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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 9:19:49 AM | i still contend women are attracted to these horrible guys. i seriously doubt they changed for the worse overnight. there was something edgy about the guy that drew the woman to him and they'll just keep saying he was so nice in the beginning. look at my prior post where i made the remark that if a man is judged well in advance of a kiss and head not in the clouds, women should be able to avoid most of these guys - sure some would turn, but there's something within their character that could ahve been spotted earlier if she wasn't obsessed in something she admired so much in the man.
we could talk and talk about specifics but unless women want to step up and tell other women what to watch out for, the cycle will continue. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 9:23:46 AM |
never judge until you have walked in my shoes. 
That is the bottom line, isn't it? Whatever actions that were necessary for you to get away from your abuser were specific to your situation. No two situations are the same as no two people are precisely the same. For that reason alone, no one but you is qualified to judge your actions and your choices relative to your situation.
Kitten:
If I ever saw a man in a shelter hiding out from a woman I think I would laugh my ass off.
Thank you for so eloquently illustrating my point about the viciousness of a woman's tongue much better than I ever could. Actually, to find humor in anyone else's devastating circumstances on the fact alone that the victim happens to be a man is a classic example of verbal/mental if not also emotional abuse. I have no doubt that the male victims of partner abuse would concur and the female survivors who have progressed through their healing would have the sensitivity and personal memory of how it felt to them when their male abusive partners thrived on their fear and how their abusers laughed at them too.
him in a shelter hiding from woman of all things would make him look like a pu$$y so to speak simply becuase he is so much stronger. my point has finally been made.
No, your point has not been made at all. Yet you have certainly revealed yourself via your own words to be the sort of woman the better caliber of men would be well advised to avoid. In your eyes such a man in those circumstances might be a "pu$$y", but not in my eyes and certainly not in the eyes of many others following this thread. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 9:59:48 AM |
I fullly agree with ya coltonic and why do u think that is? becuase the man is alot stronger than the woman and can handle himself quite easily. him in a shelter hiding from woman of all things would make him look like a pu$$y so to speak simply becuase he is so much stronger. my point has finally been made. thank u coltonic.
Wait a second, I never agreed with you Kitty-Cat and your point is not made. Little is currently known about the actual number of men who are in a domestic relationship in which they are abused or treated violently by their female partners. Few incidents are reported to police, and data is limited. Feminists' groups and some scholars believe that battered women are indeed a social problem worthy of attention there is massive data that battered men are a real problem. Each year there are over 3.2 million cases of men being assaulted by their intimate partner. Advocates have theorized that the increase could be due, in part, to the profession of the male victim. For example, many men work for the federal government, police agencies, military, or other jobs that may require some kind of security clearance. Due to the sensitive nature of the jobs, perhaps they are afraid that protecting themselves physical or legally could cause the loss of their jobs. Male victims are often ashamed that others will perceive them as weak or less of a man. There is also a belief that the police will not take the allegation seriously or that they (the man) will be arrested because "only men" are the abusers. Research shows that men may be more afraid to testify against a woman for fear of being laughed at by his friends, co-workers, and other women. For the record, I did not agree with you at all!  | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 10:03:47 AM | Yes my point was made
men are stronger than women and do not need anyone to defend them especialy from a woman. they can defend themself ..thats why they dont go to a shelter becuase it would look stupid and they know it. and for your information I do NOT hit men. I think a woman who does that is truely unstable , maybe even mental. adults should act like adults. if u dont like it then leave.
no one is denying women abuse men. i have never siad they dont . that is not even in question. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 10:04:31 AM | (quote) i still contend women are attracted to these horrible guys. i seriously doubt they changed for the worse overnight. there was something edgy about the guy that drew the woman to him and they'll just keep saying he was so nice in the beginning. look at my prior post where i made the remark that if a man is judged well in advance of a kiss and head not in the clouds, women should be able to avoid most of these guys - sure some would turn, but there's something within their character that could ahve been spotted earlier if she wasn't obsessed in something she admired so much in the man.
we could talk and talk about specifics but unless women want to step up and tell other women what to watch out for, the cycle will continue
I can say that for me, I was 16 when I started dating my then 21 yr old ex husband. And he was charming/handsome/caring/protective. A total Alpha male, and yes I guess the tall dark and handsome man was my downfall.
