| Single moms...
Posted: 7/14/2006 11:46:24 PM | **I believe that a child should be brought into a family where there are two parents. My ex and I have a son and he is very active in our son's life, as am I. I don't see any reason short of being in prison or needing to be in prison, to keep a child away from their father.**
This part here "needing to be in prison" is exactly why I now keep him away from my girls. The man was a pedifile, which I found out too late and after my girls were born. The girls were born into a two parent family, it was after that that it became a one parent family.
The thought of my children being molested sends shivers down my spine and causes my fists to clench.
Is it so bad of me now to keep him away?
The authorities never did anything about him even though myself and others tried to bring him to their attention.
But that is in the past. I said I wasn't trying to bash anyone here. I would have liked to have a two parent family for my girls but it wasn't to be. Maybe it will now because now I'm looking and the girls aren't completely out of my house yet. Maybe they will get to have a father figure, I don't know yet. But I'm not going to force that on some guy, that choice is up to him if he wants and my girls if they want, all I want is for them all to get along.
To the OP: I agree that what the woman you knew did was wrong. If she wanted a child so badly she should have gone for artificial insemination not hit some pour nameless guy up. I can only hope that 1. He enjoyed it and 2) she never goes after him for paternety because she made her choice by herself, I think from your post, without his agreement. That in itself is wrong. Everyone should be able to make their own choice about something so important as a new life and not be conned, sucker or duped into it. | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/15/2006 12:59:46 AM | just43,
I think that it's important for children to have both a male and female role model in their lives. Obviously, I think that a mom and dad who are married to each other in a loving, supportive, mutually respecful marriage is optimal. But this is not the society we live in, unfortunately.
I have two little girls. And as much as I would love to be able to have my stbxh out of my life, it's not going to happen. At least until the girls are 18+. We have chosen to remain in the same community, (so far) and both be involved in their activities and school events.
My daughters just left for a two week vacation with their dad, and his gf.
They love him dearly, and despite my anger at him, I recognize the need for the girls to have him in their lives. Hopefully, this will help them ease through the transition in our family. | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/15/2006 10:20:54 AM | When I got married I had hopes and dreams of getting married, having a family and living happily ever after. Unfortunately life is not a fairytale. I never planned on divorce. I never went into my marriage thinking it would ever end in divorce. Coming from divorced parents myself and not having much of a relationship with my father I wanted more for my child. You often hear that you always marry someone like your father - I thought I had lucked out. That I had found someone who was NOT like my father. Unfortunately - he turned out over time to be just like my father. It lasted six years. I had to make the difficult decision of staying in the situation and being miserable or getting out. I got out. My daughter was the main reason why I got out. She deserved better. Better than being in a house with two parents who were tolerating each other. I have pretty much raised my daughter on my own. He has seen her twice for about two hours total since December 2004. Mind you he lives less than 10 minutes from us. He pops in and out of her life and makes promises he never keeps. The last time he saw her I had to all but beg him to see her because she was crying to see him. A few weeks after he saw her he called asking me to sever his parental rights. I refused. Now- nine months later he has popped back up wanting to play daddy again. My daughter is 9. The last year and a half has been hell for her. She couldnt understand why he wouldnt see her - why he didnt include her in his life. I have never kept her from her father but at what point do you say enough is enough? How much heartache does she have to endure? A month ago she asked me to change her last name to my maiden name (I changed mine back after the divorce.) saying that having her fathers name only made her sad. Before now he would call and she would talk to him. Now she freaks if the phone rings. She doesnt want to talk to him. He now wants to see her and she doesnt want to see him. She agreed to writing letters. He has written her about four times in the last month - she wrote back once. The other day I asked if she was going to write him back and her response was "im too busy". Do I wish things were different? Yes. I do think that its important for a child to have strong male and female roles in their life. Im lucky that my mom and my step dad are there to be the "other parent" to her. Its not your stereo typical family but its our family.
