| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/21/2006 3:18:55 PM | Hey, i had that happen to me...just not to long ago, but then the guy re-appeared...and dumb me took him back..LOL...
He said he got "scared" needed a moment...not a good excuses..but what can you do...
Meet him off this site...so you can't really know what your getting can you? | |
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Smjle
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Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 277 | |
| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/21/2006 5:14:58 PM |
Are there any documented instances of a woman doing this exact same thing? Or is this solely the acts men perform?
Now that is relevant question. Instead of blindly following the current popular culture of blaming everything on men, Classijannii thinks for herself. | |
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mar814
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Joined: 11/16/2006
Msg: 279 | |
| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/21/2006 6:05:02 PM | For juzlookin35,
Definition of bunny boiler:
An obsessive and dangerous female, in pursuit of a lover who has spurned her. (Reference to Fatal Attraction, Glenn Close character.)
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| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/21/2006 6:09:01 PM | well its like this every one wears camouflage and only after awhile it wears off and you see the real person and its not who you think or want. In my experience a lot of the girls Ive dated started hinting around about money or want you to pay a bill I look at it like this I pay my own way and work my ass off to do it now don't get me wrong Im not a cheep ass but the
things I been thru make you look for red flags!!! so just be honest please | |
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| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/21/2006 6:20:01 PM | | If he just disappears without a word chances are you didn't put out or was bad in bed.He won't be honest and tell you that so he says nothing or lies to spare your feelings.Many women think if she makes him wait he's somehow going to want her more the reality he's waiting till the sex starts and if its taking too long he loses interest and moves on.So these women who think its best to stall for 6 months has guys constantly stop calling after a month and she never knows why.Think of it this way,imagine a man made you wait 6 months before you'd get a 50/50 chance at a commitment how long would you wait? | |
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| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/21/2006 6:30:13 PM | I didn't read all of the posts to this one yet, but I have one recommendation, read the book, 'He's just not that into you'.
1. You'll laugh your ass off!
2. You'll have the answer to your post.
I agree - it is very frustrating and annoying, but basically, these types of men (and women!) do not know how to behave like adults. There is nothing wrong with saying you don't want to continue seeing someone and you don't have to give them a reason if you don't want to, but it's common courtesy to at least let someone know and NO, they are not in the hospital, sick or whatever other excuse we might feel like giving them. Bottom line is they don't want to see you or maybe they do, but not that much.
My thing is, I'm better off without them, if they act like that, they have no manners and I don't need them. It's better that you found out earlier rather than later right?
I know I want someone who is so into me, they feel like they're back in high school and I want the same thing, not someone who could give a damn whether they see me or not and I agree with someone on this post who said they don't say anything because they want you as a backup date they can still call and give some lame excuse and get back to dating you. You're better than that! Good Luck! | |
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| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/21/2006 6:47:52 PM | i suspect each has his own reasons.
why ask why?
seems like a waste of time, eh?
time that might better be spent on asking yourself what you could better be doing with your time than asking why anyone else does anything[/] unless they want to tell you...
in that case, likely they will. | |
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Smjle
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Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 286 | |
| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/21/2006 6:50:46 PM | 'He's just not that into you'.
That sums it up very well.
It's silly for blaming men for following their nature.
It's natural for men to sample women less desirable than themselves.
It is like taking a crap in the woods, it may be what he needed at the time;
but afterwards, he wants to pull up his pants and get away from it.
You may be able to attract the star athletic for a quick fling.
However, you are foolish if you expect anything more. | |
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| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/21/2006 7:22:55 PM | Man, there are so many reasons for this, I'll name a few.
1-They are afraid of commitment/intimacy because they associate "love" or "closeness" with pain because of childhood or previous relationships (they were hurt badly by someone in a relationship, someone may have died they were close to, they were abused as a child sexually, physically, or emotionally, the primary caretaker(s) has "taught" them to avoid love and closeness)
2-They are cheating on you
3-They are afraid of being rejected so they reject you first...they may also have a deep fear of abandonment so they abandon you first.
4-They can't handle conflict or uncomfortable discussions so they vanish to avoid the talk.
5-They are used to relationships "not going well" so when one "does go well" it is foreign to them so they go back to what they know, usually drama and /or abuse in a crappy relationship where someone treats them like crap.
