|
|
|
|
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 8/26/2006 3:46:12 PM | | Verbal abuse is usually just a prelude to physical abuse. That is why it gets to that point. All it takes is for someone to tear down your self-esteem. I was in an abusive relationship for years. I just recently left for good. I would not describe myself as needy, dependent or uneducated, but when you are in that situation, you feel useless, helpless and unworthy of anything good. | |
|
| |
| |
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 10/15/2006 9:32:53 AM | There are actually prisoners that would rather stay in prison than be released. It may be a hell but it is a familiar hell . People sometimes would rather stay with the devil they know than to risk the possibility of the devil they do not know = DAMN I AM FILLED WITH CLICHES' TODAY  | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 10/15/2006 9:38:19 AM | i dont know
but those that are, they are probably too scared to get away..... to scared to say "im leaving you" and i think there should be more help for thse kinda people that have nobody r nwhere to escape to,, some women are abusive an ex of mine was abusive and i had to say no and escape. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 10/15/2006 9:49:32 AM | I was scared of what was going to happen and fear of my kids witnessing any part of it
how wrong I was... kids are resiliant (sp?) .. they will survive anything if they have love sheltering them
believe it or not after two years .. everything is going smoothly.. I'm VERY happy, kids are well-adjusted, their father is happy (with another woman) and there is no more abuse present. Strange but all it took was me finally getting the guts to absolutely walk away.
Although i can honestly say that there are too many people who turn a cheek and not offer any help. Resources arent aggressive enough and cops (in my experience) have no heart behind that badge. How positively frightening it is to feel so alone. I swear the rest of my days that whenever i see a person (yes, men can be abused) needs help.. I'm there in a heartbeat!! | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 10/15/2006 7:26:13 PM | This is a very touchy subject for me.....
I spent over 20 yrs suffering verbal, emotional and other types of abuse...due to my strict catholic upbringing and the fact that i saw it in my own home growing up....I spent the first 10 yrs of this relationship not even realizing what he was doing was wrong....and when i did finally figure it out i had three babies and by then had very low self esteem and thought i was worthless , stupid and uable to do it on my own.
It took me 10 years to fianally get the nerve to leave....to be able to think that i was strong enough to do it on my own.....and when i did; i did it with flying colors......
I finally hit the breaking point; kicked him out, went back to school, graduated with honors and got a job that paid more then he ever brought home.......
why do women stay......well for one it is hard to leave....we are scared, we think that what we are going through is hard but alone will even be harder....
we are scared of what he might do.....we are scared to go out on our own....thinking "I am not good enough"...."I will never get a job"...."I cannot do it" because that is what we are told.....
but beleive me when i say that LADIES......you can leave and you can do it and you can get out and live a full and proper life......
it has been four years for me and after I left him i felt like i was walking taller....there was such a heavy burden lifted off my shoulder......this has been the best four years of my life....i became a better parent because i was no longer angry....I became a better person because i learnt to like myself and who i am....I became an independant. strong. woman and like who i am......If I would have left sooner when i was not ready things might not have turned out as well for me....
now i love life....and love myself and who i am...... | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 10/15/2006 8:36:13 PM | I was in a abusive realationship with my ex husband. He was controlling, mentally abusive, physically. I stayed because I felt like he would change. I went for help. I went to women's shelters and still went back to him because I believed. I finally got my senses together and started packing my stuff little by little and hiding money. One day while he was at work I just up and left. I don't know how he did it but he found me and threatened me. This went on for 4 years after we were divorced. He was still trying to control me. I had to stand up for myself and just walk away from him. He would follow me. Call me and harrass me. I had to call the cops. They were no help. This is sad to say but I told his daughter the only way I would get away from him and be free if he died. And guess what? He did. Only 3 days after I said that to her she called me and said he was in the hospital. They found brain tumors, cancer all over. I took our daughter to see him one last time. He was in a coma. He lasted 3 weeks from the time we found out about the cancer until he died. I was releived when he did die then I knew I was going to be finally free of him. It is too bad it had to come to that. From that I learned to live my own life. I will never date a guy who is controlling. Or abusive. I will walk away. It is not worth it to be unhappy for the rest of my life.
