|
|
|
|
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 8:08:40 PM |
angelheart, dont be niave . you dont have to be a man to know a man is by far much stronger than a woman and does not need help to protect himself from a woman. if a man cant handle a woman than he is beyond weak.
Kittenshere... There isn't a doubt in my mind that you know very well that there are many women who are physically stronger than many men. And you also know that there are men who will be very compassionate when they see that their female partner is mentally ill.
I had one client I doubt I will ever forget. He was a tall, good-natured guy who had spent 21 years of his life with a total nutbar. He had taken her to every therapist, psychologist and specialist he could find to try to find some way to get her to stop swiping at him and being so damned ugly with him. When his son attained his majority and moved out, he also picked up his duffel bag and moved out. He filed for divorce and asked for nothing. On his birthday, thinking his son was at the door, he opened it and she rushed at him with her long acrylic fingernails. She gouged him up so badly while he attempted to restrain her. She ripped one of his eyebrows off with those nails of hers and tore strips of skin from his arms and back.
This was only one of her several attacks and she was not above trying to make it look like whatever injury she incurred was his doing. She had taken a run at him previously. When he stepped back to avoid her nails, she couldn't stop her momentum and ran off the top step of the basement stairs. She broke her leg and tried to have him charged with abuse.
This was no "weak" man... He had the psychological strength of Hercules to endure what he had been through with that woman and her nutbar family!
For you to make these comments about men who seek protection being weak is for you to be judging ALL situations by one.. your own. Stop and think. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 8:48:19 PM | you know what ........it is not black and white and it is not because your attracted to the bad boys, it is a slow, insidious, and well calculated process.... and you dont know your in it until you cant get out of it. It happens to men and women alike. They not only isolate you from family and friends, but they turn your children against you, they give you just enough money - minus a few dollars... so you cant leave and if you try to leave they will kill you or they threaten whom ever helped you get out or escape. They will tell you things like "til death due us part", "I love you to death" and " I can never be with anyone else." In the beginning you think these are terms of endearment, but in the end these are terroristic threats.
If you think it is that easy to leave then you have never been in a relationship like this, it is not easy to leave and they are not easy to survive, and when you finally escape and you try to get a restraining order they judge wants them in court with you and then denies you a restraining order. When you finally escape you have no family left and no friends anymore because this not something the rest of the "normal" population can comprehend. Also, alot of time the abuse is so much and for so long that you black out and forget, so you keep going back, think it was not that bad, until one of children threatens to make your life miserable if you go back.
If your friends are in this situation, they will have to escape and when they are ready to open their eyes and accept what is happening to them will never change as long as they are with them. It is up to them to leave and to know that there is somewhere safe for them to go, where he/she cant get to them. It took me 7 years to have the courage to finally stop going back to him, and to go to a domestic violence support group and not be afraid that he would found out and not to be afraid to process all that I had forgotten. I am starting to remember and it is what is keeping my children and I safe.
They are not easy to spot, they blend in very well in the outside world and they only show there fangs to ones they love. I know one thing that can help young people spot early warning signs, and that is learning appropriate boundaries. Alanon websites have good info on it or Codependency websites will list what appropriate boundaries are in relationships. Melody Beattie is a good author about this ....."co dependency no more". "The art of saying No". Also learning about borderline personality disorders and antisocial personality, histrionic, nacasistic, and addiction disorders.... Alot of reading but that is what the web is good for.
Also, trust me he is out there and all of you who think you know what they are and look like, good luck. I know them a little, and that is only because the hairs on the back of my neck stand up... But like the poster a few posts up says, I cant spend the rest of my life hiding out and being afraid all the time, and I need to show my babies that there are normal people out there. So I am hopefull I will eventual meet one, and if not...so be it. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 10:31:32 PM | well ms angelheart, why dont u go fight a man and if ur still alive come back and tell me who won. until then u really have nothing further to add. at your age of 52 you should be wiser than u appear to be. by the way make it with somene ur age so the figth is fair.
