| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 9/25/2006 7:14:54 PM | I dont think discussing this on the forum is what is best for you- you have (and have the right to have) a lot of anger about your son's death. Regardless of how the baby died, you do need to move past your anger- that will not bring him back.
Therapy, or however you choose to deal with this, would be best....and would allow you the opportunity to experience and celebrate his life, his laughter and his love...and that of your son now | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 9/26/2006 6:43:20 AM | I lost my twin boys at birth. Born a day apart thought my whole world had caved in on me but 14 years down the line I still remember them everyday. Not a single one passes by without even a small thought. I still have the odd night I sob myself to sleep, but the upside I do have a 15 year old daughter I am more than mum to and she keeps me going... Needless to say it broke my marriage as m husband wanted a son I could no longer give due to medical problems. Also cut all contact with his daughter and now has his new family so she doesn’t even come into it.
You never forget but people say it gets easier. It doesn’t you just learn to deal with whats happened in your own way and own time... | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 9/26/2006 11:44:55 AM | ButterflyKisses
How cute.....to suggest that something is 'not best for you'. Sometimes when we decide what is BEST for someone....it could possibly turn out in tragedy. Similar to the topic of the thread. If my sons mother did not do what she 'THOUGHT' was best...nevermind.
Im not going to sit here and beat a dead horse. My son and I celebrate his brothers life often. Whether it be AT the cemetary or just talking about him. He never knew his older brother but fact remains that he is the ONLY blood brother (not step) that he ever had or will have. That alone makes him very special in my living sons heart. This thread has helped me in more ways than I can list here....I would rather have these pages then to have to take time out to 'go' somewhere to talk to a bunch of people face to face. I thank ALL OF YOU from the bottom of my heart.  | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 9/26/2006 12:01:37 PM | Who are we to judge what the "best" form of healing is?
Talking about it in a forum can help get feelings out and express anger, celebrate life, rememberances, share experiences, etc.
For many, this IS a form of "therapy". Quite frankly, I am overwhelmed at how many have lost children during birth, and after. It makes you feel you arent alone in your feelings.
I talked it out with anyone who would listen. I went to a message board strictly for loss and found many who have experienced it. I also did alot of healing tools that worked for ME. | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 9/26/2006 12:54:16 PM | Yes I have. I buried my daughter on 1/04/06. I'll say more about that after a few other comments.
I note that YEAIDID attacks anyone who questions his story. I suspect that I will also be subjected to his immature approach to discourse. I am concerned by his statement that he did not party the night before his son's death. It is the word "party" that concerns me. To someone my age this merely means going to a party in the traditional sense. To someone twenty or more years younger it means hard drug usage. In the parlance of the drug abuser,
one or two people go on a "mission" to some tax subsidized housing project to buy powdered cocaine, crack, and/or heroin. They return to the waiting contributors, and they all "party" by snorting, smoking, or injecting the purchased drugs. The manner in which YEAIDID uses the word "party" causes me to suspect that this was a household where drug abuse was common.
YEAIDID says there was not a real autopsy. My guess is that there was an autopsy, as there always is when death is unexplained, and that YEAIDID just does not agree with the results which place no blame on the mother.
YEAIDID complains that the mother's blood was not tested. The police probably did not think there was a need to do so, but, even if they did, they could not do the testing without a search warrant based upon probable cause and the necessary testing facilities to make the test evidence admissible in court. A blood test is considered a search and seizure protected by the 4th Amendment. Unless a person consents to the test, a warrant must be obtained. The reason such tests can be done without a warrant in DUI/OVI/OMVI cases is that the driver's consent is implied by statute based upon the reasoning that driving is a privilege not a right. At any rate, by the time the police could do what they needed to do, the blood sample would be of little or no relevance because any alcohol that was allegedly in her system would have largely dissipated.
