| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:23:07 AM | Victims do not do their parts of the follow-ups and they are right back with their abusers doing the same old same old, hoping that it will get better, hoping the abuse will go away and that they can live blissfully in the HONEYMOON PHASE.
Right on the mark. Been there and done that - barely survived yet I did obviously. And in every intervention for lack of a better word was a seed that took root. Maybe it didn't appear to make a difference at the time, but in the end - it was all a cumulative part of the process of getting out. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/6/2008 7:40:46 AM | | i was in a violent relationship for 8 yrs, it is so hard for women to get out... the men the are with are control freaks and control every bit of there lives. and make them feel worthless and that it is all there fault. i was one of the lucky ones i got out but most women cant and cant see anyway of getting out. it took me till i nearly lost my life to take my 2 girls and run. since then i have never looked back love my life now and am training to be a counciler to help women that are in that sittuation. the hardest thing for a woman to do in that situation is leave and i feel there should be more help for them to leave lillyrose. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 1/7/2008 3:32:43 AM | blahblah,
In many ways, I am like an outsider on the inside in the world of law enforcement. It often does become very depressing, because I still tend to wear my heart upon my sleeve.
I have learned to pick and choose my battles, and some people really are pretty hopeless and not worth battling over. When I was a rookie, I came into the job with the idea that if I could make a positive impact on just one person's life, then my existence on this planet made a difference. I have done that, but somehow I have still held onto that idealism even though I know I cannot save the world.
One thing that frustrates me is when a woman says that she keeps trying to break up with a boyfriend, but he won't let her! Obviously she isn't trying very hard, by taking his calls and agreeing to meet up with him.
On the other hand, I have an archive of resources that I have collected of all of the women that wind up dead when they finally make that decision to finally get away.
One man in NYC went to the bar where his girlfriend was a bartender. He had purchased a drink, then jumped over the bar and shot her, and shot her, and shot her. This was in public view and captured on surveillance video.
More often than not, people who are Victims are Victims of their own bad choices, and the help you offer to them that is available, they do not take for whatever reasons (fear, economic, for the children, self-esteem).Children are also Victims in households of abuse, and have a high propensity of becoming abusers or abusees.
Also, I learned that the APL works with animals that are Victims of dysfunctional households, to place critters in foster homes while the Victims reestablish themselves. Family pets also become Victims, and many times abusers of people are also abusers of family pets. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:06:35 AM | | Dance with the devil, the devil does't change - the Devil changes you. An abuser is not going to change, regardless of how many times they tell you..."I'm sorry for hitting you, I love you." - what a lie!!! Some women, are attracted to this behaviour it's sad but true we are all creatures of habit. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:14:08 AM | | coltonic, It is not an attraction at all..you are dead wrong. I was married to an abuser for 6 yrs. the abuser is very controlling in one way or another, threats and such. alot of woman are scared. some men will hunt you down and kill ya..even tell ya that. You mr coltonic are not the abused so you have no idea what ur talking about when you say its an attraction to some women. now you wisen up and quit saying dumb stuff. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:37:59 AM | As someone who was in a very verbally abusive marriage for a long time, I would like to answer this.
From the get-go, abusive men are very adept at making you believe you are responsible for their rages or rants. Normally these men are very loving and sweet until they have you, so when the outbursts start and they blame you or something you did, you think maybe it's true because he wasn't like that before.
So, you spend your time trying to be a better person, not *cause* the rage. Your self-esteem takes a dive, and eventually you hate yourself for not being the best person you can be and causing this otherwise loving man to be angry.
Over time you're backed into a corner so much so, there doesn't seem to be a way out. Eventually, your only hope to escape that corner is right through him. You start to realize you were NOT the reason for his reactions. You did NOTHING wrong. And, then you find a way to get out.
But there is a problem that still exists. After so long being told you were bad or responsible, and your self-esteem being that low, it takes a while to ever feel worthy again, and maybe you never will.
It took me a long time to know that I am worthy, that I am a good person and deserve to be loved with a gentle hand.
OP... don't think for one minute that we craved their attention. What we craved was love and never felt worthy of it.
