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wafta
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Joined: 2/14/2007
Msg: 77 | |
| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/6/2007 8:04:01 AM | They stay because abusive men are very good at head games !!
They believe it when they're told daily that they're fat, they're ugly, they'll spend the rest of their life alone.
And they believe it, when they try to leave and they're told they'll die and their kids will go with them !! | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/6/2007 8:34:19 AM | Yourgirl answered this very thoroughly and accurately on page 1. Having lived through this with a stepfather in my teenage years, I can say "Until you've lived it, you can't understand it." Those who claim "I'd just leave...etc. etc." and are critical of victims have no idea what it is like to feel that to do so might very well result in your death.
I am continually amazed by people who have all the answers...yet they are here on POF. It seems to me that if you know it all, you would be celebrating anniversaries instead of looking for someone to date. Me...I'm still learning. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/6/2007 12:41:48 PM | well it all depends on the womens.some its cause they fell in love with guy so they love him so much that they loose themselves in the relationship i guess.they forget that the way he treat them is not love.or they have been dealing with it for so long that they begin to believe that what he says is true.
its not really easy to describe the reasons i guess.only thoses womens who are in that situation could tell u. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/6/2007 12:44:22 PM | I stayed because I was a stay at home mom with no income living in a city where I didn't know a soul. The only place I could go was the YWCA shelter and they didn't have any room for months and months and months. Luckily my family bailed me out. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/6/2007 9:22:37 PM | I stayed because I was raised that love included physical abuse. It wasn't until I discovered a pattern of choosing abusive men in my life that I sought out counseling to find out why I kept bringing them into my life. What I learned was that the physical abuse in my childhood programmed my brain to recognize these behaviors as "Love". The other part is that I was taught marriage was forever.......for better or worse......and the only socially acceptable reason to divorce was physical abuse. So while I saw the signs I was compelled to stay until he beat me.
I thank God every day that he allowed me to live long enough to change this pattern in my life before I taught my daughter the same definition of Love. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/7/2007 11:26:42 AM | Dan p13 ........from personal experience
There are many reasons why woman stay. Many people believe the it takes courage to leave and I will agree and can agree with that.... but it also takes courage to stay as well.
Woman stay because they have been abused for so long they usually suffer self confidence/self esteem issues. They may stay because they do not have finances to escape. They may stay because it is humiliating to go to friends and family and explain what they are living, have lived and ask for support and financial help to get away. They may stay because their lives have been threatened or the lives of their children. They may stay because they have children - and worry they can not make it alone. They may stay because they fear their spouse will kidnap their children. They may stay because of religious upbringing/brain washing.
Those that stay and then finally some how some way manage to leave are truly the heros of our society. Those woman, once out of the abusive situation that then are able to raise children and manage to break the cycle of abuse, and instill in their children strong self esteem and self confidence are to be honoured. And more so, those mothers, that raise sons that respect woman, that raise sons to appreciate and acknowlege woman and not repeat what their sons have seen in their home should be rewarded because it is a huge feat to accomplish.
Too many people judge a woman that stays in an abusive relationship - if you see a woman in such a relationship, extend you heart, and your help. Be gentle, be subtle if need be, but make it safe for her to confide in you. It will take some time for her to make the move that is the right one, to leave the abusive life but be patient and be there for her. The mental anguish and personal blame an abused woman keeps hidden inside of herself only those abused could really truly understand. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/20/2007 2:13:43 AM | | I dont want to call these women stupid, but eh, when u first meet a man, u can tell his whole character, by the way he treats u all the little things, and more women shoudd take self defense classes god, stop letting yourself get beatin, god damit when are men, and women going to be equal, would that be so bad, some peace enough already | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/20/2007 2:53:37 AM | let me start bt saying when i met the father of my 3 kids he was the kindest sweetest man and he hid his moods very well until i became pregnant on my first child he became verbally abusive and started drinking alot...when i had our daughter he went missing for 3 nights and i asked him where he was he broke a sweeping brush accross my back and beat me and almost choked me to death he was not the man i fell in love with..he cried like a baby and swore he would never do it again and i so wanted to believe him as this was the man i loved...things improved for awhile and then i was pregnant again on our second child we both planned her and felt it would bring us closer..how wrong i was they got alot worse...the violence and verbal abuse got worse and i was scared to leave as he said he would kill me if i did and i truly believed he would...he also said nobody would want an unmarried mother with kids and he had my self esteem battered to keep me in my place...when i went out i wasnt allowed to talk to anyone and he monitored all my phone calls yet he did as he pleased...i was constantly in fear of this man and everytime i tried to get the strength to leave the fear of what he would do to me or worse my kids took over so i stayed...9 years on things werent much better and people ask why a woman stays i can only give my reasons why i stayed...i loved this man he was my babies daddy...i thought i could change his behavior by trying to be the perfect partner...i grew up with my parents together and didnt want my kids to be without a dad....when he was good to me he was very good to me and that kept me hoping he would eventually come round....i was financially dependant on him as my kids were very young and the fear he would kill me.......well it took him to almost kill me before i had the courage to leave...he was out drinking and came home late and started on me as soon as he came through the door....i was 6 weeks pregnant with my son at this time..he pinned me up against the front door and was choking me...i could hear my 2 girls screaming and begging him to stop...that was my wake up call...my girls were my life and they saw this...it had to stop...he threw me out the door by the hair as i held my 3 year old in my arms and my 6 year old was beside me screaming i felt a punch to the back of my head...got dizzy but kept running...he punched me again..i fell to the ground and got up and kept running with my girls till 2 of my neighbours saw us and took us to safety...that was my house i ran from and was afraid to go back to...the reason im giving so much detail to this story is
a) im not ashamed to tell it
b)any women who are in the same boat as i was who think he will change....THEY DONT IT GETS WORSE NOT BETTER
c)if my story helps at least 1 person ive achieved something
d)anyone who criticises women for staying they have never walked the walk so dont talk the talk unless u know what youre on about...
