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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 4:25:04 AM | I could list at least 100 justifiable reasons, but I'm sure most in this thread already have. I will summarize it instead:
The victim "is" responsible for their actions/inactions, but -- they aren't responsible for the abusers behavior and words. The abuser is responsible for the crime, and the crime is often psychological warfare, financial warfare, religious warfare, -- they erode the dignity and self confidence of their victim "slowly", cajoling, controlling, manipulating, and psychologically creating an environment where distortion either reinforces the victims "existing" weaknesses, or creates weaknesses -- the victim doesn't even know they've become a victim until suddenly, they are one.
It is a complicated matter which requires patience and empathy if you're dealing with a victim who you're trying to help.
You can't help the helpless. Until the victim becomes aware and believes they can "get out" and that they "deserve" to be safe, happy and joyful -- you, and they will be powerless to end the cycle.
I have helped a number of women leave abusers, but I was powerless until they had faith in me, and in the possibility of being "ok" | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 5:49:29 AM | People do such things because of 'lack of self-esteem'.
Most all mental 'problems' stem from self-esteem issues - on BOTH sides. Abuse, alcohol/drug abuse, gambling, etc..
The abusive guy - was raised and/or has learned - 'this is what you do to make yourself feel better about....'.
The victim has learned that 'you deserve this because you are not worthy of better...'
Wake up, get real, get some help if you need it (a shrink) to help you with your self-esteem problems. The sooner you 'get it', the better off you and those around you will be.
DO NOT sit there and take this type of SH^T and carry this type of thing with you your whole life.
DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!!! | |
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anth28
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Joined: 9/28/2006
Msg: 53 | |
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 5:57:05 AM | | Well, to say she is staying because she likes to be s**t all over is probably one of the most ignorant statements I have ever read. There are many reasons these poor women stay in these relationships such as: they have children and sacrifice their own happieness to give them a home with a mother and father (yes, I know an abusive father is worthless, however to most in an abusive relationship, this seems logical at the time. Especially if the children are not abused), they are threatened with their lives if they leave, they are committed to their partners in blind faith, they have been manipulated by this person who constantly says sorry and promises change but it never happens....theses are just some examples. Throughout history you will find many examples of situations where individuals have been mentally and physically abused to the point of brainwash. Its a scary thing, and very real. And none of us can pass judgemen until we know what its like being in that kind of situation | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 6:00:22 AM | not sure...maybe the guy started off charming, kind and a over all gentleman
i mean a real decent guy
then kinda gradually
became a azz hole
who knows
the important thing is that the women are not
put down by their friends, loved ones or new loves...for making the mistake of loving a abuser
in theory most abusers grew up abused...so in the end everyone needs counseling
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anth28
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Joined: 9/28/2006
Msg: 55 | |
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 6:12:51 AM | | Not all abusers grow up abused...some are just natural a**holes or have mental problems...if we start making the generalization that being abused means you have a chance at becoming an abuser, then the children of abusive parents are going to grow up feeling even more on the edge of society which is doing nobody any good. The real truth is that people who grow up in an abusive household know more about how damaging it is than those who dont and are in a better position to make the choice not to do the same things to others, knowing how painful it can be. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 8:14:14 AM | | I agree with you. Somehow they have a way of brainwashing you into thinking YOU are at fault and YOU are the problem. YOU make them do what they do to you. Then you begin to disect yourself into not existing at all. You can't have feelings and thoughts because they are wrong. You are lucky that they want you cause no one else would have you. But you've just got to change for them. Then when even you do exactly what they say to the letter, they never told you any such thing and it starts all over. It's a visious cycle and they are in control. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 8:15:37 AM |
I agree with you. Somehow they have a way of brainwashing you into thinking YOU are at fault and YOU are the problem. YOU make them do what they do to you. Then you begin to disect yourself into not existing at all. You can't have feelings and thoughts because they are wrong. You are lucky that they want you cause no one else would have you. But you've just got to change for them. Then when even you do exactly what they say to the letter, they never told you any such thing and it starts all over. It's a visious cycle and they are in control.