I personally use birth control. I know its not 100% fool proof. Right now Im not sure I want another child. Some days I dont - some days I do. I didnt choose to be in a sucky marriage - it just turned out that way. Did I choose to get out of it? Yes. Would I purposely choose to be a single parent? Hell no. While I love my daughter more than life itself - being a single parent is NOT a picnic. If I were to get pregnant - I would accept it and deal with it. Would I do it to catch a man? HELL NO! Why would I want to be with someone who only wants to be with me because I have his child? I want someone who wants me. Who wants to be with me. Could I raise a child on my own again? Damn straight I could. Would i want to? No. | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/15/2006 10:41:57 AM | Going back to the original question..I don't believe it's wrong for a person (male OR female) to decide to have a child as a single parent. With the state of the family unit as it is today, I strongly believe that if a child is well-loved and nurtured by one parent, they have a more solid foundation than some children being brought up in some two-parent homes. Who are we to decide who should or shouldn't be parents? Being a parent is a lifelong commitment, and one that shouldn't be taken lightly..if a person feels they are ready to do so, then more power to them.
Ideally a child would have a strong and stable two-parent family...sadly in today's society, that's becoming more and more a rarity rather than the norm. The woman in question is at least not settling for some half-baked relationship that will surely blow up with the addition of a child, raising the child in the strife that kind of situation can cause. She's made the decision to go it alone. | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/15/2006 4:22:48 PM | | Of course they need both parents, further under the same roof! However, too few people understand, much less care, about what having children entails; it's called sacrifice, family, dedication; "not" my career, independence, and everything else that's leading us all down the 70% diovorce rate road. Pretty soon, all will just be so oppressive that we'll just have a place to drop em off, so the state can raise them... | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/16/2006 12:23:06 AM | | I guess at the rate of rising divorces, pretty soon most kids will come from a broken family and it will be considered normal. I wonder if in the future kids WITH a strong family unit will actually end up with psychological problems..." Ha, ha.. your mom and dad are still together... how weird"... | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/16/2006 3:08:01 AM | no sorry a child doesnt need both parents
all a child needs is a good safe stable loving home life and that child will have a good start in life
having both parents really wont help as you can do the above on your own or with the support of a partner it will make zero difference in all honesty | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/16/2006 9:52:56 PM | | i dont know who you think you are and i dont really care . im tired of hearing that kids needs both parents . i have three children who havent seen or heard from there mother in almost 6 years . i am single and i choose to be that way . are you trying to say that im selfish becouse i havent chose to bring another women into my kids lives ? well let me tell you a thing or two . i had to give up alot for my children and i didnt mind it a bit . my children are very happy and all three rank in the top of there class . there sport oriented and they will offer a hand to anyone who might need it . just yesterday they made my neighbor some icetea and went over there and helped them weed there garden . my kids are very happy having me as there dad and they never ask about there mom . ONE GOOD PARENT IS BETTER THAN TWO PARENTS WHO THINK THE KNOW IT ALL . | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/16/2006 9:56:37 PM | Some interesting insight here.
~OT~ As for post #1, first ~ she is not here to give her side of this story ~ so assuming it might be true, all I can say is that she is one screwed up chic. Not because she wanted a child and did it in a totally bizarre manner, but because she told anyone about what she allegedly did. Sounds to me like she figured that was either a good way to stay out of the OPs life (yes, people make up excuses all the time that aren't true or logical) or she is wanting attention in a big way. Either way ~ she's not here to discuss it ~ so we'll never really know.
As for the original question. Hmmmm. First of all, yes ~ in a perfect world, all children would be raised by their biological mothers and fathers. But ~ we all know, it's not a perfect world. I left my son's sperm donor when my son was 12 days old. Did I want to raise my son in the company of a wife beater...probably not a good idea. Should I have had a child with him...probably not. But, I did and it was my responsibility from that point forward to stop worrying about me and start worrying about someone else. I never looked back. I did it by myself for over 8 years. My son was adopted by the man in my life and a year after that, we married. Whether or not anyone agrees, I can honestly say ~ my son is a great kid. He was raised in an environment with no arguing, no bickering, no fighting, no hostility and no woman haters. My raising him alone was the best thing that happened in our lives. When my marriage began to fail, I stayed for two years out of guilt. He hadn't had a father for 8 years and there I was, going to put him right back in that situation. The marriage was so miserable that I finally just couldn't do it anymore. It wasn't a week when my son came in and thanked me for finally putting an end to the whole ordeal. He was nearly 14 then and to this day ~ he has not lacked for stability, support, love, material possessions or education. I don't buy into this whole theory of kids "needing" two parents. Kids need attention, quality time, education, and stability. The rest is an added bonus. My ex and I are best friends ~ why is that? Because we both put our son first. We did not talk trash about one another nor did we put him in the middle of our issues. It is possible to raise a productive member of society in a one parent household ~ anyone that says different is viewing life from a bitter position. Most likely a position of anger for some reason. I personally, have watched many of my married friends raise completely screwed up kids ~ it happens both ways. It's all in how you choose to do it. (And kudos to all the single parents here ~ the toughest job any of us will do.)  | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/16/2006 10:04:56 PM | | i just think its sad that people like you read a pamplet or a book and think you know it all. In reality the person who wrote the pamplet or the book probly dont have children of there own . | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/16/2006 10:28:21 PM | | Sly ???? Are you meaning me? Or did I miss something??? I'm on your side if you did mean me. Hmmm ??? | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/16/2006 10:41:01 PM | ^^^I'm thinking "Sly" is talking about someone else ... his message #33 above yours was excellent ... shows a very caring "single" dad who knows the value of being able to provide well for his children as a "single" parent.