Sharzi | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 10:13:17 AM | [You mr coltonic are not the abused so you have no idea what ur talking about when you say its an attraction to some women. now you wisen up and quit saying dumb stuff]
Sorry, to inform you kitty-cat...I was married for 6 years, 11 months, and 10 days and I'm a guy that had an abusive, manipulating, controlling wife. I was attracted to her when I first met her and it took 3 years into the marriage to see her real colors. Please do not tell me that I am not the abused. Now wisen up and don't assume you know me. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 11:59:34 AM | | Violence against women is shaped by a variety of social factors, at personal, situational, and social levels. But we know that this violence is more likely in contexts where manhood is defined as about dominance, toughness, or male honor. Most men don't ever use violence against their wives or girlfriends. But those men who do are more likely to have sexist, rigid, and hostile gender-role attitudes. There are higher rates of domestic violence in cultures and contexts where violence is seen as a normal way to settle conflicts, men feel entitled to power over women, family gender relations are male-dominated, husband-wife relations are seen as private, and women are socially isolated. Sexual violence is shaped by norms of a sexual double standard, victim-blaming, and the myth of an uncontrollable male sexuality. Poverty, alcoholism and drug abuse, and mental illness all are further risk factors. And violence against women also is shaped by race, class, sexuality, and other social divisions. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 12:04:23 PM | | To really stop violence against women, we will need to change the social norms and power inequalities that feed into violence. Men must join with women to encourage norms of consent, respect, and gender equality ; to challenge the unfair power relations which promote violence; and promote gender roles based on non-violence and gender justice. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 1:11:50 PM | hi just to let all those people who have been in violant relationships etc to leave before they get pregnant i was 17 when i met my ex really loved him i did, but when i turned 18 he started beating me up and forcing me to sleep with his friends etc but when i found out i was pregnant i sat on a park bench for hours thinking why me and i rang the father n he said abortion first thing i couldnt do that so i went on when i was 5 months gone we went to his friends house n becos i wouldnt have a 3 sum he beat me up his m8 chased him out of the house with a ax and we was still togeva after all sweet talk from him but wen i was 7 month gone at my folks he smacked me straight in the face for no reason which i ended up wi a black eye btw, but 8 months into it all i visited the hv and after months of not seeing her i had swollen up like a balloon and first thing they did was a protein test it turned out i had alot of protein in turned out i had pre eclampsia wen was being rushed back n forwards to hospital i realised this was due to the father so i called him talled him wat was wrong and ended it, but this all still is there in my head i now met sum1 new he only 17 but respects me etc,,, so get out whilst ya can | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 1:44:56 PM | Unfortunately, it takes two. One who gives the abuse and one who allows it to happen to them. Abusive people seek a partner with self esteem issues as they know they won't get away with such behaviour with a confident person.
I thought I was confident years ago..until I woke up last year.
In my case, I was confident going in and the verbal abuse didn't start until years later when I was "all in". I was so financially tied to our business that every time I protested, threats to take me down financially were played against me...not in so many words though... little comments about certain aspects of my features like my teeth, not being a "Pamela Anderson Look alike", etc.
I fought long and hard for my marriage and my business but it was a no win situation. I rebelled one night and didn't come home or answer my phone (48 missed phone calls) but it was okay for him to do it on a weekly basis. So he tells me last March that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Sure I was upset..but I quickly warmed up to the thought of life without him in it..so I was all for it. What I didn't realize was that it was another control tactic to keep me in line but it worked against him. I was fed up with him sucking the life out of me. By the end of May, we were still split up living under the same roof and I was standing my ground. We went to the doctor's office together as a last resort as he was telling me that there was something wrong with him...some reason why he'd get hyper and very nasty then become quite pitiful... so, two doctors appts. later, he's diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (from both). Amazing that it can run in a family so rampant and you don't find out until seven years later. So I try to help him get on his meds, I'm reading every book on the subject under the sun, contacting support groups that are no help whatsoever and try to be the "good wife" to get him help so we can live a normal life.
