas.
I told the Judge that isnt fair your honour my son is disabled. Ex started whinning saying he was trying for disability and wouldnt have the money to pay anyway. (he is currently making 12.00 an hour). Judge said it wasnt up to me so keep quiet.
If I could afford it, I would take it back to court. | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 8/18/2006 8:12:27 PM | Jus2_shy
Okay I'm not sure how much you were asking for in Support... but at 12 per hour full time hours of 40 per week... Do a little number crunching. Thats roughly 1900 a month before taxes. After taxes that works out to a little more then 1500 a month he is actually taking home.
Now if you include stuff like his Rent... His Food... Bills... Ext... doesn't leave him with alot of extra cash.. probably in the range of about 300 a month. And with that there may be extras he has to pay for himself... Like Medicine if he gets sick... Clothing he might need for work.. Heck new boots for work depending on what he does..
I am not trying to say he shouldn't pay support.. But at the same token the guy isn't rolling in the dough here. I used to make 12 per hour. Trust me it doesn't go that far...
I feel for your situation.. but sometimes I think people have gotta look on the other side of the equation here. | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 8/18/2006 9:12:35 PM | | My ex was making $12 an hour when I settled for about half of what he should have had to pay by Texas law...he's still not paying a dime. I'm suppose to get his income tax return for my son, but there's no way of proving he actually filed until it shows up as "pending" on my account with the AG's office. He may have filed and it went to him by mistake, for that matter, and you can bet he won't own up to it and send it to me on behalf of his son!! But, I've just tried to keep quiet about it, and just tell my son that there are some things I can't afford right now. | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 8/18/2006 9:41:25 PM | | I am going through the exact same thing. My ex went to alberta and is living with an older woman who used to babysit me when I was a kid. His family here is hiding him out and I have been the one to bring my daughter around so she can build a relationship with that side. Now I have seen their true colors and they make rude and ignorant comments to and about my 3 yr old. I went to school to take nursing and have been providing for me and my child but am still trying to get child support. His partner in Calgary is hiding him out, when they went to serve him, she claimed he was evicted. I think she should be charged as well for purgery. Everyone on his side tells me to "let go" and live my life. But I still am trying for support and will until the day I die cause Its my daughter's right. As the only parent I have to advocate and protect her the best way I know how. He has never sent a xmas or birthday present, (she just turned 3) and her last birthday, not one person on his side phoned or gave her a present. I have opted to have them out of our lives at this point and now I am considered the "****" because I won't take anymore of their bulls#%t. Where do i start and sign to pass this Law? | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 8/18/2006 9:52:40 PM | | I hear u, my ex is in calgary living with my old babysitter from when I was a kid. I tried to have him served and she kept saying he's been evicted and the courts sent all the pprwrk back to Manitoba saying they don't have enough info to contact him. I have decided to cut down on the amount of contact with his family cause they are hiding him out and have no devotion to my daughter. for that I am considered in the wrong. well what the hell, I am both mother and father and breadwinner for this child and u have the gall to criticize me for doing my job the best i can. some day the system will catch up with him. until then I just keep all the pprwork and when my girl is old enough I will show her how hard i tried to get him to be responsible towards her. | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 8/22/2006 6:58:50 PM | Your right Spiderham,
Looking at the other side of the equation, he lives with Mom and Dad whom of which pays for everything. I wouldnt be that callous to anyone. I just think he should make and effort. All of the money he earns goes into a savings account. Buying his kid shoes once in awhile would be a big deal. | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 8/22/2006 7:05:23 PM | just2_shy:
Okay maybe I came off wrong in that... Wasn't trying to discredit you.. and saying your wrong for asking for support.. or anything like that. I don't know your whole situation for 2 reasons.. 1 Don't know you... and 2 I don't know him...
For all I know he is living at home with Mom and dad, but is having to care for them... That could be taking some of his income. I'm not trying to defend him... But at the same point in time I don't beleive in just supporting someone else without knowing all the facts.