Hats off to you Sly ...  | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/16/2006 11:28:16 PM | | sorry i wasn't talking about you Verygreeneyez . i was talking about just 43 . he acts as if a kid does not have both parents that they will have psycholigical problems . i think he has been reading to many books. sorry for the misunderstanding verygreeneyez. and thank you for the compliment cotter . | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/16/2006 11:32:08 PM | I, too, in my single days have seen girls desperate wanted to have a baby. In many cases they got married because a baby was on the way. Hm ... I felt different and even when I found the man who became my star on horizon, having child/ren never was a prime matter in my/our lives.
I do joke that our child was conceived on Italian pasta and red wine (skiing holiday) and although for me prospect of being a single mum was a 'horror' scenario, well ... one can master whatever situation is facing (to his/hers best abilities) but deep down I do believe that every child needs both genders, mum & dad ... balance. | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/17/2006 12:19:18 AM | traipsing through the forums..knuckles dragging how appropriate. Your southern descent into decline. I know your just here for the forums..not looking to date, ha ha..stumbled on this one as I am a single mother. I think the lady you mentioned made a choice and perhaps she did not want to give birth to a knuckle dragging, average, I am man, little bundle of??
I really can't imagine that ignorance is truly bliss.
a strong family unit comes from within the family. However many family members that it entails. | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/17/2006 4:29:59 PM | | I think thats her decision to make. I know that I have four daughters, I have rasied them alone because their father was violent and abusive. No one wants a woman with four kids at least not that I have met. I love my children with all my heart and I guess that will have to be enough for me. Maybe she was lonely and wanted to leave a part of herself behind no matter what the cost. I think my kids are strong, independant and opinionated because they only had me. I am proud of them and what they have become. I hope she was the best mother she could be. | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/17/2006 4:54:03 PM | So what if the father wants custody of that child? does he still have no say in it?
Why does society say that the Mother 'owns' the child and the man has no parental rights?
=============================
Stankie
Welcome welcome welcome
Hang around and talk to us.
Most of what youve just said is a man haters bluff that you have fallen for. Guys like you THINK that the mother owns the child and half the guys fall for it and never dispute custody.
But hang around these board and just see the sheer number of single dads who have FULL custody. Lots of dedicated dads in here. | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/17/2006 4:57:23 PM | This part here "needing to be in prison" is exactly why I now keep him away from my girls. The man was a pedifile,
===================
What KIND of pedophile Shrike??
Youve herad the old double standard that a man who screws around is a stud but a woman who screws around is a slut.
It applies here too.
When a woman hugs a kid its maternal insticts.
When a man hugs a kid he's a pedophile. | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/17/2006 5:06:04 PM | I guess at the rate of rising divorces, pretty soon most kids will come from a broken family and it will be considered normal. I wonder if in the future kids WITH a strong family unit will actually end up with psychological problems..." Ha, ha.. your mom and dad are still together... how weird"...
=================================
Thats my neice youre' talking about. Used to brag round the school about having two fathers. Would have taken offence if you had called her half sisters half sisters. Would have sounded like you were tryingto steal half of them.
