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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:57:33 AM | the sense of futility.
Spot on.
It's like dancing as fast as you can to music that plays faster than you can dance. The faster you dance, the faster the music plays. The harder you try to make the music slow down, the more it has the opposite effect.
The harder you try to leave, the more stuck you become. The more you try to reach out for help in the only way you can at the time, the more doors slam in your face.
The more you try to control your emotional reactivity, the more swallowed up you become in your emotions, which only makes you less credible when you begin to reach out. Abusers are very adept at sustaining their "public" face of stability, even when it's observably recognized that the abuser has a few "problems". Only his (or in the case of female abusers - her) problems are perceived to be causative by the partner.
The worst element of abusive relationships is the verbal, emotional and mental aspects of abuse. At least with physical violence, whether it is towards objects or person, there's visual validation that the abuse has and is occurring. Not with the covert abuses. Can't touch those, can't see those as the marks are invisible. Can't even prove them to anyone else's understanding unless they have been there. We sound like we're complaining when we begin to reach out, but we're not complaining at all. We're simply crying out for help in the only way we can.
The deeper the pain, the greater our rage. Only we're not as skilled as our abusers at controlling our anger to the outside world. Compounded by the autonomic response of fight or flight when we know we are in danger.
Those of us that do get out successfully and don't go back were blessed enough to have someone notice that we were drowning who chose to throw us a rope to grab hold of, rather than assume we could swim if we really wanted to. We can't swim, as we are functionally paralyzed at that time. 
MSG. 253 Thank you. It's been a very long journey and a seemingly lifetime of study for me to learn how to break the cycle that began in my own core family. I fell in the slow learner category, compounded by traumatic brain injury sustained courtesy of the first ex who was later diagnosed as paranoid personality disordered. Heck of a way to begin adulthood, only to have life interrupted while still fighting with every fiber of my being to protect my daughter from her own father. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/27/2008 9:32:43 AM | | somebody really hurt you now your damaged goods.you stayed thats not love then you take it out on men like me.the burning bed you are just as responacible as the man .remember you let it happen. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:14:14 PM | It's called battered women's syndrome. My mother was mentally, physically, and emotionally abused for seventeen years. She had five small children, yet stayed untill she ended up in a mental hospital. She is in her eighties now, and I've asked her many times why she stayed...Her answer is always the same...I don't know.
In the beginning women tell themselves, it will get better. He makes promises he will never do it again, and she wants to believe him. As the years go by, her self esteem, and spirit are broken. She begans to feel worthless, and frightened she can't make it on her own...especially, if there are children involved. For some unknown reason, women began to believe they deserve the abuse. That things would get better if she only did things the right way, and are to overwrought to realize no matter what they do, it isn't going to change things. My step-father came so close to killing mom so many times, I honestly don't know how she survived... I believe she stayed out of fear he would kill her, and he convinced her no one else would want her, but him... I think she believed him.
For anyone out there who is in an abusive relationship...whether it's physical, or verbal..please get help. There are women's shelters..abuse hotlines..and many other agencies who will help you. Please take advantage of those facilities... It's not just your life that matters, but the lives of your innocent children. One can't even imagine how damaging this type of relationship can be to your children..and, they will be impacted for years to come...
God Bless..
Sunnie | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/28/2008 8:38:54 PM | | Sunnie, you are so right, and a lot of women can't even seem to recognize that they are being abused. For a woman to be physically abused, they are first emotinally and mentally abused and think that they are the cause of everything. Dixie | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:33:21 PM | This is addressed to those who sincerely believe they would never let themselves stay in an abusive relationship:
1 - You see yourself as intelligent enough to recognize a potentially dangerous situation before it's too late, and that you will be able to make the right choices to protect yourself and your kids.
2 - You are confident you would never choose an abusive partner, but if you failed at first to notice the signs, you sure as heck would high-tail it outa there once that partner started acting unacceptably.
3 - You would not stay once the relationship got awful.
... etc.
Let me deal with these myths once and for all:
1 - People from all walks of life, all income brackets and education levels are potential abuse targets. It has nothing to do with being smarter, richer or better-schooled. It has to do more with the way an abuser plays on emotions and vulnerabilities. No abuser is immediately obvious, or the behaviour would not be allowed to continue. If you're thinking 'no, I would not let myself be mistreated', you're going on an assumption that you would have the strength to suddenly escape a bad scene. This also assumes the 'bad scene' is an abrupt shift from the one you prefer; as if the abuse suddenly happens instead of being an eventual development within a relationship. Because of this belief that the 'bad scene' would be a definitely noticeable change, that's why you imagine you could see it and get away .. which leads to #2:
2 - Nobody would deliberately choose an abusive partner, just as nobody would consciously join a cult. If the signs are not visible in a potential abuser, it's because the overall charm is so hypnotic that it's nearly impossible to put a finger on it: the charmer disarms everyone, not just the unwitting partner. It's not the fault of the partner that this potential was not immediately spotted. It IS the fault of the abuser for being two-faced and manipulative. It's that manipulation that makes a woman second-guess herself, and think she's judgmental & horrible for accusing her man of doing such terrible things. The woman thinks she must be losing it, so she stuffs it down and tries harder to make everything okay. NOTE: by the time this has developed, the woman who began so confident and sure of herself has now become a nervous wreck, so she feels unable to do anything right.