By looking at the other side of the equation... I am also refering to many other cases similar to yours... exepct the NCP lives on their own.. and has their own bills to pay.. 12 an hour isn't a whole lot of money... | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 8/22/2006 9:34:59 PM | I didn't press charges against my youngest son's dad for nonsupport payments. I kept hoping he'd come around to spend time with our son if I left it alone. It didn't work. I hold it against him, he committed suicide in 2004. The man really had his own problems. I have trouble understanding it, and curse him for checking out instead of helping me with the boy, but will never say he was a bad father. He was a good father when he was in our son's life.
I was making do before his dad died and the lack of support didn't hurt too much. I would have rather have had a father for my son than the support money. | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 9/5/2006 4:03:36 PM | | I can say an "AMEN" to that. My X and I metunder the cloud that she was this Jesus-loving responsible Mom. Turns out it was soooooo not that way. She turned out to be nothing short of a White Trash Welfare Whore. We had 3 kids together and they are nothing to her but weapons and paychecks. I live in Kentucky and sadly enough they dont seem to care what she does. But, i have to pay support so she can drop the kids off at my door unannouned and take vacations and do her nails, etc.....Am I perfect??? No, but I dont go to her house and just drop off the kids and spend their money. I had our oldest child living with me from 10/05 until 8/31/06. She gave him up and then to spite me, took him back. I have filed custody for him, but I dont feel good about my chances of winning now that she took him back behind my back. Some women need to have their vaginas stapled. I am a litle bit behind in my support but I always see my kids. She calls me a deadbeat cuz im behind but I dont agree. Men who father kids and disappear are deadbeats. Likewise for women. Thank You! | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 9/6/2006 6:42:34 AM | | I agree with your idea. I had a deadbeat Mom and she got nothing except what she wanted-she lost rights to me-THANK GOD FOR MY DAD!! ne way ANYBODY that dont want the responsibility for their children should be held accountable in some way form or fashion. I say sock it to em and let them have their way after justice has been done. Thats what would be best for the child anyway | |
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mmp79
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Joined: 5/23/2006
Msg: 221 | |
| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 9/8/2006 8:37:41 PM | | WOW you hit the nail right on the head. its sad,my sons donor left me when i was 6 months pregnant for another woman. he never came to the hospital when he was born and only seen him twice when he was 2 months old because i was serving him court papers. he never attended the court date but he had signed the statement of live birth which i brought with me.the judge granted me 175 a month with 7% interest. it went to the family responsibility office which has done nothing for the past 6 years. they told me unless i provide them with all information on him ie-address,#, and sin# that they couldnt do anything.i provided them with an address when my son was about 2 yrs old and all they did was send him warning papers and mentioned they never followed up because they couldnt validate he was living there(was his brothers house).i got a letter about 2 yrs after that asking my permission for advance collections (9 different agencies)to go after him which i eagerly signed. after all these yrs i still havent seen a penny. and he has never seen his son or tried to. i have tried to contact him a few times and he refuses.they did however suspend his drivers license in 2004.i recently provided them with more information. he has been working legally for the past 4 yrs that i know of(recent information) and yet nothing. what does a mother need to do to get the support she needs. our system is a joke and im tired of struggling to support my son who was created by 2 people (obviously lol) not 1. in certain states in the US they imprison dead beats but here in canada its a joke.THEY SHOULD DO TIME! im soooooooooooooo angry.now that ive shared something too personal lol im sure theres many out there that can relate to my story. its a shame | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 9/9/2006 1:17:04 AM | | well i dont mean to chime in so late in this dicussion....butthe issues of support is a hot topic for me....i have a 4yr old son and and i have primary physical custody... for i have 4-5 days a week and she has him only 2 days a week.......but the problem with child support is the system can be one sided......and i afriad to say the one sided aspect is mostly in favor of the mothers......now dont