My guess is that most of the teen crime is BLAMED on broken families because it's a scapegoat that the courts will still swallow. Reduced sentece and all that. | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/18/2006 4:43:30 AM | | I don't think that a person wanting to ahve a child on their own is being selfish if they are doing it for the right reasons. Only yhe person wanting the child can decice if the reasons are right for them. I know people that are single parents and have great kids. A friend of mine she has a daughter who after being let down by her father enough times decided that she didn't want to see him but she has her grandfather, uncles, etc... in her life that are great male role models. I also have a friend that has 3 great kids that he is on his own with cause their mother choose not to be a part of their lives but the kids have women in their lives that are great role models. My hat is off to all the single parents out there providing a loving home for their children. It takes a loving parent to raise a child. | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/19/2006 9:54:32 AM |
That's the fun part. We are all supposed to be mommy's boys and listen to the stern and righteous opinions of the almighty woman. And if we stand up or complain or even just voice an opinion that hits a nerve .. bang.. we are subject to attempted emasculation.
And when women stand up or complain or even just voice an opinion we are labelled as ****y, feminists, lesbians, man haters, bitter and long list of other 'worse' names.
You stated your opinion, some women stated their opinions which didn't mesh with yours and what do you do? Oh she's a man hater!
A family is a family. It doesn't matter what the make up of it is, as long as the child is loved and cared for who cares if they have one mommy, one daddy, raised by grandma or grandpa or aunt or uncle or even cousin or two mommies or two daddies.
We learned it in kindergarten..families come in all different shapes and sizes and no one is any better then the other. | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/19/2006 10:27:30 AM | I have had this debate before and you know what? People who don't have kids or have kids and are married or so quick to say that children should be raised by a mother and a father. All I say to that is BLAH.
I'm a single parent and chose to leave my ex finace 10 yrs ago because he used to beat the crap outta of me. I didn't plan on getting pregnant but once I did, there was no way I was going to raise a child in that environment. Yes, I stayed because I was scared of him, but once I had my daughter, I had a newfound strength and packed up and left. He doesn't have any relationship with her father.
Just the other day, my daughter's doctor told me that she is so glad that I am so invested in her life and ask a lot of questions and obviously want to be involved. She said, "I see kids who live with both parents and those parents don't care at all. It's just sad because you can see it in their children and how it affects them. You are a great mom." And her teacher's have said that too.
So, in a perfect world, every man would be Ward Cleaver and every woman would be June Cleaver and Wally and the Beev would be our siblings. But, that's just not the reality. My girls are blessed and they know it. | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/19/2006 1:23:33 PM | Well, I think it kind of depends on HOW she got herself pregnant. If she just slept with some random guy to get herself pregnant, and now refuses to let him have anything to do with the child, that's wrong. She would have been using him for her own selfish purposes.
If she was artificially inseminated, I think that it's perfectly acceptable.
As far as kids needing both parents, well, that's kind of a touchy subject. My kids' father is not in their lives, and they are better off that way. He is mentally unstable, and would do more harm than good if he was. However, especially with my son, I see the need for a father figure - even if it's not the child's natural father.
I hope that some day I will meet someone wonderful who will be that father figure for my kids.
Sherri | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/19/2006 2:54:54 PM | All consider and said. A person making a choice on purpose to bring a child into the world from day one with just one parent is very selfish in my eyes and starts day one with the deck stacked against the child. With just a tiny bit of wisdom it is easy to see that a child with 2 loving and caring parents are the best....period.
A child losing 1/2 of the equation (death,abuse, dead-beat,etc etc) is comparing apples to oranges for the sake of this posted question.
Below are 2 posted answers for a thread with the same question.