This is an extremely accurate summary of just about every case I've come across. It is a "reality" which seems highly illogical and impossible to understand unless you've studied it, witnessed it, or lived it vicariously or directly. The "dysfunction" is very real, and the victim becomes very ill psychologically over time. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 8:20:44 AM | In the past, I would attribute a lot of this to social institutionalization of women's expected role: mother. All her life choices revolved around having and raising children, so she was an easy victim of predatory men.
As women's options in life improve over time, responsibility for staying in an abusive relationship is more and more her own. In the past, a woman had little economic alternatives but to get married young, have kids, and be dependent on her man. If he started abusing her, her options were limited to non-existent.
That era is over. Young women now have all the options men have, and have to take responsibility for their own lives. They can forego early marriage and early motherhood, stay in school and live with their parents, get a good job, and make a life for themselves.
And no, that doesn't mean abusive men should get a free ride. Abusive men have already failed in their responsibility, and are a completely different discussion. There is nothing women can do to change abusive men. This entire thread is about what women can do once their men have failed them.
[rant]
This isn't aimed at anyone in particular. I just chose this part of the thread to reply. It really pisses me off to hear young women defend their poor life decisions, the ones that keep them in abusive relationships, by saying how easy men have it. That is complete bullshit. Most of us, who did not grow up with rich parents, have been struggling our whole life for self-improvement. We make the decision to learn a marketable skill (or in my case, go into debt to get the piece of paper that says I already have that marketable skill), make the sacrifices necessary for a reasonably independent life, and fight and struggle to make something of ourselves.
The ONLY advantage life handed me was a set of decent parents. Everything else I have in life was won by blood, sweat, tears, and self-sacrifice. Being male did absolute nothing for me.
[/rant] | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 8:37:10 AM | Your Girl message 13
It's so TRUE.
Sadly we shame and blame the ONE person who I like to think of of as a survivour not a VICTIM.
Our society looks down on someone who is having this happen to them.
Why do we never make the person doing it accountable?
I have never understood how we expect the abused person to be accountable and therefore responsible for another person's behaviour.
It is so...wrong.
We have to STOP doing this.
One poster made a reference to the woman being weak.
I believe she is courageous.
It's all about changing one's attitude.
Learning to walk with your head held up high.
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 9:16:20 AM | | Physical or verbal abuse......the common factor as far as the female is concerned is FEAR! Usually, the female is so shot down mentally that she no longer feels good enough to move out or on with her life! The relationship doesn't START that way... After a while it ends up being a CONTROL thing on his side! She feels worthless, no longer feels wanted or needed by anyone else! It takes a lot of courage to walk away from that kind of relationship....but when she finally does....life only gets better! Been there and VERY glad that I had the COURAGE to move on!! And....NO... I did NOT enjoy one minute of it!! Then....the healing begins...... | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 9:44:10 AM | what about men in abusive relationships??
It's similar in some ways - men will say "they fell down the stairs" rather than have their friends laugh at them (for being "beaten up by a woman"), when in fact the men have demonstrated remarkable restraint and aplomb by not responding in kind to actual acts of physical violence visited upon them by their spouse.
In other instances the men "try to make it work", out of loyalty or a sense of honouring the commitment "for better or for worse" (when it fact it sometimes turns out to have been worse for them to stay - I recall the friends of one woman remarking that her husband "must have had the patience of a saint [for putting up with her for so long]", which I've always taken as an indication that others would have left long before he did ...
Thus, the common thread is that of "shame" (keeping spouses in abusive relationships), when in fact it's a shame that they've stayed.