get me wrong.....there are dead beat dads out there...but we sometimes fail to admit,,,,,that the mothers may act like they are innocent ....but they use the child as apawn as well...especailly if they were left for less then speakable reasons...i have my son more then my ex..i pay all medical..which is about 150 a month$...all pre-school.......395$$$$.....as well as child support of 340$$$$$.......ADD THAT UP!!!!!! now couple that iwthmy normal bills to put a roof over myself and my sons head.......but every time i go to court for some lame issue she comes up with...which usally means SHE WANTS MORE MONEY.......i am treated as if i am a dead beat father.......that is awful since iam a major part of my kids life........some state are pro women.......so i am a bit shy when i read about all the nasty fathers out there...when lets face it....the mothers are just as bad.....its too MUCH OF A STEREO TYPE!!!!!!MOST CHILD SUPPORT ISSUES HAVE TO DO WITH GAINING MORE $$$$$$FROM THE FATHER.......ITS REALLY SAD..BECAUSE A GOOD FATHER CAN BE WRAPED INTO THE MESS AND CHILD SUPPORT CAN MAKE IT SO HARD TO SUPPORT ONES OWN SELF....i pay above and beyond..what i ahve to pay...because thats my boy...and i neverwant him to need for anything...but i never see the fruits of that money in respects to my kid........some child support is never spent on the child...and some mothers ....wont let the father in the picture..they go fight for full custody.....and get mad when the guy resents it and does not pay child support....COME ON...WHO WANTS TO PAY WHEN YOU CAN T SEE YOUR CHILD........ PLEASE LETS BE FAIR...NOT ALL DADS ARE AWFUL...AND NOT ALL MOTHERS ARE GREAT......THE EPIDEMIC...CAN GO BOTH WAYS.......TOO MUCH BOO=HOO WHINEING.....WHEN ITS THE KIDS THAT ARE HURT........ | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 9/9/2006 3:25:41 AM | mexi,
You are definitely getting the raw end of the deal! If my ex only did half of what you do for your son, things would be better. All he does is talk sports with him on the phone. The one time he came out to get him so they could spend time on the road together, he was so hung over that he didn't even make it all the way! I had to take our son to him, and it took him an extra day of that time to get over the "headache" so they could have any time together. | |
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dim777
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Joined: 8/28/2006
Msg: 224 | |
| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 9/9/2006 4:37:05 PM | Well, just a note on this topic-I can personally tell you that the state of New Jersey seems to allows a man to get out of child support for as long as he wants to! My daughter's father owes me over 5 thousand dollars (!) and I'm lucky if I can get a court date, for which I have to wait two months for! They have an 800# set up for people with child support cases, but each time you call, you get completely different information from the rep. They speak to you like you're a piece of garbage, and provide conflicting stories on the status of your case.It's the grossest thing I've ever seen. No one there cares enough to help me and it's a lot of money to me.
It would be nice of someone in charge genuinely gave a damn! And he should've gotten hauled off to jail a long time ago! | |
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| What to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic!
Posted: 9/11/2006 10:50:01 PM | A sticky topic indeed! Well...I am not sure what the best answer is to the question of what to do about the dead-beat dad eppidemic...perhaps harsher penalties for those who do not take care of their responsibilites. But then again, not each case is the same...I get angry and frustrated when I see single mothers recieving their support and demanding more and continue to put their paying spouces down all the time. I silently think to myself..."if only you knew what it is like never to recieve any, then you would not be so greeedy"...And the government should not be responsible to raise the children...it is ours, as parents. If one parent is carrying the entire burden, then yes, there should be harsher penalties set for those who do not step up to the plate.
I for one, have been divorced 11yrs, raised both my kids by myself, on my own, he chose not to be in their lives, just washed his hands of his children. My kids are in their early teens now...I work 2 jobs...my only saving grace is that I moved close to my family so my mother has helped in raising them while I am not home, but out carving a living for us. But I had no choice, I have responsibilities, and have to be responsible...that is what a parent does. It has been and still is no bed of roses...but it is what it is...and we make the best of it. But why and how he still get away with it after all these years is beyond me....things need to change. | |
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