Aly | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 10/15/2006 8:50:10 PM | | Yes love probably is a factor but also not knowing any better ie. know how it should/could be...my first ex worked hard at being a good b/f...so he set a good standard for me...I was lucky to have him as a starting point...so I'm less tolerant of nonesense...unless I'm really into him then I might give him some slack...lol | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 10/15/2006 8:52:35 PM | | Talking from experience..you stay, because you have taken it for so long that you come to believe what he/she says to be the truth. You couldn't make it without me, you are stupid, f**kn C#*t. It goes on and on..and by this time you have a couple of kids and think..I am stupid and couldn't do it alone...Then as time goes by..hate begins..you get stronger and stronger..and realize that there is a life out there..and you CAN make it. But you have to come to the point before you can move on. Sound confusing?? And Dan..we don't love it! | |
|
Meface
|
Joined: 6/20/2006
Msg: 36 | |
| |
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 10/17/2006 4:53:07 AM | Those who stay definitely are in need of professional help. Even worse are the ones who get out of an abusive relationship and get into another!
People (not just women) stay in an abusive relationship because they don't believe in themselves.... and the abuser makes sure their self-esteem stays low, so they can continue to control them. To the one being abused, abuse often feels like love, due to childhood abuse, but this is not always true..... BUT..... unless the person is very strong, or has a very good support system, they often go back to their abuser or get into another abusive relationship.
Why??? ... because all of us, no matter how strong we are, need to have love in our lives, and, if we don't have family and friends to surround us with that love, we will go back to what we know.... aka: an abuser...... in our minds, we know it isn't right..... but in our hearts, it feels like love.
As you can probably guess, I was in an abusive relationship - for 20 yrs. - and it has been 7 yrs. since I left... I took 4 yrs. of therapy, during which time I stayed completely away from men, and I was fortunate enough to have a few very good and very strong friends who threatened to "b*tch slap" me if I ever went back..... there was one friend who was my rock during that time, and I am eternally grateful to her. I am now in a much better place, I truly love myself, and I have an amazing man in my life who loves me.... but it was not an easy road.... but it was definitely worth all the tears.
So to those who are looking to leave an abusive relationship, remember to build the friendship(s) that will be your rock during the tough times to come... but you will come out the other side a much better and much happier person.
| |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 10/17/2006 7:15:28 AM |
sarenitysky - I am in a abusive relationship now ,I am tring to get out, he follows me to school,and harrasses me,I do not have another place to live so i feel i am stuck here,sometimes hes really nice to me and makes me think he will change,when he beats me and calls me names he always says hes sorry,and i know hes not,theres not alot of help where i live,i am not afraid of being a single parent,i raised my beautiful daughter on my own,i never married her dad,he was very abusive also and i left the state to get away.this situation is diffrent,i dont have money of my own,i am finishing up nursing school,so i can make a better life for my daughter and I alone!!! but i dont know what to do for now,one of us is going to end up dead,C.S.I. Investigations might be knocking at my door.
report it to the police, and they ll give him an order not to go x-miles around you, he cannot stalk you and harrass you like this, thats illegal, but you must decide that youre not seeing him anymore, there ll be no maybe sometimes nice once you made up your mind.
i know how people will tell you to go get help, and its difficult when helps just not available from down the street, things like women shelter or similar, but theres absolutely nothing, go to the police.
as to money, you said you dont have money of your own? are you saying that hes paying for your school? can you get a student load and work part-time?
keep us updated and take care! | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 10/17/2006 2:40:15 PM | | not exactly. if they beat you down, and you have no self-esteem, you don't leave. Anyone who has not experienced this firsthand cannot even begin to understand it. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 10/17/2006 2:42:13 PM | | Amen to that. Get out as soon as you can, when you're ready for it. It's hard, but worth the effort. Some people don't get it because they don't know what it's all about. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 10/18/2006 8:57:58 AM | "LOVE/HOPE: He is not always brutal…She hopes he will change, and the [abuse] will stop…An abused partner still loves the abuser even though he [abuses] her.