Neither YEAIDID nor csimonds121978 was married to the mother of his child. An unmarried father has no rights regarding his child without a court declaration of paternity. Signing the birth certificate makes no difference. This is only evidence of paternity which can be used in court, and it is considered rebuttable. What the father must do to get visitation or custody rights is to file what is, in essence, a reverse paternity suit. Apparently YEAIDID did, in fact, use the court system to esatablish his rights and obtain a joint custody arrangement. csimonds121978 has not done so; he does not mention whether he is paying child support. Usually, a woman is more than happy to let a man see a child he is supporting. Regarding YEAIDID's joint custody, such arrangements are virtually always by agreement of the parties. In order to seek a change in an agreed custody order, one must show a drastic change of circumstsnces subsequent to the order which operates to the detriment of the child. If his child's mother is no different now from what she was at the time of the order, his effort to seek sole custody will fail.
Regarding huffing, I recently received an email about a teenager dying from inhaling the compressed air dusters that are used on computer hardware. Needless to say, I immediately moved my can of duster to the basement.
Before telling about my daughter, I want to relate a story from many years ago when I was married. One of my wife's maternal aunts passed away while my wife's maternal grandmother was still living. I will never forget seeing the old lady, who was nearly 90, leaving the funeral home with tears rolling down her cheeks. Now her daughter who died was 72, and I thought to myself that surely this death was not unexpected; however, it then occurred to me that this was still her first born baby regardless of her current age. I then concluded that the worst thing that could happen to me would be to outlive one of my children.
Well it, nevertheless, happened. My older daughter, who was 36, died on my couch on 12/30/05. She was the mother of the grandson I've had custody of for three years. She'd been a user of cocaine for 17 years and heroin for 3 years. The toxicology report revealed that she died of cocaine intoxication; there was no heroin in her system. My grandson came to me that morning and said, "Grandpa I can't wake up mommy." I kiddingly asked if she was breathing, but then I found she wasn't. Rigor mortis had set in so she evidently died during the night. Contrary to what YEAIDID says, autopsies are conducted on a three day New Year weekend. My daughter's was done on Saturday, December 31st, and the medical examiner estimated her time of death to be 1:00 AM on the 30th.
Thus concluded a life that began with so much promise. She was very talented and an honor student throughout school. She was voted class comedian by her senior class. She went to college for one quarter and then got on the cocaine and began her 17 year downward spiral which included rehab programs, hospitalizations for staph infections, stints in jail, a year in prison, and finally a life of street prostitution.
I raised my daughters by myself from the time they were 12 and 7. I have many good memories of my older daughter in the years before all the lying and stealing started, but they seem far overshadowed by the memories from all of the subsequent years. I had always hoped that she would get off the drugs and be able to take care of her son. I was particularly hopeful when she entered a 90 day inpatient methadone based program last October. This was her last chance to live. She was expelled from the program just before Christmas for smuggling in dope.
Now I am faced with having to spend the rest of my life raising a child who is 60 years younger than I am. His father also died of a drug overdose in 2002.
I agree with those who say you never get over the loss of a child. You'll always wonder what could have been done to change things, and you'll always wonder what might have been had the child lived to know life as we know it. I have no use for counselors, therapists, or self-help books and I don't shed tears in times of loss or tragedy. However, a couple of weeks ago I happened to hear the Mills Brothers recording of Daddy"s Little Girl, and tears came to my eyes. | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 9/26/2006 1:48:24 PM | | Yes i have buried a daughter in 1993. How do you cope, i have tried to except it. But I do miss her. Think of her everyday. | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 9/26/2006 5:51:48 PM | | michaeldyt. Is strange how some songs seem to fit at home. Not sure how long the time might have been, just before my daughter passed away, that it seemed like everytime I turned on the radio the song Help pour out the rain, by Buddy Jewel, was playing. I had lost my dad about 1 1/2 years prior to this, then when I lost my little girl, I had to have thjat song played at the funneral. To me is a very touching song. Then some people very close to me, gave me the poem A child of mine, just after the funneral. Sometimes it just helps to read that and listen to the song. | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 9/27/2006 12:15:59 AM | wow, I would not ever want this situation to happen to anyone. noone should have to go through what you are. I had a babymother,who would call me at work,and threaten to leave the house with my son in it. and has said other threats. but thats all over with. she was at one point trying to get full custody, but after talkin(or yelling) about things she realized she would never win and I got her to sign over things. she is no longer in my sons life. maybe has a supervised visit at his grandmothers every 6 weeks or so.