from the outside now looking back all my fears were unfounded...yes it was hard to leave...its 4 years on and the last year ive only felt able to move on....as for him i got a barring order..he breached it twice then he stopped...i rang the gards everytime he showed at my door so he knew i meant business...he doesnt support the kids he told me it was all or nothing and im still fighting in the courts fot that....he has been arrested on numerous occasions and is facing prison for gbh to a man half his age....so all the time i stayed with this man this is what i have from him a big nothing....so please if u are in this situation dont waut til he almost kills you i know how hard it is to leave...and verbal abuse almost always turns to physical violence if u put up with it coz thats how it started with me....i love my kids dearly and im happy in my own company i dont have to look over my shoulder now as there is peace in my home now...and for those who think the kids dont know whats going in they do.....my eldest girl remembers alot and thanks me for leaving him and prefers it that way....the other 2 have no recollection as my younger girl was too young and my son wasnt born at that stage...and u do survive...u find a way to manage....u pray that things will get better...and u know what....it does
from the strongest woman i know.......ruth..... | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/20/2007 3:43:13 AM | 3 lovely kids and 4 years on
i still remember the day you were gone
i picked up the pieces of a violent relationship
where drink and other women were your main companionship
the bruises are now gone
but the memory still strong
my girls seen so much for innocent eyes
but my son was spared as id no longer compromise
i look at them now and have peace in my life
no longer scared or lining in strife
we have each other the violence is gone
have changed for the better theres no more wrong
you still dont support them
the drink still a priority
but we dont want your money
as our safety is majority
as each day goes by i will never regret
having my kids and ill never forget
the man i loved abused that love
but made me strong and not bitter above
the 4 years alone after 9 years of hell
made me think
and can now love again
there are no hang ups now just me and my kids
and the happiness i feel for the strength i had to leave.................. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/20/2007 11:35:47 AM | For those of you that have gotten out of abuse -- please learn to help others do the same.
For those of you who do not understand it - realize that much of it is brainwashing, ongoing abuse, fear, and desperation. In 99% of cases the victim must be removed from the environment before they can be helped. If you are not willing to help them do that -- then stop being closet psychologists.
Those who witness abuse and do nothing are just as guilty as the abuser.
Something to think about...Something to learn about...
Rescue Fish -->  | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/20/2007 11:46:08 AM | they dont crave attn of an ***hole.... its a control thing.... any type of abuse is a control thing... and i think when someone is controlling they are being abusive.... i was in an abusive relationship but after finally an AWAKENING experience i left and never talked to him again... i see him around sometimes and ya i sometimes get scared and want to run away but i just remember that i still had some strength to leave him and focus on that....
it was all types of abuse: physical, emotional, verbal, and believe it or not sexual.... its prolly hard to wonder how it could have been sexual abuse but after going to counselling and my counsellor opening up my eyes to all the things i was putting myself through.... and this was my first real long term relationship .... it was definitely an on and off relationship tho so technically not really "long term" so maybe longest 'on and off' relationship
i used to wonder the same thing about girls in abusive relationships and when i finally went through it i understood it more at a diff't personal level... they are not weak at first but after so many times they believe that he will change b/c much of the time he will convince her that she will change and it happens all over again.... its just a repeating cycle.... and if the girl isnt smart enough to leave the first time sometimes it can be pretty damaging to her....
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/20/2007 12:02:24 PM | It is not really an issue of blame when dealing with co-dependency situations. It is more often like mixing two caustic chemicals together in the same space -- which is dangerorus from the offset. We are usually talking about two people with the kind of mindsets and personalities that should never be together under one roof. As time goes on the situation gets worse -- and lines of fault can become very blurred.
Sometimes people just make bad choices.