3 - It's almost impossible, without powerful intervention, for the abused woman to accurately assess her situation. Once it has gotten awful enough for her to realize she has to get out, she has been browbeaten so much that it may be years before she can build herself up again .. and that's IF she has outside supportive people who don't judge and don't give up on her no matter how stubborn and in denial she is.
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Incidentally, denial is a prerequisite to the choice of staying in an abusive relationship, and the funny thing about denial is that it's like being asleep or insane.
One can't say "I'm asleep" or "I'm insane", because they would have to be awake and sane to recognize it, therefore cancelling it out.
Denial is also what causes well-meant friends & relatives to get disgusted and stop trying to help. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/29/2008 1:01:06 PM |
Incidentally, denial is a prerequisite to the choice of staying in an abusive relationship, and the funny thing about denial is that it's like being asleep or insane.
One can't say "I'm asleep" or "I'm insane", because they would have to be awake and sane to recognize it, therefore cancelling it out.
Denial is also what causes well-meant friends & relatives to get disgusted and stop trying to help.
Very well stated! | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/29/2008 4:27:22 PM | Growing up seeing my mother going through one abusive husband after another, I've come to a conclusion - lack of personal self-worth.
If any woman thinks she's only good for is a bunch of abusive drunk **stards, that's who she'll always be with forever.
...and she'll never be comfortable with a decent guy and be in self doubt throughout the relationship, which will prematurely end.
Any woman that thinks she deserves better will always get the guy that respects her. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/29/2008 7:15:19 PM |
Any woman that thinks she deserves better will always get the guy that respects her. You're absolutely correct here about this whole comment, but I have one question: how do you suppose the woman will be able to start believing she deserves better?
Even if she could see herself objectively, the negative messages constantly bombarding her like ticker-tape are systematically paralyzing.
Without external intervention, and/or an unexpected break from the abusive cycle (during which, you're right: she will feel compelled to seek out the treatment to which she is sadly accustomed), can you come up with a sure-fire way that this tortured soul can finally pull free from the despair and shambles of her life?
People are mighty quick to tell her she should do this, do that, etc .. but apart from the lectures, what do they want to do to help her with practical means? Cost of living alone, transportation, childcare, etc .. accompaniment to legal outlets, and the list goes on.
I'm not meaning to seem over-critical, horneschwoggle, because what you've said is true. It's just that I couldn't help reading it as a little bit preachy at the woman's inability to believe she's worth more. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/29/2008 7:22:37 PM | I think that some people validate themselves by their service to a significant other, which is great as long as the "other" feels the same way. By the way, this "other" can be a husband, lover or even offspring...
But when one senses they have all the power in a relationship, they tend to abuse it. This can be women OR men. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/31/2008 4:21:26 AM | They stay because they feel they cant do any better...(normally due to psychological abuse from the man putting her down etc...)
And i hate hearing that phrase
"because i love him"
Its MENTAL!
how could you possibly love someone who beats you?!
It happened to my sister, and that was it.end of.
and she had had two kids with him.
I would never forgive a guy who hit me, as they cant possibly love you to do something so horrible! | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/31/2008 5:26:45 AM |
"because i love him"
Its MENTAL!
how could you possibly love someone who beats you?!
My theory is that it isn't the abuser they love, but more the illusion that was created at the onset of the relationship that they love more than they love themselves. | |
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jani1
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Joined: 4/12/2007
Msg: 270 | |
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kgrl08
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Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 271 | |
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/31/2008 2:35:26 PM | | I have to say I stayed in my relationship far too long,when I knew better,knew that I didnt deserve to be treated that way,the verbal and mental abuse was horrendous! But at same time I was financially trapped,had no friends or family that would help,so I stayed longer than I should have and at the cost of my emotional well being,I so wanted to hold onto something familiar,when everything else in my life I was losing! Until youve been where I and others have been,do not judge... | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/31/2008 4:10:27 PM | Well this is something I know a little about. Not because I was ever abusive to anyone I was in a relationship with but my mother who was married to my abusive father for over 40 years.
Abusive men are masters at manipulating their significant others. From day one they stratagize to keep the woman at bay. From controlling all the money......to impregnating her......to keeping her from getting an education.....to verbally and/or physically abusing her to the point where she lost all her self esteem and hope. He'll do whatever he has to do to keep her in his world of hell. Three main reasons why women stay is; Financial, children and FEAR! I couldn't tell you how many times my father told my mother he would take her kids and never see them again. Money? He gave her barely enough to buy the essentials. Even after the children are old enough to leave home things don't change much. by that time the woman is so beaten down she becomes numb to it all.