On that note though, of the four long term relationships I have had he was the only man who ever physically abused me. No other man has ever raised a hand to me.
Not to say that I did not end up with another controlling man, I did, but had learned to see the signs much more quickly, before i was married and had pro-created with the individual.
On another note, I have seen men who are abused by woman.. and yes this does happen, abuse of any kind is wrong and these ppl who are abusers have statiscally been found to have been abused. It is about control.... not love. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 10:17:27 AM |
i still contend women are attracted to these horrible guys. i seriously doubt they changed for the worse overnight. there was something edgy about the guy that drew the woman to him and they'll just keep saying he was so nice in the beginning.
This is not true at all, and ideas like this help perpetuate domestic violence and the belittling of its survivors and their stories. Nearly all abusers only become abusive in the home, or in private with their victims. To the outside world, they are often hard working, respectable, friendly and kind. This makes it even harder for the victims to come forward; their abusers have such a split personality that no one takes them seriously when they try to get help. Furthermore, many abusers do not become abusive until the relationship is "sealed," often with a marriage. When so many abusers are able to play Jekyll and Hyde, it is normal for them to suddenly change "for the worse overnight." Many women are shocked when the nice guy they knew pre-marriage becomes cruel and heartless afterwards. As for the crazy idea that women are drawn to something "edgy" about an abuser, I doubt that is true for the majority. Sure there are some "edgy" girls who like a "bad boy," but there are many more decent woman who aren't. I know for a fact that my husband was completely easy going and laid back. He was the farthest thing from "edgy." He was shy, nerdy, responsible, quiet and willing to wait on me hand and foot. I felt like I was living in an alternate reality when he started becoming abusive. It seemed like it wasn't even the same guy, and I still feel like I was married to two different people. I definitely was NOT looking for "edgy" and if I had noticed ahead of time, I would have left immediately. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 10:21:02 AM | i don't get the dating at age 16 stuff, but i suppose that's normal in spite of it being so young in a complicated world...if life was simple as in 1850, i'd be all for 16 yr olds gettign it on.
so looking back, you (and others) must have been drawn into the character of a man that was predisposed to abuse.
let's hear more details. did the guy seem powerful among friends. did he brag about gettig over on others? did he have soem criminal acitivity? did he do drugs? was he a drinker? did he show off in some ways? was he feared by others?
women need to be armed with lots of understanding about men. most men are bad and unless women correct their decison-making, men will remain the way they are. if women chose among the few guys who are worthy, the rest would follow, but as bad behavior is accepted and even admired by women, it eoncourages men to behave poorly.
** for the post just above, there would be guys who have apparent hidden character, but it could be found out. women could ask the probing questions, but if in love why would she? a guy who is bent on being leftout or in some way slighted should also be looked at, and a woman should not draw her conclusions so fast just from that, she'd also have to see how high his morals are, for if he's extremely righteous (and not the phoney bolonga christian righteousness stuff) and aims high for fairness, then he's less apt to do it. See how much respect he has for the animate and inanimate. See how the guy handles diffult situations- and a woman can't be bitchy to egg him on...she has to see if there's something that causes him to explode in a horible way, and also discern if he'd be just take it out on himself or others. If you hear of his past relationships where maybe he got kicked in the groin and didn't touch the woman after, such things would be good for a woman's knowledge. there is a way in most cases to figure this stuff out but it requires being analystical and when did women become experts in analytical stuff at a young age?
if women would not kiss for a while and figure out the guy, and do not even consider dating when so young, lots of this could be avoided. i don't buy the guy just changed stuff. it was in him and it wasn't noticed.
