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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 11:33:07 AM | http://www.770chqr.com/news/news_local.cfm?cat=7428545912&rem=43085&red=80154523aPBIny&wids=410&gi=1&gm=news_local.cfm
I woke up early today (who am i kidding, i didnt sleep), and bought both the Herald and the Sun... . Anyway, I was surprised to see it was in neither early mornings issues.
I watched the news last night and it showed her new red sandal on the pavement by the LRT.
And added to the above newsclip by saying, "alcohol and or drugs are not suspected as a factor."
You will hear more I am sure in the next 48 hours. Her name was Carla. | |
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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 11:33:26 AM | | You need to find a professional to talk to. This is to much for someone to try to handle on their own. Take some time,maybe a year, to be alone without a relationship. You need this time to heal. | |
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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 11:40:50 AM | well steven its not your fault at all some people just cant deal with depression ,i lost the love of my life a girlfriend for 2 years last year and i went through depression really bad ,but if your stong things do pass
so tell me where can i find this c train at sait ? id like to introduce it to my x wife
big c | |
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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 11:43:07 AM | | I am really sorry to read about your girlfriend, I have only experience grief when my father died & every one grief is different, its like a mist in your mind that I suppose it a roller coaster of emotion and pain that does not seem to go away, but in time you just learn to live with it, people always say time will heal ,I say time just help you learn to live with it , your pain is greater them mine as its 4 years now for me , its good to read that your going to grief counselling as it help you recognise and acknowledge those emotion and feeling that at time seem to over flow you as a normal part of grieving | |
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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 11:47:54 AM | I dont know what to say except I am so sorry for your loss. I too have lost two good friends to suicide and my daughter 2 years ago next week (not to suicide). What I learned after Sarah died is that I spent six months blaming myself for not knowing and wondering why when at the end I still never had the answers. So when Pam died I knew I was not to blame, Sarahs death helped me cope with Pams as I had a greater understanding of Suicide and depression. All I can offer you is take the time to grieve, dont let anyone tell you to get over it..you will in your own time. It will come in waves, one minute your fine and the next the smallest thing can set you off. Although this rollar coaster of emtion is hard..it is a ride you must take. Take comfort in those who are reaching out. Lean on your friends, dont push them away. If you ever need anyone to talk to I am here. Sometimes its easier to talk with someone who understands. I wish I could say my prayers are with you but I am still a little bitter with god over my daughter, so we arent on talking terms right now, but my thoughts and good wishes are with you:)
Also, Hospice Calgary has wonderful grief counsellors and they have a pay scale and will turn no one away if they cant afford it. I found that group counselling was the most help over anything as I was in a room full of people who understood what I was going through, you may want to consider this in the future. | |
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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 11:55:37 AM | Hi... I feel your pain completely. My common Law Husband of 14 years took his life April 22 1998. We had separated also, but, for a much longer period than your 5 weeks...( mine was 4 months ) ~~~I am truly sorry for the hurt and confusion you are feeling at this moment and I understand it completely......he was sick also before he made this final decision, looking back he was sick for a very long time prior. Many times over the years he would tell me what he had planned to do with himself and how he woud accomplish it... .. he followed his plan to the letter. His family told me that "I" was his only true love ...which seemed to ease some of the confusion I was feeling... my sadness and emotions were so mixed ... I was angry at him for taking his own life.....yet relieved that a terrible struggle was now over......for him as well as me and my kids . The evening before his funeral.. I 'felt' him with me .. and his gentle urgings for me to get up from my sleep and go to find a tape that he ahd made for me many years prior, in which he appologised for many things he had done to cause me anguish..........I found the tape and went to my living room lit a candle and sat listening to his words and I knew at that point he was truly sorry for all of our hurt.
I think about him often still........and still feel a pang of sadness with it because he was my life... and I am trying still to get on with my life in what ever direction it is supposed to go
now......keep your friends close to help you through this time.... and know that you are not alone in your pain.
THEY are in a far better place now than we are ! and we shall all meet again~~ in a moment.
Steven if you wish to contact me at any time . I invite you to do so....I will not be able to take your pain away but I will listen to what you need to say and feel you !
Cynthia
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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 12:08:14 PM | I'm not going to make any comments or suggestions about what and how you are going thru right now. No matter what. Its a very tough one. I wish you all the best.