In the end my mother (with help and support of her children) finally divorced my father at 72 years old. The change in her was amazing. She got that hop back n her step and felt 3o years younger. Something she never thought she could get herself to do she finally did and wondered where she got the strength from. Early on in the divorce process I could see her struggling with the idea. It was very painful and difficult for her. As time went on though I saw her getting stronger and stronger. It was amazing to watch. It took my mother over 40 years to rid herself of the tyrant she married but now she's finally happy.
It's difficult to advice a woman who's being abused. All I can say is to find that strength from somwhere and get out! He doesn't love you if he's abusing you. And don't fall for those crocodile tears and phony apologies. That's just part of the manipulation process.
Good luck you you all! | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/7/2008 10:14:47 PM | | kittenshere41... ok you was in an abusive relationship for 6 yrs .im 5o was in a violent abusive ,marriage 4 26 yrs ....age dosent come into anything being stronger dosent come into anything .....men are victims of domestic violence to. so please support all who are going through domestic violence ...and please doint laugh at others misfortune because they are a different sex ,u like me no how it feels ...and i doint care what you say i left because i was in fear of my life and the life of my children .... | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/18/2008 1:46:09 PM | Women respond favorably when made to feel insecure. It is illogical, irrational, counter-intuitive and one of the great mysteries of the Cosmos. One would think that if a person treats another well, that the other would appreciate and reciprocate in kind. This is not the case with women. They easily tire and lose interest in men who do not challenge them mentally and emotionally. It is like a cat playing with a piece of string. If the string is dangled and withdrawn, the cat will be endlessly fascinated. Should the cat catch the string, he will will tire of it very quickly.
Yes there are some guys who are decent and good, but deliberately mistreat women. They've learned through experience that Nice Guys Finish Last is a stereotype because it's true. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/18/2008 4:30:48 PM | | My exhusband was emotionally and verbally abusive but I could not recognize for what it was. He is really a nice person, to other people. His second wife and I discussed this several years back and we agreed that he is best friend most people can have but a terrible husband. Other people do not see this because the damage is done at home. I was never screamed at, cussed at, called names (that you could really put your finger on) or hit. It didn't start all at once, it was a subtle thing that evolved over the years as my self esteem and self confidence declined. Even after people started noticing things that happened and pointing them out to me, I refused to believe it was abuse and would defend him and make excuses for him and take all blame for everything wrong upon myself. He laid the blame for everything wrong in his life, our children's life, be it finances, school grades, everything right down to weeds in the garden and many other things that are too silly to mention. I took it all upon my shoulders, stayed loaded with guilt for years even after we had divorced, until one day a co-worker of mine told me of a couple and how this man treated his wife and the things that he had said to her. I remarked that that was abusive and she said "that man and woman was you and Ron". I had to open my eyes and see that everything wrong in his life is not of my doing. I stayed in an abusive relationship because I did not know that I was in one and thought I deserved all of the things said and done to me. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/18/2008 4:43:00 PM | | one big fat four letter word called FEAR. Also mabye they get into them due to past experiences, but staying in them is usually fear, fear of being alone, fear of being hurt for escaping. It comes down to lack of empowerment and lack of self esteem, some times so deeply ingrained from childhood conditioning that it seems the only way of life. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/18/2008 6:51:00 PM |
It's an addiction to drama. Emotional programming. And co-dependency
Are you serious?? Women that are in abusive relationships don't stay in them because they are additcted to drama, emotionally programed or co-dependant...
They stay in them because they fear for their life, and quite often they fear for their childs life as well.
I stayed in an abusive relationship, because the first time I tried leaving I had been married for a year and I was 3 months pregnant, and when he promised to get counselling, I thought ok... I owe it to my marriage... I owe it to my unborn child to try again...
As soon as we got in the car to drive home, he looked at me... and with a large sly smile on his face, said, if you ever try and leave again, I'll slit your throat.
The abuse continued, although never physically again, it turned to financial, emotional, and phsyocological. Before I left I was convinced (after him telling me how incapable I was at being a parent) and that my child really didn't need me... that is the kind of thing that rocks your very being. It got to the point I would BEG him to hit me... that way I would at least have proof for the cops that yes I was being abused.
I tried going to the police a number of times, they were nice enough to say it was my word against his word... even when they could see the red marks on my neck from when he had held me up against the wall by my throat... luckily the neighbours heard my screams that time, called the cops, and threathened to break the door in if he didn't open it..
What got me out?? He threatened to take my child to another country... I remember crying trying to figure out how I could fight him (his parents are wealthy)... And I remember my daughter who was 2 at the time, taking me out of the room, leading me away from his yelling and abusive talk, she sat me down looked in my eyes, and wiped my tears... I prayed to God that night... to keep us safe...
The next morning, we left to get my daughter a hair cut... and we never looked back... we left with the clothes on our backs.
I applaude all of the other brave souls (men & women both) who have gotten out and have stayed out... to those of you in abusive relationships... it's not too late... it's never to late to get out... get out and stay out... it's not worth staying. | |
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