I hope that things will change for the best. its amazing how much negative energy one person can create in another! I have never lost a child and for you to have to see her face, in court or wherever. I read your pro, and hope things clear up with the other woman as well.
Try to be strong! and remember there is people who are willing to listen and try to help, I used to help out alot of friends by giving out my number( and even at one point getting a 1866) to listen and help them with things in there lives. and I am sure im not the only one here at POF. | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 9/28/2006 6:27:58 AM | | A friend of my daughter, who died on 12/30/05, created a memorial web site for her. The address is www.ken.malott.com/bridget/bridget.html; the pictures on it frequently change, but one thing that is always on there is a poem called Cruel Deception. The poem concerns drug addiction, and Bridget wrote in the Spring of 2004 while she was in prison. Clearly she understood her problem. Nevertheless, within in two days of her being released from prison at the end of June 2004, she was back on hard drugs. Eighteen months later she died. | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 9/28/2006 1:24:51 PM | I note that YEAIDID attacks anyone who questions his story. I suspect that I will also be
I am concerned by his statement that he did not party the night before his son's death. It is the word "party" that concerns me. To someone my age this merely means going to a party in the traditional sense. To someone twenty or more years younger it means hard drug usage. In the parlance of the drug abuser, one or two people go on a "mission" to some tax subsidized housing project to buy powdered cocaine, crack, and/or heroin. They return to the waiting contributors, and they all "party" by snorting, smoking, or injecting the purchased drugs. The manner in which YEAIDID uses the word "party" causes me to suspect that this was a household where drug abuse was common.
subjected to his immature approach to discourse.
When you come into a forum (not just the one I CREATED) and directly disrespect me for any reason....you will ALWAYS be subject. Go right ahead and make your assumptions and judgments like you have for the past 40 years micheal. I have no problem with it, just wish there was some wisdom embedded to take with...
My sons mother has done drugs less than 5 times in her entire life. My past/present/future drug use (whether a whole lot or not at all) is irrelevant. In this particular case, I use the word 'party' in the correct/ and common context. Drinking, socializing, saying things and doing things you wouldn't normally do. When the 'party' goes until you pass out....when you wake up...you have no choice but to say you were 'partying' last night.
YEAIDID says there was not a real autopsy. My guess is that there was an autopsy, as there always is when death is unexplained, and that YEAIDID just does not agree with the results which place no blame on the mother.
You can 'Guess' whatever you like....to whomever you wish. That's the beauty of freedom
YEAIDID complains that the mother's blood was not tested.
^^^^^
I have never complained about this. Again, you put words in my mouth.....reread my statements before you hit the reply button next time
'If they had pulled her blood....she would be locked up still to this day.'
^^^^^
Thats the actual statement cut and pasted
Usually, a woman is more than happy to let a man see a child he is supporting.
Never mind what 'usually' is.....it was NOT in my case
If his child's mother is no different now from what she was at the time of the order, his effort to seek sole custody will fail.
I will NEVER fail in things I attempt to achieve in this lifetime. I said that at 15, 25 and I will say it AGAIN with just as much conviction at 35. Full custody??? The approach for me has certainly changed, because of the mentality of my SON, and his age. He has no problem telling his mother what is on his mind. She use to say the 'we don't like daddy, and you shouldn't want to see daddy'.....that is not an option now. I am his absolute hero and he doesn't flinch at the opportunity to defend my honor. A gene im sure inherited from my side....my son is with me now more then ever, by HIS CHOICE.