AND THE BOTTOM LINE: leave after a short period of time, like within months, NOT YEARS if abuse happens. Stay at someone else's house for a short time if necessary and see if a change occurs..if drastic, LEAVE! forget all the love crap. who's fooling who? | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 10:22:42 AM | | I havent been in one but I know someone who has. She stayed with him for 5 years. He constantly made fun of her in front of his friends and coworkers. She took it silently. Maybe cause she was overweight and thought no one else would want her, and im sure her confidence level wasnt the greatest. Finally she dumped his ass cold and he freaked and kept telling her how much he loved her and not to leave him. Thank God she finally had the guts to pick up the pieces and move on to someone who deserves her. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 10:26:41 AM | CUZ THE DUMB ASSES LOVE THE BEATEN COMMON SENSE WILL TELL U NEXT TIME WONT BE A NEXT TIME AND ULL END UP DEAD SO ALL U WOMEN WHO R IN THAT TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP AND SAY CUZ U LOVE HIM  WELL SORRY TO BUST UR BUBBLE BUT THAT AINT LOVE SOMEONE WHO LOVES U WONT PUT THEIR HANDS ON U THEY HAVE SOME KIND OF RESPECT FOR U.U LADIES WHO R IN A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THAT, U NEED   LIKE I SAID U HAVE A CHANCE NOW AND MAYBE NEXT TIME U WONT BE SO LUCKY. SO THINK ABOUT IT. ARE U WORTH LIVING FOR ? HELL YEA U R, WELL DEW SUMTHING ABOUT IT AND GET THE F**K OUT | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 11:00:06 AM | Coltonic - you hit on critical points in your statements below:
Each year there are over 3.2 million cases of men being assaulted by their intimate partner. Advocates have theorized that the increase could be due, in part, to the profession of the male victim. For example, many men work for the federal government, police agencies, military, or other jobs that may require some kind of security clearance. Due to the sensitive nature of the jobs, perhaps they are afraid that protecting themselves physical or legally could cause the loss of their jobs. Male victims are often ashamed that others will perceive them as weak or less of a man. There is also a belief that the police will not take the allegation seriously or that they (the man) will be arrested because "only men" are the abusers. Research shows that men may be more afraid to testify against a woman for fear of being laughed at by his friends, co-workers, and other women.
All valid, Coltonic... Different fears from what we women face, in part I would venture to say due to how the male/female roles in relationship have been defined for centuries. Although the roles have transitioned somewhat, still those former expectations as well as perceptions have not balanced out.
[men]do not need anyone to defend them especialy from a woman.
As you are not a man, how can you possibly speak to what they need or don't need? Actually, thus far the men are doing quite well speaking up on their own behalf about what represents barriers to them when in an abusive relationship. It's unfortunate that even the concept that a man may find himself in a safe house situation is laughable to you. There are many ways to "hit" a person, Kitten. Evidently that point escapes your understanding at this point in your life. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 11:15:16 AM | Quote : i don't get the dating at age 16 stuff, but i suppose that's normal in spite of it being so young in a complicated world...if life was simple as in 1850, i'd be all for 16 yr olds gettign it on.
First off what in the world ever gave you the impression we were getting it on at 16. And I am sorry but I was born in the sixties and dating at sixteen is not unusal.
He had tons of friends, he was always the guy that would drop anything to help someone in need. He was kind, and fun. It was the drinking that brought out the evil abusive side.
He was wonderful during our courtship which lasted several years. Very caring, romantic sweet affectionate.
It was after as he put it, I was bought and paid for(married) that the true self was shown to me.
Oh and I will never forget the words, I got you when I you were young and trainable.
Yes, admittedly I was not worldy, had not dated a lot. But we dated for three years before we got married and my best friend turned into my worst nightmare.
And it all happened so gradually that I did not really realize what was happening. Now, after the fact and threw counseling I can see the signs a mile away.
And for those who think I am jaded/bitter or whatever from this experience, I left his sorry ass in 89, spent several years in counseling for both myself and my children as they also were victims in what they witnessed their father do to their mother.
I don't jump from relationships and have not been in one in several years. Been much too busy with work and raising my children.
Your narrow mindedness on this issue is astounding to say the least.
Maybe you should volunteer at a crisis line and learn some empathy. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 11:59:41 AM | kittenshere41, im sorry to hear about those 6 yrs no one should ever have to go thru that.
In general most men r stronger then women, however if that man was raised with respect for all women.
strength no longer becomes a factor.
The man may walk away as the women is beating on him. but what about the children he leaves behind with this out of control person.
There is only one time that i have ever restrained a women, she was unharmed . I would do it again too.