Sometimes ya gotta get out, in order to take care of the kids (and yourself) $0.02 | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 9:59:27 AM |
the female is so shot down mentally that she no longer feels good enough to move out or on with her life! The relationship doesn't START that way... After a while it ends up being a CONTROL thing on his side! She feels worthless, no longer feels wanted or needed by anyone else!
I've never once felt no one would love me if i got out.I've always known i could survive on my own. That was not the issue.
With kids.. some women, like myself, simply fear what the kids will witness or experience if the mother tries to leave. We are trying to protect the child. Some women are so scared they will get hurt/killed and then who will care for the child? The whole time I was with him and in fear.. I used to wish there was some man big and strong (brother,friend,relative) to kick his ass and help me leave. But there's no one.
Yes, all it really takes is courage and kids really are resiliant to anything. Its a big hurdle but it can be done. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 10:10:56 AM | I'm here to speak on behalf of being in a relationship, where he was verbally abusive to me.
I was with him for 2years, he was my first love.
And from your initial thread, I'm thinking it's safe to assume you've never been in one, b/c it's easier said than done .. so if you have been in one 1.) it wasn't a long relationship or 2.) your going by friends situations or media.
The relationship b/w me and my EX started off perfect .. none of that too good to be true bull crap .. it was real, you feel it. By the end of the 2nd year, he started being mean to me, insulting me, putting me down .. and if you think for one second it's cus 'we' love the attention of an ***hole you are very INCORRECT.
The main reason I stayed was because I was in love .. and I truly believed it was just a phase .. many times when he'd begin insulting me, I'd stay quiet and convince myself.. they are just words, cus in other times he was so loving, so caring. It was the love that made me stay. The belief that he'd overcome it and I could just help.
When your in love, you'd try anything to make it work. The only reason I truly left was b/c of one deep insult and no apology would make it better, and I walked away. Now I've been single for almost 10months - and I am a stronger person b/c of that relationship. I had the will to stay for love, not b/c I liked the drama or the pain... with pain, comes strength .. it only comes if you try to survive it .. too easy to walk away .. I could have walked away, but why? When my heart wouldn't be walking with me ..
Think about that .. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 10:57:20 AM | | No they don't crave this. It's because they have been beat down emotionally. Most of the time they don't have the energy to start a new relationship nor to get out. What they really need is counceling and a friend to help them through this. Some of these women see no way out even though there are places available to go. Most of the time this is for fear of losing their possessions or tearing their families apart. Because the controling man has threatened them and they are in fear; sometimes they feel he will continure to harress them when they get back on their own feet. They may not want to hide from this man for the rest of their life. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 11:06:36 AM | Hey, all:
Hey, Your Girl:
In your Msg #13 You refer to "blaming the victim". While I won't deny that attitude happens--it would stupid, blind and ignorant to do so--I think the question 'Why doesn't she leave?' is another way of saying 'Please leave'. Just as if one might ask someone 'Wouldn't you like to do/say/go...?', instead of saying 'Please do/say/go...'. In many cases it is a matter of tone and presentation that makes the difference.
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I come from a minority position here in that I was verbally abused by the woman I was married to, and many of the conditions referred to in spousal abuse of women apply to men as well. Please, don't anyone misunderstand, this is not a case of 'well, she did it too!' I merely point it out because I can empathize and even sympathize with some of the women who have been verbally abused.
In my case I lost track of who I was--in order to please someone with whom I thought there was mutual, limitless love and respect. To keep her happy I started lying, which led to depression and anti-depressant drugs--not a happy period of my life at all. I stayed in it for 2 years because of the simple vow ' 'til death do us part'. Fortunately, I eventually saw the hypocrisy in that and moved out. After the divorce, I found the veil had lifted and I flushed the anti-depressants down the 'twa let'! Somewhere for a short time there were some real mellow fish, in the effluent of a sewage plant.
The range of responses is from taking off at the first sign of abuse, all the way--sadly--to murder at the hands of a spouse. Lack of self-esteem and deception on the part of the abuser, often matches with the lack of self-esteem and trust on the part of the abused.