However, as to your ponderings about whether you should take down your personal profile? I guess there is no need to actually take it down, since you are getting comfort out of the input from the forums.... but, in my opinion....(and any professional you should choose to talk to)... you arn't even "close' to being available for a new romantic relationship yet! You might as well put in big red letters accross your profile...NOT Emotionally Available Yet...
I'm not being mean.... just giving you a reality check. | |
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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 12:09:48 PM | Since I know you personally I'd like to reiterate my thoughts to you here where they can be collected along with the rest of the outpour of caring and support. First let me start by saying you are my best friend Stephen and I am deeply saddened by your (and all of our) loss.
Practically speaking it is very important that you focus on recovering your life. I feel there is a way, a right way...
You have a far reaching support network here in Calgary. Use it just as you are using this forum. Continue to accept your loss openly. Let others be there for you. They need to be there for you just as you need them to be there. Next be with your feelings as much as possible. Feel your pain as deeply and purposefully as you can. Do this often, hundreds of times a day at first, less as time goes by. That said you also need to move forward. There is no benefit procrastinating your life beyond this brief period of shock. Do things. Not as any kind of escape but rather to add balance and restore normalcy to your life. Go to the gym. Work. Play. Be yourself. Be.
Finally remember that stuff happens and will continue to happen. As unnatural as it seems it is also perfectly natural. We as humans are not strangers to suicide. It is interwoven into the fabric of society. However unwanted it is part of the wheel of life. You are not a martyr nor are you expected to be. Move forth with your life and know that she would want you to do so if she could be here to tell you. | |
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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 12:14:45 PM | ...I too read the police blotter report... "charges are not anticipated against the LRT driver" whata crock...law enforcement always has to get their licks in don't they... That poor LRT driver must be going thru hell right now after watching his train run over someone.
The emotional pain your going thru is is a terrible and frightening experience. May God give you the strength to carry on my friend. You definately need to see a counsellor ...someone to unload and there are people in the community who will help you through this ...seek them out.
Suicide by anyone is a cry for help... it's too bad someone didn't see the signs and intervene before it was too late. Not so far from where the tragedy you descibe happened another woman I had personally known also took her own life...she simply walked into the Bow River near the Center Street Bridge. She left a husband, family and friends (my sister) reeling from the loss.
Suicide is a cruel and selfish thing to do to people, for it leaves a trail of turmoil, and with people often blaming themselves or each other for "what happened"... or "how could I have stopped it" The emotional pain often goes on for years and years, sometimes ending in deteriorating health and even death.
Don't you be a victim of her actions. | |
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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 12:17:00 PM | Hi Steven
Someone else deciding to take their own live could never be your fault. I hope that you will seek profession help and I would point you in the direction of God who promises that he will never leave us or forsake us. You are in no way responsible for what she did. I know you grieve for her passing and the lost of someone you loved, but do not take the blame or internalize this. I will be praying for you. | |
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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 12:20:14 PM | Steven,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know where you are at right now and its a pretty dark place..I have been there and experienced this same situation and the great pain,guilt,remorse and shame that accompanies this travisty.and I can tell you it was an uphill climb to find my sanity in all the madness.To find some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. and I am not gonna tell you there was a light in my near future. I struggled for a good little while with no sleep, no appitite,nightmares and no desire to continue living... I was set to marry the most wonderful man that any woman could ever have. on the day we were to be married he killed himself. and was found in the church. I knew he was dealing with some issues from his childhood. and I knew he was struggling on a day to day basis. but his therapists said we should go ahed with the wedding anyway that so much of his life had been a tragedy that he needed something positive to happen and suggested we not put off the wedding... SO thats what we did and he seemed to get better as we planned our wedding. He showed no signs of suicidial thoughts. nor did his actions... the night before the wedding he was the happiest I had ever seen him... He seemed to have come to some kind of acceptance with his past his present and his future. He was calmer.... He told me he loved me more than life. and couldnt wait till we started our new life together.. I guess what he should have said was he coiuldnt wait for ME to start MY new life.... My new life without him...when he was found in the dressing room at the church.I was imediatley notified. and My nightmare began...My worste nightmare was coming true. as i sat there with his head on my lap and crying for him to hold on he told