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/4038743datingPostpage3.aspx
Okay the stats are in. I stumbled on a nice web site to help single parents...Yep, single parents( not Dad, not Mom)
They just reinforce common sense, church belief, law of nature, and (funny enough) my profile
61% of all child abuse is committed by biological mothers
25% of all child abuse is committed by natural fathers
Statistical Source: Current DHHS report on nationwide Child Abuse
79.6% of custodial mothers receive a support award
29.9% of custodial fathers receive a support award
46.9% of non-custodial mothers totally default on support
26.9% of non-custodial fathers totally default on support
20.0% of non-custodial mothers pay support at some level
61.0% of non-custodial fathers pay support at some level
66.2% of single custodial mothers work less than full-time
10.2% of single custodial fathers work less than full-time
7.0% of single custodial mothers work more than 44 hours weekly
24.5% of single custodial fathers work more than 44 hours weekly
46.2% of single custodial mothers receive public assistance
20.8% of single custodial fathers receive public assistance
Statistical Source: Technical Analysis Paper No. 42 - U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services - Office of Income Security Policy
90.2% of fathers with joint custody pay all the support due
79.1% of fathers with visitation privileges pay all the support due
44.5% of fathers with no visitation pay all the support due
37.9% of fathers are denied any visitation
66.0% of all support not paid by non-custodial fathers is due to inability to pay
Statistical Source: 1988 Census "Child Support and Alimony: 1989 Series P-60, No. 173 p. 6-7. and U.S. General Accounting Office Report" GAO/HRD-92-39FS January, 1992
50% of mothers see no value in the father's continued contact with his children.
--See "Surviving the Breakup" by Joan Berlin Kelly
40% of mothers reported that they had interfered with the father's visitation to punish their ex-spouse.
--See "Frequency of Visitation...." by Stanford Braver, American Journal of Orthopsychiatry
63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes
--U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census
85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes
--Center for Disease Control
80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes
--Criminal Justice and Behavior, Vol. 14, p. 403-26
71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes
--National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools
70% of juveniles in state operated institutions come from fatherless homes
--U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report Sept., 1988
85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home
--Fulton County Georgia jail populations & Texas Dept. of Corrections, 1992
Translated, this means that children from a fatherless home are:
5 times more likely to commit suicide
32 times more likely to run away
20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
14 times more likely to commit rape
9 times more likely to drop out of school
10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances
9 times more likely to end up in a state operated institution
20 times more likely to end up in prison
There are: 11,268,000 total U.S. custodial mothers and 2,907,000 total U.S. custodial fathers
--Current Population Reports, U.S. Bureau of the Census, Series P-20, No. 458, 1991
While I'm sure you can dig through the web and pull out stats here and there to make your argument.
These stats are an eye opener for sure.
However this site rather large.
Separated Parenting Access & Resourse Center (S.P.A.R.C.)
No matter what you read stats or not.. The facts are very very VERY simple.
A child that starts and grows in a two parent caring/loving Good family will overwhelming have the odds in their favor to have less grief,problems, and issues in their life then as well as to go on with their life successfully ""any other"" household plain and simple.
Not one person can argue these facts..
Are there plenty of people that fight these odd YES. Numbers are much smaller then we want to believe, We all life our life for the hope to be then ONE when fighting the odds.
Which ones??? The ones that stay focused to always be involved in something positive in their life from school,career,community, to self enrichment, and at ALL I mean ALL cost do not . I repeat do not fall for the same negativity that adds links to this chain. The association of bad friends, bad choices, and bad neighborhoods etc etc etc. If they people are the activity is not positive then go the opposite direction, or the chain with just continue to grew in length.
Point is why start a child out with odds against them????? Why bring a child into this world with the odds cut in HALF. HALF. That's right my,BDJ stats, say "half" It's pretty much a plan common sense fact.
Just think would you rather have one lotto ticket given to you are two.One good parent given to you or two. Not that I am comparing children to the lotto, just showing that BOTH have the odds of a better chance with starting out twice as many from the get go.
Ask yourself 2 simple questions in this order any time you take on an action and unless both are answered with a YES...then don't do them.
1) Is this choice in the best interest of my child/ren?
2) Is this choice healthy for me?
WOWbyBDJ
P.S. Yes I do have newer stats since researching, but they are pretty much the same precentage | |
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| Single moms...
Posted: 7/19/2006 3:31:36 PM | | hey treeman il argue you one point with you . im a single father of three . you stated that children with both parents are best . my kids havent seen there mother in 6 years . all three of my kids are happy and they are all at the top of there class . its not about having to parents . its about how the parent is and acts . if you have a worthless parent who does't care then there kids probly would have problems when they get older. 2 parent kids are not better than my kids . all i can say is that i hope you dont make commets like that in front of single parent kids . if you make remarks like 2 parent kids are better than 1 parent kids you will make the single parents kids feel that there no good . then people like you wonder why we have problems with single parent kids that are tought that they arent as good as 2 parent kids . its not about comming from a single parent life . its about the parrents themselves and how they bring the kids up . | |
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