6-They decided you aren't compatible with them, e.g marriage, kids, religion, geography, etc. some major issue has come up they don't feel can be resolved
7-They met someone else or went back to an ex
8-They are screwed up or just a selfish jerk or a player
9-They don't like you anymore (a little harsh but nontheless, possible)
10-They have secrets about themselves that will come out eventually if you get closer, so they leave to avoid having the secrets come out in the open. e.g addictions, etc.
11-"They're just not into you".
12-They are not mature enough to understand that love and relationships require work, so at the first sign or difficulty they run instead of facing the issue and resolving it....work is what makes relationships last, not "intense feelings of lust" although passion for another is wonderful when it stretches throughout the relationship instead of just a few months.
13-They are "love addicts" who move on to the next endorphin fix...they only are along for the intense initial feelings, then when true love is needed to make a relationship work, they walk away.
14You, yes YOU did something to drive them away...this requires brutal honesty with yourself and intense self examination or you will make the same mistake again. Yes, we sometimes do things that drive people away then blame the other person when we were part of the problem all along. This denial protects us from feeling bad about ourselves for "screwing up" but we can fix it by being honest with ourselves and saying "maybe I was wrong too".
I am sure there are more I just thought of those off the top of my head. Hope they helped.
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| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/21/2006 7:35:39 PM | | there will never be an answer. Not one that makes sense. I recently dated someone and things moved a little fast, but he was actively pursuing things, yet now he won't return emails or phone calls. you wonder why are they acting like this...it really doesn't matter...it's just wrong. i think what matters is how we wish to be treated. if someone treats us like crap, the reason doesn't matter, just what they did. I think we need to care more about ourselves , after all no one else will protect your heart but you. all the best | |
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| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/22/2006 6:26:30 AM | I think also that we should not beat ourselves up. I tend to 2nd guess myself and pick myself apart. I think to myself "oh God i shouldn't have sent all those texts or messages, I must have scared him away...blah blah blah" in my case he had been sick and i was truly concerned when he just wouldn't answer....
But you know girls and boys? (Yes, women do the disappearing act too)
It doesn't matter. Someone that's into you will want to communicate with you no matter what. they won't ignore you. Whether it's a new relationship or an established one consideration and kindness still applies.
But don't beat yourself up for thinking there was something between you and now being confused. He behaved in a way to make you beleive that. That's their MO.
Just try not and do the "Naked Pretzel" too soon in the relationship...it's more embarrassing when they go "poof"
santa will make it all better
xo | |
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| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/22/2006 1:42:18 PM | "there will never be an answer. Not one that makes sense"
I'm sorry, but I must respecfully disagree. There is ALWAYS an answer for why someone does a disappearing act or stops seeing you. ALWAYS. You may not KNOW the answer, but to state that "there will never be an answer" is impossible since there would always be a reason for the departure. Sorry if that sounds a little harsh, but frankly, I provided several plausible reasons above for why someone would pull a disappearing act, and it is quite "possible" that one of the reasons I stated is why you are no longer speaking to this gentlemen. Some people lack maturity, and like I said, some people don't know how to treat others with respect because they haven't had good role models...sometimes you can't be angry at other people for how they behave, they are doing the best they can just like we are and unless they are truly evil, they are probably just trying to act in their own best interest such as protecting themselves emotionally or avoiding confrontation. | |
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| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/22/2006 1:58:04 PM | I agree with what you're saying and you're right...perhaps i misphrased that there will never be an answer that makes sense. There is always a reason and perhaps we really don't want to know what it is deep down. And yes, Some people just don't knowb how to treat others with kindness and respect. and true, it doesn't make them evil, perhaps just misguided. but oh well, Worrying too much is bad for our complexions anyhow, who needs it!
Next! | |
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| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/22/2006 2:06:47 PM | | I think the main problem is that guys really don't know how to break off relationships. Its 90% of the time the girl doing it to the guys. kind of natures way so to speak... so when a guy does it, its new territory... especially with the fear of her bawling her eyes out... didnt you watch that episode of friends when Monica said "You get quiet and distant and wait for us to break it off!" and thats totally true. | |
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| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/22/2006 2:10:05 PM | I've done it to women. Women have done it to me.
Better to not say anything than be blunt, as some suggest. Blunt will just be bad news. What do you want the person to say? Sorry, but I am not attractive to you anymore? Sorry, but your laugh drives me nuts? Sorry, but I thought you were a hottie, and now I realize that you are not? Sorry, I found someone of a higher calibre than you?