There are certainly no easy answers, but it certainly starts with better family and communication skills. This is distilled into one word--education.
David
Messages done with sustainable energy, with Wind and Sun! | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 11:27:02 AM | | After breaking up with my last long-term boyfriend, I've been doing a lot of reading up on this. I felt so stupid after staying with him for so long when he was not a nice person. A lot of times abuse is gradual. The guy will usually tell his girlfriend everything she wants to hear when they first start dating, and then once they get comfortable, they start with being very subtle about it. The partner slowly adapts to it, and after hearing that they are not good enough for quite sometime they almost start to believe it. Lucky for me, I had friends and family who saw what was going on. I hadn't isolated myself from them enough for them not to notice. Abusers are also extremely manipulative. They will turn things around so that it appears to be the partners fault. The partner usually believes that the abuser is a rational thinker and believes that he wouldn't say that without a good reason, so then they try to figure the person out. There are also times when the relationship is happy in between the bad times and so the partner will let the bad stuff go since things are going well. It's a never ending cycle. It sucks, and anyone who is in one needs to get out and have no contact with the abusive perons whatsoever. | |
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anth28
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Joined: 9/28/2006
Msg: 68 | |
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 11:48:07 AM | | Its easy to sit here and say what some should be doing or what they could have done, but the reality is that each situation is differet. The main similarity is that these women are being abused. To blame them is just plain wrong. I am sorry, but if you have never grown up in a household and witnessed that sort of thing or have never been a victim of it, you have no right to an opinion. Some of these men are violent and dangerous and threaten their wives daily with physical harm and even death. To say that they should just leave, is a little too cut and dry for someone in that kind of situation. It doesnt matter what era you were born in, abuse is abuse and it works its evil ways on a persons self esteem the same way no matter if this is 1829 or 2006. Your level of education, your opportunities, none of it matters. If it did, there would be alot less men getting away with abusing their partners. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/5/2006 11:52:28 AM | Hi people..
Have to agree with message 3 Rainbowfish and 16 Yourgirl.
Also in my opinion, many women are impatient and feel the need to hook up immediately with another abusive male without asking themselves why do I keep repeating this pattern, do I really love this man, or do I just not want to be alone? ManyIMO feel the need to meet the status quo that society imposes on women that if your not with a significant other, WHY NOT? As though there is something wrong with you. A lot of women succumb to the pressure that they must have a man, abusive or otherwise, to feel that they are desirable and not the sort to be waiting on the sidelines. I have in my life known many successful career women, who when it comes to their lovelife will choose being in an abusive relationship rather than being perceived as unable to attract a boyfriend or perspective husband. They perceive showing up at Christmas dinner or other social functions
ALONE without someone on your arm as being a LOSER! I've spoken to many women in my business over the years and am amazed that when you get down to the real nitty gritty and they feel comfortable with me, will reveal to me that they are not even in love with their spouse. Sad! However to the outside world, it appears that they have it all! | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/18/2006 9:15:52 AM | anth/rac
You two need to read up some on such 'issues'.
The abuser has 'learned' via their life experiences and has become skilled at 'playing' those around them. Yes, brainwashing is one of their techniques.
Yes, to be certain - the person staying might well have kids and be 'afraid' of what is out there should she leave. However, he/she is afraid - why? - low self-esteem. "no one will want me...", "I can't do it alone - I need them."
You are wrong - these people are this way because something has caused them to be such.
I heard someone once say "children are born into the world perfect"..... It isn't until society, peers, parents, etc all get their hands on them that they become 'not perfect'. Okay.
You, me, everyone have their issues. However, I do not make my issues effect someone else.
The sooner these people get some 'help' - the sooner they can see the light and have a good life. Whether or not that means staying or going.
K? | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/18/2006 9:31:11 AM | Whitetigress,
It is the same for the guy in an abusive relationship.