The end of July I'm ready to leave the office and get a phone call from the husband of the woman he's been having an affair with since the night I "strayed" and I call it quits for good. I calmly wait until he gets home, make him dinner and tell him that this time it's over. Let me tell you, abusive controlling people can get very dangerous when they lose control. You're playing with fire. My ex became suicidal and threatened to take me out with him, which ultimately led to a 911 call in the early hours of the morning when he came home drunk and irate and threatened to kill me if I left him. I lived in fear trying to get out but stood my ground and let me tell you....it was a fight to stay sane.
There are excellent counselling services out there to help people in the situation that I was in. Resulting in identifying what had happened, how it happened and why I allowed it to happen to me. I went in confident and secure, and ended it in fear, but I came out on top. No amount of money or success is worth settling for let alone allowing yourself to be abused for.
A year later, the restraining order and probation officer keep him from harassing me after work hours. If he really was going to kill me, nothing would have stopped him. Not only did I survive him, I still have to face him on a daily basis at the office. His constant begging to get back together. The sad thing is that he still thinks that I left because of the affair - not the abuse. Denial? Perhaps. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:01:30 PM |
It is not an attraction at all..you are dead wrong. I was married to an abuser for 6 yrs. the abuser is very controlling in one way or another, threats and such.
Actually, you're wrong but not for the reasons you suspect. You are attracted to an abusive personality but you're simply not aware of it. Few rational women walk out the front door in the morning saying "wow, I really wish I could a find someone to abuse me". It's not quite that simplistic. If that was the case, no woman would be abused. If you were in an abusive relationship for that long, you didn't see it coming, you didn't acknowledge it when you did see it and you didn't do anything about it until it got to be too much to bear. But believe it or not, you DID seek that out without ever realizing it.
Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Fear, lack of self-esteem, not appreciating yourself, feeling you deserve it or don't deserve better. There's a variety of reasons women get into and don't get out of those relationships. The abused always enables the abuser. The abuser couldn't abuse if he didn't find someone to go along with the program. Now that fear can be a real factor. But, there are always avenues of escape if you're courageous enough to make the move.
Even better: Why does anyone abuse anyone in the first place?
Their way of relating to women is to control them. They can only do that by verbal, physical and/or emotion abuse or some mix of all of it. But those attitudes invariably come from the way they're raised. If they have an abusive father, that's the way they see a "normal" relationship so, as an adult, they go out and seek women who'll go along with the (his) program. It's a pretty simple dynamic and it's all around in varying degrees. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:23:11 PM | My ex boyfriend was verbally and physically abusive, i stayed for almost 7 years.....why?? Because he was manipulative, he knocked the confidence out of me. It started slowly and crept up on me until i believed that what he was saying was true. I believed that i really was so ugly, fat, stupid and unworthy of love that i was lucky to have him. He arranged us to move to another country, i thought i was in love i was 16 when we moved and away from everyone and everything i knew i felt i had no one else.
Eventually a guy that lived next door befriended me after he had to listen to yet another verbal attack on me and after a few months of his help and building up my confidence i realised i deserved better. Took me far too long but i got there in the end........ And i've still got that guy that helped me as one of my best friends. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:17:19 PM |
Family pets also become Victims, and many times abusers of people are also abusers of family pets
Very true. Nothing and no one escapes the effects of abuse. That's one reason I first look to see how people treat their pets because it's a strong indicator of how they'll treat people.
i thought i was in love i was 16[/quote[ Good grief. Getting married at 16? Anyone who marries at age 16 really needs to have their head examined. I've got socks that old. NO ONE is mature enough or experienced enough at that age to know what they hell they're doing. How sad. And i've still got that guy that helped me as one of my best friends. You got lucky. Very lucky. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:02:28 PM | I admit that I was once verbally abusive in a relationship. If we were having dinner at a good restaurant and she ordered the wrong wine, I'd be like "you're embarassing me" and give her a bad look.
If she bragged about how good she looked, I'd hiss "get over yourself" or something like that.
She stuck around because of the sex and the reputation of being my girlfriend, that's it. | |
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