me to please forgive him... he did this to set me free. he loved me so much that he couldnt face life without me and he didnt want me to be part of the madness in his head... and he knew I wouldnt leave him that I deserved to be with someone that was complete and not haunted by his childhood.so he was doing for me what i couldnt do for myself... and at that moment he looked at me said he loved me to please fogive him closed his eyes and took his last breath...I dont need to tell you how I felt. I was devastated. my whole life and dreams ended when he took his last breath.My life would never be the same again.. and it hasnt!! I took a long time to grieve the loss of him and some days i still grieve him. everything i knew was gone and i was empty. i stopped eating couldnt sleep all i did was cry and ask why. and i hated the God of my understanding.as time went on though I started to get some of those answers... it didnt hurt any less. but it did begin to get managable.Steven what I come to relize is this. Feelings arent fact allthough the feel like it they arent. and allthough they hurt like hell thay are just feelings and feelings pass. it still hurts smetimes. but i know it will pass in time all i have to do is hold on and feel what I am feeling and get thru the day without hurting myself or anyone eles.Who knows why she did it and u may never know.. all u need to know is that u are still very much alive breathing and feeling, left to pick up the pieces and move on..and as hard as it sounds its even harder to do. but in time u will be able to.. it doesnt happen over night, Time takes time and we cant tell help how to help... just lean on ur friends and family they wont let you down they will be there for you.I promise, and have faith that u will make to the other side. I pray that he will be forgiven and will find some peace..and as well for u i pray that u will find some peace in this horrific incident.and u will... my thoughts prayers and blessings are with you always.... if you need me please dont hesitate to write me.... | |
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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 12:28:49 PM | My friend I can only say thank goodness it was quick, I watched the love of my life die over an 8 month period of ovarian cancer as the chemo and the radiation did little if anything to help her. She struggled until the last moment and was delusional her last days..As she lay dying her sister at her side holding her arms as she was flailing and gasping for breath and then the scowl went away and she saw such light come from her neck up to her forhead...I was at work trying to keep my sanity...then I recieved the worst call of my life.
She lost all--her bones showed thru, her skin hung from her body, she had to be pumped clean every day,she lost her wonderful auburn hair and when I went home and the amber light shown thru the curtains--I sensed the life had been sucked out of that house as if it the was never a happy moment in that house. Oh the pain is excruciating. I still smell her, I still feel her and her pictures and small little items of hers bring great joy but greater sorry to me daily..Again be thankful it was quick...The only solice I can offer is at least she did not ask you to die with her.. You have my simpathies and my understanding of your loss... | |
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Charks
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Joined: 6/14/2006
Msg: 65 | |
| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 12:28:54 PM | | The enormity of this and the realization that this was a suicide would not be posted as such in the media out of respect for family and friends. It was however reported that there was a women hit who later died in hospital. | |
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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 12:40:16 PM | | Unfortunately ralph she did not die quickly. The doctors spent 4 HOURS trying to revive her. In the end there was too much blood lost and she died. How much pain she suffered during that time I cannot pretend to know but I hope very little. | |
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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 12:40:31 PM | | Steven, I am sorry. I only hope you find someone to talk to and realize that you had nothing to do with her decision. Easy for me to say but it is the truth though it might do nothing to ease anyone's pain. Takecare...susan | |
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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 12:47:10 PM | hi steven..
suicide is the worst thing anyone can do..its not the act or reason ,..its what they leave behind...i feel for you...
i lost my son 6 years ago..he was 21 and died of a flu virus.
my husband lost his son 3 years ago--suicide..he was 27.
so we know what you are going through..pain anger guilt..we have to move on from that ..in time.. hugs for you ..shazzums..xxx | |
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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 2:16:49 PM | Hi Steven, I don't know you, but my heart and prayers go out to you and your situation. I can't add any wonderful words of wisdom to the many caring posts already here, but I hope it does your heart and soul as good as it does mine to see how many caring people there are on this site. Human kindness isn't dead yet! Please allow those around you to give you comfort and consolement as I'm sure they are. God works wonders through those around us every day. I know that He has in my life and I am confident that He will in yours as well.
May you find peace in His love,
Andy | |
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jayrob
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Joined: 7/17/2006
Msg: 70 | |
| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 3:00:38 PM | Hey Steve, Sulli here.