The Thread is “Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?” NOT Friday Night Fights with the other OP’s. Perhaps’s Kitty-cat is showing too much aggressive behavior in her choice of words and the combative nature in her tone tells me that this Kitty likes to scratch. Obviously, Kitty came from an abusive relationship for six years, so only one determination can be made from that - As Shakespeare once said
“ The choices you make in life; dictate the life you lead”. Your tone makes me wonder, “Who really was the victim in your relationship Kitty?” Otherwise, in all your years of abuse, you could offer a little more advice for fellow victims than picking verbal judo bouts with other writers. As far as age difference goes, I expect more wisdom and better grammar usage in posting from someone who is over 40. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/21/2008 2:06:51 AM | well ms angelheart, why dont u go fight a man and if ur still alive you just come back and tell me who won ok.
I did actually and am a documented "Jane Doe" medical miracle as well as a teaching case in the very hospital that treated me in 1985. There is no medical explanation as to how I even survived the night - none, even today. I died twice actually in the first two days.
I assure you I am very much alive and anyone who has met me since would never know unless I shared that information with that person. As for the man who believed he could kill me so he could spend the rest of his life with our daughter? He still exists but I assure you his mind is quite dead by virtue of his own substance abuse. He's been emotionally and mentally dead for two decades. Has lived on public assistance for nearly two decades and lost the ability to even know what day it is. He merely exists yet I live. So don't have the audacity to assume you know what you are talking about - you're well out of your league here.
For the record, he is 6'5" and I am 5'4". He only directly physically assaulted me twice our entire marriage. The second time, I stood on my toes and looked him spot on in his eyes and told him if he ever laid a hand on me again like that, I'd kill him. I didn't yell it, I stated it calmly and softly to be sure he got the message. I was 21 years old at that time. He changed his modus operandi to pointing a loaded .357 Magnum at my head while he thought I was sleeping. When I fled with my 4 year-old and a tote bag filled with her clothes, he had already changed his modus operandi to tampering with my vehicle. The same vehicle I used to transport our daughter in day after day. Police could do nothing about the tampering as his name was on the title as well as mine. He could do anything he wanted to those vehicles (we had 4 at the time) as they were his property too.
The one morning I didn't check my car (at that point titled only in my name) over, I never made it to my destination. Before I ever reached the ER after being extricated from my car, he was already in front of a judge on an emergency petition for custody. When I by some miracle made it through multiple surgeries and 16 blood transfusions, my family and my employer were informed that I would not make it through the night. The next morning, my ex used his salvage contacts to conveniently dispose of my vehicle while I lay in ICU fighting for my life with no memory, no cognitive awareness of anything and even died a second time that day. It was a week before I even remembered a face and by then, the police previously unaware of any tampering that had been on-going for a year and a half, could not examine my vehicle so he was never charged. Neither driver was charged either for the MVA. To put it into focus - an MVA that was the equivalent of hitting a brick wall at 90 MPH.
It should go without saying - I won. Every year since then, I celebrate my second "birthday" on 2/20. Not too many people survive this kind of encounter with a diagnosed sociopath who has crossed over into criminal behavior. It's a worthwhile celebration every year to me.
As for strength? It's a matter of perception. My last husband who was a former corrections officer had me restrained in a choke hold to prevent me from leaving the campground with my younger daughter as I was sick of his verbal abuse in front of my child. He was 5'10" and certainly technically physically more muscular than I was. Yet I still broke through his restraint, having never had any formal defensive training myself.
Any other questions? Your projection of your own bitterness and subjective as well as demeaning judgments of people you assume are weak serves no good purpose - least of all for yourself. Whatever your experiences were represent your journey and no one else's but yours. If you can't handle the fact that your ex was able to overpower you, then get some professional help - or don't.
In either case, it's long past time you quit your man bashing. If you want to bash anyone, then bash the man who abused you. The rest of the men, regardless of their personal experiences, are not your abuser.