FEAR : She believes his threats to beat or kill her, the children, her family if she leaves him…He’s done it before, she fears he will do it again. [If he hasn't become physically violent yet, she fears that he will do so]
SOCIETAL PRESSURE: Society has conditioned women to believe their primary duty is to keep the family together no matter what…She would be admitting failure…She may have been successful in other areas of her life and believes that if she works hard enough she can also have a successful relationship or marriage.
LACK OF SUPPORT: Family members are threatened physically... After repeated attempts to help, family may distance themselves from the victim...Friends don’t want to get involved…Isolation from family makes it difficult.
RELIGION: Divorce is not acceptable…Vow was to love, honor, and obey.
EMBARASSMENT, SHAME, GUILT: She doesn’t want her family to find out…If her family likes him, they may not believe her or they might blame her…If she is the wife of a prominent citizen she may worry about how the publicity will effect his reputation, career, and whether people will believe her.
FEELS RESPONSIBLE: She doesn’t know anyone else being beaten, so she must be doing something wrong…She believes what her abusive partner says that somehow it’s all her "fault", therefore he had to beat her.
SURVIVAL IS ALL SHE THINKS ABOUT: All her energy and thoughts are focused on surviving…Formulating a plan to leave is overwhelming…Trauma is similar to that of a prisoner of war who is reduced to the level of mere existence and survival.
HAS NO PLACE TO GO: She may not know about shelters or lack transportation…She has worn out her welcome at mom’s, sister’s, etc.
ECONOMIC DEPENDENCE: Many batterers have strict control over the purse strings…Husband convinces her that she will not receive any child support if she "abandons" the family…Over 50% of victims have no marketable skills…Feels she can endure beatings so that children have more financial advantages.
[An IMPORTANT and too-often-overlooked detail as regards Verbal/Emotional abuse: You can have someone arrested for physical violence; There is no way to legally stop, limit or punish someone who abuses with words]
From Houston police: http://www.houstontx. gov /police/fvu_leave.htm
First of all, many women do leave. Battered women are not passive victims who merely accept the abuse. They are constantly working to stop the violence, and to protect their children from its direct or indirect effects. Sometimes battered women deny or minimize psychological impact of the abuse.
The fact that a battered woman stays with an abuser may reflect the fact that our society has not made it clear that battering is unacceptable, and has not provided sufficient support for the victims of violence to be able to leave.
A woman often stays because, at least in the early stages of the battering, she sincerely hopes that her partner will change, and that the battering will stop.
When it becomes clear that this is not going to happen, she may well try to leave or get help. Her partner may threaten her with even more violence or other hurtful actions if she leaves - and she knows that her partner is capable of carrying out these threats. Many batterers threaten to get a court order for custody of the children if she leaves.
From: http://www. helpingspiritlodge. org/violence.htm#why
There are lots of reasons that it can be difficult to get out of a violent relationship. A batterer doesn't usually start hitting his wife or girlfriend out of the blue -- it usually starts after a history of verbal and emotional abuse: insulting her and chipping away at her sense of self-worth. Typically, by the time the physical violence begins, her self-esteem is seriously damaged. Usually, violence isn't constant but comes in cycles, with a "honeymoon" period after the violent episode when the batterer says that he's sorry and that it will never happen again. The victim might really love her partner -- she probably just wants the violence to end, not the whole relationship. She may also think that she can change him.
And there are other factors as well: the victim may fear for her life. She may have financial worries, and fear for the safety of her children.
It takes a lot of courage to end any relationship. If there's violence involved, it can take a whole lot more.
From: http:// www. endabuse. org/qabanners/qadaily/index.php3?Question=17
It's a wonder why we always ask, "Why doesn't she leave?" Instead, we should be asking more appropriate questions such as, "Why does he think it is okay to abuse her and why does our society continue to allow this to happen?"
Myth: The victim can always walk away from the relationship.
Truth: Victims usually do not have any place to go where they will be safe from the abuser. Because of the ongoing history of the abusive relationship, the abuser knows all of the victim’s options and can follow the victim there. Sometimes it’s safer for the victim to stay with the abuser for the time being than try to escape.