I don't think so. Nobody wants to be responsible for sending someone to a psychiatrist, or to the bottle, or worse. Especially with women. Rejecting them is bad enough. But telling them that they are being rejected, is pushing it. And telling them WHY they are being rejected could be downright dangerous. Some become anorexic just because someone makes a crack about her bum being a little wider than before. People's feelings have to be given wide berth. Especially women.
Much better, therefore, to just quietly disappear and say nothing, rather than hurt someone's feelings, make them angry, give them a complex, or worse. Much better to let that person think you are simply a jerk, rather than make them think you are a jerk AND send them to a therapist.
I would much rather be considered the "thoughtless bad guy" and let my image take the fall, than be the courteous gentleman who told her to her face she is not desirable and perhaps damage her self-image. | |
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| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/24/2006 11:33:12 PM | Disappearing act hmm... the reasons for that are simple:
-they are still not done with a previous relationship and they are not ready for a new one..
-when they end up having sex some guyus run away from that as well
-they got scared that date went well and that you are expecting something more to happen even if they are not ready for one....
-they are married /already in a committed relationship from the start....and wasnt being honest | |
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| Why do men do the disappearing act?
Posted: 12/25/2006 12:25:15 AM | I've had a date that I thought was starting off very well. Then I found out she was an alcoholic. I didn't say that in her face but I did tell her that I did not wish to pursue anything further. Big drama, tears, virtual suicide (deleting her online accounts).... If I'd known that would have happened I would rather just have dissapeared.
I think the dissapearing folks want to avoid the drama as well. | |
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| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/25/2006 12:44:32 AM |
Are there any documented instances of a woman doing this exact same thing? Or is this solely the acts men perform? How about it guys--and girls----anyone know of a woman who's does this same thing????
I have personally had a bunch of women pull this crap on me.........a couple from POF and some from other dating sites too. If you (or anyone else for that matter) cannot believe that a woman is just as capable of doing it as a man is, then you are niave......It isn't just GUYS that do this.........WOMEN do it too! Maybe more men do it than women, but make no mistake about it, women do it too. Just as women rail on and on about many guys being "players" and only out for sex, well I am here to tell you, from personal experience, that there are women "players" and women who are only out for sex too! | |
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| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/25/2006 9:23:12 AM | | hahaha..i had the same thing happen..was dating a guy from here for 2 months and then bam..hes gone! my guess is that they r weasly cowards. | |
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| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/25/2006 3:17:01 PM | People who do this...and yes it is women as well......are either afraid of hurting someone's feelings...as they can sense the other has stronger feelings...
or are afraid of the reaction, drama etc...of the person, who is being left. | |
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| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/25/2006 7:24:02 PM | I have been dating online for about five years, and this has happenned to me so many times I've come to expect it--I'm really pleased when anyone follows through, to say either yes or No. I count that as a really good person. The internet makes it easy for people to detach and be selfish. You're not there staring them in the place. Sometimes the truth isn't something they're comfortable saying because it reflects too badly on them.
For instance, a guy may want to think he's "intellectual" and then find out that he can't stand a woman who is "too analytical." Hey, maybe he isn't the intellectual he thought he was!
Or he told you he was "ready," but it turns out as soon as he feels attached to you he's not sleeping and can't function at work, and it's just too hard for him right now--does he want to admit he's NOT ready? No, it's easier to think it was some intangible thing he couldn't possibly put into words.
Or you aren't from his religion or his background, and he's ashamed to meet even to himself that he's so narrow-minded, etc.
The bottom line is that it's not always easy to be honest with yourself about why you don't want to pursue a relationship. And many people don't have the skills to find a gentle way to bow out without getting into specifics.
Also, people react really badly. I have been guilty myself of having a weeping fit and asking too many questions when a guy told me in person. That makes it harder. He'll be less forthcoming with the next woman, probably.
Finally, a lot of people feel that being honest and emotionally open with a person you don't want to be with is like giving a gift to a stranger on the street. They want to save "intimacy" for the people who will stay in their lives. But I think that is a mistake.Love does not come in fixed quantities you can "waste." You'll have more to give the more you give away...
So, guys, I know that when a man has told me directly and dealt with my response, I really did feel much better about the whole thing. You're not doing me a kindness to disappear. And I'd bet the men were better off for it too. I know I've been better off when I'm straight with men. | |
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| Why do men do the diappearing act?
Posted: 12/25/2006 7:43:06 PM | | Okay, I've done the disappearing act and here's why.. At times when I was straight forward about not wanting any more it just turned into a big scene and I ended up getting crapped on. It's nothing more than avoiding that sort of thing. | |
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