May we now get back to the thread topic? Which, by the way, is not about which gender is stronger but why some women stay in abusive relationships. That the thread topic expanded to some of the men posting their own experiences is in fact relative as abuse is not a gender issue. | |
|
| |
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:17:51 AM | Thank you, icey43. It's not about applause though, as you know from your own personal experience.
It's about somewhere inside yourself finding the brass to say NO MORE and act on taking your life back. It's about pushing through those shackles of fear by whatever motivation the individual being abused finds to grab onto - that motivator is the life preserver to grab onto that keeps the abused from drowning. It's about focusing forward and not looking at what might be approaching behind you. The empowerment in that last statement is that by focusing forward one can see the doors that open to freedom.
The best revenge, IMO, is to be successful.
It's an "in your face" to the abuser. Never a need to carry all that baggage of judgment, anger and projection on to others. Sure there's anger - nothing wrong with being angry, but plenty wrong when it's used destructively. Anger can also be used productively, as a fuel to light the fire of determination under one's backside towards the life they want to have, rather than remaining powerlessly enslaved by wishing he/she could have the life they want.
Far better to lose one's life than to spend one more second let alone months or years getting sucked into someone else's sickness that sucks the very life we think we are saving by staying, only to find out we have chosen a slow and tortuous death by staying.
Coltonic: Very astute observation in your statement:
“Who really was the victim in your relationship Kitty?”
Her projection in the thread alone speaks for itself. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:29:20 AM | | well angleheart my point is proven. you ended up in hospital becuase men are stronger than women. thank u for your story. I am not bashing the good men here only the ones who say they would hit a woman. when you think about it maybe you were hit one time to many in the head. otherwise you woud not be defending men who hit women. something is wrong there. and yes you may continue with the subject op started. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:35:52 AM | | My father verbally abused me on a daily basis, hence I have gone from one abuser to another all my life and didn't even know it. You are totally unaware, took me years to realise this, as it is a cycle. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:49:26 AM |
Coltonic: Very astute observation in your statement:
Why, thank you Ms. Angelheart. 
Her projection in the thread alone speaks for itself.
I called it, as I perceived it. The aggressive tone, the quick misspelled words, and the immediate replies provoking dispute with no thought of consideration of the opinions of the previous post are a dead give away. 
It should go without saying - I won. Every year since then, I celebrate my second "birthday" on 2/20. Not too many people survive this kind of encounter with a diagnosed sociopath who has crossed over into criminal behavior. It's a worthwhile celebration every year to me.
Angelheart, you are a winner, a survivor, and I salute you! | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/21/2008 11:01:10 AM | Angelheart, I applaud you for saving yourself and your daughter, I know how incredibly hard it is.
Where I got my strength from to not go back was lying on the bed in the motel where I was hiding out with my kids. Broke, no job, no where to turn and wondering if I should just go back to him, b/c what was I doing to my children. Every night at the hotel the police were there, I found a hypodermic needle in the couch.
My then six year old daughter came and snuggled against me and said, "It's okay Mommy daddy can't hurt you anymore."
That was what I needed to know I would never ever go back and my children would not grow up thinking this was normal.
My son would not grow up to abuse woman and my daughter would not grow up and end up in abusive relationships b/c that is what she saw growing up.
It is a very hard cycle to break, b/c as you said and I have said, it sneaks up on you. They hide it so well until they have you completely trapped.
I am strong, and I am intelligent and I raised my two babies to be wonderful adults that I am proud of in so many ways. They are caring, compassionate adults and I love them both with all my heart.
My one and only tattoo is between my shoulder blades and it is a heart with angel wings and my babies names, b/c they are my heart and soul. And I know if I had not wanted a better life for them, I would not be alive today.
They are my Angels..... | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/21/2008 11:56:03 AM |
My then six year old daughter came and snuggled against me and said, "It's okay Mommy daddy can't hurt you anymore."