From: http://www. ewu. edu /x36674.xml
If that isn't enough, just g00gle the following:
+"why doesn't she leave?" = 601 hits
+"why doesn't she leave" +abuse = 327 hits
+"why doesn't she leave?" +abuse verbal emotional = 57 hits
Just educate yourself, people, the info is out there."
~all of this great info. courtesy of the posts by "YourGirl". my best friend is currently sharing a roof, while between other places to live, with an abusive sadistic ex. this monster will never change and is about to cut off the net, her only way left of contact with others; no phone, t.v. or getting together with friends is allowed, or he throws a violent fit and makes more threats. unfortunately, all of the women like her mother and sister have no self esteem, still tolerate nothing but abuse from their relationships, trying to numb their pain in a 40 oz. bottle of gin and various other daily addictions. they live in denial and hate my best friend for being sober and refusing to settle for what they have. nobody but her sees anything sick and twisted in all of these situations, so it's a solo battle for freedom. don't ever give up, back down or let anyone try to convince you that you deserve this bullshit. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/2/2006 4:29:28 PM | msg 16 says it all...also- when you have been with them for so long and children are involved, its hard to just give up on it. However, when you finally see the light and do leave, one may sit back and ask, "was it really worth it to stay?" anyways- its all too familiar to me... the best thing is to get out while you can and take the time necessary to heal so you can move on. It can be done.. There are ways and resources.. No excuse. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/2/2006 4:45:18 PM | shallyjean, I took in everything you said, him trying to kill you twice... and then I read:
If I could keep them 100% safe I would be with him again because I do not value my life above my child's.
And thought, HUH??? I can understand you valuing your childs life, but to say in the same sentence if you could keep them safe you would be with him again?? This guy "devestated [you] financially, as well as emotionally and physically", and yet you say if you knew your child was safe you'd go *back*?? That right there says one thing, you may value your childs life (a good thing), but you don't value your *own* life (which is a horrible thing). Thats like saying if you could drop your child off at your parents, and know with 100% certainty they'd be safe, you'd go back and get yourself killed, because you don't matter. And yes you *do* matter, unless you would want your child to grow up without their mother in their life. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/2/2006 5:18:39 PM | Get REAL__You stayed because you think nothing of yourself!!
Wrong..I think pretty highly of myself...I have a great personality and lots going for me....I have 2 great kids and 2 jobs that I love wouldn't trade for the world...
Not this " I love him bullshit"
Love isn't about staying with someone who treats you like crap...but no different then having someone you have known treating you like crap and meeting someone new who is going to treat you the same way...
Get help from a shrink, NOW!
Didn't need help...stayed cause I couldn't be bothered starting all over again...the dating scene wasn't something I wanted to do after being away from it for 20 years...and I can see why I didn't want to do it ..its just a bunch of games...so you chalk up verbal abuse/dating games...what one is better of the 2 at least in a 20 year relationship you have some sort of security and you know the person....I guess for most its the whole starting over again... | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/2/2006 7:03:52 PM | | Great thread. Some of the info here is really enlightening. LaReina described it so concisely. Humans can be so sick. I mean anyone who would do this to someone is sick. The sad thing to is that abusers will often hurt pets and people close to the abused person as a means of further abusing that person. So tragic. Sometimes I think human beings are a disease. I guess we are here on earth to learn something from all this. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/4/2006 11:29:56 PM | | I'd say most women stay because they have insecurity issues (maybe the man himself made them that way) I think some men think if you treat the woman like garbage she'll feel like she's worth nothing which will make her stay with them, for fear of being alone. I feel sorry for the girls that play THAT game. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/4/2006 11:59:45 PM | I have to say it sickens me to see people who have never been in such a situation to judge those abusee. DO NOT blame the one that has been abused....it is the abuser that is totally at fault.
No...I have never been in an abusive relationship but I have dealt with those that have been abused both physically and mentally for years because of a past job. Do you honestly think it's that wasy for a woman to just walk away ?