In a rage this mother was holding the boy by the hair and with her fist beating this 5yr old boy for farting, Yelling at him that he was not going to be like his dad. I went over to her and asked her to stop, her reply was." hes my child i can do whatever the hell i want to." I took her down and held her till she was safe.
weather man or women we should always protect the week, if we are able.
kitten why didn't u move away? i do understand fear but to blame him for staying there, is giving him more power then he has. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 12:06:43 PM | :) you answered though with some hostility. the answer was not fully elucidating but was clear enough to see there was advance knowledge despite the license of marriage to justify in his tainted view.
the thread is not about you though I am encouraging you and other abused women to say something that can actually be helpful to the younger women to help them avoid the problems. i am still hoping women will look really deep into the men before hand AND be at an age of maturity before dating. i was born in the 60's as well, and some did date at 16, but even if all did, it would not make it justified. At age 16 and being with a 21 year old may be normal to your ideals but it's not for many. In general so it's not about you speicifcally, I will state that for any girl of age 16 to be with a MAN of age 21 while we are not in some past generation of a simple life is a great difference. The age difference is great enough to not discount the fascination with an older man as a flimsy reason of having a relationship and power was likely given unto the older man. We live in a complex world now and more must be learned to cope with it before making decisions of a mature nature.
I sure wish I could mandate that people could not date until age 21 but that would be so much against everyone's idea of their inalienable right to procreate or do anything else they want regarding their sexuality, even if it means having a higher risk of children being in a one-parent family.
I was the run-to guy for women to cry about their men. From hearing how a guy threw a large rock through a windshield of a gal's car while she was in it, to a guy bringing a woman flowers each time after he beat her up, and just so much. it's like the women keep hanging around the guys for more abuse. It annoys me that women allow men to do such things and pretty much let them get away with it. why won't they run to their parents for help right away? Or is it an extension from being a teen girl where she thinks she has the world by the nuts and she knows better than her own parents and all of her actions are right in her eyes and so when anything goes wrong she won't admit to it and won't let anyone know that she made a mistake???
So how about some women leaving out lots of the extraneous stuff and just simply state their attraction to such guys and a well-thought out analysis of why you failed to investigate well, react sooner, and whatever else that could have prevented any lengthy abuse? | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 12:43:05 PM | Beyond human,
Obviously you do not read what is written. Or maybe you skim it and only read what you want to see.
If you had read my return post to your question.
For one thing I never said it was NORMAL to date @ 16. I said it was not UNUSAL!!!!
For another I told you that until we were married he was sweet as could be and until that time I had not seen his behaviour while he was drinking as I was not old enough to drink and he did not do that around me.
I also left him several times, and yes I tried going to friends and family who he threatened.
I felt obligated by the bonds of matrimony(till death do us part, love honour obey) to try to make the marriage work.
When I came to the realization that he had issues not me, and that they would not change, I packed up two suitcases left all my possessions behind and took my kids and fled and hid, not even my best friends or family knew where we were. Yet, he still managed to find me.
It took restraining orders/court dates and many other things to finally get my divorce.
And b/c Canada eliminated any grounds for divorce other then living separetley and apart for over a year that is how I finally was able to get my freedom from my marriage.
Signs to look out for...
Overly protective
Worships you
slowly but surely eliminates all friends and family from your life.
Tells you they are jealous of what you have
Treats you as a trophy/possession
Always blames you for his failings
Do men or woman for that matter always show who they are, not at all. There are parts of me that are buried so deeply that even those that are close to me don't know them.
It's like when I speak to someone on here and they want to meet very quickly I say no I would rather we talk this way for a bit so we can get a sense of who each other is, they then stop talking to me. Or they want to know where I live, and when I won't tell them they stop talking to me.
One day I may or may not meet a man who can love me for me and I can do the same back and we can go threw the trials and tribulations of life together and still wake up every morning smiling b/c we are together. Then again maybe not...but I don't give up hope, nor do I stop my life waiting with baited breath hoping some knight in shinning armour will come to my rescue, I don't need to be rescued I rescued my self and my children long ago, I want a partner in life. A friend a confident, not a dictator. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 1:20:08 PM |
Nearly all abusers only become abusive in the home, or in private with their victims. To the outside world, they are often hard working, respectable, friendly and kind. This makes it even harder for the victims to come forward; their abusers have such a split personality that no one takes them seriously when they try to get help
I agree. My sisters EX was totally awesome. I really looked up to the guy.