My was 4 when I fled. She was 6 when my MVA happened. Her father took her with him the morning he had my car "taken care of", and showed her my blood all over the inside to prove to her that mommy was dead. When she was 10, he abducted her for 3 months. By the time she was 11/12, she was hospitalized the day I received a phone call from an attentive doctor that her suicide pact had fallen out of her pocket the night before when I took her to urgent care. Her plan was to kill me first and then herself. MPD, now referred to as DID. Her youngest alter is 6 years old and believes her mother is dead. It is my belief that she actually fragmented the morning her father showed her my car. She dropped out of therapy, and in violation of a sole custody order wherein her father was never to be alone with her - ever, and ran to him when she was 15/16 with my grandson. Most of her childhood was in therapy.
Today, no one really knows the full scope of what her father did to her as she still protects him. I know some as I watched her relive it as home was the only place she did relive any of it. Some the presiding judge knows much to that judge's shame, as by the time my cries were heard by the court to please appoint an attorney to represent my daughter, it was too late by the time that GAL brought the evidence of that man's sickness into court. Still - they would not terminate his rights. Nope - they reduced his visitation to 2 hours once a month to be supervised by me in a public place.
She's married and has been for more than a decade (same husband) and I hear pregnant now with number 4. Just before she ran to her father, she had an updated psych eval and psychosis had entered the picture. She functions and does a lot of good in the community where she lives and is on the surface a wonderful mother. But it's all an illusion. She actually has no conscience left. Yet, she is her father's daughter and he taught her too long and too well in his own sickness that I was an obstacle to be removed.
We have no relationship now, by my choice in recent months. Not even my own child has my permission to abuse anyone, even the very mother who set herself aside to fight the war from hell just to keep her daughter safe. She's been derailing progressively over the years. I know her alters very well, especially when she writes which has been our main format of communication over the years. She made her choices, as harsh as that sounds.
She is actually the only reason I lived through that MVA. I remember dying the second time very well. Unimaginable and indescribable. I turned around and walked away because had I died, she would have automatically gone to her father and would have had no one to protect her.
Abuse in all its forms has immeasurable consequences. Not every abuser is a sociopath, but by not taking personal accountability for one's own healing and one's own life dramatically increases the risks of getting involved with one in the romantic type of relationship. This man could literally talk the leaves off the trees. Put him in the ER dressed in doctor's "whites" and it'd be months before any questioned his credentials. I'm dead serious. His own brother was head of cancer research at a very well known university. His father served on the Joint Chiefs of Staff. My daughter's IQ is off the charts it's so high.
We (men and women) stay in abusive relationships for all manner of reasons that seem valid to us at the time. Still, and I speak from personal experience, behind all the justifications, within the pervasive cycle, behind our beliefs and wishful thinking that things will get better and that the person you knew at the beginning will magically be the person you find yourself with is a tiny nudge telling you that the picture is ALL WRONG. That tiny nudge merits listening to and acting upon. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/21/2008 6:16:29 PM |
men are stronger than women and do not need anyone to defend them especialy from a woman. they can defend themself ..thats why they dont go to a shelter becuase it would look stupid and they know it. and for your information I do NOT hit men. I think a woman who does that is truely unstable , maybe even mental. adults should act like adults. if u dont like it then leave.
no one is denying women abuse men. i have never siad they dont . that is not even in question.
It this attitude that stop men reporting violence towards them, the fear that they will "look stupid". So instead you get men staying with women that not only hit them, but beat them with things and stab them! Just incase someone says to them "you stupid man, why didnt you defend yourself, you must be soft"....
Im sorry, but in this day and age violence in relationships is frowned upon. It isn't the 60s anymore when there was nowhere to go. At the end of the day you have to put your kids first, if you love them find a way to leave, run, do anything and go to a shelter. Dont make a pattern for your children to follow!! | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/22/2008 10:19:01 AM |
Im sorry, but in this day and age violence in relationships is frowned upon. It isn't the 60s anymore when there was nowhere to go. At the end of the day you have to put your kids first, if you love them find a way to leave, run, do anything and go to a shelter. Dont make a pattern for your children to follow!!