I am so sorry. I didn't beleive it last night when I heard and I did not beleive it when I woke up this morning. I had to call Ron three times to ask if this was for real, and if he was sure. As you know, my Mom passed little over a year ago. It was the first time any close to me had died. And from that experience I still can't think of any thing to say to console you. Just know that you have friends here for you, keep them close. My thoughts and prayers are with you. | |
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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 3:43:49 PM | I am constantly overwhelmed by the rally of love surrounding me here...thank you all.
You can never prepare yourself for someones death.
...it was hard to watch my mother slowly die from the cancer and chemotherapy. It was a terrible final few days, balding, yellow skin, vacant eyes and senseless chatter, staring into the void, unaware of us around her. She was lacking the dignity and grace she had months earlier. She was nothing like the strong, smiling, loving mother that could kiss you, and all the world would go away and heal your pain. She always had time for us. She raised six children with a alcoholic husband who she cried to me about in her last month. Why did she make the choices she did? Even she didnt know. She survived having many parts of her cancerous body removed, both inside and out. We all could see it coming. We had time to prepare ourselves. She couldnt stand living like this and having us all watch her demise. She died at home and no one ever goes peacefully. I thought if, at age 16, I could handle this... and then the rest of life would be easy. Most of my adult friends still celebrate mother's day with their moms. It was her time, we thought... she was sick...we all saw it coming. We wanted to blame god for taking her so soon. It was 1977...I remember thinking that my mothers death was just like Obi-Wan's, and she did it so she could watch over me.
...my father's death came a little easier. I was in my early thirties, i felt prepared. He was an alcoholic for most of his life, and somehow we could rationalize he was the bad guy. He was the one who smacked us, though not often. He was the one, who decided if he had time to be a dad, or to be a beer filter.
He chain smoked and even on his hospital bed, going through the shock of withdrawal, the doctors had to give him nicotine so he didnt go into shock. In the hospice, he secretly smoked cigarettes between the tins of liquid food he had to drink. His throat destroyed by cancer. He was a frail old man maybe 90 pounds with a whispering voice that crackled. One of the last things he said to me is, "steven find my lighter for me would you."
He did this to himself, we thought....We blamed dad for dying the way he did.
...meanwhile, over the decades, aunts, uncles, cousins, family and friends continue to die and nieces, nephews, and grandchildren are being born. There is a constant reminder of balance; and the circle of life. How does one prepare, anyway? Dozens of deaths later, I still havent figured it out.
... my fiancees death was unforeseen. No one had the time to prepare. I still dont know if she had time to prepare. By all accounts it was a choice she made within a 2 hour time-frame, yesterday. I have many questions and no one to answer them. I do however, have dozens of open hearts and ears yearning to embrace my pain. For this I am thankful.
Rewind...
I met her when she was 25, for five years we shared all that life threw at us with a grin. Her family had its share of deaths seemingly spaced every few months. Her step father died at christmas 2004. All we knew is that we were stronger. Together, we can do it, we are safe.
When I met her, she lived in a dingy, dank, basement suite with a rescue cat that had severe emotional problems. She soon moved into my second storey, south facing apartment, that got constant sunlight. She slowly became happier, and all of her family knew it was genuine; and marvelled at her change. She excelled at all she did. She made freinds faster than ever, wrote me dozens of songs on the guitar and found many new ways of expressing her happiness and her reasons for living. And as we worked together for the last 3 years, she still made lunches everyday, complete with deserts and love letters. I could not find a bad thing to say about her. She mended broken family ties, and seemingly darned all the loose threads in her family life, that were frayed for years before me. People were constantly calling us, "a success story", and told us they were "proud of us" and "amazed by how well we fit."...
We kept a sign on the wall of our apartment that read, "SYNERGY:The effect of two or more agents working together to produce an effect that is greater than the sum of the parts." This reminded us we are stronger together than apart. We thought we would always be together.
One night her father came into town, and over drinks and a flames playoff game we drank beers and smiled how good life was treating us all. When she went to the washroom, he grabbed my hand and commanded my attention. He told me that he wanted me to know, that he had never taken the time to say how proud he was, of me. How safe he felt his little girl was. How he could not have ever hoped for a better man, to take care of her. He looked me deep in the eye and clenched my hand and spoke from his heart. He told me that i was a good man and sincerely thanked me for being there... both of our eyes glasses over as she returned.