With the large amount of respect that I have for my elders simply because they have been 'here' longer then myself.......There are a lot of them who STILL don't know as much as they think they do. But there is no turning back the clock, it is what it is. | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 9/28/2006 3:04:10 PM | yeaidid,
I wanted to show you how to use block quoting, so that your posts are easier for people to read, as so what we know who and what you are replying to.
{quote} type your words in here{/quote}
replace the { with [ and you are all set! :) | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 9/30/2006 12:40:51 AM | Well YEAIDID you came through as I predicted. You apparantly are incapable handling disagreement without casting aspersions upon the person who disagrees with you. In your disjointed and convoluted response you imply that I lack wisdom and don't know as much as I think I do, while refuting very little factually Actually, this is pretty mild compared to your vitriolic attacks on some of the women in this thread. Would you, perhaps, be a woman beater? Is this why the mothers of your children want nothing to do with you?
I have carefully read all of your statements not only in this thread but also in the thread you created four months earlier entitled CHILD SUPPORT-I WANT MY MONEY BACK. I was not aware of this latter thread until yesterday, but I had previously wondered whether getting out of paying child support was part of your motivation for seeking sole custody. It turns out it was.
You say you never complained abiut the mother's blood not being tested and then you cut and pasted a statement out of context to supposedly prove your point. The full statement, which is in message 29, is as follows:
"The reason my kid's mother was not arrested is because....there was no
autopsy/investigation. If they had pulled her blood...she would be locked
up still to this day."
This certainly sounds like a complaint about no blood test.
My comment regarding a woman usually allowing visitation when child support is being paid was clearly meant for csimonds121978. No doubt because of your "poor me " attitude, you acted as though it applied to you. Perhaps YOU should reread MY statements before you hit the reply button. Visitation is not an issue where custody is joint.
In message 11 you referred, in passing , to a daughter. It seems odd that you raise all this ruckus about your second son but say virtually nothing about your daughter. Is this some macho thing where you think a boy needs a father but a girl doesn't? Your statement in message 80 dated 3/21/06 in your child support thread would seem to indicate this. That statement was as follows:
"a WOMAN cannot single handedly raise a MAN as effectively as she
can with a responsible male figure assisting."
Is this 2006 or 1956? Even thirty or forty years ago women would have branded you
a male chauvinist pig for such a statement as that.
I see you backed off sole custody about a week ago. Undoubtedly, you either lost the case or were told by your lawyer that you couldn't win.
You started CHILD SUPPORT-I WANT MY MONEY BACK on 3/14/06. Receiving little sympathy on that thread, you started this one four months later, creating the impression that your son's SIDS death 6 1/2 years ago was a recent homicide at the hand of his mother. I submit that you did not start this thread as an expression of grief but, rather, as a more convenient outlet to spew your venom against your sons' mother because she was sticking you with child support.
In message 56 of this thread you referred to the death of your first son and the events immediately following as "not the worst of" your "experiences in this lifetime." I am certain that the other contributors to this thread who lost children do consider those losses to be the worst experiences of their lives. Evidently, for you, paying child support is a worse experience. | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 10/10/2006 12:19:43 PM |
Is this 2006 or 1956? Even thirty or forty years ago women would have branded you a male chauvinist pig for such a statement as that.
If it was 1956....you would be screaming shut up ni99er.....nobody said you could speak.
I see you backed off sole custody about a week ago. Undoubtedly, you either lost the case or were told by your lawyer that you couldn't win.
my son is with me as much as time permits....now that he is getting older, he has a much bigger voice that speaks for both of our hearts.
In message 11 you referred, in passing , to a daughter. It seems odd that you raise all this ruckus about your second son but say virtually nothing about your daughter. Is this some macho thing where you think a boy needs a father but a girl doesn't?
My daughter is in a different state. Last time I spoke with her mother....she ended the conversation with 'you cant win em all scotty'. I just found out her address last week.
Would you, perhaps, be a woman beater? Is this why the mothers of your children want nothing to do with you?
Negative. Its all or nothing....get married or hate me forever. It is what it is.