Amen, Miss Belle, amen...Let's all save the children from the misery and end the cycle.  | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/22/2008 10:52:37 AM |
Amen, Miss Belle, amen...Let's all save the children from the misery and end the cycle.
Amen to all the survivors. Most of the world will never understand what they survived.
For those women and men even who are in this situation there should be better solutions. It is a sad reflection on our society that there is not. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/22/2008 12:56:18 PM |
Amen to all the survivors. Most of the world will never understand what they survived.
And each survivor has their own unique experience, their own unique barriers that keep them engaged in the situation or coming back, their own stories of immeasurable courage, etc. IMO, it takes as much courage to stay as it does to leave. One of the ironies of abuse.
For those women and men even who are in this situation there should be better solutions. It is a sad reflection on our society that there is not.
It IS sad that there aren't better resources. Most sad of all is the propensity in our society to judge unnecessarily. We are all guilty of that to varying degrees. I do believe that those of us who have survived have a duty of care to pay it forward in a sense. Someone helped us get out, even though it may feel that we had no help - we did. So we should in whatever way we can, however small or big, extend a "hand" to abusees (changing terminology there as I really despise the word "victim") that cross our paths. It's not much, but it's better than offering nothing.
As to the men who have shared their experiences as "abusees", takes great courage to do that as you do face much different barriers than we women survivors do. As to what anyone thinks or judges about your situation? Don't let that stop you from taking your life back. The only opinion that defines you is yours.  | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/22/2008 2:47:33 PM | bubble boy wrote:
******For those women and men even who are in this situation there should be better solutions. It is a sad reflection on our society that there is not *****
My ex used to be abusive to me in restaurants, stores, at cub scout meetings, etc and you know what, not one person ever came up to him and said, "Hey buddy, that is no way to treat your wife." Instead they turned and walked away or tried to pretend they weren't hearing it.
I truly believe if more people got involved and call out abusers, maybe it would make a difference. Most abusers don't see anything around them except the victim during those times. I don't even know if my husband realized people were standing aroud or could hear him, or maybe he knew no one would ever come to my rescue because as he put it, "Why would anyone care about you?"
How many people call out their friends for lying or cheating, for treating someone they are married or dating, badly? I do... I have given people I know a hell of a hard time about that. I know a couple who actually thought twice about cheating and ended up not because they said that I made them feel guilty.
In our society today, we turn our heads, ignore what's going on around us because we don't want to get involved or think our lone voice won't make a difference, or maybe the victim likes that kind of treatment. But I can honestly tell you, had one person come forward, it may not have changed my ex, but I would have felt a whole world of difference knowing at least one person cared.
Sharzi | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/25/2008 9:50:10 PM |
In our society today, we turn our heads, ignore what's going on around us because we don't want to get involved or think our lone voice won't make a difference, or maybe the victim likes that kind of treatment. But I can honestly tell you, had one person come forward, it may not have changed my ex, but I would have felt a whole world of difference knowing at least one person cared.
Sharzi - I could not have stated it any better. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:38:48 PM | | When it comes to discussing guys being abusive to their girls, it amazes me how these guys get categorized as tough guys, or bad boys. Let me just say this as a fact, almost all guys who abuse women are the weakest men on the planet, aka real life pussies, losers. Whatever their issues or low self-esteem, bla bla bla, my daddy beat me whatever, it's all irelevant. Men who beat women are physically and mentally weaker than boys. You will never see a wife-beater compete in martial arts, or win a bar-fight. Someone here mentioned them as the Bad Boy? True Bad Boys start alot of shit in the real world but they never lay a finger on their women, you have to give them that. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/25/2008 11:04:02 PM | Factors such as finances, custody & assets, etc aside, here's a more internal cause:
After being systematically put down and made to feel inadequate, something biochemical happens in the woman's brain.