Not too often do people tell you, that you are doing a good job in life... yeah maybe a good job at work... maybe your a good neighbour... This whole experience has reinforced in me unwaivering standards, morals, and codes of conduct by which to be a good man.
I just dont understand. But at least I know, that I dont know.
She moved out last month, and she took everything she could that would remind me of her.
She left one heart-shaped post-it note over the sink that reads, "I trust in the process of life"
How long did she know? Sometimes i feel i cant wait the expected 40-50 years to find out why... but i must wait... God is not finished with me.
Steven | |
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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 4:06:54 PM | Dear Steven,
My mother always said that suicide was a very selfish thing and I think that she was right - at least when there are other people involved (and when are there not?).
I think that it is important for you to keep in mind that people who commit suicide do so not because of the nature of their problems, but because they cannot cope with their problems. In other words, you may have some responsibility for the breakup but definitely not for her choosing to kill herself. DO NOT take responsibility for that onto your shoulders!
I agree that being upfront on this site about your situation is a good idea. In your case it is necessary because you need understanding to get through this very difficult time. But I am sure that there are lots of ladies out there who will be quite willing to be friends for now. You need to work through this in your mind before you try to enter another relationship (other than friendship, of course).
I would be glad to chat with you any time you need someone to talk to, and I am very sure that others feel the same.
God bless you and send you the strength to cope right now. Remember that whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I know that you can survive this heartbreak!
Good luck to you and I am sending you a great big cyber HUG,
Donder | |
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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 5:25:08 PM | okay i just got off the phone with my first call to the distress center.
I knew the lady i spoke to, since i attended annual events there over a five year period with my finacee. She was a friend to both me and my fiancee. upon meeting her, we immediately concluded we had a shared interest... we borth thought my fiancee was awesome. =)
She said I sounded like i had both feet on the ground, but agreed it was too early to predict what would happen with the waves of disdain, as they rolled in, over the next week or two. We agreed that we would have to keep in touch and make more plans as necessary.
She told me that "the gift" me fiancee gave to me, was introducing me to the distress center and making that a option for me... one day i might need it. That was today.
She also told me that in the almost 61 months, that my fiancee volunteered there, she handled over seven hundred crisis phone calls.
We both stopped and wondered how many lives she has saved....
In the silence, I could hear her tears, as she did mine.
Steven | |
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kbrads
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Joined: 7/17/2006
Msg: 74 | |
| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 6:48:09 PM | Leviathan says, "When the going gets tough the tender surrender"
Would you like your book back Steven? It strikes me there may be some small comforts there for you again?
I joined the site just so I could talk to you without bothering you on the phone. I'm right behind all the good people that have responded with such kindness to you- anything you need...
Actually, I'm wondering how you are going to deal with work. Is there any practical sources of support that you need. What with Carla being such a large part of your career as well, it may prove difficult to stay on top of the paper trail. I don't want to see you be swallowed by that. I'm very, very good at sorting receipts and organizing offices. Well, except my own of course.
And I wonder about anger. Perhaps it is my own, which I don't want to put on you but, I think that may be where the group therapy is a good idea. A safe place to express rage? I know you to be a pragmatic and philosophical man, but please, try not to stuff anything down. You are also a very passionate, life-loving man.
Some more wisdom of Leviathan, "The darkness in which I made myself, cell by cell, following instructions in my mother's blood. I was born with darkness IN MY BONES! I admit, this INNER DARKNESS...catches me off-guard sometimes. But I can handle it. INNER DARKNESS....is no match for INNER LIGHT."
Of which you have in spades my friend.
kxo | |
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| My Ex : Five weeks from Separation to Suicide.
Posted: 7/17/2006 6:52:01 PM | | After reading all these posts and thinking about so many things regarding them, I honestly wonder if life was going so well..............why would she want to end it. A loving family and fiancee', a job that you could feel good about knowing you were helping others. I honestly wonder if maybe she was diagnosed with a fatal sickness that she'd seen before in life and knew it was a time consuming, deteriating, debilitating desease and because she loved so many so much she didn't feel she could allow those loved ones to live with something like that on a daily basis watching and waiting and wondering how much longer. Just a thought.......whether it be the reason, who knows but it's a logical reason. | |
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