I was not aware of this latter thread until yesterday, but I had previously wondered whether getting out of paying child support was part of your motivation for seeking sole custody. It turns out it was.
you have too much time on your hands
In message 56 of this thread you referred to the death of your first son and the events immediately following as "not the worst of" your "experiences in this lifetime." I am certain that the other contributors to this thread who lost children do consider those losses to be the worst experiences of their lives. Evidently, for you, paying child support is a worse experience.
Some days it may be child support.....some days it may be coming home to tell my mother and my grandmother(dads mother) that my dad is dead. No notice....nothing, a 19 year old kid to tell his mother that her husband or 28 years, life partner died at the zoo.
Other days it could be holding my grandfathers hand (mothers side) as he took his last breathe. Dieing from being Tboned by a red light runner in a car that he bought after selling ME the car that he would have survived in a week earlier.
I have one 'worst' experience for each day of the month, I still find time to smile though. | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 10/11/2006 2:32:37 PM | | so sorry for your loss. I have not lost a child but have a nephew that lost his four month ols daughter and seen what he went threw and felt it and still feel it.felt bad cause theirs nothing you can do for him the pain is always with you. | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 10/17/2006 12:06:42 PM | | I am sorry for everyones loss but when i had my daughter I ws in bed with ehr too and I am a nurse so I noticed that she was not breather right. I woke her up and took her to the hospital they said that i most likely prevented sids. That is the thing sometimes it comes down to being "lucky" I guess. . They kept her in the hospital for weeks to see if anything else was going to happen. Cause when i brought her in her breathing was very shallow... | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 10/17/2006 4:23:48 PM | | YEAIDD. when I lost my daughter I talked to everyone who would listen, didn't know about this site at the time or might have had a thread on here. The best medicine is to just talk, talk and talk some more. Some will not approve, but who are they to judge. We are all here for you. | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 10/17/2006 4:55:07 PM | | ive had to bury one of mine,she was 8 months old,her step brother drowned her in the bath,how did i cope.well,i didnt,i ended up in a hospital for a week,walking around like a zombie.im not at all religeous but the thing that keeps me going is the thought that shes gone to a better place.and i also found that ppl who had pity on me got really annoying,even after 11 years | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 10/17/2006 7:37:00 PM | loftgirledmdm1 yes you are very lucky thats how my nephews baby died her mom had her in bed with her and someone else.when she woke up she noticed she was't breathing they tried everything but it was to late.glad you were lucky to catch it in time | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 10/18/2006 10:17:45 AM | loftgirledm1-The doctor really said 'You have prevented sids?' That is awesome...Im sure you have looked at life in a whole new light since!
countrydad-Thank you very much and thanks to EVERYONE who has posted in this thread.
I have recently come across a wierd situation though. My only sister got married 9/9/05, it was a wonderful day back in jersey. We are close and she was there for me from day one. A couple weeks ago, she and her husband announced that 'they' are PREGNANT! Now although I am completely excited about being an uncle (finally).....I found myself with a turning stomach/confusion and slight dizziness when I was told by my mother that they plan on naming the baby ANTHONY. That was my sons name.......
any thoughts? (from anyone) | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 10/18/2006 10:24:19 AM | | Thats is heart breaking. I never want to know what that feels like. My heart goes out to you. Your child will now forever be an angel. You have to remember that your life does need to go on, your child will always be with you no matter what. I wish I could give you some advice all I can say is to live each day for your child, because kids want their parents to be happy. Keep him in your heart, and he will always be with you. | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 10/18/2006 6:02:06 PM | I was told by my mother that they plan on naming the baby ANTHONY
i would be super pissed off. To you their is only one Anthony and that was the son who was taken from you. why would your sister do such a thing have u asked her? | |
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| Have you had to BURY one of your kids?
Posted: 10/18/2006 6:34:53 PM | | Im sure your sister meant no disrespect to you - I think it would be best if you explained to her that you would like his name to remain sacred- as a part of you- and that she would totally understand. | |
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