I was in one for four years - on again - off again. She would go off on these blind rages. Verbally trashing me.
WT, while I will admit to being human and having shortcomings. I am a nice guy - really. All my friends know me and know this.
However, she would just take these silly little things (now when I look at it) and go crazy on/about them.
Bottom line - I stayed - 'cause I felt that I could 'fix' it. After all trying, I was emotionally drained. I went back the last time and started up with her yet again. This time - I said to myself - 'if it happens again - walk out and don't look back'. Well, it took about 3 or 4 months - it happened and I walked. I did not look back.
It took me about a year before I could look at myself in the mirror and not think I was some terrible human being for all of these 'things' that she found me guilty of (self-esteem issues). She had me convinced. Finally, I overcame that. After I left here, all of my friends told me that they were so happy for me for leaving. They told me they had seen it and what it did to me and wanted to tell me to 'get out', but didn't.
People - no one is deserving of this type of treatment. Verbal, physical abuse - matters little. It undermines you and how you feel about yourself. You have to break the chain.
Yes, it takes courage.
Now, too - lets be clear here what we are talking about. No - we are NOT talking about your partner occasionally making you sleep in the wet spot. Nor are we talking about leaving the cap off the toothpaste. We are talking about 'abuse' not annoyances. I am not telling you to walk out because they left the toilet seat up again.
K? | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 11/18/2006 9:39:31 AM | The thing is, most abusers don't become that way at first. They may be the perfect gentleman when you are dating. Lavish you with love and affection. If you have low self esteem, they may build you up to where you feel you are pretty special. Then you get married, and little by little they drag you down. It is very subtle. One day you wake up and wonder where your life went. You feel like an entity, not a person who was supposed to be cherished and loved. You feel you don't deserve to be loved, and that everything he has told you over the years is true. You believe the lies. Fear is the biggest reason why a victim doesn't leave, be it fear of being alone, fear of being killed or whatever. If you are with an abuser, it never gets better, only worse. You leave him, he comes crying and he seems really sorry, you go back because you feel sorry for HIM! I know, stupid, but that is what has been programmed into you.
Hopefully, one day you wake up and realize you deserve better and get out. I know I did. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/6/2007 5:43:46 AM | Well for those who know me well enough know i was in a abusive relationship for some time. Mental,verbal, emotional and physical !
when you believe everything someone says to you, it does stick in your mind, i still think about it from time to time and i`d be lying if i said i didn`t get tearful about it too.just maybe i wasn`t good enough, and no one wants me. Sometimes them words ring loud now.
Why did i stay? i was believed into thinking i couldn`t do better, i was the lowest of the low and when i did walk, like most people i got the "sorrys" " love you" "won`t do it again", and at the time you believe it.
but in the end i got up , walked and never looked back.
My family and friends saw me sinking into a pit, i knew i was unhappy but didn`t realise how i looked to other people. , i was a shadow of the person i am now.i was a mess!
So when i`m asked why i`m weary, well never want to face that again.i know the signs now, and i will walk again if i see them .nearly ruined me once, never again.
so yeah its hard, i have friends in relationships like it now-male and female!!. no one can tell you what to do and to leave , you have to do that yourself, as i tell them! we have it in us to get up and walk away.
Best thing i ever did ! life began the day i closed the door.I MADE IT! and here i am!! at last! its been hard getting back though.
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/6/2007 7:19:11 AM | | Because they are in a relationship and have a safety net versus being solo and unprotected. In some cases because they've never known any better. They'll move on when they are ready. Or will be killed by their partner. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/6/2007 7:36:13 AM | When I first married my ex-husband, he was very sweet and charming. It wasn't until after our daughter was born and he'd moved us 1500 miles away from all of my friends and family that it became a nightmare. I was told once that if I ever tried to leave and take the baby from him, they'd never find my body.
Sometimes they stay because they're scared. | |
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