The abuser plays so many head games that the one being abused feels there is no escape, no hope. Place yourself in a woman's shoes that is being abused and think of how scared she might be when the abuser is contantly telling her that he is going to kill her if she tries to leave. That he is going to bring harm to her family or even children should she try to leave. An abuser is going to mentally beat you into the ground until you feel there is no escape...no escape other than wishing and hoping that one day when he beats you you'll die and end the pain and insanity. After he beats you...he cries, begs and apologizes profusely and declaires how much he loves you and doesn't want to lose you. In your mind...you believe him or atleast you want to believe him. He is attentive to you for days on end trying to prove his love and you fall for it and start to feel that love all over again for him. Then one day *WHAM!* It's such a sick cycle that these women go through. Understand it messes with them mentally in such ways that it becomes a mental disease.
Don't think for a minute that a *protection from abuse order* is always going to help either. Yes, it's a good idea to get one but as scary as it is...someone's a *PFA* only incites more trouble and I have seen the horrible things a man has done to a woman that has gotten that type of a court order against her abuser. I myself...with my own eyes witnessed a man that walked up and stabbed his wife to death on the very same day she obtained that *PFA*. News of such heinous acts is publicized and places even more fear into those that are in abusive relationships.
Everyone can sit here and say they'll beat the crap out of a man that tries to beat them. Everyone here can sit and say they'll never allow themselves to be placed into such a situation. Yet....you don't know how you would react unless you have been placed in this type of situation.
BTW....it's not only women who suffer through mental and physical abuse. | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 12:02:23 AM | | Joc19lyn....it's beyond me how you can state: *I feel sorry for the girls that play THAT game*. What game is that and how can you refer to this as a game? There are no winners here! You make it sound as if they chose to be put into these horrible situations | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 12:25:19 AM | Women Dan????
Are you kidding.
It's the women who are the verbal abusers. Not only are they abusers but they take a totally sick , perverted, pride interdating thier men like dirt | |
|
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 12:30:10 AM | Many things, that are listed as wife bashing, are never listed as husband bashing. Try this collection, of definitions of battered wives, from the Darebin Community Centre in Northcote.
• Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells?
• Are you told what to do, when to do it, what to wear?
• Do you have to account for your time?
• Are you forced to have sex when you don't want to?
• Are you made to feel scared?
• Are you hit, kicked or pushed around? Do you have things thrown at, or near you?
• Are you cut off from family and friends?
• Is your partner possessive or jealous?
• Does your partner control you and the money?
Typical examples of wife abuse? Think again.
- The average husband DOES feel as if he’s walking on eggshells every time his bowels fail suddenly, and he makes a hasty dash from the garden to the toilet with anything on his boots. (If a wife threw up in his car, with a touch of morning sickness, and he yelled at her, it would certainly be listed as abuse.)
- The average husband is told what to do by his wife absolutely all the time. Including how to do things that she has no knowledge of.
Something goes wrong and the average wife is promptly screaming at her husband “DO SOMETHING” That’s domestic violence! That’s husband bashing!
(A great many wives still take some sort of sick pride in this form of husband bashing frequently bragging to the girlfriends about how helpless her husband would be if she wasn’t there to tell him what to do. I know I’m gettting confrontational now but how many times have you heard these control freaks, actually boasting about the way that they abuse their husbands in this manner
- The average husband does have to account for his time. Each and every time he works back late. He’s routinely accused of infidelity even though he’s got the overtime money to prove otherwise. The real truth is that the workplace often feels more like a home than his home. Particularly if home means “walking on eggshells” all the time.
- The average husband is hit, kicked, and pushed around. The shelters and the law list every angry shove, by a short tempered husband, as wife bashing. Ask around your own office. Do you have a single female staff member who as NEVER, given her man an impatient shove?
- The average husband is very much cut off from family and friends. Her family is welcome in the home, his are not. His friends are usually his workmates and they are not welcomed into the home.
The Darebin Community Centre has got one thing right. All of these forms of abuse are still abuse. Blood doesn’t need to flow before abuse occurs.
But all of these forms of abuse are considered the normal way to treat a husband.
A man, even talking back, or expressing his own opinions, is rapidly being listed as a wife basher these days. A wife, continually hurling, both abuse, and kitchen knives, at a husband is rarely listed as a husband basher. Not even when the man is dragged into hospital with a gushing jugular vein. A woman has to actually kill her husband, or her bash victims have to be children before she is charged | |
|
|
| Page 2 of 12
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 |
|
Home
login 