She has gotten accustomed to constant 'survival' mode ~ meaning that her body is ever ready for crisis, and this can screw around with her perceptions of what is real or not, in part due to the abuser's isolating influence. The woman's friends are discouraged from being around, the woman ends up thinking she doesn't deserve anything better .. and with nobody around to vent at, she's unable to get her mind clear.
Let's say she finds the strength to get out.
With the way she's learned to cope, all she understands now is tension and fear. She meets a nice man who truly cares about her and is easy to be with. The result? She can't relate, and the attraction is missing because she's used to being mistreated. What does she want to do?
Well, obviously she wants someone in her life, being lonely and all that. Good guys who respect her are dismissed NOT because she's a glutton for punishment, but because she has no idea how to behave without punishment. She may thus return to the abuser because at least she knows what to expect.
It's a horrible, insidious cycle, and it's not the woman's fault for being scared and feeling stuck. Her partner may be a public charmer, causing those around to wonder how she can be such a shrew.
In her mind she may be able to acknowledge she deserves much better than to be abused, but she lacks the objectivity about how the abusive partner has chipped away at her personality .. if she still has one!
It can take a very long LONG time to recover from this, but it's possible to grow and become an invaluable help to others experiencing similar predicaments.
----------- one final edit ---------------------------
When I was married to my abuser, it was more like being assimilated by the Borg. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/26/2008 5:59:49 AM |
well angleheart my point is proven.
Clueless. Utterly clueless. All she knows is one dance step in life (as the previous most astute poster noted) - "scratch" if they get close which, in this context, is nothing more than exchanging written text to convey our thoughts and ideas and put 'em "out there"; run 'em up the flagpole and see who salutes it, but her, for her it's pay per view cage fighting. I'll pass. The bio, under "SMARTS" says "N/A". Now that's an admission in any courtroom I've ever heard of. QED | |
|
| |
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/26/2008 12:38:57 PM | | Both genders are products of the environment they were raised in, and abuse has become a learned behavior. Until they recognize they have a problem, the cycle will continue. To unlearn the behavior will most likely be their greatest accomplishment. | |
|
| |
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:21:40 PM |
Nobody stays in a relationship unless they are getting something out of it. I don't in any way mean to knock down your views, but I have to comment .. this seems to almost deny the very real trauma experienced by those in such predicaments; as if to say "oh, it's not that bad, you could leave if you really REALLY weren't happy". correct me if I'm wrong, but do you not view an abused partner as having the sense that any attempt to end the relationship would cost them BIG-TIME?
It could be said that the 'something' they're 'getting out of it' is safety and support ~ however awful the environment might be, perhaps the prospect of disastrous results is enough of a reason to stay.
Don't forget these people have been convinced, over time, that they do not deserve anything better. Those who recognize and are able to make the decision to leave are still facing possible threats, be they financial, physical, custodial, emotional, spiritual, etc etc.
What do YOU suppose they're 'getting out of it'? | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/26/2008 9:22:13 PM | I excluded real victims, if one is in danger then all things change. But when we see someone in an abusive relationship, they've been offered many ways out, they stay or go back and always have a reason, mostly they just cry on everyone's shoulders and go back for more...yes, they are getting something out of the relationship or they would not stay. I'm not talking about the kind of abuse where leaving might get you killed, that has to be handled in a very different way, I'm talking about enabling the abuser and staying beyond any sane reason. When someone is being abused and tells me, but I love him/her, I know they stay because they want to, no one is forcing them. Often if they do get out of it, they find another one. We are responsible for how we allow ourselves to be treated, we can't change the other person but we sure as heck can change our address.
A person who allows themself to be abused, who stays when they could leave, they get a whole lot of attention from friends and family and organizations geared to help those who really need the help to get away from someone who might harm them or worse. They put those who try to help them in great danger many times. They are many times just as abusive in their own ways, but playing the victim is very attention getting. You see them on message boards like this all the time, seeking attention. | |
|
|
| Page 10 of 12
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 |
|
Home
login 