The best solution in these situations is to remove the two parties from each other. If the damage is severe then both parties need counselling and time to heal into better people. That is the big mistake with a lot of these interventions. One party or the other refuses help as much as they clearly need it. And if the people cannot be changed -- the situation cannot be changed. Those are the most heartbreaking things to witness. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/20/2007 12:14:59 PM | mocksy25 on 6/20/2007 2 43 AM
Subject: Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Message: I dont want to call these women stupid, but eh, when u first meet a man, u can tell his whole character, by the way he treats u all the little things, and more women shoudd take self defense classes god, stop letting yourself get beatin, god damit when are men, and women going to be equal, would that be so bad, some peace enough already
ahh.... the voice of youth first impression are a lot of times BS just a mask that people show to the world even more so when it comes to the dating game | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/20/2007 12:16:51 PM | | I stayed in an horrible marriage for 43 years. One day on September 2005, I left my marriage and my job all on the same day. I was so afraid and so worried I couldnt do it on my own, and here I am 2 years later the happiest and most free I have felt in years. Life is wonderful. My second oldest daughter said to me once, No one can help you till you help yourself. How true. YOU CAN DO IT, JUST LEAVE, AND I AM LIVING PROOF. Wondered why I waited so long, dont let life pass you by. JUMP,LIVE,LOVE AND LAUGH. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/20/2007 12:28:29 PM | Because this is an illness just as drug or alcohol addiction, the woman who supports this type of abuse or beatings is just as sick as he is and the deeper she gets into the relationship the worst it becomes.
I was in one of these relationships, where for no reason whatsoever he would beat the daylight out of me, once I ended up in the emergency room of a hospital, and the most embarassing part of this story was when I woke up,( because he knocked me out cold)
I heard the doctor say"this woman was beaten up by her husband, she has a concussion and must be taken to x-ray", I couldn`t feel the right side of my face. Shame overcame me because I come from a good home where things like this didn't happen. It went on for a while until I saw the story of Lorena Bobbitt, I am sure many of you will remember her, the girl who cut off her husband's ..... and threw it away on the highway. I didn't cut it off, but whilst he was asleep I held on to it very hard, nudged him so he'll wakeup, in my right hand I had a very sharp -----, when he saw what he thought I was about to do, he cried and begged forgiveness. I felt very sorry for him, he looked so pathetic begging, fear was on the other foot now, I felt as if I had taken a heavyweight of my body. I can assure you he never ever raised his hand to hit a woman again, and changed 100 percent.
He made me lose my self esteem by inflicting fear, like I said I come from a good home and I didn't want anyone ,especially my family to know that I was a victim of violence, it was just to shameful.
I thank the Lord that I am a catholic and believe in him other wise I will have sent him to hell and spent 15 to 20 years in jail for a scum who is not worth anything.
Get out of that relationship and seek psychiatric help, because you will need it, remember you are a sick person and you will pass this on to your next partner, you are accustomedd to being abused and will do things for him to abuse you.
Hope this helps you in some way. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/20/2007 2:41:40 PM | Hi Yourgirl, I don't think I've ever read a better and more comprehensive explanation for a difficult and baffling problem.. You covered all the bases, and I hope that anyone who needs to hear your words will read them. You are very wise.
You have earned this readers great respect.
rae | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/20/2007 3:26:08 PM | im sorry but i dont agree your confidence returns after you leave....... it took me seven yrs to get back to being a person again, you get abused that much in the head then the beatings start, no family to turn to your stuck with it wots the old saying you made ya bed so sleep init........to take the plunge you have to be brave i did i took the plunge i told him i was going to get the police he was saying" go one then" i dare you.,....
so i did he was chucked out of his house while i got moved and he got 6 months including theorpy for his fistycuff ways........ im now me again but im mmore courious and im wiser for it.......: rolleyes: | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 6/21/2007 1:32:21 PM | yourgirl answered this very thoroughly and accurately on page 1.Thank you
Having lived through this with an X husband 28 years, married. Now seven FREE....... at 15 mother very ill. had a little sister did not want her to go to a foster home,so it was street or him at the time. No one ever knew. They would tell me you have Mister prefect as a husband. He was a great guy out side the home. No one knew Mr great was not so great. I can say "Until you've lived it, you can't understand it." Those who claim "I'd just leave...etc. etc." and are critical of victims have no idea what it is like.
It never really over. I now have a SON who I just found out his wife is a abusers. so It start all over. now I have to also take responsible for what I have taught him. Thank God I was able to help him start and begins of his new life. it not just woman any more. We now stand said by side and can say NO MORE.....
For anyone who in a bad relationship. There is hope. Everyday is new for me with the smile on my face, I am stronger than ever, Now I know what happy mean, TOO love life and me. and to be happy.Happy is not just a word for me.
I am continually amazed by people who have all the answers...
Me...I'm still learning. And I been there. | |
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