Furthermore, many abusers do not become abusive until the relationship is "sealed," often with a marriage.
I think in my sisters case it was pregnancy...
He was shy, nerdy, responsible, quiet and willing to wait on me hand and foot. I felt like I was living in an alternate reality when he started becoming abusive
This has been my experience as well...in what I've seen in friends boyfriends who turned abusive. Although I do agree that a lot of women who do land in abusive relationships are attracted to the overly aggressive male, maybe that is just my own experience. My sister was never really into the bad boy, he boyfriends were always athletes or car junkies, etc.
I said this in an earlier thread, but I think education for both sides is what is needed...
Men need to learn at an early age it's not right to hurt their girl friends and women need to learn to leave ASAP and seek restraining orders and accept that it's over and move on. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 1:56:52 PM | Very old saying "Treat them mean and keep them keen"
Treating a woman too nice makes her think she is too good for you.
She also thinks you are boring.
Women want the excitement they see on Coronation street and Eastenders. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 2:13:19 PM | | your full of shit harrabyman. men who treat women nice are not boring at all nor does it make us think we are too good for them. what i wnat to know is what are u smoking over there to say such a stupid thing. the men who treat woman poorly are not worth my time. so if u wnat to say someting that stupid can u please not make it sound like all women, because its not. here is a theory maybe ur way of thinking is why u are still single. at your age...49..you would think u would have grew a brain by now. Your post goes to show some men never mature. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 3:55:19 PM | | its usually better to stick with what you know over dealing with a whole new pile of crapola which might be much larger than your current pile of crapola. Or if you're like me, you just walk away from whoever and hide under a rock so you can think about the idiot you're nuts about and wonder why he's got you wrapped around his little finger. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 5:13:28 PM | beyondhuman....
I guess you've never been in an abusive relationship or you wouldn't be saying that women are attracted to these horrible guys. They aren't horrible at first. At first, they are kind, gentle, loving, caring. You get sucked up into the romance and love and then slowly a little thing happens here or there. You think at first, it must have just been stress or something he's dealing with and went overboard. Then it snowballs and it becomes a crazy roller coaster of love and hate, rage and gentleness. By that point he's already worked very hard to make you believe you are the cause of these outbursts because after all, he's not like that with anyone but you.
In my case, my ex had mental issues that his entire family hid from me. He worked very hard not to show it to me at all. I had no idea that he was being abusive to his mother. On my wedding night I got the shock of my life and the next day, he genuinely did not remember having done what he did. I just kept thinking I must have done something very wrong because for the past 2 years he had been absolutely the best, most wonderful man I'd ever known. So, since he was telling me it was me that caused it, I began to believe maybe I did.
After what I'd been through, any guy now who even smacks of having the slightest temper, and he's SO gone. If I was attracted to that, I wouldn't be turning them away.
Sharzi | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 6:34:04 PM | | angelheart, dont be niave . you dont have to be a man to know a man is by far much stronger than a woman and does not need help to protect himself from a woman. if a man cant handle a woman than he is beyond weak. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 6:45:16 PM |
angelheart, dont be niave
LOL...oh child...you have so much yet to learn in your own journey. Your subjective judgments show the world who is truly naive, and beyond naive even unteachable at this stage in your life. Let's call a detante...shall we?
I find the thread topic immeasurably more interesting than having someone's jaded beliefs divert attention from the topic.  | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 7:19:43 PM | | well ms angelheart, why dont u go fight a man and if ur still alive you just come back and tell me who won ok. until then u really have nothing further to add if downing me is all u can do esp when im right and ur wrong. at your age of 52 you should be wiser than u appear to be. by the way, make it with somene ur age so the figth is fair. guarantee ya... you will lose. as far as answering the question, i alreayd have. women dont leave due to fear. | |
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| Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?
Posted: 5/20/2008 7:50:30 PM | [Why does'nt he get a grip on his abusive behavior? Why does'nt he get counseling]
There are many men who do not feel that their behavior is abusive. Also, they feel that it is the victims fault that he abused her/him. That's most likely why they don't seek help. They don't have a problem or so they think) their victim does. After all, if their mate just did as they were told, stopped nagging, ect.ect. then things would be just fine. | |
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